nmd

I'm a compulsive putterer and I get up around 6am even on weekends. My girlfriend likes to sleep in, and some days will go on a lifetime movie marathon. I would crawl out of my skin if I had to sit still for more than a 30 minute TV show, I can't do it. Were opposites, but it works for us and there isn't resentment. I do yard work and the cooking, she does the laundry while relaxing. She drinks light beer and every day, but I can't say I really ever want it. My drinking slips have all evolved in my own head.

I guess though if your husband wants to start crazy projects late at night and you want to relax, you need to ask him to respect that. If he needs help, do it together at a sane hour. I would get annoyed if i were dragged into a drunken fools errand late at night too.

But there us also your drinking, and it might be hard not to be resentful of his drinking in front of you in an environment you are used to drinking. I haven't faired well on camping trips. Too much free time, and a long established habit.

Why do you go back to the same cabin or cottage? If you own it that's understandable, but it would seem a complete "change in venue" for your next vacation might be in order. New location, new activities, make sure you have an "out" if you need time to yourself. Keep busy but allow time together too so you don't drive each other nuts.

Wishing you the best

Soberwolf

Raider i just want you to know to keep on trying we are all behind you nobody wants to stomp you

i dont

i hope you can find a way to stay sober and dont worry about the past its happened what can we do ?

we can start living for now for today for this very second it can and will change when you change it

rooting for you raider !

trachemys

I'd probably remember that I've been an absolute schmuck in the past and give them some room to be one now without taking it personal.

Raider

NMd - we are staying here until we buy one and ours sells.
Sober Thanks
Trach - you are right.

huntingtontx

Hey Raider, my h and I were drinking buddies too. I quit, he gets drunk every night. I know the feeling. I have found I can deal with a lot more with humor. I also have head phones and a tv in the other room, and I love to read. I just try to deal. When he gets ugly I just get away from him, he won't remember in the morning. I wish you well. Never give up. I am proud of you for keeping on keeping on. It is not always easy, but it can be done.

Kaneda8888

Hey Raider

Lots of good advice. FWIW, I would think about the past 15 years that your H has tolerated your alcoholism. Be grateful that you had his support during that time, that you did not become alone and worse. Then reflect on your emotions such as resentment and investigate the origins of those emotions. Are those emotions caused by your H or are they emanating from within yourself ? And why ?

I think Patman and Live have good suggestions in that being patient with your H and yourself is important. Get a decent period of sobriety and then make an assessment. The Serenity Prayer is also excellent when you begin to feel frustrated !

Hang in there Raider !

doggonecarl

Maybe he didn't either, but he exercised patience. So follow suit. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

silentrun

Ain't love grand? You are under a lot of stress right now so it's understandable that you are crabby. Just keep in mind this isn't really about him. He is an easy target. If you need to vent you are better off doing it here.
Have you seen this Raider
Weird Things All Couples Fight About - YouTube

This is a true story of an interaction between my husband and I

Him (yelling from bedroom) I need you to help me with this TV
Him (when I get into bedroom he is holding a 55 inch flatscreen that used to be on the wall) Take this flashlight, go behind the TV and unscrew the cable from the back.
Me No. I will set the TV on the dresser and you can unscrew it from the back because if anything goes wrong you are going to yell at me for being too slow unscrewing the cable.
Him (unscrews cable then sets down flashlight somewhere. Wants flashlight again) Where did the flashlight go? If you hadn't taken so long unscrewing the cable **** wouldn't be lost right now

Sometimes you just have to laugh.

Raider

You're right. I'm crabby. We have only been here 5 days. I don't know what I expected. I guess I didn't anticipate the adjustment stage. Or I was so happy to be able to stop cleaning that house in Utah. In any case, I keep finding myself in front of me. I know I need to slow down and relax. I'm sure he is going through the same thing, he just won't say. Good stuff guys. Im giving you a cyber appreciation hug!

Soberwolf

you can do it raider

Aellyce

When I was a bit over 2 months sober, I went to Florida for work. My gf decided that she wanted to be there as well and showed up as a surprise, without warning. She knew that I can't stand surprises like that, sober or not, but... Then she stayed with me in my hotel for a few days and almost every day when I came back from work and wanted nothing but relax, she would have ideas like she wanted to take my laptop apart (she's an engineer but now works as a neuroscientist like me), or rearrange my clothes, and sometimes would get up again at 4 am for some work. I tolerated it and made myself think, how nice she was. We had not lived together then for a good while due to me wanting to move on my own to give all my evenings to vodka, so I did think it was cool.

Later, in the summer, I had a similar trip and stay a while in California. She did the exact same thing: showed up without intro to share the adventure. That time I had a lot of things planned even for my free time, and I decided not to break most of my plans for the sake of her spontaneity.

Well, soon after the CA trip and not causally to it, but we were exes...

Of course it's a long story. But I was quite surprised to notice many things when I got sober that were the same during my drinking, but I was just so lost in my mind and drunken haze. So I've learned that me and a partner compulsively running around wanting to take apart the house at night is... hmm, say, not a winner combo. I hold this view.

I hope you and your H are still good and this is just a transient stressful period!
Maybe go out walk the Fuzz if it gets too much!

Pondlady

I think you're right Raider, it's an adjustment for both of you being at the cabin....especially after the frenzy you've both been going through to get the Utah house ready....and now life in the slow lane at the cabin.

I honestly don't know how my hubby put up with my drinking.....i try to remember that.

lunar

Maybe you could ask him not to drink, especially if he
fully understands that you want to quit for good.
No need for you to feel guilty over the past for asking this.

hopeful4

Have you talked about this w him whileboth sober?

EndGameNYC

The thing is, and me being who I am, there are times when I miss those moments.

AlcoholFree66

Sorry Raider - after reading further posts - I think your hubby might drink differently to mine? However, since I began to get sober all those years ago, and am now sober, his drinking habits have changed. He doesn't overdo it anymore.

I would find it very hard to keep my mouth shut (or perhaps stick around!) if his behaviour was really crazy.

keeppushing

Some ideas: The best time to confront your SO is when he is sober and you can have a discussion. This should include ideas on what you will do if he behaves in this manner.

Second, his behaviour is not comparable to your previous behaviour. As I understand you had a multi-year addiction. Your SO has no such addiction so asking him to refrain from drinking should not be a big ask.

Third, when someone stays with you, you do not owe them. Support is not a favour, especially when the costs are asymmetric. This does not necessarily mean cut and run, but it means discuss the issue without feeling guilty about asking for your needs.

Finally, this seems to me far less a alcohol issue and much more a marriage issue. I think that you might find better insights in a marriage forum.

I truly wish you all the best.

MythOfSisyphus

I wish I had a great idea to give you, Raider. When the weather is nice maybe going out for a walk is a good idea. If you have space for a study/hobby room, maybe you can put on some headphones and listen to a book or some music.

Ultimately you will probably have to lay down the law with him. He has to understand how difficult it is for you to be sober while he's sloppy drunk. I sure won't beat you up for your slip- it happens. Especially when you don't have the support at home. It worries me that you're half an hour from town! That does make it harder to find somewhere else to be when he's drinking.

mecanix

V. Woolf .

So has this cabin got room for a shed ? or a "summer house" , certainly an internet connection , paper , a nice pad , coloured pens , some glue , magazines , maybe a scrap book, a jotter, a daily diary, a comfy chair and a cat, coffee or tea in a flask and some kind of heating ..

Maybe the conner of a bedroom might be used if ground rules were established?

Bestwishes, m

Imabuleva

He sounds like a "normie," Raider.

Don't treat yourself like a victim, treat yourself like an alcoholic. You can't drink. He can. So what?

I can't drink, but my girlfriend can. So what? If she gets drunk (on the off chance that ever occurs), I can be sober and take care of her.