I am a pregnant alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,098
I'm sorry you're struggling with this i can imagine it'd be a horrible place to be emotionally and physically and I really feel for you. I think I'm circumstances such as these, where you simply can't stop even when faced with such severe consequences, then you really need outside help and I'm sorry you haven't been able to receive that 
One thing I've personally learned is that I need to be responsible for finding that support - Id recommend going to Drs, different meetings, trying charities as was suggested, keep knocking on doors and be insistent that you have a problem and need help. Eventually you'll find someone who can offer that help im sure of it, you've just got to keep trying.
A honest conversation with a doctor who will help is especially important. If you freeze or get overwhelmed in the Drs office write out a letter or questions and hand it over when you enter, I've done that a few times and it's helped
And for what it's worth, there has been a pregnant woman at an AA meeting here who was still drinking at the time, and she received nothing but support. So not every meeting will have the reaction you've experienced
I'm glad you're here and hope you keep reaching out
One thing I've personally learned is that I need to be responsible for finding that support - Id recommend going to Drs, different meetings, trying charities as was suggested, keep knocking on doors and be insistent that you have a problem and need help. Eventually you'll find someone who can offer that help im sure of it, you've just got to keep trying.
A honest conversation with a doctor who will help is especially important. If you freeze or get overwhelmed in the Drs office write out a letter or questions and hand it over when you enter, I've done that a few times and it's helped
And for what it's worth, there has been a pregnant woman at an AA meeting here who was still drinking at the time, and she received nothing but support. So not every meeting will have the reaction you've experienced
I'm glad you're here and hope you keep reaching out
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 780
Welcome calypso! Glad your here.
I'm pregnant too 37 weeks and sober 10 months. I understand how hard it is when you feel how you do. You feel a huge responsibility for the life your carrying. I've nearly relapsed a load of times but with the help of this site and AA I've managed to get by. Get some support in place, it's truly a must.
Please have faith you can get through the rest of your pregnancy sober. You can do it.
Wishing you and your baby every happiness.
Leigh x
I'm pregnant too 37 weeks and sober 10 months. I understand how hard it is when you feel how you do. You feel a huge responsibility for the life your carrying. I've nearly relapsed a load of times but with the help of this site and AA I've managed to get by. Get some support in place, it's truly a must.
Please have faith you can get through the rest of your pregnancy sober. You can do it.
Wishing you and your baby every happiness.
Leigh x
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
I'm so glad you are here with us. Welcome, friend. Sending a basket full of hugs. Keep posting and hang out with us. One of the things I love about SR is that the people here are in my corner and have my back 24 hours a day no matter what. THIS is the place to be. We truly care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 21
I am so sorry you are going through this. pregnancy should be a wonderful time in a woman's life...there are enough stressors with pregnancy--worrying about FASD must be horrific. I actually worried about it in my pregnancy. I was drinking pretty heavily before finding out I was pregnant, and I was worried that could have affected the baby in those first few weeks of development. I did a ton of research on the subject of FASD.
how much are you currently drinking? many doctors believe some alcohol consumption is safe during pregnancy (not that I am advocating that by any means). Also, you said you had periods of sobriety? was that earlier in the pregnancy? I have read that early pregnancy is the most critical time for development and limiting alcohol consumption. I don't know if this will make you feel any better (probably not)...while FASD is a very real and prevalent condition, many women do drink through pregnancy (think past generations) and no obvious birth defects resulted.
Try to seek as much support as you can for the remainder of your pregnancy and continue after your son's birth. If you don't believe your doctor is listening to you--try to consult another doctor (I know you said you had some limitations due to your insurance issues). There are medications that can help with urges (like naltrexone). I believe it is a class C drug--not ideal for pregnancy, but many women take class C drugs during pregnancy (certain anti-depressants, ambien for sleep, etc...) Please keep up hope and stay strong...your little guy needs you to be. Regardless of what the future may hold, he is your precious child and nothing can change that.
how much are you currently drinking? many doctors believe some alcohol consumption is safe during pregnancy (not that I am advocating that by any means). Also, you said you had periods of sobriety? was that earlier in the pregnancy? I have read that early pregnancy is the most critical time for development and limiting alcohol consumption. I don't know if this will make you feel any better (probably not)...while FASD is a very real and prevalent condition, many women do drink through pregnancy (think past generations) and no obvious birth defects resulted.
Try to seek as much support as you can for the remainder of your pregnancy and continue after your son's birth. If you don't believe your doctor is listening to you--try to consult another doctor (I know you said you had some limitations due to your insurance issues). There are medications that can help with urges (like naltrexone). I believe it is a class C drug--not ideal for pregnancy, but many women take class C drugs during pregnancy (certain anti-depressants, ambien for sleep, etc...) Please keep up hope and stay strong...your little guy needs you to be. Regardless of what the future may hold, he is your precious child and nothing can change that.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I am also glad you found us. You got some great feedback on this thread and like a few people mentioned, you are not the first alcoholic pregnant woman reaching out to SR for support.
Now, off to the solution:
I am in AA myself and I find out that different groups have different dynamics and feels. I would encourage you to try other meetings (women's meetings like Gracielou said are a good idea). If you are AA shy right now, try to look into Women For Sobriety.
On the SR front, I would encourage you to join the class of April where you can get support from your peers who quit at the same time and give them support too (it's a two way street)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-3-a-2.html
and also to log in daily at the 24 hours recovery connections. It is a fun supportive way to hold ourselves accountable. You just sign in and commit not to drink or drug for the next 24 hours
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-53-a-14.html
Last but not least, this forum also has a sub forum just for women in recovery. You will get a lot of support there too
Women In Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Today could really be the start of a new life for you.
Now, off to the solution:
I am in AA myself and I find out that different groups have different dynamics and feels. I would encourage you to try other meetings (women's meetings like Gracielou said are a good idea). If you are AA shy right now, try to look into Women For Sobriety.
On the SR front, I would encourage you to join the class of April where you can get support from your peers who quit at the same time and give them support too (it's a two way street)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-3-a-2.html
and also to log in daily at the 24 hours recovery connections. It is a fun supportive way to hold ourselves accountable. You just sign in and commit not to drink or drug for the next 24 hours
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-53-a-14.html
Last but not least, this forum also has a sub forum just for women in recovery. You will get a lot of support there too
Women In Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Today could really be the start of a new life for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 51
;)
Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and hope. I can't blame any of my problems on anyone else but myself. I've created all of my problems, mainly due to drinking and irresponsibility.
I found out I was pregnant in the midst of a horrific breakup (Oct 2014) that was caused due to my abusive drunken rages, and my boyfriend moved out in one day and never came back. I was jobless, stressed out to the max, scared and suicidal. Before I found out I was pregnant I was drinking pretty heavily. 5-6 days a week. I found out at 5 weeks along. Before I found out it was Some moderate drinking and mostly binge drinking for hours.
After I found out about the pregnancy, I wasn't drinking daily, but cut down to about 3-4 times a week. However, those times were binges. 1-2 bottles of wine, 4-6 beers. My friends had abandoned me because I was such a mess. I had to sell furniture and my belongings to pay for the last months rent and eat. I scrounged up change to buy tall cans, went to bars to have people buy me drinks. There was lots of days in the month of October I would lay in bed all day, not eating and just sleeping off my hangovers to only do it again at night. I drank in hopes that I would muster up the liquid courage to jump in front of a train, or somehow end it all. Then November came (I moved back home) and that's when I began attending AA. I had a new sense of hope and wanted to belong somewhere. Telling my story of pregnant drinking, and then of relapse I was received with criticism and guilt tactics. Angry stares, and lecturing. I was told that newcomers don't know **** about recovery and that we are more than likely bound to fail, and I would have to meet my rock bottom in order to recover.
Yeah, that doesn't help a depressed hormonal pregnant alcoholic. So I resumed my ways, only not as severe. I binge drank at least 3-4 times a week, and then down to 2-3 times a week.
Up until February-march of this year, whether the days of drinking or not, I let myself wither away in bed. Sleeping until 5pm, only to get up and pretend to be functional when my parents got off work. My parents, are supportive in their own way. But mostly they like to call me names and treat my depression and alcoholism with anger and frustration. They are very controlling and give me no room to forgive myself. Always bringing up my past, my faults, my failures. Treating me like a burden. So I would continue to drink, undetected this time. I quit confiding in people, I quit letting my feelings known. I quit seeking out self help because I was a lost cause. I would talk to
my son and apologize for my illness. His father still hated me, my family ashamed of me.
I couldn't be happy about being pregnant. I wanted to give my son up for adoption, but I also knew if I wasn't faced with the responsibility of being a parent, I would probably relapse even harder and more severe into my old ways. I eventually learned to love being pregnant and became attached to him. I didn't love myself though, and I am completely powerless over alcohol. Starting in march, his father and I reconciled (only as parents) and began working on the nursery at my parents house together. It was supposed to be a fun project, but the negativity and controllingness of my parents ruined it for me. It sparked many fights and lots of tears for me. My parents continue to threaten to kick me out on a weekly basis and harass me. I wake up in panic attacks every morning. It's chaos at my house, so I spend a lot of time with my ex, just so I don't have to be around the negativity.
Spending time with my ex has its consequences. I get depressed and lonely because I have an immense amount of heartbreak. I wish we could be together, and long for his companionship again. With a mixture of the negativity at home and my heartbreak, it makes for a cocktail of an uncontrollable urge to drink to numb my pain and alter my reality.
I somehow managed to get a job at 30 weeks pregnant with the Red Cross. So far so good. It's a nice haven to get away from my life. Once I step out the doors from work, I am catapulted back into the disaster that I've created, so I alter that reality by drinking in hopes I can mask my pain through liquid happiness. I cry everyday. I wake up in my room at home thinking to myself "why did I do this to myself?". The past is the past, but my present is a reminder of why I am in the predicament I am in. It's the foundation of what I have done and a constant reminder of what a failure I am.
I drank yesterday. I was like what the **** am I doing? My son is almost here, and there so much to do to prepare. The fear of parenthood mixed with the nauseating worry of FASD causes a trigger to drink, because like I said I end up feeling so much pain, drinking is my therapist. It's my God, My devil, my heaven and hell.
I know I'm sick. But I'm tired of being sick in silence.
Finding this site is a life saver. You are all heroes. I am wanting to do everything I can to save my sons life and mine. I finally have a place where I can let out the darkest secret I have, which is I am a pregnant alcoholic.
I am taking all your advice into consideration very heavily. It's so great not to be alone. I haven't felt that in a long time.
I found out I was pregnant in the midst of a horrific breakup (Oct 2014) that was caused due to my abusive drunken rages, and my boyfriend moved out in one day and never came back. I was jobless, stressed out to the max, scared and suicidal. Before I found out I was pregnant I was drinking pretty heavily. 5-6 days a week. I found out at 5 weeks along. Before I found out it was Some moderate drinking and mostly binge drinking for hours.
After I found out about the pregnancy, I wasn't drinking daily, but cut down to about 3-4 times a week. However, those times were binges. 1-2 bottles of wine, 4-6 beers. My friends had abandoned me because I was such a mess. I had to sell furniture and my belongings to pay for the last months rent and eat. I scrounged up change to buy tall cans, went to bars to have people buy me drinks. There was lots of days in the month of October I would lay in bed all day, not eating and just sleeping off my hangovers to only do it again at night. I drank in hopes that I would muster up the liquid courage to jump in front of a train, or somehow end it all. Then November came (I moved back home) and that's when I began attending AA. I had a new sense of hope and wanted to belong somewhere. Telling my story of pregnant drinking, and then of relapse I was received with criticism and guilt tactics. Angry stares, and lecturing. I was told that newcomers don't know **** about recovery and that we are more than likely bound to fail, and I would have to meet my rock bottom in order to recover.
Yeah, that doesn't help a depressed hormonal pregnant alcoholic. So I resumed my ways, only not as severe. I binge drank at least 3-4 times a week, and then down to 2-3 times a week.
Up until February-march of this year, whether the days of drinking or not, I let myself wither away in bed. Sleeping until 5pm, only to get up and pretend to be functional when my parents got off work. My parents, are supportive in their own way. But mostly they like to call me names and treat my depression and alcoholism with anger and frustration. They are very controlling and give me no room to forgive myself. Always bringing up my past, my faults, my failures. Treating me like a burden. So I would continue to drink, undetected this time. I quit confiding in people, I quit letting my feelings known. I quit seeking out self help because I was a lost cause. I would talk to
my son and apologize for my illness. His father still hated me, my family ashamed of me.
I couldn't be happy about being pregnant. I wanted to give my son up for adoption, but I also knew if I wasn't faced with the responsibility of being a parent, I would probably relapse even harder and more severe into my old ways. I eventually learned to love being pregnant and became attached to him. I didn't love myself though, and I am completely powerless over alcohol. Starting in march, his father and I reconciled (only as parents) and began working on the nursery at my parents house together. It was supposed to be a fun project, but the negativity and controllingness of my parents ruined it for me. It sparked many fights and lots of tears for me. My parents continue to threaten to kick me out on a weekly basis and harass me. I wake up in panic attacks every morning. It's chaos at my house, so I spend a lot of time with my ex, just so I don't have to be around the negativity.
Spending time with my ex has its consequences. I get depressed and lonely because I have an immense amount of heartbreak. I wish we could be together, and long for his companionship again. With a mixture of the negativity at home and my heartbreak, it makes for a cocktail of an uncontrollable urge to drink to numb my pain and alter my reality.
I somehow managed to get a job at 30 weeks pregnant with the Red Cross. So far so good. It's a nice haven to get away from my life. Once I step out the doors from work, I am catapulted back into the disaster that I've created, so I alter that reality by drinking in hopes I can mask my pain through liquid happiness. I cry everyday. I wake up in my room at home thinking to myself "why did I do this to myself?". The past is the past, but my present is a reminder of why I am in the predicament I am in. It's the foundation of what I have done and a constant reminder of what a failure I am.
I drank yesterday. I was like what the **** am I doing? My son is almost here, and there so much to do to prepare. The fear of parenthood mixed with the nauseating worry of FASD causes a trigger to drink, because like I said I end up feeling so much pain, drinking is my therapist. It's my God, My devil, my heaven and hell.
I know I'm sick. But I'm tired of being sick in silence.
Finding this site is a life saver. You are all heroes. I am wanting to do everything I can to save my sons life and mine. I finally have a place where I can let out the darkest secret I have, which is I am a pregnant alcoholic.
I am taking all your advice into consideration very heavily. It's so great not to be alone. I haven't felt that in a long time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Thank you for telling your story, calypso17. I know it isn't easy. But know that we care. And that we want to help.
Maybe now is the time to formulate a plan for the remainder of your pregnancy. Have you looked into inpatient rehab? I am wondering if your being pregnant may not give you some preference for admission, even if you may not have the best insurance coverage. If you are receiving any type of public assistance, perhaps your case worker could help connect you with someone who can help. Just a thought.
Good luck. Keep posting.
Maybe now is the time to formulate a plan for the remainder of your pregnancy. Have you looked into inpatient rehab? I am wondering if your being pregnant may not give you some preference for admission, even if you may not have the best insurance coverage. If you are receiving any type of public assistance, perhaps your case worker could help connect you with someone who can help. Just a thought.
Good luck. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 21
you are taking on so much guilt right now...and you just can't do that. the guilt/shame isn't good for you or your son. you are strong...I can tell. you are also smart...I can tell by the way your write and what you say. whatever happens...what you do today is important. and i am not really talking about drinking during the remainder of your pregnancy (obviously, yes, it would be wonderful to stop). what i mean, is how are you going to emotionally brace yourself for after your little guy arrives? let's assume (and in all likelihood this is true) he is completely fine. i still worry about you. you know you feel sad for what you "may" have done to your son, but you have all the power to make his future as bright as possible! there is simply no place for regret in your life or mine or anyone else's. when i found out i was pregnant (as i mentioned) i had been drinking a lot...much more than what you described. yes, i was able to quit during pregnancy. however, my bulimia was pretty horrific during my pregnancy. i remember purging in the toilet, pushing down on my belly seven months pregnant, thinking "what kind of piece of sh*t mother am I?" and now, he just turned 3 and is trying to manipulate me into giving him chocolate as his bedtime snack...i think back. it is scary. we make mistakes. we have illnesses. we have regrets. we move forward...and doing so try to make better decisions for our lives. you coming here and sharing your story is a tremendous show of strength and commitment. keep posting. people truly care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NB canada
Posts: 57
Hey Calypso
I'm in a rush right now and quite tired on my way to work, but I couldn't not comment on this.
I also drank while pregnant.
My story is a bit different....I put off taking a pregnancy test for months ( my mind is capable of denial in a manner that I've not yet encountered in anyone else..." if I don't take a test I can't be pregnant despite having ALL the symptons").
I did a lot of binge drinking. I did stop when my pregnancy became so obvious to everyone else that it was no longer questionable and I had to acknowledge it. So I would say around 4 months or so? I'm not sure....again the denial, I don't revisit my pregnancy often in my mind.
That being said, as I said in another thread, my son was born healthy.
FASD is real , unfortnunately, and unpredictable, and like any other syndrom has a whole spectrum of symptons...kind of like russian roulette...you don't know what's been affected and some things don't come out until later in life.
I am not saying that to scare you, but you do need to be honest with your doctors.
Now, as also said in the other thread, my regret does not come from drinking while pregnant at this point...it's the subsequent drinking after my son was born.
I was blessed with a beautiful healthy baby boy....who is now a teenager with some severe anxiety and depression issues. He is in treatment. However, the guilt I have is immense. Although mental health is genetic...a large part of this has to be due to the fact he was raised by an alcoholic mother with mental health issues.
I also deal with some pretty severe depression issues ( I have a diagnosis of bi polar 1) and I have raised him alone.....so I can definitely relate to a lot of what you have said.
If there is any silver lining in what I just wrote....despite being in a similar place when I found out I was pregnant....homeless, alone, some major things to deal with, having my son did spurn me to change my life. I returned to school when he was young and became a nurse.
I did nothing to work on myself though, and began drinking again when he was about three or four.
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I'm sorry you feel judged at AA and at your doctors.
I am not judging you, I've been there. You do need to stop , though. At this point, you don't want to go into premature labour. Baby still needs time to grow.
I hope you can find a good support system. Feel free to PM me, if you want
I'm in a rush right now and quite tired on my way to work, but I couldn't not comment on this.
I also drank while pregnant.
My story is a bit different....I put off taking a pregnancy test for months ( my mind is capable of denial in a manner that I've not yet encountered in anyone else..." if I don't take a test I can't be pregnant despite having ALL the symptons").
I did a lot of binge drinking. I did stop when my pregnancy became so obvious to everyone else that it was no longer questionable and I had to acknowledge it. So I would say around 4 months or so? I'm not sure....again the denial, I don't revisit my pregnancy often in my mind.
That being said, as I said in another thread, my son was born healthy.
FASD is real , unfortnunately, and unpredictable, and like any other syndrom has a whole spectrum of symptons...kind of like russian roulette...you don't know what's been affected and some things don't come out until later in life.
I am not saying that to scare you, but you do need to be honest with your doctors.
Now, as also said in the other thread, my regret does not come from drinking while pregnant at this point...it's the subsequent drinking after my son was born.
I was blessed with a beautiful healthy baby boy....who is now a teenager with some severe anxiety and depression issues. He is in treatment. However, the guilt I have is immense. Although mental health is genetic...a large part of this has to be due to the fact he was raised by an alcoholic mother with mental health issues.
I also deal with some pretty severe depression issues ( I have a diagnosis of bi polar 1) and I have raised him alone.....so I can definitely relate to a lot of what you have said.
If there is any silver lining in what I just wrote....despite being in a similar place when I found out I was pregnant....homeless, alone, some major things to deal with, having my son did spurn me to change my life. I returned to school when he was young and became a nurse.
I did nothing to work on myself though, and began drinking again when he was about three or four.
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I'm sorry you feel judged at AA and at your doctors.
I am not judging you, I've been there. You do need to stop , though. At this point, you don't want to go into premature labour. Baby still needs time to grow.
I hope you can find a good support system. Feel free to PM me, if you want
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
We're all doing the best we can you are not the first, nor the last to drink with child.
For me, when I beat myself up about things, it is harder to get back on track. Try to be gentle with yourself.
you are reaching out on this forum, that us a very brave and courageous thing to d o
For me, when I beat myself up about things, it is harder to get back on track. Try to be gentle with yourself.
you are reaching out on this forum, that us a very brave and courageous thing to d o
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NB canada
Posts: 57
I just re read what I wrote , and the one thing I left out is that is so extremely wonderful that you came here and told your truth.
I hid it for so long...you are miles ahead of where I was.
And I also forgot to say congratulations to you mama !
I hid it for so long...you are miles ahead of where I was.
And I also forgot to say congratulations to you mama !
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Right here right now
Posts: 57
Calypso..... I can see you are in pain,and that shame and guilt are eating you up. Full disclosure, i work in Pediatrics, and deal with sick babies on a daily basis. I don't judge you, and i don't doubt that you love your unborn baby and want to quit. What are your plans after he is born? Can you take care of him? Please reach out to a Social Worker when you are admitted to the hospital. Think about how his life and your life are going to be after he is born. I know you are very vulnerable right now but i would like to gently point something out: part of getting well is to accept responsibility, and in some of your posts it sounds like you are placing blame on the doctors or other people. Doctors are not Gods, some of them have to do the best they can with the resources they have. Call the hospital (any hospital in your area, but preferably the hospital where you will deliver) ask for the Social Work department and ask for referrals/ help. They really can point you in the right direction. Yes, consider AA for you, but you need to prioritize your baby's health and needs.
All the best yo you
All the best yo you
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