Day 38 and feeling blah - just a whiney vent!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 10
Day 38 and feeling blah - just a whiney vent!
Hi,
I don't post a lot but I read here most days to help keep on track. I guess I'm just wanting...something...? I have been feeling generally fine and upbeat but for a while now have been moody and feeling low and very weepy. I am feeling shame about some things that happened while I was drinking, nothing major but have realised that I probably went into my old job and stunk the office up with that disgusting stale wine smell several times a week and every time I think about that I want to curl up in a ball and hide away from everyone. I started a new job a couple of weeks into stopping drinking so at least I don't have to face my old co-workers with this realisation.
I have some other regrets and events that I have realised I basically buried with wine and am now having to finally deal with the emotional fallout that they brought and it's all a bit much sometimes. The things weren't caused by drinking but they involve my dogs and they are the glue that holds me together and there was a lot of death involved so yeah it's hard to have to process the guilt and trauma sober even though part of it was 5 or 6 years ago.
My anxiety is always there and because I haven't been drinking I'm beginning to notice how much it affects my life and the life of one of my dogs which makes me feel even guiltier than I already am for related and completely unrelated reasons. I want to cry all the time but the emotion is stuck so I get to feel bad and low and listen to my brain tell the rest of my brain how crappy I am as a person but can't release the emotion. I know if I drank enough I would at least be able to cry it all out!
I don't want to drink but I miss being able to have a glass of wine on lovely hot summer evenings. I know it wouldn't stop at one glass but I am so sick of juice! It's so damn sweet and makes me feel like I'm sitting at the kiddies table. I want a grown up drink to enjoy. I want to feel relaxed, not sugared-up by juice or fizzy drink on a Friday night after a hard week at a new job.
So yeah, that's me. I know it will get better but it just kind of sucks at the moment. Waking up without a hangover and being able to enjoy my life more than makes up for this temporary crappiness but it would still be really nice just to get through it. I've been at my new job less than 3 weeks and they've identified me as a person who is good at particular software so I am getting extra training on that. My other once-a-week job is going well since I'm not hungover all the time, my own dogs are getting way more regular exercise and training and I'm becoming a better friend so I would not want to ruin all of that by picking up a glass and drinking a bottle. But to do all that I have to process this shame and guilt and I'm not really sure how to do that without being miserable. Maybe that's part of it? I don't know because for 15-odd years I drowned those feelings with wine and then drowned the resulting guilt with even more.
Thanks for 'listening', any thoughts/anecdotes/advice appreciated.
I don't post a lot but I read here most days to help keep on track. I guess I'm just wanting...something...? I have been feeling generally fine and upbeat but for a while now have been moody and feeling low and very weepy. I am feeling shame about some things that happened while I was drinking, nothing major but have realised that I probably went into my old job and stunk the office up with that disgusting stale wine smell several times a week and every time I think about that I want to curl up in a ball and hide away from everyone. I started a new job a couple of weeks into stopping drinking so at least I don't have to face my old co-workers with this realisation.
I have some other regrets and events that I have realised I basically buried with wine and am now having to finally deal with the emotional fallout that they brought and it's all a bit much sometimes. The things weren't caused by drinking but they involve my dogs and they are the glue that holds me together and there was a lot of death involved so yeah it's hard to have to process the guilt and trauma sober even though part of it was 5 or 6 years ago.
My anxiety is always there and because I haven't been drinking I'm beginning to notice how much it affects my life and the life of one of my dogs which makes me feel even guiltier than I already am for related and completely unrelated reasons. I want to cry all the time but the emotion is stuck so I get to feel bad and low and listen to my brain tell the rest of my brain how crappy I am as a person but can't release the emotion. I know if I drank enough I would at least be able to cry it all out!
I don't want to drink but I miss being able to have a glass of wine on lovely hot summer evenings. I know it wouldn't stop at one glass but I am so sick of juice! It's so damn sweet and makes me feel like I'm sitting at the kiddies table. I want a grown up drink to enjoy. I want to feel relaxed, not sugared-up by juice or fizzy drink on a Friday night after a hard week at a new job.
So yeah, that's me. I know it will get better but it just kind of sucks at the moment. Waking up without a hangover and being able to enjoy my life more than makes up for this temporary crappiness but it would still be really nice just to get through it. I've been at my new job less than 3 weeks and they've identified me as a person who is good at particular software so I am getting extra training on that. My other once-a-week job is going well since I'm not hungover all the time, my own dogs are getting way more regular exercise and training and I'm becoming a better friend so I would not want to ruin all of that by picking up a glass and drinking a bottle. But to do all that I have to process this shame and guilt and I'm not really sure how to do that without being miserable. Maybe that's part of it? I don't know because for 15-odd years I drowned those feelings with wine and then drowned the resulting guilt with even more.
Thanks for 'listening', any thoughts/anecdotes/advice appreciated.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hi NZ,
You are clean as a whistle. But, your brain needs the booze to make life feel normal.
When an ex drunk starts to feel miserable and wants a drink we have to relearn how we did it...maybe as a kid....or a non drinker.
That is where AA helps. The steps make us happy while we are clean.
I don't go regularly to meetings, but I know what the process does. I got a BB link and read a bit.
The time after dinner and before bed was my drinking time. I learned from my family. My wife watches her favorite programs, my son plays video games and chats on his phone.
I do the same as them. I copy them.
Boring? Maybe.....
Reality? Definitely....
I hit the gym sometimes. Fiddle w laundry. Clean....
Booze made us feel like we were having a party...every night..right?
It is an illusion. A life damaging, progressive, mind altering, brain damaging, body ruining illusion.
Sure feels good waking up confident and strong vs. Anxiety ridden and sickly.
Bask in your sobriety. Surrender to it.
I say never drinking again. Alcohol is poison. Don't believe the hype.
You are clean as a whistle. But, your brain needs the booze to make life feel normal.
When an ex drunk starts to feel miserable and wants a drink we have to relearn how we did it...maybe as a kid....or a non drinker.
That is where AA helps. The steps make us happy while we are clean.
I don't go regularly to meetings, but I know what the process does. I got a BB link and read a bit.
The time after dinner and before bed was my drinking time. I learned from my family. My wife watches her favorite programs, my son plays video games and chats on his phone.
I do the same as them. I copy them.
Boring? Maybe.....
Reality? Definitely....
I hit the gym sometimes. Fiddle w laundry. Clean....
Booze made us feel like we were having a party...every night..right?
It is an illusion. A life damaging, progressive, mind altering, brain damaging, body ruining illusion.
Sure feels good waking up confident and strong vs. Anxiety ridden and sickly.
Bask in your sobriety. Surrender to it.
I say never drinking again. Alcohol is poison. Don't believe the hype.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi NZK9Lady 
most of us have regrets - unfortunately there's no way to change the past. I had to accept that and I had to forgive myself in order to move on.
I try to focus on the here and now. There's a lot we can do with our todays - I reckon it would be a shame to miss any of those because we're so focused on yesterday
D
most of us have regrets - unfortunately there's no way to change the past. I had to accept that and I had to forgive myself in order to move on.
I try to focus on the here and now. There's a lot we can do with our todays - I reckon it would be a shame to miss any of those because we're so focused on yesterday
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
I had to ride out some pretty rough times in the beginning but I'm really glad I did. It feels like an eternity when you're starting out but when you look back it feels like time is flying. Keep your head up, you're doing an awesome thing for you, your dogs, and your loved ones.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Here's another vote for "This is why AA is a fantastic tool" for sobriety.
We all have shame, regret, anxiety and depression. Yes, to varying degree - but I believe all are very common to pretty much everyone who suffered from addiction.
If we didn't have them before our addictions became intensely part of our lives, then we find we do when we seek to embrace sobriety. What came first, the anxieties or the drugs / alcohol? I suspect it's more like an intertwining, continuous loop that just worsens over time.
The steps of AA give you a clear structure of action that you can pursue to confront and let go of shame, regret, anxiety-inducing history. The steps also help create a shift in your thinking and approach to life in the everyday Now, which helps deal with and reduce anxiety. Meditation, exercise, therapy are all wonderful ways to augment the program of action outlined by AA to help you cope in healthy ways with stress, anxiety and depression. Going through the steps helps establish a pattern - so the next time a shameful, regrettable memory emerges, you have a clear way to respond to it.
AA is not the only way, but it gives a clear path and structure of action. Whether you choose AA or not, what is consistent and common amongst those of us with addiction struggles is that we must find a way to confront and process and move beyond our past. We must find new ways of responding consistently to anxiety and stress and depression and other emotions.
Just "not drinking" is only one part of the shift. It is the thing that puts the key in the lock, turns the key, and opens the door..... but then we have to walk through it and do the work of recovery that lies behind it.
We all have shame, regret, anxiety and depression. Yes, to varying degree - but I believe all are very common to pretty much everyone who suffered from addiction.
If we didn't have them before our addictions became intensely part of our lives, then we find we do when we seek to embrace sobriety. What came first, the anxieties or the drugs / alcohol? I suspect it's more like an intertwining, continuous loop that just worsens over time.
The steps of AA give you a clear structure of action that you can pursue to confront and let go of shame, regret, anxiety-inducing history. The steps also help create a shift in your thinking and approach to life in the everyday Now, which helps deal with and reduce anxiety. Meditation, exercise, therapy are all wonderful ways to augment the program of action outlined by AA to help you cope in healthy ways with stress, anxiety and depression. Going through the steps helps establish a pattern - so the next time a shameful, regrettable memory emerges, you have a clear way to respond to it.
AA is not the only way, but it gives a clear path and structure of action. Whether you choose AA or not, what is consistent and common amongst those of us with addiction struggles is that we must find a way to confront and process and move beyond our past. We must find new ways of responding consistently to anxiety and stress and depression and other emotions.
Just "not drinking" is only one part of the shift. It is the thing that puts the key in the lock, turns the key, and opens the door..... but then we have to walk through it and do the work of recovery that lies behind it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
What a wonderfully honest post and replies.
Reminds we why we hang here.
I have a lot of issues and if I allow myself to think about them -- major regrets.
The way I look at it is that any person who has any self insight has regrets, even folks who don't drink. Its just part of living as a human.
I think addicts tend to have more for two reasons -- first, we did more things to regret, and second, we have more self insight than the non-addict.
Although I am not active in AA, they have so many things right -- importantly, that however hard it is, things you cannot change you have to accept, and the things you can change with love you should.
So, I don't wallow in my past, but I do use it has an incentive to be better today.
Not perfect, which is another thing AA has spot on. the strive for perfection is what got many of us here.
Don't try to be better than you are, or someone else. But you can try to be your best today.
Stop, stand off soap box now.
Net net, we have all been there. You got this.
Reminds we why we hang here.
I have a lot of issues and if I allow myself to think about them -- major regrets.
The way I look at it is that any person who has any self insight has regrets, even folks who don't drink. Its just part of living as a human.
I think addicts tend to have more for two reasons -- first, we did more things to regret, and second, we have more self insight than the non-addict.
Although I am not active in AA, they have so many things right -- importantly, that however hard it is, things you cannot change you have to accept, and the things you can change with love you should.
So, I don't wallow in my past, but I do use it has an incentive to be better today.
Not perfect, which is another thing AA has spot on. the strive for perfection is what got many of us here.
Don't try to be better than you are, or someone else. But you can try to be your best today.
Stop, stand off soap box now.
Net net, we have all been there. You got this.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You are me, also on day 38. You couldn't have described how I'm feeling any more accurately...my dog's ashes came home yesterday (our third dog dead in 19 months), my mother is having a last ditch procedure today 700 miles from here to try to save her failing heart (she's been in the hospital for almost three months) and my father is a very difficult person, we're between blizzards with more on the way, I'm constantly cold, we need to sell our house, I'm so sad and pretty scared but it's like I'm frozen in place...I can't even cry.
None of my coping mechanisms are working and I'm not going to drink but I'm in such a crappy place right now.
So move over so I can sit next to you, ok?
None of my coping mechanisms are working and I'm not going to drink but I'm in such a crappy place right now.
So move over so I can sit next to you, ok?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by D122y 
Hi NZ,
Booze made us feel like we were having a party...every night..right?
Booze made us feel like we were having a party...every night..right?
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
The steps of AA give you a clear structure of action that you can pursue to confront and let go of shame, regret, anxiety-inducing history. The steps also help create a shift in your thinking and approach to life in the everyday Now, which helps deal with and reduce anxiety. Meditation, exercise, therapy are all wonderful ways to augment the program of action outlined by AA to help you cope in healthy ways with stress, anxiety and depression. Going through the steps helps establish a pattern - so the next time a shameful, regrettable memory emerges, you have a clear way to respond to it.
AA is not the only way, but it gives a clear path and structure of action. Whether you choose AA or not, what is consistent and common amongst those of us with addiction struggles is that we must find a way to confront and process and move beyond our past. We must find new ways of responding consistently to anxiety and stress and depression and other emotions.
:
Originally Posted by Dropsie
So, I don't wallow in my past, but I do use it has an incentive to be better today.
Not perfect, which is another thing AA has spot on. the strive for perfection is what got many of us here.
Don't try to be better than you are, or someone else. But you can try to be your best today.
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
You are me, also on day 38. You couldn't have described how I'm feeling any more accurately...my dog's ashes came home yesterday (our third dog dead in 19 months), my mother is having a last ditch procedure today 700 miles from here to try to save her failing heart (she's been in the hospital for almost three months) and my father is a very difficult person, we're between blizzards with more on the way, I'm constantly cold, we need to sell our house, I'm so sad and pretty scared but it's like I'm frozen in place...I can't even cry.
None of my coping mechanisms are working and I'm not going to drink but I'm in such a crappy place right now.
So move over so I can sit next to you, ok?
None of my coping mechanisms are working and I'm not going to drink but I'm in such a crappy place right now.
So move over so I can sit next to you, ok?
I hope your mother is ok too, that must be really worrying. I too have a difficult father, so maybe you're the Northern Hemisphere me??? It's so hard to figure out what to do with all that raw grief, fear and worry isn't it? I've seen some of the blizzards on the news and I really hope you don't get hit too hard.Thanks to everyone who replied, I read them at work and had to stop as got all weepy (surprise, surprise!). From what you've said it's just something to work through, but as I mentioned above I am going to get some outside help of some form to work through the guilt/shame/regret and grief that is holding me back. This is such a great place to be a part of.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 325
Hi.
Great job on posting on here and getting some support.
I had a few days like that last week, so I know how you feel. But they past and I'm fine now as I know you soon will be.
For me knowing that it is just a part of the healing process and I'm feeling like that because I'm on my way to a better place is key.
I hope you soon feel better.
Sending your strength.
Steve.
Great job on posting on here and getting some support.
I had a few days like that last week, so I know how you feel. But they past and I'm fine now as I know you soon will be.
For me knowing that it is just a part of the healing process and I'm feeling like that because I'm on my way to a better place is key.
I hope you soon feel better.
Sending your strength.
Steve.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
Some threads get me all teary and this is one of them. It is So hard to move on from guilt and shame. I have a lot of regrets also that I have to live with (and find a way!), some involve my dogs, one of which I lost a few years ago, not by anything I did but I still feel awful heartache over the what if's... 
A lot of my regrets in life have nothing to do with my alcoholism so I have a really hard time trying to figure out what kind of person I really am if I can't even blame alcohol for some of those decisions I made?
Anyway, today is a new day, I try to be a better person every day, and I don't drink because that helps nothing.
Hang in there, you're not alone.
A lot of my regrets in life have nothing to do with my alcoholism so I have a really hard time trying to figure out what kind of person I really am if I can't even blame alcohol for some of those decisions I made?
Anyway, today is a new day, I try to be a better person every day, and I don't drink because that helps nothing.
Hang in there, you're not alone.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I hope you have a better day today. If you can find a good therapist, it can be transforming...I know mine saved my life 28 years ago.
So, my Sober Sister Southern Hemisphere Twin, here's to a better Day 39! (toasts you with PG Tips tea!)
So, my Sober Sister Southern Hemisphere Twin, here's to a better Day 39! (toasts you with PG Tips tea!)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
I'm sorry. Guilt is a horrible emotion. I have almost let it destroy me in the past. Like most people, I did a lot of things drinking that I am not proud of. But I don't allow myself to go there, because of my past experience with guilt. Is there someone you could talk to? Perhaps a counselor or a member of the clergy? Taking it out may help you make peace with your past.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 10
Thanks again everyone, my mood lifted and I have been back to living life hence the long delay (and sorry about that!). I have taken some information from my work about free counselling services and will be getting in touch with them soon. I found a 'grown up' drink that I thought was going to be suitable but in fact it had 3% alcohol in it not 0% and as I got a tiny buzz I will have to give it away as I didn't like how I was behaving - gulping the beer down from the bottle as though it was water. Admittedly I was very thirsty having just walked a dog in the summer evening heat but still, really no excuses for that. I have found some 0% alcohol wines so am not quite stuck with juice again!
Aries, I hope that things are still well with you, we've got nearly 43 days down!
[B]Jessie[B], I know what you mean about not knowing who you are, I am acting differently enough that I notice and am insecure enough that I think I need a bit of tweaking but then again maybe I don't? And because of the no alcohol am thinking back on times where I didn't act as nicely as I thought I was at the time. It's hard to figure this stuff out, but you are right - not drinking makes it a little bit easier at least.
Thanks everyone for making me feel not-so-alone.
Aries, I hope that things are still well with you, we've got nearly 43 days down!
[B]Jessie[B], I know what you mean about not knowing who you are, I am acting differently enough that I notice and am insecure enough that I think I need a bit of tweaking but then again maybe I don't? And because of the no alcohol am thinking back on times where I didn't act as nicely as I thought I was at the time. It's hard to figure this stuff out, but you are right - not drinking makes it a little bit easier at least.
Thanks everyone for making me feel not-so-alone.
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