Falseclaimsact

Hi. I have been lurking here for a while but decided to register because I see SO many of my exact thoughts and feelings written out by other people. Hoping I can join this community.

I can tell my fiance is struggling with sobriety and every time I bring it up it all gets denied away, down the Denial Chute. He appears to be exercising, he says he goes to meetings (sometimes, at least).

I don't think he wants to be an addict. (I understand how problematic that statement is).

I confess to being easily manipulated. I also want to enjoy the company of my fiance so badly. I confront him about failed home drug tests, nodding out, pindot eyes, frantic moods. Nothing ever comes of it, it gets explained away. The days following will include professions of love, flowers, walks around the neighborhood with our little family. I want to enjoy these times!! I feel like I do!!

I know that much of it must be a deeply sick manipulative show. But isn't my fiance somewhere in there too? Can't he mean it when he does nice things for me? I don't know who is who anymore: when is my fiance acting, when is it his addiction.

zoso77

Of course you can. Welcome to the Board. We're glad that you took the step to de-lurk and post.

Other members will be by to greet you and offer support. In the meantime, as is my wont, I've got some thoughts I'd like to share with you as well.

I think someone in active drug addiction wants to be able to pick up and use without experiencing any sort of consequences or paying any price. It's a very, very selfish state of being. It's really a disease of the mind, the body, and the soul.

From what you describe, he's doing the minimum to keep you around; buying flowers, while a nice gesture on its own terms, doesn't mean a thing when the person giving them to you is not emotionally available. And your fiancé, from the way you describe him, is not emotionally available. No one in active addiction is.

Since you've already been lurking for a while, I am guessing you've read some posts that resonate with you deeply, which is a good thing. I can't tell you what to do with respect to your relationship with him. What I will encourage you to do, however, is to educate yourself as to what you're dealing with. Once you absorb that knowledge, you will be in a better place such that you can make the best decisions for you. Be mindful that those decisions may not be what you want. But sometimes in life, we're confronted with choices that we don't want to make, but have to in order to be steady and sane.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

Falseclaimsact

Thanks for the welcome, and your reply. Your advice to "educate myself" : do you mean about the mechanics of addiction, others' experiences? Something else?

Internalizing what I have read about addiction and making choices about my daily life have not yet converged. We never talked about the fact that he was arrested for heroin (I went straight into rescue mode--the legal emergency was thrilling for me). Is it too late to bring it up? Who am I to tell him that if he's not going to meetings every day, he's not doing enough?

How can I organize my boundaries. I want to begin self care. It seems like that requires some initial stability. I feel like I don't have that.

ladyscribbler

Have you looked into Naranon or Alanon meetings for yourself?
As far as boundaries and self care go, it sounds like he's not ready to quit. Waiting for him to be stable so that you can start taking care of yourself is going to be a losing battle.
What helped me was to do a lot of work on myself through Alanon and individual counseling. To examine my motivations for "rescuing" others, especially my alcoholic ex, and to understand why I found drama so thrilling. I also educated myself on the disease of alcoholism/addiction and also on the dynamics of the addict/codependent relationship.

zoso77

Learning about the disease is part of it. But I think what's more invaluable is learning how others here have dealt with a loved one's addiction. For most of us, it's not a straight, flat road.

You have no control over his addiction. You have no control over whether he goes to meetings or not. You can't save him. You can't rescue him. All you can do is monitor yourself and your choices.

LadyScribbler made a good suggestion: finding a local Al Anon and/or Nar Anon would be a chance to learn how others dealt with the condition, and it would be a good opportunity to get in-person support. You don't have to share if you don't want to. You can just listen. And I'm pretty certain that someone will say something, and it will click with you.

Give it a go.

Dita

I just subscribed as well and am in a similar situation with where to go from here. I think I may be further down the road with dealing with my addict daughter than you appear to be. It is brutal and has drained me of life. She is 25 and has been using for 5 years, if this wasn't my own flesh and blood I would have walked away a long time ago. Her addiction has changed me and it is starting to affect my relationships with everyone else. I just very recently stopped making excuses for her and her behavior. I don't know how long you have been with him or if you have children with him, but you cannot snatch him off of the path he is on. I would give anything to have my daughter back, I am pretty sure I haven't seen the real her in 5 years. I wish you the best.

atalose

Part of your recovery is to NOT accept those lame explanations. What you see and what you hear with your own eyes and ears is what you see and hear.

In my own experience, these times were due to the fact that he just scored some pills and was high.

I think alot of knowing who the person really is lies in some facts like how long have you been with him? Has he been using the entire time and his usage has reached a point where its now obvious to you?

hopeful4

He is one and the same. Addiction is progressive, which means it will progress further and further. They are the same person, they change with addiction.

Honey, I hope you don't marry an addict. It is one of the hardest marriages, and divorces, to go through.

Falseclaimsact

Thanks everyone for your honesty.... It's been missing from my life for a while!

We have a baby together. He's been using for a long time, vxbefore me. I found out in the worst way, like a ton of bricks, around the time our baby was 8 weeks old.

I feel like I am so ready to make healthy choices. The need has become apparent to me.

zoso77

Hey...listen to me...

It is very, very important to put the well being of your baby first. There is no room for error. Yes, you're confused, and you're hurt, and I get that. But that has to take a back seat at the moment. You have to do what is necessary to protect your baby. By doing that, you also protect yourself.

No games. No eff'ing around. OK?

Falseclaimsact

I can't help but interpret this as condescending. My online story is spare of details for that very reason. I do appreciate the place you're coming from, but this tone doesn't work for me.

zoso77

I apologize. That is not, and was not, my intention.

I have seen a lot of women and moms with babies come through here in the same predicament as you. And most of the time, it does not go well. Since you've been lurking, I bet you know this, too.

My intentions in reaching out to you this way are the very best. I want what's best for you and for your baby, and I don't want you to suffer any more than you already have.

Enjoy the rest of your night.

Falseclaimsact

Phewf, I've been really sensitive lately, sorry. I have a feeling you understand. thank you.

Al anon meetings are far away from me, and the last time I went it was not my vibe. Plus, I got a baby.....I'm thankful for all of the experiences to read here. So much to take in.

katie44

Addiction is a progressive disease. Until he's ready for change there isn't a thing you can do . The addict is a master manipulator telling you what you want to hear. I'm sorry you are going through this it is so painful. The whole family becomes ill & lost in the chaos . Focus on yourself and your baby . You've started small steps one by coming to SR. Perhaps you could find another group meeting . I know myself I have attended meetings that I did not feel comfortable at. We do have meetings here where parents can bring there babies . There is also individual counselling you may be able too seek out .

ladyscribbler

The day we brought our son home from the hospital, my alcoholic ex drank a pint of Jim Beam and passed out on the kitchen floor with his head in the dog's dish. It still took me four more years to leave, even after a sign like that.
There's no way I could have gone to Alanon back then, it was bad enough leaving the house to go to work every night. I never knew what I'd find when I got home. My biggest regret today is not leaving sooner. But I had so much hope that my ex would change.
He did change. He was a binge drinker who progressed to being a physically dependent daily drinker. He is unable to hold down a job or go to school. He has rearranged his entire life to enable his drinking, even going so far as to marry his aunt (uncle's widow) so that he has someone to clean up after him and drive him to the liquor store. She has encouraged him to take me to court to fight for unsupervised visitation with our son, who is now six.
My second biggest regret is not getting some kind of custody arrangement on paper before he hooked up with his enabling, instigating wife.
No advice, just please think very carefully about the reality of your life right now, not his potential if he gets clean, and what you want your future to look like. Also think about what "love" means to you. What I thought was love was actually a combination of fear, guilt, dependency and lots of other weird emotions all jumbled up together.

tomsteve

Sometimes I read something that reminds me I'm not unique and this is one of them things I read that remind me.
It didn't matter what anyone in my life did to try and get me to see I needed help. They could have gotten masters degrees on the subject of alcoholism/addiction. It didn't even matter with myself knowing I needed to do something about it. Beat me over a head with a crowbar. Throw me into rehab. Kik me to the curb. Tell me how I was effecting everyone around me. It didn't do a thing.
Except give me times to tell people what they wanted to hear. I can still be amazed at some of the flashbacks to who I used to be and wonder how some people believed what I said.
But then there were the ones that got tired of hearing it. They stopped believing anything and everything that came out of my mouth.
Take my ex fiancé. She had gotten so sick of hearing my crap, so tired of all the insanity, that there came a time that when I'd say " I'm sorry" for my actions and word, she would say, " you're f-in right you're sorry."
So, what did it take for me to get sober?
It wasn't being told the damage I had done, how I hurt people, having people tell me how alcohol was effecting me both mentally and physically.
It was me wanting to get sober and willing to change.

I still believe, and probably always will, that the best move my ex fiancé made was to throw me to the curb.
Not for me, but for her.

Not saying you should do that, but she should have. I was taking her down with me and was gonna take her down even further if she stayed with me.

dandylion

Falseclaimsact......this is the way I see it......Zoso cares enough to try to give you a "heads up" that addiction will chew you up and spit you out----without so much as a second thought......

dandylion

zoso77

No need to apologize.

Al Anon can be unsettling at first. It certainly was for me. But the greatest benefit from my perspective was listening to how other people dealt with their own situations, situations that were a lot worse than mine. And somehow, they got through it. Dinged up, certainly, but they got through it.

Figure out what works best for you. If meetings don't work for you, then that's OK. As long as you have a way to vent, and as long as you keep and open mind about what you read here, then it's all good.

JOIE12

always thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes it's hard to 'hear' but each of us cares in so many ways and the notes give us all food for thought even when we read something we wish we hadn't. A thought will stick with us and often carry us through some pretty painful moments.

None of us are judging you at all, we feel bad ... when you feel bad. We feel sick knowing that you are feeling what we have felt. It's compassion and everyone will share to help you as we have been helped.

Hugs to you and wishes for peace.
Joie

Falseclaimsact

Joie, dandylion , I hear you on that. I am definitely sensitive to advice to put my baby first, when it suggests that I don't already. Thanks to all for caring, it is meaningful to me.

What would you do/have you done in the scenario of family functions, celebrations? I have one coming up and am worried about how it's going to go. It's unlikely he will be sober. I cannot ask him to be sober, clearly. If he shows up high, my family has no problem asking him to leave. That would really deflate me, too.

(I want to say that if he is sober, we'll all have a nice time).

What am I supposed to do in these seemingly no win situations. What have you done?