countrygirl2014

This is very embarrassing for me to even post on here right now after my little breakdown the past 2 days. That was the worst two days so far in my short sobriety and I hope it helps someone. I had a full day of confrontation. People telling you you're wrong...and sometimes not in a nice way. I thought I could run the show. I was all better and ready to face the world. End result: a bitter, nasty woman who pissed off a lot of people, almost drank and suffered the most intense emotional hangover as a result.
I am an alcoholic. I drank to mask my character defects. I blow stuff out of proportion and will make you believe there is something wrong with you. I will drive people close to me away with my selfish actions. I will make you despise people around me so I look better. "Normal people" don't like me, and they don't know why. I am as cunning as alcoholism is. I will make you think you are losing your mind. And I will enjoy having that control. It feeds my ego. I am so programmed to operate this way it is going to take a lot of work and the rest of my life to retrain my thinking.
Did you ever notice the more someone drinks, the bigger their ego gets? I have not been confronted yet. That new file had not been entered into my database. So...I grabbed the old one in a panic. I hope I have revised it and edited it enough to get me through the next time. If I work on changing my actions NOW, there is a good possibility I won't have such a life altering next time. This is probably my most honest post to date and I really hope someone can relate, take a good hard look at their actions and find the tools to make those changes possible. I am sorry for my actions the past two days. I am.

Jennifer

SoberLeigh

(((Jennifer)))).

I don't know - I think you may be being a little hard on yourself. I see someone who has been trying very hard to make positive changes in her life. Yes, those changes often involve a good hard look at ourselves and, yes, we will find character defects. When we take that good hard look, we often overlook or fail to recognize the strengths, capabilities and goodnesses that also make up who we are. I am willing to bet that the 'scale of character' for Jennifer is solidly tipped in favor of her strengths.

Soberpotamus

Way to hard on yourself. You're a human being.

I agree with Sober Leigh, you have shown strength in the posts I have read.

Don't let the ego talk mess with your head.

countrygirl2014

No, not all being hard on myself. These are very humbling facts. These are things I would like to change or remove. I am strong (and a bit stubborn) and these things don't show all of the time...not at all, the good does outweigh the bad. But these are the things I have been doing for the past two weeks that led up to me sitting in the basement and holding that can of beer, contemplating my next move. If I don't at least recognize these things and try and fix them, you will be getting another "day 1" post from me, lol.

Jennifer

countrygirl2014

In other words...these actions are my warning signs of a relapse.

Jennifer

SoberLeigh

That is real progress, Jennifer - recognizing a relapse in its infancy - that's a strength, Jennifer.

AliceInTheRain

Hi Jennifer Thank you for such an honest post. I agree with the others that you are being very hard on yourself, but can certainly relate to having a negative perception of self. These thoughts and feelings are triggers for me too so I get where you're coming from. What are you going to do instead of drinking? I hope that you have thrown that can away...drinking is part of the problem, not the solution. You know this. I'm so glad that you came here to talk instead of having that drink

countrygirl2014

Thanks, I can be a little wordy. It takes a minute to get my point across. I thank my mom, the English major for that. If you ever met me in person, I can be so quiet it's scary. I like to spill everything in my head that affects me. I'm not afraid to do it. The stuff people hold in. I don't do it as a release or as a help to myself, I do it in hopes someone reads it and says "omg...I think the same thing" and feels a bit of relief that they can relate.

Jennifer

matilda123

(((Jennifer))) I,too, am glad you came here to chat. We have all been through these feelings and thoughts. There are reasons--varied, but also of a theme--that tempt all of us on here to drink. I don't think they are character flaws, but rather the challenges of life and the patterns we've created to help us deal with those challenges. How to meet those challenges without drink: I see that as my great battle.

Wishing you a peaceful day, Jenn.

countrygirl2014

The beer is gone. I asked boyfriend to do something with it last night. Without nagging, lol. I said, yesterday was a real close call. I don't care if you have it, but put it in a place I can't find it. I got lucky the other night. I might not be so lucky next time.

Jennifer

countrygirl2014

Perfectly worded...thanks

Jennifer

newpage119

Hi Jennifer,
It is very very common for alcoholics in early stage recovery to express emotions that are way out of proportion to the event. Huge anger out of nowhere.....That is not your fault....that is your brain going through the healing process. There is a lot of research out there, you can read up on what happens to your brain and its neurotransmitters due to alcoholism.

You are recovering, be easy on yourself, give yourself time to heal. Forgive the past, and continue on the path.
You WILL HEAL and life will get much, much better!

matilda123

Well done! I had to do something similar in December. Anger (a major trigger for me) had me reaching into the fridge and holding a beer without even thinking about it. Partner put everything down the drain and took a very expensive bottle of wine over to our neighbor as a holiday gift.

PurpleKnight

Hang in there Jennifer!!

Don't beat yourself up too much, we all had things to change or improve, but the main thing is to be patient, give yourself time, Sobriety and life itself is a journey and things take time, we can't simply change things overnight when it comes to changing things about ourselves.

Soberwolf

Jennifer i want you to know you are awesome

Dee74

Personally, I think you might be being a little harsh on yourself too.

I think it's important to be honest with ourselves...for me that means not only being aware of my flaws but also my strong points.

The opposite of ego is humility, not humiliation IMO.
Balance is everything

D

Anna

Jennifer, this is a lifelong journey and you're doing great.

Kg1015

Hi Jennifer, thanks for such an honest, upfront post. It takes a lot of courage to look at yourself and confront the flaws you see - it is no easy task. That being said, there is nothing constructive about punishing yourself to the extreme or indefinitely for the flaws you see. You are aware of things that need to be changed and that is a huge step. Use what you don't like to propel yourself forward.
And remember - everyone here has flaws too. You aren't alone!
You're doing great, keep posting

awuh1

Well, I don't think you are being too harsh with yourself. I think you are being honest. That's the first step in confronting a problem. I'm quite impressed with your honesty actually, but I'm even more impressed with your courage.

If not for the courage you display in putting these "character defects" out in the open, I don't think I would suggest what I am about to. I think there is a way out this pattern of behavior and the problems it creates. It's not an easy solution, but it's an effective one. It will require some of that same courage.

You have caused a certain amount of damage with this way of handling situations. The cost of this has primarily been paid by others. Perhaps it is time to consider making it right. Exactly how (and when) you do this only you can determine. Consider doing a little experiment.

Choose an example of a time when you manipulated a situation in such a way as to falsely make someone believe that there was something wrong with them. Pick the proper circumstance, then go to that individual. Admit what you did, tell them you were wrong and ask them what you can do to make it right. If you wish you can add that you are attempting to change this pattern of behavior, that they would be helping you by letting you make it up to them. Tell them you regret what you did. Don't say you are sorry. Ask them how you can make it right, and then do it. If that includes an apology, then so be it.

Don't do any of this if it would harm anyone (including yourself). Be prepared for the person to tell you to F*** off (nobody said this would be easy). For your first attempt choose a person who is not likely to go ballistic or have a huge unpleasant reaction (save that person for later, after you have had more experience doing this sort of thing). I also suggest you discuss this plan with someone you trust before you attempt it. An objective opinion on a specifics of a plan is sometimes be quite helpful.

All the best to you Jennifer. I have a feeling you are becoming a better person.

shinebright7

Hi Jennifer,

I found your post because SugarBear told me about it in the chatroom tonight. She said it was a really honest post and that it might be helpful to me as a Friend/Family member.

She was right.

I especially related to what you said about how "normal" people don't like me and they don't know why.

I feel like this is the case with my AH and my sister. She doesn't know him all that well, but I can tell she doesn't respect him from the get go. Me on the other hand, as a codependent, I get mad at her when she's not nice to him or she's sarcastic or condescending. Before I knew the extent of his addiction, I just thought he was a sensitive guy who had been through a lot of hard times in his life and needed a soft place to land. I fell in love with him not knowing that his addiction issues were actually unhealed. My sister? I guess she saw something else and realized there was something off about him.

Another friend of mine has a gambling addiction. Tons of "normal" people don't like him. My BFF has been codependent in her relationships and she got wrapped up in all sorts of his addiction. Other people actually said to her when they were dating, "I don't know what it is about him, but I just don't like him." She didn't know what to make of that because she felt a big connection to him. They're not dating anymore, but they do do the back and forth thing because he's very persistent and manipulative, and she's very, well...without boundaries.

I find it fascinating!

My sister's BS radar is way more fine-tuned than mine. I put up with way more -- and then tell myself that it's because I'm compassionate and have a big heart and I'm not judgmental. But then when the crappy behavior from the addict comes in my direction, I'm devastated, judgmental, and feel victimized. Ugh.

Mh husband is also always picking on other people and judging what's not right about them. (Related to what you said about making other people look bad so you look good.) Even people on TV, he's judging how they're aging so poorly or how their situation is so messed up (like on a cooking show and they're telling their background about how they became a chef). It's constantly putting others down, judging someone's choice in car, whatever. I appreciate that you shared this because it make me feel less crazy that I see it in my AH.

I don't know your story, Jennifer, but as I read this post, I experienced it as your being very honest about the truth of where you're at with your alcoholism -- noticing what you do in character defects so that you can improve.

I can only hope that my husband discovers a smidgen of the honesty that I see here in you today.

Thank for your sharing and all the best with your renewed recovery. ((((hugs)))