My 20 year old Son
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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My 20 year old Son
First post here. Finding myself in a new world of struggling an learning, where do I begin....
Our 20 year old Son picked up a dui while at college. He was using street Xanax. Rewind to December, and we caught him stealing our liquor, smoking weed, AND offering it to our 15 year old son, WHILE IN OUR HOME. We kicked him out. He went to his girlfriends house. Before leaving for Spring semester, we gave him the altimatum, stop weed and alcohol, bring the grades up, or we are not paying for college. Little did we know the trouble he was in.
One week after his DUI, things were not making sense. My wife and I drove to his college and intervened, caught him still messed up. He agree to get help, but had no choice really. He was failing his classes. We threatened to cut him off financially. His room was nasty, weed, pills, etc. I found his drug phone; it scared the h_ll out of me reading it.
He spent two weeks in detox, and will be spending a minimum 28 days in intense in-living therapy. His care is being provided 700 miles away. We visited him last weekend and he seems to be doing well.
In two weeks we must make an important decision, to let him return to college and attend summer school to repeat a class that he has failed, something he wants, or keep him home for the summer and sign him up for continued local theropy and observe how he does. I'm still with the latter. We have "family" weekend with him in two weeks.
This is all new to me. I have plenty to learn.
Our 20 year old Son picked up a dui while at college. He was using street Xanax. Rewind to December, and we caught him stealing our liquor, smoking weed, AND offering it to our 15 year old son, WHILE IN OUR HOME. We kicked him out. He went to his girlfriends house. Before leaving for Spring semester, we gave him the altimatum, stop weed and alcohol, bring the grades up, or we are not paying for college. Little did we know the trouble he was in.
One week after his DUI, things were not making sense. My wife and I drove to his college and intervened, caught him still messed up. He agree to get help, but had no choice really. He was failing his classes. We threatened to cut him off financially. His room was nasty, weed, pills, etc. I found his drug phone; it scared the h_ll out of me reading it.
He spent two weeks in detox, and will be spending a minimum 28 days in intense in-living therapy. His care is being provided 700 miles away. We visited him last weekend and he seems to be doing well.
In two weeks we must make an important decision, to let him return to college and attend summer school to repeat a class that he has failed, something he wants, or keep him home for the summer and sign him up for continued local theropy and observe how he does. I'm still with the latter. We have "family" weekend with him in two weeks.
This is all new to me. I have plenty to learn.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Good morning, Worried Father, and welcome to the board. There are lots of parents here who have walked in your shoes, and continue to. The 20-something and younger addict children are particularly tricky to deal with for us. We have to find the balance between caring for our addict child, setting firm boundaries for ourselves, keep the rest of the family, especially younger siblings, safe, and well...it is hard!
You can read my story from a few years ago. My recovering addict daughter (RAD) is now 21 and has been sober for nine months now. It has been a long road, but today I am feeling good about her recovery.
As for what to do when he gets out of treatment--you have more options than college or your house. Sober living is highly recommended! Both college and home are places he has used and put others at risk. I have allowed my RAD to come home between sober situations and while she was actively using (but lied about it), so I cannot recommend it. You might consider looking for sober living in the area where he is currently at treatment. Ask the counselors there--they usually have someone whose job it is to find sober living for clients about to leave.
I'd also recommend he not attend college again until the fall, at the earliest. He has to break his old patterns very, very deliberately and stay committed to it. My RAD tried to get back into college after 2-3 months sober (her first time sober) and it deteriorated because she relapsed at the end of the first semester.
And for you and your family, NarAnon meetings can also be very helpful--you get face-to-face support and learn about how to use a 12-Step program to detach in a loving way from your son's addiction. Another great place: Sober Families || Helping families with addiction HomePage - Sober Families || Helping families with addiction They promote a method called CRAFT that some folks here have found very helpful.
My heart goes out to you. This is really hard. We are here for you, so keep us posted, keep reading, and keep asking questions. There are no dumb questions when it comes to trying to understanding addiction!
You can read my story from a few years ago. My recovering addict daughter (RAD) is now 21 and has been sober for nine months now. It has been a long road, but today I am feeling good about her recovery.
As for what to do when he gets out of treatment--you have more options than college or your house. Sober living is highly recommended! Both college and home are places he has used and put others at risk. I have allowed my RAD to come home between sober situations and while she was actively using (but lied about it), so I cannot recommend it. You might consider looking for sober living in the area where he is currently at treatment. Ask the counselors there--they usually have someone whose job it is to find sober living for clients about to leave.
I'd also recommend he not attend college again until the fall, at the earliest. He has to break his old patterns very, very deliberately and stay committed to it. My RAD tried to get back into college after 2-3 months sober (her first time sober) and it deteriorated because she relapsed at the end of the first semester.
And for you and your family, NarAnon meetings can also be very helpful--you get face-to-face support and learn about how to use a 12-Step program to detach in a loving way from your son's addiction. Another great place: Sober Families || Helping families with addiction HomePage - Sober Families || Helping families with addiction They promote a method called CRAFT that some folks here have found very helpful.
My heart goes out to you. This is really hard. We are here for you, so keep us posted, keep reading, and keep asking questions. There are no dumb questions when it comes to trying to understanding addiction!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
We have to find the balance between caring for our addict child, setting firm boundaries for ourselves, keep the rest of the family, especially younger sikblings, safe, and well...it is hard!
Thank you for your response.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
WorriedFather, we are dealing with a similar situation right now. Son will be 20 in two weeks. See my post titled "Son Coming Home." He did not go through detox but has been in resident rehab for 42 days and will be there for at least 60. He may stay for 90 but that has not been decided yet. He also plans to go back to college but will not be attending the same college because that place was toxic for him. Two of our other children graduated from that university and did great but he could not handle it. We have the same guilty feelings of being too lenient, helping him out too much in younger years with smaller incidences, etc. We can't look back now, we are moving forward and will do what we can to help him grow into a responsible adult but his sobriety will have to be on his own terms. He is doing really well in rehab and is starting a job today. He is working the 12 steps and has a sponsor that he seems to like and I think that will be an important part of his recovery once he leaves rehab.
There is a lot of great advice on these boards so read as much as you can. I know that it will be a long road and my husband and I have to stand by each other. I spend a lot of time praying. Good luck.
There is a lot of great advice on these boards so read as much as you can. I know that it will be a long road and my husband and I have to stand by each other. I spend a lot of time praying. Good luck.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 37
First time posting/replying but have been reading for years.... 
Felt I needed to reply to your post. PLEASE do whatever you can to stop this now. Unfortunately I was naeive and un-educated about addiction when my then 21 year old started spinning out of control at college. 5 years later (3 rehabs, tons of money, etc.) he is a full blown
heroin addict. Hear from him from time to time, but totally out of my control now.
We all made mistakes with our children, but now is the time to do what your head tells you. If I were to do again, I would have yanked my son out of college, forced him to work while perhaps sober living??? But I did not do that and he continued his drug use, eventually settling on heroin. Sounds as if your son has not graduated to that yet.
Please, learn as much as you can and above all, do not let him fool you. It is so hard
to not believe them and want to cure them. Many wise people/parents here.
I wish you luck and hope you can stop the heartbreak early on....
Felt I needed to reply to your post. PLEASE do whatever you can to stop this now. Unfortunately I was naeive and un-educated about addiction when my then 21 year old started spinning out of control at college. 5 years later (3 rehabs, tons of money, etc.) he is a full blownheroin addict. Hear from him from time to time, but totally out of my control now.
We all made mistakes with our children, but now is the time to do what your head tells you. If I were to do again, I would have yanked my son out of college, forced him to work while perhaps sober living??? But I did not do that and he continued his drug use, eventually settling on heroin. Sounds as if your son has not graduated to that yet.
Please, learn as much as you can and above all, do not let him fool you. It is so hard
to not believe them and want to cure them. Many wise people/parents here.
I wish you luck and hope you can stop the heartbreak early on....
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear worried, I am a Momma of a 25 year old Heroin addict (who may or may not be in recovery today??). We also were too lenient when he was younger, and I am a classic enabler. I would recommend reading as much as you can about addiction, and all of the stories in this site. I would highly recommend your son get additional support either with AA/NA or even look into rehabs that are geared towards college age kids. I think even here on SR are some that have their residents attending college while living under the care of rehab. If your son was dabbling in opiates (vicadin, oxycontin, Norco, roxy, etc), then watch out. Those are the ones that lead to heroin. That is something you don't want to deal with I assure you.
Let your son know what you will and will not do for him. At 20, they think they know everything and have ZERO clue about consequences in the big adult world!
Let your son know what you will and will not do for him. At 20, they think they know everything and have ZERO clue about consequences in the big adult world!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Pilot lady,
Thank you for your response. So many options, soooo many choices. My gut tells me he never finished growing up once he turned to regularly using weed during his junior and senior high school years, and that his belief system will not change in 28 days. So I currently agree immeadiatly sending him back to college is not the right choice. This is on top of the results of my poor parenting skills of taking care of his problems. It's time to face life head on and the consequences of wrong choices. Mom and Dad will still provide food, shelter, and college but it needs to be on extremely careful terms. What those terms are I still need to figure out, carefully.
Thank you for your response. So many options, soooo many choices. My gut tells me he never finished growing up once he turned to regularly using weed during his junior and senior high school years, and that his belief system will not change in 28 days. So I currently agree immeadiatly sending him back to college is not the right choice. This is on top of the results of my poor parenting skills of taking care of his problems. It's time to face life head on and the consequences of wrong choices. Mom and Dad will still provide food, shelter, and college but it needs to be on extremely careful terms. What those terms are I still need to figure out, carefully.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
ILMSJJ,
Thank you for your response.
This is the hardest part. My wife and I refinanced our home to pay for his college. The hardest part is determing how far do we gamble as parents.
Thank you for your response.
Let your son know what you will and will not do for him.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Welcome, AWorriedFather. There is a lot of wisdom here, and reading all the stickies here, along with hearing from those experienced in what you are going through might give you some guidance. I am so sorry for why you had to join, but I am glad you are here. It helps to know you are not alone, for even though we know we are not the only ones, it is good to get support from those who understand.
take care,
chicory
take care,
chicory
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
Just found out that the recovery center has prescribed to my son,
Gabapentin for anxiety and back pain
Lexapro for anxiety
Robaxin for muscle relaxer
Wellbutrin for add
Seroquel for sleep.
Is this not just substituting drugs for drugs? I was not expecting this.
Gabapentin for anxiety and back pain
Lexapro for anxiety
Robaxin for muscle relaxer
Wellbutrin for add
Seroquel for sleep.
Is this not just substituting drugs for drugs? I was not expecting this.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
If you don’t quickly let go of the guilt of not being a “perfect parent”, it will continue to negatively affect your decision making at this critical time.
Your parenting is done. You did well enough and you don’t get a re-do.
Try to set some simple boundaries and beware of making empty threats and playing warden.
I will not allow illegal drug use in my home.
I will not be disrespected.
Basic things that are very easy to say but difficult to mean when dealing with an adult child.
Some of the decisions that you need to make right now go against every natural parental instinct. That’s why it’s tough love on you, not him.
Have him take out some wonderful student loans and tell him you’ll pay them off if he earns his degree.
You don’t need to waste your money or time on his education if he isn’t interested.
Your parenting is done. You did well enough and you don’t get a re-do.
Try to set some simple boundaries and beware of making empty threats and playing warden.
I will not allow illegal drug use in my home.
I will not be disrespected.
Basic things that are very easy to say but difficult to mean when dealing with an adult child.
Some of the decisions that you need to make right now go against every natural parental instinct. That’s why it’s tough love on you, not him.
Have him take out some wonderful student loans and tell him you’ll pay them off if he earns his degree.
You don’t need to waste your money or time on his education if he isn’t interested.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Have him take out some wonderful student loans and tell him you’ll pay them off if he earns his degree.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
WF, will the doctor at the center talk to you about the prescriptions? I know with the whole privacy thing unless they have your son's permission, they won't talk to you. They did prescribe Trazadone, for sleep for my son after he had been there a 10 days and his girlfriend broke up with him. I hope that once he leaves rehab, he will not need that prescription.
Luckily, our son is at a rehab that is close to us so we see him twice a week, once for group meetings and once for lecture. And we have had family therapy twice since he has been there. That has been very helpful and we will keep that up once he leaves just to keep us all on the same page and keep communication open. My husband and I also each see a counselor separately as part of the program.
It sounds like our sons were on the same path and both have about the same maturity level. Stopped maturing their junior year in high school when weed entered their lives. Our son has had a few small summer jobs but he started his first job today that he got on his own so I think this is a step in the right direction and part of him growing up. At least, I hope so.
Luckily, our son is at a rehab that is close to us so we see him twice a week, once for group meetings and once for lecture. And we have had family therapy twice since he has been there. That has been very helpful and we will keep that up once he leaves just to keep us all on the same page and keep communication open. My husband and I also each see a counselor separately as part of the program.
It sounds like our sons were on the same path and both have about the same maturity level. Stopped maturing their junior year in high school when weed entered their lives. Our son has had a few small summer jobs but he started his first job today that he got on his own so I think this is a step in the right direction and part of him growing up. At least, I hope so.
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Location: New York
Posts: 277
Aworriedfather, My son 21 full time student came home and said he was hooked on Percocet. Snorting it. In rehab he went for 20 days brought him home. Suppose to be doing outpatient intensive rehab. Found out went sometimes but was back using drugs quickly under my roof. Not enough knowledge is what addiction feeds off of. Addiction is a disease. Anything out of there mouths while using is lies. They can't help it apparently. Next stealing and hocking to keep up his habit. Arrested now and scared so back to rehab and then to an extended rehab states away. I have learned a lot on this forum. All 20k school loans co signed by me. But I refused to let him go back to school. I said he was sick and got a medical hold for a semester. For him but also for me so loans don't come due immediately. If its opiates the hold on these boys is in sane and I am sorry You must read on this site and gain knowledge the guilt is awful. Butvyoucgotta put it aside as others have said. I will be telling my son to go to a sober recovery house next. That in my mind is to save his life. Being under my roof is not where he needs to be. He needs to be with others fighting the fight. If you do allow him make up a contract and boundaries that work for you and your wife. Back to school this soon to me in my opinion means back to drugs. Read Educate. It gives you power of knowledge.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
WF, It will be good to get as much information as possible and keep the lines of communication open. You have to trust that the recovery center staff knows what they are doing. They deal with addicts all day, every day but it's important to ask questions and make sure that everyone is on the same page.
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Hi AWF. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. I was in rehab two summers ago and currently take gabapentin (fibromyalgia/mixed connective tissue) and Wellbutrin. Neither of them give me any sort of buzz. I was also given Seroquel in rehab.
Seroquel was pretty widely prescribed at very low doses in rehab for sleep. To be honest, I think they used it to help keep the peace but it definitely helped with sleep. However, when I got out I immediately weaned off of it with help from my psychiatrist.
To the best of my knowledge Effexor doesn't give a buzz either. I am not familiar with the 5th drug.
I think it is great that you are going to be able to talk to doctors, I hope it will alleviate your concerns. I am 50 and decided to go to rehab on my own, so it didn't behoove me to try to game anybody when I got sober. I was scrupulous about making sure what I was taking was for the right reasons and not chasing a high.
I have come to believe that many of us with substance abuse problems are trying to adjust some sort of chemical deficiency, manage pain, even sleep. Drugs like alcohol or benzos(xanax) offer us immediate relief and are available. Unfortunately, until the substances become a problem the underlying issues are often hard to see. And as a patient, when you have always had issues with self-regulation then it is hard to understand that you are built differently as it is all you know.
Often our initial use serves some purpose…an attempt to modulate discomfort in an unhealthy way. But once using takes on a life of its own there are two issues.
I am not trying to convince you of anything, you should have seen the bag of pills that I was discharged with. BUT, it was mostly vitamins and the aforementioned, nothing controlled or mood altering. I did work with a psychiatrist who specialized in addiction when I left rehab once a week at first to get dosages right. She discovered that I have a genetic mutation that prevents me from processing folate properly which leads to depression, I now take Deplin, a prescription for that.
A lot of little things that I didn't know I was juggling that wore me down. But by getting all the things that I could managed properly, I have not had a brutal time in recovery.
I really hope that your son is ok, and I hope you continue to take care of yourself. I hope this helped a bit regarding being put on meds in rehab. For the first time in a decade I can sleep, I am not in constant pain. The drugs I am on now in no way resemble what I was using before I got sober. And it might sound weird but taking pills now is as uninteresting as brushing my teeth, there is no expectation of a buzz or immediate relief. I have learned healthier ways to deal with things, I hope the same happens for your son. Recovery is tough, but having the wind at your back with properly managed medications is one more line in the plus column.
Seroquel was pretty widely prescribed at very low doses in rehab for sleep. To be honest, I think they used it to help keep the peace but it definitely helped with sleep. However, when I got out I immediately weaned off of it with help from my psychiatrist.
To the best of my knowledge Effexor doesn't give a buzz either. I am not familiar with the 5th drug.
I think it is great that you are going to be able to talk to doctors, I hope it will alleviate your concerns. I am 50 and decided to go to rehab on my own, so it didn't behoove me to try to game anybody when I got sober. I was scrupulous about making sure what I was taking was for the right reasons and not chasing a high.
I have come to believe that many of us with substance abuse problems are trying to adjust some sort of chemical deficiency, manage pain, even sleep. Drugs like alcohol or benzos(xanax) offer us immediate relief and are available. Unfortunately, until the substances become a problem the underlying issues are often hard to see. And as a patient, when you have always had issues with self-regulation then it is hard to understand that you are built differently as it is all you know.
Often our initial use serves some purpose…an attempt to modulate discomfort in an unhealthy way. But once using takes on a life of its own there are two issues.
I am not trying to convince you of anything, you should have seen the bag of pills that I was discharged with. BUT, it was mostly vitamins and the aforementioned, nothing controlled or mood altering. I did work with a psychiatrist who specialized in addiction when I left rehab once a week at first to get dosages right. She discovered that I have a genetic mutation that prevents me from processing folate properly which leads to depression, I now take Deplin, a prescription for that.
A lot of little things that I didn't know I was juggling that wore me down. But by getting all the things that I could managed properly, I have not had a brutal time in recovery.
I really hope that your son is ok, and I hope you continue to take care of yourself. I hope this helped a bit regarding being put on meds in rehab. For the first time in a decade I can sleep, I am not in constant pain. The drugs I am on now in no way resemble what I was using before I got sober. And it might sound weird but taking pills now is as uninteresting as brushing my teeth, there is no expectation of a buzz or immediate relief. I have learned healthier ways to deal with things, I hope the same happens for your son. Recovery is tough, but having the wind at your back with properly managed medications is one more line in the plus column.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
Hi Worried. Your son is my son, just 5 years younger. So much of what you wrote is part of our story too. I am going to tell you some truths....all of my worrying about my son finishing college, staying one step ahead of him, pulling him out of bars, covering for him with teachers, basically delaying his adulthood MEANT NOTHING TO HIM. He was going to do what he wanted. He was too immature to appreciate what we were trying to do. You cannot make your son grow up. However, he is very young...school can wait until he appreciates it enough to take it seriously.
It has taken a DUI, three IOPs and Antabuse to get my son sober. It has been a long road. What I couldn't do, the police did for me. It's all very sad and I hope your son will realize it soon. Please keep us up to date.
It has taken a DUI, three IOPs and Antabuse to get my son sober. It has been a long road. What I couldn't do, the police did for me. It's all very sad and I hope your son will realize it soon. Please keep us up to date.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
Jaynie, thank you for sharing your perspective on this. Your post is very helpful. I agree, or shall I say I believe, there is an underlying problem that made my Son so desparate. His anxiety always seemed insense while growing up. Stage freight times 1000. Also, he is diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis ( 8 years ago with no fix ), and has several allergies. I have often wondered if his currently diagnosed medical conditions are related to his anxiety, and now drug use.
Others, thank you for your responses. I appreciate them.
Others, thank you for your responses. I appreciate them.
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