Layla2222

Im having a rough day today.....I went over to my dads house for the 1st time since starting recovery....I talked to him before about all my feelings (this was one of the HARDEST things I had to do)--via email--and he was (suprisingly!!) really understanding.......but today when I saw him he acted like normal, like nothing had happened....like nothing had changed. I am frustrated b/c I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT NORMAL IS! When I was over at his house, I kept asking myself.....should I do this? shouldnt I do this? Was that an abusive comment? Im not sure.... Am I letting myself be walked on? Am I being overly sensitive? Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Its wierd b/c in any other situation I am starting to be able to figure out whats healthy vs. unhealthy......but when Im around my dad (the alcoholic) its like my mind gets all foggy again and I cant stand up for myself or anything! I realize I am MOST afraid of him becuase from childhood he is the one I most feared.....how do I get over THIS fear??? Of course my other fears are difficult to face.....but this is the worst! When I think about confronting him, I tremble and cry as if someone is holding a gun to my head.... Ugh.......any suggestions?
Thanks for listening, as always :o)
Much Love and support!
Stephanie

GingerM

Statistically, "normal" or "norm" means the same as "median" which translates into the group with the largest population. Say we're comparing incomes. In Washington State, the 'average' income is relatively high (all incomes divided by the number of people earning them), but the median income is about 10K/year lower (the income which the most number of people earn). This is because of a few people along the lines of Bill Gates who have such horrifically high incomes that they throw the average off, while the median remains the same.

Now, when you're out and about today, watch all the people around you. The ones honking their horns in frustration, the ones talking on their cell phones while they drive, the ones so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see or feel for anyone else around them. At least where I live, these people seem to make up the biggest group and are, statistically speaking, "normal".

Do you see where I'm heading with this? Normal isn't necessarily a good target to shoot for. You don't want to be 'normal'. You want to be healthy. What's healthy for you is not what's healthy for others. Each of us has our own paths when it comes to emotional security.

So, said in all caring, don't worry about whether or not your normal. Worry about whether or not you're healthy. There's a little voice inside you which you may not even hear, but you will feel it. The little voice that makes you want to make an excuse to leave, the little voice that makes you feel like running away. When that little voice is speaking, something is not healthy in what's going on around you. Learn to listen to that little voice, the little voice which most of us had to squash to survive. You don't have to squash it anymore - you're an adult, you can decide whether you want to spend time squirming in your own skin or not.

To heck with "normal". Be healthy.

Layla2222

GingerM~ THANK YOU! as always, for the wonderful advice. I think I understand what you mean by being "normal" vs. "healthy".....and thats just my problem.....when Im around my dad I loose all sense of "what is healthy for me?" I let myself be manipulated and abused by him & I dont even realize its happening, ya know? Wheras in other situations, with people other than my dad....I think Im getting pretty good at making healthy decisions formyself. Its just when Im around him--the man who seems to be the root of all my fears---that I loose control and revert back to my old ways. I dont know how to get around this? My mom suggested I avoid him as much as possible until I am stronger?? I dont know.....
Thanks again for listening and for the advice :o)
Much love~Stephanie

LaTeeDa

That might actually be good advice. It takes time to trust yourself again. When we have been surviving and coping by using tools that harm us, it takes time to accquire new tools and to learn how to use them. By putting yourself back into a situation where your first instinct is to pick up the old tools, you are making it harder to get used to using the new ones.

I usually don't advocate avoidance, and I'm not saying that it should be a long term thing. Just long enough to feel more confident in yourself and trust yourself some.

L

GingerM

I agree with LTD and your mom. It may be that you aren't quite ready or prepared to take your dad on.

You get around it by practicing on other people first - people who don't instantly draw out all those old tools which aren't working for you anymore. Once you've practiced on others for a while ("a while" can be 1 to many years), then you may be ready to take on your father. He is going to be your final exam, because with him, those old behavior patterns are most deeply rooted.

Practice practice practice!