Nofearnobeer

Tired28 , ya hit the nail on the head right there...I am at 2 months and 2 weeks sober , I have been feeling that exact same way on and off for 2 weeks..Just miserable...I have had a bad case of AV Screaming into my head one day , then the next...I am calmer...

Thankfully those days are becoming fewer as of late...It is rough and tough...I think what we need are some heavyweight boxing bags just to beat the heck out of...

Hang in there...

tired28

Man oh man, CybilVane. Congratulations on one month!!!! that is fabulous beyond words!!! The first month is definatly the hardest, hang in there. I know i was ranting, but it definatly isnt all bad. I am going through a rough spot right now, but the more i thought about things, i realized i was feeling pressured to be prfect and follow AA's program perfectly. I felt like i havent even been able to enjoy my sobriety since there was so much "WORK" to be done as Resolute50 put it, hahaha, that gave me a laugh :P

You are not alone <3 <3 <3. Dont give up!!!!! things do get better. Of course things are going to be ****** for awhile, but imagine how great we feel when that smoke clears ( Ialso havto remind myself of this sumtimes too).

This is a fabulous site , even if it just to get out your feelings, and hear other people experiances. I am sending you infinite love and know we are in this together! We cant be quitters. I dontknow if this helps...but i made a commitment that I would give it a year. If things dont get better by then, i am giving myself permission to go back, Although i have a sneaky suspicion they will, and i wont want to go back. Sometimes, i find it too difficult to say i will never drink again. But if i can get through all four seasons, and detoxify my brain in the meantime, maybe i will have a different view on things. Hope this helps, even a little, just a thought

Nowsthetime

I am doing it without AA. I use techniques from AVRT and I just don't drink... There are other methods so don't be discouraged. It sounds like your AV is winning this wrestling match. Step out of yourself for a sec and try to be self aware. You know what YOU really want. SR is here to support you. Use it as much as you need.

Serenidad

I really like what you said here Lancashire. ^^^

Tired, to me it sounds like you are having a problem with AA, NOT sobriety. Many people have used many other methods to get & stay sober. I have been in and out of AA for years. I had 5.5 years of continued sobriety from 2008-2013 & the first half of that was WITH AA & the second half WITHOUT.

15 months ago I chose to see if I could drink in moderation. FAIL! (And it wasn't even fun!) I've been struggling to find my way again & have been back & forth a thousand times about whether to go back & stay in AA.

I made a decision the other day when I had a massive craving in an AA meeting to try something different. I literally walked out half-way thru the meeting because I just couldn't take it anymore. Everything you said in your post was driving me crazy too.

I know some people love AA and who knows...if it comes down to "life or death", I will go. I prefer not to though. SO....I finally started reading the Rational Recovery book. I really like it and am doing lots of journaling too. Many people recommended that book to me so I am finally reading it.

I guess my point.....if the "way" you are staying you sober is making you so miserable, why not try something else? Everyone is unique and different things work for different people. Good luck! I really sympathize with your frustrations. PM me anytime!

Hevyn

Tired - once I got through a calendar year I felt really confident & encouraged. I'm not saying it took that long to feel good - I felt great at around 3 mos. I was dreading trying to make it through the holidays, vacation, birthday, etc. - and once I saw that I could get over those hurdles I knew I'd be able to live without it. (This is coming from a lifelong drinker, who drank every day in the end. I now have 7 yrs. sober.) It brought me so much misery, I don't know why I clung to it for so long.

Tired, Cybil, Nofear - Things won't always feel this way. Otherwise, most of us wouldn't be able to stay sober. It's early days yet & you're still healing from all you've been through. It's a huge adjustment. I felt like a fish out of water, an alien - but it all got better and easier. Keep on talking about your feelings as much as you need to - we're all in it together. No one understands like your fellow alkies.

Serenidad

I guess I should have read you second post before my FIRST post. Haha. I think a break would be good. There are lots and lots of people right here on SR who have never even stepped foot in an AA meeting, let alone work the steps, and have long-term sobriety. Have you ever heard of the book "Rational Recovery" and AVRT?

tired28

Serenidad, you are soooooo right, its not sobriety at all, its the program, im not comfortable with. Good for whoever it helps, and they definatly have sum valid points, i just dont know if its for me, and just like Lancashire said, maybe its just not for everyone. I will stay hear, an still go to meetings, i just dont know about all of the 12 steps. I will stay sober, and try to become a better person overall. AA just migh not be the right way for rightnow.

THANX FOR ALL THE SUPPORT GUYS <3

Hevyn

Sorry, Serenidad - I seem to have slipped my post in there somehow when you were trying to make a point.

tired28

mygosh, thank you sooooo much Heyvn and serenidad, u guys are so right and i will definatly try and look up the rational recovery book

CybilVane

Thank you for the love :] It is very much appreciated.

I, also, like to tell myself, "If my life is still in shambles after being sober for a bit, I'm going back!"
I like to tell myself that when I'm worked up. One time, I said it out loud to my boyfriend, and as soon as I did I felt a pit in my stomach. I didn't mean it and I am not done trying. I have never made it this far and it feels like a accomplishment.

Having kids and going through this can't be easy. As soon as I see a kid I run toward the medicine cabinet lol.

I hope your proud of yourself. Your kids would be too. Your doing something amazing for them. That's actually pretty touching. I hope the longer we are sober, the more momentum we have to stay that way.

Isaidyesyesyes

I used to despise AA because of the higher power talk. I felt like it was a cop out, but then I changed my understanding of higher power. what I came up with was that alcoholism/addiction is a giant that can't be tackled by one person. Especially when that giant is dominating your life. the higher power for me is addicts/alcoholics helping each other. it's about man power. to over take the beast that has controlled your life. I think it's possible to do it alone but you dont have to and it wont be as easy so whats the point. higher power doesnt have to be god. it's a sponsor, it's this web sight, it's the comments from people who care and try to help each other through this. think of it as a collaborative effort.

esinger

I also became angry when I was doing everything others told me I was supposed to do and I just couldn't swallow the medicine. Just didn't work for me either time I tried to get it down. What do they always quote about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I use what info I felt useful from the program and have read up on as many other methods I could find and took what bits and pieces I felt worked for my situation.
Anyhow it's a tough adjustment. A complete change in your lifestyle and it can be a bit frustrating at first. It sure beats the downward spiral that drinking can bring. Your kids also deserve a sober parent. I wish I could take back so much of the torment I put mine through. I do take some consolation knowing my grandsons will have no memory of a drunk grandpa.

Good luck!

Serenidad

Tired, this was a thread I started just a few days ago. (Below). As you can see...I've been struggling with the same thing. I've changed things since & am feeling more hopeful.

My post a few days ago:

"So as most of you know, I started back to AA meetings recently. I got a sponsor and started working the 12 steps. This may sound crazy, but I feel like the meetings are hurting me more than helping right now. I can go ALL day and be OK and then I get to an AA meeting and they start talking about ALCOHOL! The VERY thing I am trying to NOT think about!!!

My biggest cravings have literally been IN AA meetings recently! Ugh! Back to the drawing board....

Thoughts? Suggestions? I just want to QUIT drinking forever! That's my goal!

Thx!"

tired28

Serinidad, i felt the same way hahaha.Id be fine and then go to a meeting and start feeling bad again too. I was starting my step 4 which is going over my whole life and everyone iveever come into contact with. I figured out thats wat was pissing me off. I thought about things, than i told my sponser, i just wasnt doing it. I said "this is going to make me drink, never mind help me stop". She said thanks for being honest and if i dont feel comfortable than, than dont do it. She said everybody is different, and if i just want to take a break and enjoy sober life for awhile, than thats ok too.

It made me proud i stuck up for myself, and ive been feeling better ever since.She said AA is there whenever i need someone to lean on, but to stop putting so much pressure on myself.I am going to go my home group meetings, but other than that, Im just going to enjoy myselfand my kids. Im not worrying about the steps for now. I should be happy in sobriety , and thats exactly what i plan to do for now. She said lots of people in the program have longterm sobriety with-out having done the steps.

Plus I have this site, and thats good enough for me.Happy weekend everyone xo

Hevyn

Good to see you sounding so positive tired.

MelindaFlowers

You are doing great. It has helped me to know that it can take up to two years for PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) to stop and heal. Sounds like a long time and may not apply to you but we will feel better with each passing day.

If you're like me, and get frustatraed because we don't feel 100 percent, i'll bet you feel 100 times better than you did when you were actually drinking. I do.

Notmyrealname

I don't attend AA or do steps and have been (mostly) sober for a year and a half now. AA isn't mandatory but for some it's the first thing that has ever worked for them. It's an option, take it if it helps or leave it if it's not for you.

Do you really hate sobriety, though, or are you scapegoating sobriety because you're angry about other stuff? I ask because I have a hard time understanding why someone would hate having more money in her pocket and the absence of sick feelings and constant anxiety, which objectively is what sobriety brings for most who are in our straits. Also to me even from briefly reading your post it sounds like you are angry about other things. My daughter just went to college so I've been a single parent for a long time now, it can be frustrating, and when you get sober there's a lot of regret for being more drunk than doting parent for all those years. And that's all understandable.

It's important to work this stuff out. Sobriety's good, objectively speaking. Stick with it and you will see.

sg1970

All of you that have posted saying sobriety sucks are very early into it. Things aren't going to change overnight. 2-3 months was the worst for me and then I started getting some relief. You got roller coaster emotions and a foggy brain right now. Give it time.

Also I firmly believe there is a difference between sobriety and recovery. You have to work on some method of recovery. If all you do is quit drinking the alcohol is gone but you still have a sick SOB! You got to fix that.

Best wishes