My 20 year old Son
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
AWF, the subject in Group on Monday was Working with the addict in Recovery and Working with the addict in Relapse. One of the points about working in recovery was to "encourage the efforts the addict makes now even though you may sometimes feel it's 'too little, too late.'" Even though he waited to call about his meds running out, at least he did it and he was 10 minutes late for the appointment but he went. When he was using, he would not have done either of those things. I know both of our kids should be further along in their maturity levels and more responsible but the fact is, the drug use stopped them from maturing so they have catching up to do. They are more immature than most 20 year olds. Glad that it's at least going okay and he did Step 1! And he's safe!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
So....one thing I didn't share with you. When I woke him up to enter the hotel, and then discovered he was way more F'd up than when he was when we left for the drive (he slept the entire 2hr drive), I ....was....pissed. I questioned him, and questioned him. When he finally admitted to taking more drugs, and I realized there was no way to appear in court, I ripped off his punk ass flat bill baseball hat (which I absolutely hate) and then called him several adjectives. He retaliated by attempting to tackle me. No punches. I shed him off. He tried to tackle me again. I threw him to the ground. He was strong but uncoordinated. He stopped.
The result to my right shoulder, diagnosed today: "Massive full-thickness tear through the supraspinatus and infraspinatus tendons with a 4cm medial retraction, and proximal biceps tendon moderate grade partial tearing with mild medial subluxation, and anterioinferior laberal tear." I have surgery on June 17th.
My son doesn't remember anything and I don't have the heart to tell him.
The result to my right shoulder, diagnosed today: "Massive full-thickness tear through the supraspinatus and infraspinatus tendons with a 4cm medial retraction, and proximal biceps tendon moderate grade partial tearing with mild medial subluxation, and anterioinferior laberal tear." I have surgery on June 17th.
My son doesn't remember anything and I don't have the heart to tell him.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Prayers to you for a safe recovery. You are wearing your scars of addiction both internally and externally. I am sorry for your condition. I know you love your son.
Fathers are more likely to show their fear and their love sometimes physically and mothers are more likely to show it with tears, fear and guilt.
Fathers are more likely to show their fear and their love sometimes physically and mothers are more likely to show it with tears, fear and guilt.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
Oh, AWF, I'm truly sorry. We've been there too. The anger and resentment builds and you are just so tired of it all...and we parents always end up worse for the wear.
Kudos to you for not telling him. I understand completely.
Kudos to you for not telling him. I understand completely.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am so sorry about this, AWF. I hope that someday you will feel comfortable telling him. He needs to understand what caused your injury. Letting him remain in the dark about it doesn't offer him that chance. In time, when you are ready, perhaps.
And what is it with those darn "punk-ass flat bill baseball" hats??!! Sometimes my daughter still wears the one her BF wore in active addiction...I hate it!! I am sorry about your injury, but I admit I really appreciated the visual of you ripping it off his head....
And what is it with those darn "punk-ass flat bill baseball" hats??!! Sometimes my daughter still wears the one her BF wore in active addiction...I hate it!! I am sorry about your injury, but I admit I really appreciated the visual of you ripping it off his head....
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: ireland
Posts: 5
healing
Drawn to your post as my son 18 and has issues with stuff also. However i myself am recovering addict and 20 year clean. i have gone to alot of family groups, al anon, nar anon, families anon becos of him, his dad and my own mom. Your lad mite be better off out of the home there mite be alot of anger and hurt both sides which is best worked thru at a distance. i betcha he a bright kid and mite be better getting himself involved in his goals and studies , tell him hes worth it he can do it and hes worth evry penny. His self worth is damaged and he will need to be around people who can believe in him, for a while, til he gets a bit stronger. in time he will make it up to you guys, in the meantime you have to stand back a bit and look at your own feelings which are yours just as his feelings are his . Parenting is haaaaaaaard, so b gentle wit yourself at all times, lol
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
Doing good. Thanks for asking.
Our son picked up an internship job near his school. He started working this week. He says he likes his job. He is learning new things.
We agreed to him driving his a car for work. It's not like we could stop him but we were utilizing the money we were giving him for rent and food as a threat. We demanded he get a job first or we will stop paying.
He procured a lawyer who represented him last Friday during his arraignment. As a result, we did not need to drive the distance or stay overnight to appear in court, and I did not need to miss an important day at work. Our Son agreed to pay back every penny. We told him if he doesn't pay by Fall next year then us paying his tuition will be in question (the new me.) He wants to pay us back. 3.5k for the lawyer and court fees and fines. The lawyer seemed to be impressed by the work he has done, even with the relapse. The lawyer knows our son has a good heart.
Our Son has not relapsed again, attends meetings, and continues to liev in the sober house. His sober house boss texted me last Friday out of the blue to say he's doing well. Somehow the boss must have seen something that impressed him.
Our Son came to visit us this Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I've been helping him work on his car. Blown head gasket. And, little brother in a tournament.
Conversations are normal, no drama, at least nothing delusional. He want's to transfer out of his school and out of the area. He wants to get away. Problem is, he needs to bring up his grades up or he won't be able to transfer.
My only gripe is his energy level. He sleeps a lot. We had to wake him up to attend his younger brother's game, and oh boy, it was a challenge. He fell asleep during his brother's game. Then while working on his car, I asked him to look up torque sequences and values for his car and he fell asleep doing so. I tried to wake him up and he didn't want to get out of bed, he complained that he had a severe headache. This is when I wrote down his medication because it concerns me. Mom gave him Aleive, or something, for his headache and then he came back to life, and we finished his car. I suppose sleeping is healing too. I was aggravated because I am worried about his car, and reinstalling a engine head with my ripped shoulder, and he's sleeping. Mom calmed me down, gave him the medicine, and she helped me lift the engine head!
Little brother was THE star of his second game. His team won 3 to 0. Little brother scored two goals and gifted the third goal (tap in) to his teammate. I believe he played well because his older brother was watching.
Not much else to report.
Our son picked up an internship job near his school. He started working this week. He says he likes his job. He is learning new things.
We agreed to him driving his a car for work. It's not like we could stop him but we were utilizing the money we were giving him for rent and food as a threat. We demanded he get a job first or we will stop paying.
He procured a lawyer who represented him last Friday during his arraignment. As a result, we did not need to drive the distance or stay overnight to appear in court, and I did not need to miss an important day at work. Our Son agreed to pay back every penny. We told him if he doesn't pay by Fall next year then us paying his tuition will be in question (the new me.) He wants to pay us back. 3.5k for the lawyer and court fees and fines. The lawyer seemed to be impressed by the work he has done, even with the relapse. The lawyer knows our son has a good heart.
Our Son has not relapsed again, attends meetings, and continues to liev in the sober house. His sober house boss texted me last Friday out of the blue to say he's doing well. Somehow the boss must have seen something that impressed him.
Our Son came to visit us this Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I've been helping him work on his car. Blown head gasket. And, little brother in a tournament.
Conversations are normal, no drama, at least nothing delusional. He want's to transfer out of his school and out of the area. He wants to get away. Problem is, he needs to bring up his grades up or he won't be able to transfer.
My only gripe is his energy level. He sleeps a lot. We had to wake him up to attend his younger brother's game, and oh boy, it was a challenge. He fell asleep during his brother's game. Then while working on his car, I asked him to look up torque sequences and values for his car and he fell asleep doing so. I tried to wake him up and he didn't want to get out of bed, he complained that he had a severe headache. This is when I wrote down his medication because it concerns me. Mom gave him Aleive, or something, for his headache and then he came back to life, and we finished his car. I suppose sleeping is healing too. I was aggravated because I am worried about his car, and reinstalling a engine head with my ripped shoulder, and he's sleeping. Mom calmed me down, gave him the medicine, and she helped me lift the engine head!
Little brother was THE star of his second game. His team won 3 to 0. Little brother scored two goals and gifted the third goal (tap in) to his teammate. I believe he played well because his older brother was watching.
Not much else to report.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
Glad to hear the positive news. I would research the prescription drugs as well. Sometimes they have to adjust the dosages to get them to the right amount for that person. Hope your surgery went well. Praying for your son and family as he continues down the road of recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
Just checking in. Things are going well.
There's someing to be said about providing tough love and not enabling. Many times through this journey we have wanted to "help" our son like we have "helped" him in the past, and to provide with things that our own parents were not able to provide us. We didn't. We stopped. We stopped spoiling him. We held our ground, and as tough as it was, we insisted on him enrolling in sober living. This was probably the best single move we made.
We understand that our son may relapse at any time. We accept this. But as our son continues to live in sober living, the more his perception seems to improve on how screwed up using drugs is. He sees this first hand with new arrivals and he now trys to help them rather than be the one who is being helped, and he likes it. He continues to learn on his own terms which way worth more than Mom and Dad telling him righ from wrong.
There's someing to be said about providing tough love and not enabling. Many times through this journey we have wanted to "help" our son like we have "helped" him in the past, and to provide with things that our own parents were not able to provide us. We didn't. We stopped. We stopped spoiling him. We held our ground, and as tough as it was, we insisted on him enrolling in sober living. This was probably the best single move we made.
We understand that our son may relapse at any time. We accept this. But as our son continues to live in sober living, the more his perception seems to improve on how screwed up using drugs is. He sees this first hand with new arrivals and he now trys to help them rather than be the one who is being helped, and he likes it. He continues to learn on his own terms which way worth more than Mom and Dad telling him righ from wrong.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
Sounds like he is moving in the right direction and doing well in recovery. It is good to hear that he is making it on his own in sober living. You all have something to celebrate.
My son is back home and goes to continuing care once a week to the place where he was inpatient for 90 days. He attends AA meetings and talks with his sponsor. He's been sober for 125 days, is working full time, and plans to enroll in school in the fall. He seems to be doing well and has matured so much in the last couple of months. He is so much more focused on his life and future. I know it is not easy for him because our town revolves around social events and festivals but he has found ways to stay busy and stay clean. We support him in his recovery but know that he is the one who has to want to stay clean and work the program. Praying for all of our kids.
My son is back home and goes to continuing care once a week to the place where he was inpatient for 90 days. He attends AA meetings and talks with his sponsor. He's been sober for 125 days, is working full time, and plans to enroll in school in the fall. He seems to be doing well and has matured so much in the last couple of months. He is so much more focused on his life and future. I know it is not easy for him because our town revolves around social events and festivals but he has found ways to stay busy and stay clean. We support him in his recovery but know that he is the one who has to want to stay clean and work the program. Praying for all of our kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
We, mom and dad, got very upset at our son last night.
We are paying $275/week for him to live in a sober living house. This includes $100/week for food and spending. We have been also paying $425/month for his old rent (old drug infested house. July was our last payment. We paid this to prevent breaking the lease.) We are paying for a summer class, a retake, one of several that he failed, but this one gives him a jump start for fall school so we agreed. This affects his ability to work full time this summer. We recently "loaned" him $1500 to make a first payment to his lawyer. In conclusion, we are shelling out a lot of money as a result of his poor choices. It's such a waste.
During all this, we requested (demanded/levied) he does not drive his car until, at least, he gets a job to pay for it. This is because, he got a DUI with the car, and he is unable to pay for it. Even with a job, anything he spends on the car is just more money he doesn't spend on himself (rent, food, school, DUI costs), and we must pay ultimately. And besides, he is likely to loose his license for 6 months, so he should just get used to it.
Well, he got a job, and he made $400 in June, and we let him have his car.
Last night we discovered he spent $600 on a new car stereo and $300 on vapor parts and juice. We found out that he withdrew money from a Bit account that he didn't tell us about. The money is gone now. What irked us the most is that he was asking us to pay for two new tires for his car, playing the safety card and stating he couldn't afford them.
He spent three days with us this weekend with this secret. It didn't seem to bother him. Does he really not understand? He's still acting like a 12 year old.
We are paying $275/week for him to live in a sober living house. This includes $100/week for food and spending. We have been also paying $425/month for his old rent (old drug infested house. July was our last payment. We paid this to prevent breaking the lease.) We are paying for a summer class, a retake, one of several that he failed, but this one gives him a jump start for fall school so we agreed. This affects his ability to work full time this summer. We recently "loaned" him $1500 to make a first payment to his lawyer. In conclusion, we are shelling out a lot of money as a result of his poor choices. It's such a waste.
During all this, we requested (demanded/levied) he does not drive his car until, at least, he gets a job to pay for it. This is because, he got a DUI with the car, and he is unable to pay for it. Even with a job, anything he spends on the car is just more money he doesn't spend on himself (rent, food, school, DUI costs), and we must pay ultimately. And besides, he is likely to loose his license for 6 months, so he should just get used to it.
Well, he got a job, and he made $400 in June, and we let him have his car.
Last night we discovered he spent $600 on a new car stereo and $300 on vapor parts and juice. We found out that he withdrew money from a Bit account that he didn't tell us about. The money is gone now. What irked us the most is that he was asking us to pay for two new tires for his car, playing the safety card and stating he couldn't afford them.
He spent three days with us this weekend with this secret. It didn't seem to bother him. Does he really not understand? He's still acting like a 12 year old.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
It seems like there should be consequences for this lying--
I think the stereo at least should be removed until he pays for the DUI costs and other expenses he's cost you.
Or take the car and park it until things are paid for.
As a "poor kid" I often saw this kind of manipulation among my peers
who were supported by their parents.
Money doesn't seem to mean much to them since they've always had it or
been bailed out when they get in trouble.
It is really hard since you want to help them and keep things moving in a positive direction, but at some point maybe he has to get there are limits
that most people must endure no matter what.
For what it's worth, I think you've really been doing a great job drawing some lines and still showing him you love him.
Maybe more lines are needed?
I think the stereo at least should be removed until he pays for the DUI costs and other expenses he's cost you.
Or take the car and park it until things are paid for.
As a "poor kid" I often saw this kind of manipulation among my peers
who were supported by their parents.
Money doesn't seem to mean much to them since they've always had it or
been bailed out when they get in trouble.
It is really hard since you want to help them and keep things moving in a positive direction, but at some point maybe he has to get there are limits
that most people must endure no matter what.
For what it's worth, I think you've really been doing a great job drawing some lines and still showing him you love him.
Maybe more lines are needed?
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