You Teach People How to Treat You (A Look Back)
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You Teach People How to Treat You (A Look Back)
You teach people how to treat you.
We hear it said constantly these days. It's true, and yet I feel it can also be a bit of 'blame the victim.'
Seven years ago, there was an absolutely intolerable rage aimed at me, the most humiliating thing I've ever experienced in my life. I calmly gathered my things and left, without stooping to the individual's level. I cut contact. When she invited me back as if nothing had happened, I addressed the issue, succinctly, calmly, said, "You crossed a line, it's happened twice now. No more until there's some resolution and I know this is not going to be done to me again."
Future events have only continued to confirm to me that my family of origin is deep in the throes of alcoholic dysfunction, that these things will happen again, and that I'm wiser to stay away and try to live at peace. I refuse to get in the mud and fight with them. I refuse to be kicked around and used as the family scapegoat and punching bag.
I guess somewhere deep inside, I hoped that standing up for myself would indeed 'teach them' and they'd apologize, and we could all move on to a more mature friendship and family-ship together.
Not so. They've only dug their heels in, talking amongst themselves, building each other up in believing that somehow, their behaviors are all my fault and I'm just being stubborn. They have spread the sick thinking to the next generation. My feeling is it's like the school yard bully: any sign of resistance will only result in the bully escalating. There IS no 'teaching a bully how to treat you.' There is accept that you will be bullied, make it worse by objecting, or find a way to escape.
But my walking away and refusing to be treated that way has, in some ways, not helped, as they just spread their poison to my nephews and my own children. Do I have to eventually walk away from everyone?
Just some reflections today as the weeks stretch out and my two older kids make no effort to contact me, and in fact one of them, who plans on crashing here with his girlfriend, can't even be bothered lately to answer several texts and messages asking where my house key is that he borrowed, and to let me know what day he's arriving.
We hear it said constantly these days. It's true, and yet I feel it can also be a bit of 'blame the victim.'
Seven years ago, there was an absolutely intolerable rage aimed at me, the most humiliating thing I've ever experienced in my life. I calmly gathered my things and left, without stooping to the individual's level. I cut contact. When she invited me back as if nothing had happened, I addressed the issue, succinctly, calmly, said, "You crossed a line, it's happened twice now. No more until there's some resolution and I know this is not going to be done to me again."
Future events have only continued to confirm to me that my family of origin is deep in the throes of alcoholic dysfunction, that these things will happen again, and that I'm wiser to stay away and try to live at peace. I refuse to get in the mud and fight with them. I refuse to be kicked around and used as the family scapegoat and punching bag.
I guess somewhere deep inside, I hoped that standing up for myself would indeed 'teach them' and they'd apologize, and we could all move on to a more mature friendship and family-ship together.
Not so. They've only dug their heels in, talking amongst themselves, building each other up in believing that somehow, their behaviors are all my fault and I'm just being stubborn. They have spread the sick thinking to the next generation. My feeling is it's like the school yard bully: any sign of resistance will only result in the bully escalating. There IS no 'teaching a bully how to treat you.' There is accept that you will be bullied, make it worse by objecting, or find a way to escape.
But my walking away and refusing to be treated that way has, in some ways, not helped, as they just spread their poison to my nephews and my own children. Do I have to eventually walk away from everyone?
Just some reflections today as the weeks stretch out and my two older kids make no effort to contact me, and in fact one of them, who plans on crashing here with his girlfriend, can't even be bothered lately to answer several texts and messages asking where my house key is that he borrowed, and to let me know what day he's arriving.
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Originally Posted by EveningRose 
You teach people how to treat you.
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There IS no 'teaching a bully how to treat you.' There is accept that you will be bullied, make it worse by objecting, or find a way to escape.
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There IS no 'teaching a bully how to treat you.' There is accept that you will be bullied, make it worse by objecting, or find a way to escape.
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