tornrealization

Yes, I will. I'm on my own Friday, I must have a plan. Being on my own I know is trigger. Thinking of swimming, then meeting.

gleefan

Gazza - hope all is well?

Torn - I agree with dSober. A plan is so important for getting through the triggers. Find a list of meetings and pick one. Even if find your meeting is not the most comfortable match, it's an hour that you won't be drinking.

The meeting that I go to isn't a super duper personality match for me, by the way. I kept went because it was local and convenient and an hour where booze are off the table. I continue going because I learn something new from the folks there every single time.

I never thought much about isolation til the subject came up in recovery. This summer, home with the kids, with no real schedule, I noticed my tendency to isolate. Sunday I spent the day at home. Then Monday I skipped swim practice, then the gym. Then I skipped grocery shopping. Finally I went to aa just to get out of isolation mode.

My isolation and anxiety are tied together. I fully expected to have an anxiety attack on the way there, or during the meeting - but it never happened.

dsober, Casinva - hope all is well!

Have a good day Febbies!

casinva

It is Thankful Thursday. Today I am thankful that there are 300 miles between myself and my MIL.

Anyone else want to chime in?

gleefan

Great idea, Casinva!


I'm thankful for ...

- this thread, SR, aa and recovery

- my kids' supportive coaches for their first season of swim team

- my crack of dawn bike ride with a friend this morning

- having the summer off from work

- upcoming family vacation

- recognizing my tendency to isolate

- my anxiety disorder & highway driving phobia

- the book I'm reading about vulnerability (Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown).

LonelyShadow

Hi all, i'm afraid i'm back on Day 1. I had a beer at my friends wedding, such a stupid thing to do, it was the same old story could not handle it at all ended up getting blind drunk and then drunk the next day too, exactly the same pattern as before, awful.

Looking back I think I knew it was coming, should of done more to protect myself. I guess I need to not fall into despair, just need to get back on my feet and start again.

gleefan

Hey LS - Glad you're back. Thoughts creep in where I romanticize how it felt to get wasted - but I try to remember why I stopped (play that tape through to the end) and also I try to look at all I have gained in sobriety. These days, what keeps me sober are the things I've gained in sobriety.

What have you gained? A lot! Your dark thoughts are gone. You are working towards a career you are passionate about. You are staying fit and healthy.

I know you're frustrated living with your alcoholic dad. Are you working a spiritual and psychological program as well? This is where meetings or therapy or self help books or meditation can bolster your sobriety.

You're a young guy, and folks at meetings and support groups may not seem like the demographic you're aiming for, but honestly, neither are the folks at my aa home group - yet I get a lot out of it. Besides, aa ideally is a place to heal, not hook up.

I hope you're feeling ok, and I'm glad you're here!

LonelyShadow

Hey Gleefan, thanks for the support and advice! I'm feeling a bit fragile which I think is basically withdrawal again it was a very heavy weekend, absolutly loathe this feeling but i'm safe and not too ill so I just need to get through it. After 155 days of sobriety my tolerance was really low so I was incredibly drunk, thing is I really didn't enjoy it, it wasn't a nice feeling at all and all I could think about was getting more and more alcohol, felt like such a massive step backwards.

I think you might be right about a support group being the missing element in my recovery, I needed help about a week before the actual relapse, I'd been very stressed getting my qualification and everything and then the upcoming wedding had been on my mind too so I should have done something when I could feel I was letting my stability slip. It's kind of scary when you feel so out of control. Never mind, guess it's just time to recover and move forward.

tornrealization

Hi LS,

I'm glad your dusting yourself off so quickly. You still have those sober days and growth from them.

I'm glad you're right back it.

casinva

LS, sometimes it takes something like this to happen to really put things into perspective. Look at it as a learning experience. The really good thing is that you didn't enjoy it. So now you can say you've "been there and done that". And you can start fresh.

I second finding a support group. I'm in the midst of doing that myself. We can never get too comfortable with this monster. It'll take us over in a second.

Remember what you said to me..... Life isn't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you GET HIT and KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

You got this. I have complete faith in you!

LonelyShadow

I'm hoping I don't get too strong withdrawal symptoms tonight, feel a bit shaky and depressed, hopefully a night's sleep will help me straighten out. I read that withdrawal gets worse the more times you go through it? I only had serious withdrawal once but i've been through minor withdrawal many times, hopefully i'm not in a danger of the DT's but i get the feeling it's going to be an uncomfortable night

I really didn't miss this feeling!! I did miss you guys though, i'll catch up on posts later.

gleefan

LS - I know you're uncomfortable now, but just think, Ii you never drink again you'll never need to feel this way again. Put tonight's discomfort at the end of your "tape." You've been through this icky withdrawal before. I know you'll get through tonight ok, and that you are health conscious so you will get medical attention if you need it.

tornrealization

LS, I hope you'll be ok. I just started over two days ago, and I've been doing weekend benders, no sweats or shakes.

But boy, the hangovers got longer. Like three days long. I too was nervous about DT or seizure since Tuesday night, but it didn't happen.

I never want to worry about those things again.

LonelyShadow

Just managed to eat and that's helped a lot, feel more settled, a little bit shakey and anxiety but certainly doesn't feel as bad as I thought. Being here again reminds me of the old times when everything really went to hell, can't let that happen again. I was at work on Monday feeling utterly dreadful, was terrified someone would know I was hungover, I just need to learn from this experience. If anything it has certainly reminded that I absolutely, positively can NOT moderate. It has GOT to be total abstinence.

I'm going to have to find an AA group nearby I guess, it might just be the missing piece of the puzzle, it certainly helps being on this site, it's how I managed to get so many days under my belt by knowing there are other people out there with the same struggles as me, so maybe having supportive people in the flesh around will be the final tool in my belt.

I love you guys.

dSober

It just might. It was a big piece of mine.

gleefan

Mine too.

tornrealization

Thankfuls are the best.

I'm thankful for the Febbies.

I'm thankful for my job, boss gave me zucchini from her garden.

I'm thankful for another shot at sobriety.

DiggingIn

LS- you're in my thoughts. I know how you're feeling. It's just a bump in the road.

casinva

LS, hope you're able to get a good night's sleep tonight! Day 2 is waiting for you.

Gazza

Im all good. Just a blank post because I started to post but then couldnt word it how Id like and then had to go to work. My relationship issues are ongoing unfortunatly. My drinking problem is non existent because Im not drinking.

Im also trying to work on my sexuality, I really feel its a bit much sometimes. It would be nice to think about sex less! Just having an attack of honesty.

I read this thing about how if you have sex with people too soon it can make you think you're in love when really you may not be. Sounds like a possible explanation for some of my relationship problems in the past. Im thinking the old school thinking on sex may have been more onto it than I thought.

Its amazing how much more reasonable those conservative views seem to me now Im 40. Im thinking a conservative moral code is like a castle wall protecting the person who stays within it... sure would saved me some pain.

Be well all. To those struggling please try the 'Easy way to kick the drink' by Jason Vale. Its cheap E book. I really think it could help you it has helped me a lot to see drinking more clearly for what it is without labelling myself.

All humans have issues.

gleefan

Gazza - Your posts never fail to get me thinking. We're travelling parallel paths in a lot of ways, right down to our sobriety date. I think that the old school, conservative thoughts on sex were prescriptive, telling people what they had to do, and shaming people who didn't comply. What you're proposing, to *choose* to save intimacy til after you're in love, to avoid shame and pain, sounds revolutionary.

I think you are on to something about the sacredness of sex? I've been with my husband for 16 years. Over the past 10 years, I used sex to leverage the destruction of my drinking. I was a blackout drinker, and his sex drive is higher than mine. When I couldn't remember what happened the night before, I'd initiate sex in the morning to avoid a difficult conversation. If he turned away, which he rarely did, I was in for a scathing verbal lashing. Pairing sex with shame, instead of vulnerability and intimacy, ruined my faith and trust in him, and was turned something special into something abusive. In the five months I've been sober, I've only had sex with him once. I don't know what it will take to get that back on track.

I'm glad you're doing well!