moment of weakness

Old 05-10-2015, 08:41 AM
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moment of weakness

hey everyone,

does anyone ever think that maybe if they had been more understanding, maybe found this forum sooner, and then maybe handled things better, their addict would have been better? or maybe not even better but maybe a better person towards you? maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad?

im scared that now things are officially over and done with and we can't ever go back, that i'm gonna miss out on what this person had to offer. i know recovery looks like recovery, and he DEFINITELY wasn't there. but maybe its because i had never known the sober AB. maybe he really truly is a jerk in real life.

i miss him. i'm ashamed of my behavior. but how could anyone act sane when their person is hot/cold, dissappears, sleeps for forever and a day, and then in an instant wants to do stuff? i mean after two stinking years, i kinda expected to know what my person was up to, not in a stalking, controlling way, but more like, hey i'm not doing ABC today, so i'm doing XYZ instead. i mean after all the crap, after all the lies, relapses, etc, i was still there, and then to find out, for the past year he's been smoking pot? and lying and covering it up?!?!? the two times he's left houston, it was to go to colorado (without me mind you) and guess whats legal in colorado?!?!? hmmmm...

i live in texas now, but i lived in new york for 30 years, there were so many times i offered to fly him there with me for visits, one of which being my sisters wedding, and there was always an excuse as to why he couldn't. i always wanted him (before the craziness) to meet MY friends and MY family. see where i grew up. have me know where i was and him not have a clue, show him all of my favorite places. but it never happened.

he used to say i was crazy for modeling what i could of my schedule with his, i'm a nurse, and we can self schedule, and i work nights, so why wouldn't i want it to kinda match up the best with him, that way maybe on a day off we can try and be like normal humans and be awake during the day and actually do something, instead of sleeping and watching stupid tv.

ok well thats it. thank you for listening. sorry this was kinda ranting.
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Old 05-10-2015, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Nowiamawas1026 View Post
hey everyone,

does anyone ever think that maybe if they had been more understanding, maybe found this forum sooner, and then maybe handled things better, their addict would have been better?
I'm positive that if I had been more consistent and less lenient, found this forum sooner, my mental physical emotional and spiritual health would not have suffered.
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Old 05-10-2015, 10:54 AM
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You can't think of it that way. Not at all.
I have been with my addict for 2 years also. And not once in those 2 years has he used ANY opportunity he was given to stay consistently, religiously clean, honest, dry, employed, none of it. Every time I have ever thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel of his addict brain & behavior, we have turned a corner & there has been another little white lie covering up more lies, stealing, manipulation, etc.
I miss my husband too. I miss the good times, because we did have those. I miss the person I know he SHOULD be and CAN be when he chooses to. But that is not the person he IS. And he is not willing to stick with treatment/counseling/etc in order to be the person he can be.
I have come to realise the hard way that the only time things were truly, really good between us is when I did not ask any questions. When I ignored my gut & accepted his lame & bizarre excuses or reasons for his behavior. When I deliberately chose to believe that things were "better" when under the surface they were anything but.
Please take care of yourself. The reality of these situations sucks ass. But you deserve so much better than this endless cycle of ups, downs & the blame game.
Hugs, I know exactly how you are feeling today.
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Old 05-10-2015, 11:30 AM
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I found this forum within a month of my deceased boyfriend's dance with the devil.

It helped me handle what was happening.

I helped me perhaps with some decisions ... but this forum and any other means will never stop or alter the behavior and decisions of an addict.

It's a difficult thing to accept. I used to think the same thing in the beginning but I became aware that coming here, reading and sharing was for me. And maybe being able to help someone else here.
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Old 05-10-2015, 12:57 PM
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I think every one of us here have questioned our intentions. I'm thankful that many of the people on here were direct and to the point with me, sparing me of the fantasy I wanted to believe.

Addiction does look like addiction and I don't know that I ever saw sobriety. I do know that each of us deserve more than we ever received.

Sending big hugs your way.
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