Moderation thoughts
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
I go to "happy hours" occasionally and drink soda. Not a single person cares that I am not drinking alcohol. Nobody even notices. I guess they have a few times and asked what kind of beer I am getting and I just say "nah, just soda" and they don't blink. Now that it's been almost a year they don't ask, ever. They know that Marty doesn't eat meat, George doesn't like mushrooms, and Melinda doesn't drink.
I stay no longer than an hour. I've been sober for about 11 months so I feel comfortable as a non-drinker. I don't go the four hour drink fests like I used to.
The main reason people don't care if we drink or not us because they don't care about alcohol like we do/did. It's not a fixation or obsession with them. It's a beverage that they enjoy one, two, maybe even three and stop without even thinking about it. Out of, let's say the 20 people I'm closest with, I've maybe seen one of them blackout drunk and that was a few years ago and it hasn't happened since.
I used to think this was a smart --- thing to say but people don't drink nearly as much as we imagine. Again, the beer at the bar doesn't play a big role in their lives. They are not monitoring how much others are drinking. They don't care. You may come across the occasional smart --- who questions you but it feels good to just brush it off.
I worried about my social life when I stopped drinking but I fit in a lot better as a non-drinker than as a blackout alcoholic. Sure, I rarely blacked out at bars or even in public but I sure wasn't too social the next day either at lunch with a nuclear hangover.
Attempts at moderation lead to blackout drinking and hangovers if I can trust the thousands of posts I've read on here over the years.
I stay no longer than an hour. I've been sober for about 11 months so I feel comfortable as a non-drinker. I don't go the four hour drink fests like I used to.
The main reason people don't care if we drink or not us because they don't care about alcohol like we do/did. It's not a fixation or obsession with them. It's a beverage that they enjoy one, two, maybe even three and stop without even thinking about it. Out of, let's say the 20 people I'm closest with, I've maybe seen one of them blackout drunk and that was a few years ago and it hasn't happened since.
I used to think this was a smart --- thing to say but people don't drink nearly as much as we imagine. Again, the beer at the bar doesn't play a big role in their lives. They are not monitoring how much others are drinking. They don't care. You may come across the occasional smart --- who questions you but it feels good to just brush it off.
I worried about my social life when I stopped drinking but I fit in a lot better as a non-drinker than as a blackout alcoholic. Sure, I rarely blacked out at bars or even in public but I sure wasn't too social the next day either at lunch with a nuclear hangover.
Attempts at moderation lead to blackout drinking and hangovers if I can trust the thousands of posts I've read on here over the years.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
it's cool your back 
It's sad that you went back out for a while .
Moderation doesn't work for me , sounds like it's not good for you either .
After a year or so sober i was able to go to a bar or pub when there was a special occasion , i kept the car close by and tended to put a 2 hour pay and display parking ticket on it . Soda water is often free in the UK
After 2 hours in the company of people getting drunk , the jollity has happened and they start slurring their words and getting repetitive .
Maybe once you've built some strong sober muscles you'll find going to a bar or pub with a specific reason ok , do the foot work first though, build a good sober routine, make sure you have escape routes planned and scenarios if you are put under pressure .
I found the drinks aisle in the supermarket bad enough for the first 6 months of sobriety .
Better to be precious of our sobriety and cautious than play fast and loose IMHO . alcohol is deadly and it will kill us if we let it .
Bestwishes, m
It's sad that you went back out for a while .
Moderation doesn't work for me , sounds like it's not good for you either .
After a year or so sober i was able to go to a bar or pub when there was a special occasion , i kept the car close by and tended to put a 2 hour pay and display parking ticket on it . Soda water is often free in the UK
After 2 hours in the company of people getting drunk , the jollity has happened and they start slurring their words and getting repetitive .
Maybe once you've built some strong sober muscles you'll find going to a bar or pub with a specific reason ok , do the foot work first though, build a good sober routine, make sure you have escape routes planned and scenarios if you are put under pressure .
I found the drinks aisle in the supermarket bad enough for the first 6 months of sobriety .
Better to be precious of our sobriety and cautious than play fast and loose IMHO . alcohol is deadly and it will kill us if we let it .
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm glad you decided to give it another try, Mainza. Different people have found success with different approaches; I use AVRT. It might help you too (just do a search for it, I can't link it here).
You do need to come up with some kind of plan. Otherwise it's hard to figure out how to get where you want to be. The first part of the plan- no matter the method- is to admit to yourself that moderation isn't a realistic option and that you have to stop completely. Forever.
You do need to come up with some kind of plan. Otherwise it's hard to figure out how to get where you want to be. The first part of the plan- no matter the method- is to admit to yourself that moderation isn't a realistic option and that you have to stop completely. Forever.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Mainza 
This was my last past over 4 months ago! Ugh, I slipped up and drank sometime in late January and I am now back where I started. I've been drinking too much beer, getting fat, and have been stressed out and sick. I've been sober for 3 days now. This time will be different but I don't know how.
Thank you for sharing honestly, because you are helping me stay sober! I have almost a year and a half and often find those 'maybe I can moderate' thoughts passing through. But, like you, I have much evidence demonstrating the contrary.
Like you, I feel sometimes dismayed and disappointed at not being able to 'bond' with colleagues and friends who always seem to use alcohol as the 'bonding agent'. However, in the past year or so I've gone to dozens of drinkng occasions with colleagues new and old and with friends - stayed sober and had a great time and didn't have my 'bonding' hampered one bit! Turns out, mostly the only people who really care about our drinking is us.
Welcome back.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Lots of good thoughts and advice here! I moved to another state about 4 months ago. Every night at dinner lots of people here bring wine. Every time I was offered a glass, I simply said "No thanks, I don't drink". That worked well and nobody bugged me. Two people eventually expressed curiosity and I told them I'm on meds (which is true). So that all went well until I had a very stressful event and then slipped.
My conclusions:
1. I can't drink moderately!
2. Moving is a huge stressor in any case and needs to be planned for just like planning for any upcoming event. It's truly much more than a physical move and is a very risky time, especially while we are starting to make new friends.
3. It's important to focus on making some new and initially casual friends. People sense desperation.
4. I don't disclose that I'm an alcoholic except to very close friends and medical professionals. There is still too much stigma attached to being an alcoholic. Sad but true! When I say that I don't drink, there can be many reasons and people don't know which it is. Most won't ask.
Any time we are in an unusually stressful situation, especially in early sobriety, is when we are really vulnerable. Preparation is key. If a slip occurs, best to deal with it as quickly as possible, get medical help if needed and above all, find ways to meet people- especially outside work.
My conclusions:
1. I can't drink moderately!
2. Moving is a huge stressor in any case and needs to be planned for just like planning for any upcoming event. It's truly much more than a physical move and is a very risky time, especially while we are starting to make new friends.
3. It's important to focus on making some new and initially casual friends. People sense desperation.
4. I don't disclose that I'm an alcoholic except to very close friends and medical professionals. There is still too much stigma attached to being an alcoholic. Sad but true! When I say that I don't drink, there can be many reasons and people don't know which it is. Most won't ask.
Any time we are in an unusually stressful situation, especially in early sobriety, is when we are really vulnerable. Preparation is key. If a slip occurs, best to deal with it as quickly as possible, get medical help if needed and above all, find ways to meet people- especially outside work.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Somewhere on the East Coast
Posts: 579
Hi Mainza - I'm glad you're back. I've been there....30+ days and thought I could moderate. I can't. The social thing still gets to me, but stick around here....people here have some great advice that has helped me.
In your original post you mentioned the movies - did you try that? Although you don't actually talk during the movie, its fun to get coffee or something afterwards and discuss it. Just a thought. But in any case, stick here at SR!
In your original post you mentioned the movies - did you try that? Although you don't actually talk during the movie, its fun to get coffee or something afterwards and discuss it. Just a thought. But in any case, stick here at SR!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Moderation was always the ***** in my sobriety armor.
Now that I finally accept it is never an option for me, I have peace and
am really enjoying my sobriety.
It's kind of a relief actually to know that I just can't and won't go there again
Good job on three days and keep posting
Now that I finally accept it is never an option for me, I have peace and
am really enjoying my sobriety.
It's kind of a relief actually to know that I just can't and won't go there again
Good job on three days and keep posting
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: rockville
Posts: 126
A simple out without having to disclose being an alcoholic is simply saying you are on cholesterol medication and can't drink (or any other benign reason). Nobody should question that. Drinking and statins are a bad combo. Of course going this route only if you don't want to say the real reason.
I've learned the last 4-5 years or so that I can only be satisfied going back to my "norm". There is no middle ground. In fact, I think most if not all addictive habits work the same. Was the same way for me smoking. There was no "one here and there". Here and there always ended up with me back to smoking my "norm".
For most folks it seems that once they find their sweet spot or "fix" for something, they will always regress back to that magic # or pattern unless they don't get started again. I was no different and I really tried to back it down more than once.
I've learned the last 4-5 years or so that I can only be satisfied going back to my "norm". There is no middle ground. In fact, I think most if not all addictive habits work the same. Was the same way for me smoking. There was no "one here and there". Here and there always ended up with me back to smoking my "norm".
For most folks it seems that once they find their sweet spot or "fix" for something, they will always regress back to that magic # or pattern unless they don't get started again. I was no different and I really tried to back it down more than once.
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