playmeasong

Just don't give up on him. Or anybody. I survived cancer, and much more. I am an alcoholic. And unfortunately I enjoy it. I need to back off of it, but that's why I'm here. He's in there and he wants you, he just doesn't know how to say it. Or admit it.

Falseclaimsact

Not easy to do: saying "I love you but I need to take care of me" is interpreted by the addict mind as "you don't love me and you're leaving me behind"

But I say what I mean. There are no hidden messages from me. This is what's frustrating about any conversation about my needs. My needs are not "digs" at the addict.

ladyscribbler

Taking care of ourselves and our children is not the same thing as "giving up" on the addict or alcoholic. It means we can make the choice not to try to help someone who 1. doesn't really want our help and 2. is an adult and should be helping themselves. It means that we can make a choice not to accept unacceptable behavior.
We can love from a safe distance. We can remove ourselves and our children from the chaos of active addiction. Our world doesn't have to revolve around another person's disease.
And if someone has been drinking or using since before we met them, then how do we know who they really are?

zoso77

Hi, playmesong...

I see this was only your second post. You may want to check our forums that can provide you support for your drinking. Wishing you the best.

AWorriedFather

This is a great summary and describes my son to a "T". Even when my son was sober, he was lining up a plan B to feed his addiction. The drug WAS him all the time while he was in denial. His world view was messed up based it was based on drugs. My son didn't like change when it affected his addiction. He was extra nice to us when he got himself into trouble. He would patch things up with us and then we would continue enabling him. It was a vicious cycle. The trouble grew worse and worse until we had enough. The questions are, how much and for how long will you enable him? You are seeing the problem first because your world view is clearer than his.

Our son didn't start improving until he accept he had a problem, was openly talking about it, was surrounding himself with recovering people, AND we stopped enabling. The recovering people that are surrounding him, what we insisted on, are helping our son to reshape his world view. Reshaping his world view will not happen overnight, just like it won't happen for you overnight on how to know how to deal with this problem.

My recommendation is to keep learning. Attend meetings and keep reading.