calypso17

I said it. I am a pregnant alcoholic. I am 33 weeks. Go ahead. throw stones at me, feel like you want to beat me to a pulp, terminate my life, throw me behind bars, torture me...etc.
those are the responses I have received when confiding in people about my disease.
I have a long story to tell. One that is about the selfishness of alcoholism and my crippling depression.
I am aware of the irreversible damage. I am aware of FASD. I am aware of the legal repercussions. I am aware of the social stigmas. I am aware of the hate. I am aware.
I am sorry that you all have to hear this. But it's the truth, and please, please please
Please please don't hate me.
I'm sick.

Dee74

Nobody is going to beat you up Calypso

You're not the first person here who's been pregnant and trying to stop drinking either

I hope you'll find the support here can help you deal with the self hate and disgust you feel about yourself.

Do you have an OB/GYN Dr?

They may be able to help you with various options to help you stop drinking and give you and the baby a fighting chance?

D

JaneLane

Hi Calypso

I don't hate you at all :-)

What support do you have in place? I really recommend talking to your doctor about what has been going on. It's a good place to start when giving up any addiction and you can get a lot of assistance.

You're here, you're sharing and reading and this is good news. Don't punish yourself anymore than you already are. Talk to your doctor today and see what your next steps can be.

calypso17

I am on medi-cal for poverty stricken folks, and my doctor was not an OB, but did basic OB stuff. I made her aware of my disease, and all she told me was to quit drinking. I met with a counselor who i confided in, she gave me some pamphlets with info. She seemed to care, but not deeply enough to follow up. That's when I went to AA and talked about my problem and pregnancy. One relapse later, I had a negative response and never went back. I attended regularly for about a month.
In my first trimester I went to the ER for slight spotting and told the doc at the ER I was trying to quit drinking.
She gave me a scowl and said I can ruin the child. I will never forget the look on her face.
Depression is a double edged sword. The slightest cut to the ego, will make someone like myself bleed a river (figuratively) lol.
I then again, hated myself, hated life, and wanted to die so I continued to drink.
And still do. Why? Because with it I feel good about myself, although it's my devil, and without it, I hate myself and feel like I am incomplete.

Dee74

I'm sorry your Drs have not been sympathetic Calypso.

D

GracieLou

You may want to try AA again and I urge you to go to a woman's meetings. We do have special circumstances and pregnancy is one of them.

If one meeting does not fit then try another. It is really up to you and what lengths you are willing to go to for sobriety.

calypso17

Oh! I also asked her if I could get on anti depressants, because I had been on them before (but I drank too much that they quit working. Or maybe I was too ****** up with or without alcohol to notice the difference. This was Before I was pregnant) and she didn't want to put me on anti depressants

Evienne

It's too bad you get such knee-jerk responses from people who should know better than to talk down to someone who admits their vulnerabilities. It took a lot of guts to fess up, and I can see how you got scared to go back.

Maybe you can find someone with more experience in addiction counselling to back you up through these tough appointments?

Have you had some sober time lately? If so, what helped you achieve that?

JaneLane

I really recommend trying again with your doctor. Your health and the baby's is really important and anyone passing judgment isn't going to help you at all. Please know that a lot of us here, myself included, have a drinking problem in addition to mental health issues like depression. You're not alone in this so you're in a supportive environment :-)

My antidepressants absolutely stop working when I'm drinking, but it doesn't always have to be that way. Not drinking, therapy, a recovery plan and perhaps medication if that's what you need, can be a great thing to help you change your life.

calypso17

Well in all honesty, although I am not "sober" 100% I can tell you that I've made strides towards it? This may sound like a cop out, but a year ago I was hungover everyday, drinking 2-3-4 bottles of wine or a 12 pack or beer to my dome. Couldn't and wouldn't get out of bed.
Now...this is painful to hear..but...I drink about 3 times a week and do not get nearly as obliterated as a I used to.
Although, during my pregnancy, I hate to admit, I've had too many...too many... unforgivable drinking binges.
I came here to be raw and honest because I am sick, and I am sick of living in silence.
If I don't get this out now I will continue to do what I'm doing, and who knows maybe go back to my full blown ways

calypso17

Oh yes all of the above would help immensely. I came here first because I am scared, of society. Of authority. Institutions. When I sought out help, help came with conditions.
When I messed up, which I always do, I messed up trust, responsibility, and hope in those who believed in me.
And they never wanted anything to do with me again.

JaneLane

Your doctor is there to advise you, not to judge. You are the patient and you are asking for help. When I told my doctor that I needed help to get sober and wanted to make sure it was safe for me to just stop immediately, I was super factual and wrote down everything I wanted to say. I just wanted help and access to some decent resources. You deserve the same :-)

Gottalife

Hi calypso and welcome.

What you are talking about is the devastating destructiveness of alcoholism. It is not a matter of choice for alcoholics of my type, it was beyond my power to stop.

When faced with serious consequences such as you or I have been, the sane person says yes, absolutely, yes I will quit drinking and once, and they. And they can! But our first response is man I need a drink to get my head around that.

There is a solution. I found it in AA. You nearly found it in AA, you managed a spell of sobriety which is all to the good. Maybe if you go back, you will manage another spell, maybe a longer one. You have good reasons to take this action and no time to look at options, the clock is ticking and you still have the chance to minimise any damage to your child. I pray for both of you that you will succeed.

Evienne

Thanks for your honesty. You have made a lot of progress so try to focus on that, and not too much on the bad things that happened. This growing you did, means there's absolutely no reason to believe you can't progress any further.

You are gonna need some help, we all do. Try to go back to your dr, or as suggested the AA women's section, you might ask for a sponsor to back you up as you get the medical help you and your baby need. Someone who can sit with you at appointments and step in if a dr says things that make you insecure.

calypso17

Almost all doctors I've encountered are rushed, hurried, and have their med. assistants ask important questions. Most common questions I get asked is "how's your pregnancy going?" And if I smoke....which I do not. I do not do any drugs or smoke. My problem is solely with drinking.
I've now switched to an OB who will deliver my baby and I've met only once (because of medi cal), and I waited for almost 2 hours to see her for 10 minutes. Same deal. Rushed. Hurried.
All she told me was that I have gestational diabetes and reassured me everything is fine.
When rushed and hurried, even with questions in mind, I unfortunately draw blanks.

calypso17

You just spoke my language. The sane person in me says YES I CAN. The sick person says, I want a beer because I would feel a lot better right now.
Thank you for your advice. Thank you thank you.

FeelingGreat

calypso, are there any organisations like the Salvos you can approach? They have a lot of experience in dealing with alcoholics, including pregnant ones, and hopefully would not be judgemental. You need plenty of support, just like the rest of us.

calypso17

This is so hard to admit everything.
I...I am so ashamed. Why can't I be normal?
It's like a purging of my soul, of my rawest of raw being. Stripping down everything till I am bare and it's not easy.
I had told myself if my son was diagnosed with FASD, that I would commit suicide because it was what I deserved, no matter where I would be at in life. I don't carry that promise with me anymore, but it was a plan I had in mind.
I am here because I do care. I care about my son. I care if he lives. I care about his quality of life. I care that he never ever turns out like me.
And in a way I sort of care about myself, then again I am miserable and that's why I drink.

Dee74

None of us here are normal. But that doesn't mean we're not beautiful, unique or useful.

We may be flawed gems - but we're gems nonetheless Calypso.

Try and forget about the past.

What matters now is you try your hardest to do everything right for yourself and your child.

We'll offer you all the support and help we can

D

Gottalife

I guess the thing to remember is people go to AA for all sorts of reasons. Some are alcoholics who want to get sober. If you search your local AA, you will find one or two people who speak your language. Sometimes they are not easy to find, but they are there and they can help you.