Newbie: The Perfect Couple
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 10
The update!
Whew. It's been so crazy since my last post --- we had an incident where I called him one night as I was leaving a movie just to say "goodnight" to his little boy. The AB was *********. His little boy facetimes me with a total look of desperation, saying "I'm scared! Save me!" So...at midnight, I went and swooped up my 7yr old buddy.
The following morning, the AB shows up, apologizes to us both, explains to his little boy what happened, in just enough detail for a kid to understand. His son and I talked about it, I explained what was happening, and how it was not acceptable, and if he EVER felt scared, he could always call me and I would be there for him. No matter what.
I let the mom know what was happening. She has done nothing.
We did the counseling thing, but he continued on his bender...everything started falling apart...2 separate leaks/floods, a gas leak, and worst of all...his little boy got mauled in the face by a golden retriever and we have been at the hospital. Plastic surgery. Trauma. His little face will always be scarred now.
Holy ****!
At that point, my focus was on his son. He woke up from surgery and asked where I was. He wanted me to stay with him in the hospital. He asked for ME, not his mom, not his dad. Which is not a good thing, but I will never let this child feel for one second that I will not be there for him.
AB steps up and takes care of his child for the following 3 days while mom is nowhere to be found. The minute his little boy goes back to his moms care, AB gets wasted...continues his bender...
This past week, I flew to Portland to see if it would be a good place to start my life over. It had the complete opposite effect...and I ran back into the arms of the "newly sober" ex.
He's haunted. He's having hallucinations at night. He's telling me he needs me. He is putting his life back together...blah blah blah...same old story...
But I have this knot in my throat that won't go away. WHY WHY WHY do I still want this man?!? I adore him. WHY??? He has a fatal flaw.
People say, "well you just have to decide if this is what you want to live with for the rest of your life, knowing this will happen again and again." Ummm...no. This is NOT what I want. Who would WANT this?!? I hate that statement.
So, my plan was to focus on ME. And ME only. 30 day challenge of yoga. Growing my business. Pure independence. And FORCING myself to meet new people even though I really REALLY just want to settle down and not have to follow that whole single life path.
I was ready to go. August 1st. One month of power, strength, personal growth, health, etc. aaaaaaaand, I broke my foot today. I'm all alone. I need help. I'm in pain. I am suffering. I will heal and survive, but my god; it's time for a break!
So my question for all of you is this: what do I do in the next 24 hours? And then 2 days after that? Then 3? 4? 5? Everyone is SO quick to say, "just leave him!" But HOW DO I DO THAT at the beginning. I'm just trying to get through today. I went to Al-anon, and I felt sooooo out of place. I just need a plan. An initial plan.
And I need help making that plan. WHAT DO I DO FIRST?
I do not feel strong enough to do it all at once. I just don't know where to start...
PLEASE HELP ME. I am over the whole "victim" mentality. I will do what I need to do-- I just need to know how to start this process, and I need a roadmap through it. Because "just leave" is too big.
The following morning, the AB shows up, apologizes to us both, explains to his little boy what happened, in just enough detail for a kid to understand. His son and I talked about it, I explained what was happening, and how it was not acceptable, and if he EVER felt scared, he could always call me and I would be there for him. No matter what.
I let the mom know what was happening. She has done nothing.
We did the counseling thing, but he continued on his bender...everything started falling apart...2 separate leaks/floods, a gas leak, and worst of all...his little boy got mauled in the face by a golden retriever and we have been at the hospital. Plastic surgery. Trauma. His little face will always be scarred now.
Holy ****!
At that point, my focus was on his son. He woke up from surgery and asked where I was. He wanted me to stay with him in the hospital. He asked for ME, not his mom, not his dad. Which is not a good thing, but I will never let this child feel for one second that I will not be there for him.
AB steps up and takes care of his child for the following 3 days while mom is nowhere to be found. The minute his little boy goes back to his moms care, AB gets wasted...continues his bender...
This past week, I flew to Portland to see if it would be a good place to start my life over. It had the complete opposite effect...and I ran back into the arms of the "newly sober" ex.
He's haunted. He's having hallucinations at night. He's telling me he needs me. He is putting his life back together...blah blah blah...same old story...
But I have this knot in my throat that won't go away. WHY WHY WHY do I still want this man?!? I adore him. WHY??? He has a fatal flaw.
People say, "well you just have to decide if this is what you want to live with for the rest of your life, knowing this will happen again and again." Ummm...no. This is NOT what I want. Who would WANT this?!? I hate that statement.
So, my plan was to focus on ME. And ME only. 30 day challenge of yoga. Growing my business. Pure independence. And FORCING myself to meet new people even though I really REALLY just want to settle down and not have to follow that whole single life path.
I was ready to go. August 1st. One month of power, strength, personal growth, health, etc. aaaaaaaand, I broke my foot today. I'm all alone. I need help. I'm in pain. I am suffering. I will heal and survive, but my god; it's time for a break!
So my question for all of you is this: what do I do in the next 24 hours? And then 2 days after that? Then 3? 4? 5? Everyone is SO quick to say, "just leave him!" But HOW DO I DO THAT at the beginning. I'm just trying to get through today. I went to Al-anon, and I felt sooooo out of place. I just need a plan. An initial plan.
And I need help making that plan. WHAT DO I DO FIRST?
I do not feel strong enough to do it all at once. I just don't know where to start...
PLEASE HELP ME. I am over the whole "victim" mentality. I will do what I need to do-- I just need to know how to start this process, and I need a roadmap through it. Because "just leave" is too big.
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
I just want to say this, I mean it with all sincerity. You are not going to get some type of award for staying with this man. He's not going wake up tomorrow and realize how awful he's been and change his ways. There is no gold at the end of the rainbow. He's sick. It's going to be a vicious cycle that you will do over and over again.
Personally, my first step would be to start saving money. Anything you can set it aside. Start looking into studio apartments, anything you can afford. He is in complete denial that he's an alcoholic and you are enabling him when you take him back. It reassures him that he's NOT. He's not hit rock bottom yet, and you leaving him might make him see how much this affects other people. He's not seeing the big picture here any why would he when nothing is changing negatively for him?
It's so hard when there is a child involved, but ultimately, it's sink or swim. You can stay behind and try to save the boy, or you can start swimming to the life raft on the other side of you.
I really really feel for you. I know how tough it must be. I wish you the best.
Personally, my first step would be to start saving money. Anything you can set it aside. Start looking into studio apartments, anything you can afford. He is in complete denial that he's an alcoholic and you are enabling him when you take him back. It reassures him that he's NOT. He's not hit rock bottom yet, and you leaving him might make him see how much this affects other people. He's not seeing the big picture here any why would he when nothing is changing negatively for him?
It's so hard when there is a child involved, but ultimately, it's sink or swim. You can stay behind and try to save the boy, or you can start swimming to the life raft on the other side of you.
I really really feel for you. I know how tough it must be. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
Slippycoco am in the same boat as you except am axbf (am forcing myself to use this term) don't live together. 4 days ago I broke up with him for once again not showing to meet me. I am going to assume he is drinking he had been lying to me all day. I had a mediation session with my ex husband and was very upset and wanted to be comforted. While we were on the phone he told me that am giving my ex husband more energy than I give him. To myself I was like wtf??? Then later in the day we spoke again and I was crying and he stated he was looking for wrk and he thought I would be proud of him. Smh, (He loss his job apartment and 100 lbs in the course of 6 months) He finally admitted to me after I figured it that he was actively drinking back in June. He had 9 yrs of sobriety and 1 month after his 9th aniversity he started drinking again. His daughter is just like your AB son her mother doesn't care. I struggle everyday all day to get though this. I can only tell you attempt to keep yourself occupied even with your broken foot. Aren't there still yoga moves that you could perform with a broken foot? Find another alnon meeting that you may click with better. Keep searching until you find the right one. Alnon really does wrks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Long Beach, California
Posts: 69
SlippyCoco, I want to hug you. I'm also wondering how you've been doing for the past month and a half? How are things in your life?
I'm going through some Hell right now too. Different than yours, but only in details...the base is the same: we both love an addict. My loved one is in rehab currently, following a very scary relapse (he had been sober for 3 years). I don't particularly like the rehab he's currently in, though...but right now, I'm just rolling with it. I literally take life one day at a time right now. I have no other choice and will go crazy if I try to consider life in any other way. I swear sometimes it feels like each breath I take is something I have to think about and force myself to do. I still cry every day, but I save it all up for the moment I go to our bed at night. While he's in this in-patient treatment program, he isn't allowed to have ANY contact in ANY way with anyone he knows, for 9-12 months. Talk about heartbreak...
Al-Anon has been a beautiful addition to my life and I seriously wonder WHY have I not gone to it before this?? I went to a meeting thinking I wasn't going to find anything of use there...and then I heard something that caught my attention...and another thing and another...it was like this whole world opened up. I could FINALLY see a light at the end of the tunnel! It has been a VERY long and VERY dark tunnel, and that light is still far away, but I see it!
I have much hope for you, SlippyCoco...I genuinely wish you the best and send positive vibes to you!
I'm going through some Hell right now too. Different than yours, but only in details...the base is the same: we both love an addict. My loved one is in rehab currently, following a very scary relapse (he had been sober for 3 years). I don't particularly like the rehab he's currently in, though...but right now, I'm just rolling with it. I literally take life one day at a time right now. I have no other choice and will go crazy if I try to consider life in any other way. I swear sometimes it feels like each breath I take is something I have to think about and force myself to do. I still cry every day, but I save it all up for the moment I go to our bed at night. While he's in this in-patient treatment program, he isn't allowed to have ANY contact in ANY way with anyone he knows, for 9-12 months. Talk about heartbreak...
Al-Anon has been a beautiful addition to my life and I seriously wonder WHY have I not gone to it before this?? I went to a meeting thinking I wasn't going to find anything of use there...and then I heard something that caught my attention...and another thing and another...it was like this whole world opened up. I could FINALLY see a light at the end of the tunnel! It has been a VERY long and VERY dark tunnel, and that light is still far away, but I see it!
I have much hope for you, SlippyCoco...I genuinely wish you the best and send positive vibes to you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 34
Hey atalose, I have a question for you. You said that you wish you had taken 6 months to a year away from your relationship to be able to see the "bigger picture instead of continuing to struggling inside of it." I wonder, do you ever feel that if you had taken a step back, it might have come to a different conclusion? Or do you think you would have just had the courage to leave earlier?
🚫Proverbial Pink Elephant
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 31
I married and divorced a man in recovery. We were married 3 years and he relapsed and became violent. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was unsafe to say the least. Divorce was the only option. I lost everything I had (house, car, business etc.) before we got married including my sobriety. He had a history of chronic relapse. Anything more than one relapse is chronic. Not a good candidate for a healthy relationship. He has now already been married and divorced to someone else.
I had a terrible relapse as a result of the emotional and financial wreckage as I did not cope with it well. It was along way back 4 years clean and sober 4/20/11.
If we people in recovery marry someone else in recovery who then relapses it jeopardizes our sobriety and sometimes our lives. We should not take this lightly. A potential partner in recovery should have long term solid sobriety and NO history of chronic relapse. IMHO.
I had a terrible relapse as a result of the emotional and financial wreckage as I did not cope with it well. It was along way back 4 years clean and sober 4/20/11.
If we people in recovery marry someone else in recovery who then relapses it jeopardizes our sobriety and sometimes our lives. We should not take this lightly. A potential partner in recovery should have long term solid sobriety and NO history of chronic relapse. IMHO.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Needabreak 
SlippyCoco, madness lies in this direction. There is no understanding the inner workings of an alcoholic / addict's brain. It simply doesn't make sense. It is insanity.
You don't have to volunteer to be the spouse of an alcoholic. The choice is yours. But never underestimate the power of another person's addiction to wreck your own life. It is nothing to mess around with.
You don't have to volunteer to be the spouse of an alcoholic. The choice is yours. But never underestimate the power of another person's addiction to wreck your own life. It is nothing to mess around with.
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