EnglishGarden

A note to Dcakes' post:

Dr. Drew says that methadone maintenance controls the withdrawal and cravings so an addict can get off heroin, but that an addict on methadone isn't able to do the deep spiritual and psychological work necessary to find true recovery and emotional connection. So Dr. Drew advocates being totally clean.

Perhaps your intuition knew all along that there just wasn't a spiritual connection taking place between you and your exabf.

princesssarrah

When I first searched for answers I read ur story and that's why I joined this site lol... as of today how are things... what's neww what has changed?

Pock89

As of today, we are working on things. Taking it one day at a time, moving very slow.
My boyfriend is still living in a sober house and will be there for at least another 3 months. As far as what has changed and what's new, I would say that MY outlook and opinions and approach to dealing with him has changed. I am more concerned about my own recovery, and the happenings going on in my own life, instead of being completed consumed by him and his needs.
For example, a few days ago he was having some issues in the sober house with one of the guys and was contemplating leaving the house. A couple of months ago, I would have become consumed with worry about the "what ifs". What if he comes home? Is he ready? What if he relapses because he came home too early?
I found after staying on this site, and attending naranon meetings, I had a completely different outlook on the situation. My outlook was more along the lines of, well he's not allowed back into our home together if he leaves the house so he'll have to make other arrangements. No worrying about HIS relapse and HIS recovery.
If I could take anything away from his drug abuse the past year, it would be the understanding that I truly cannot control the actions of others. It is ultimately up to the addict to decide what kind of lifestyle they want to lead, whether that be a sober lifestyles, or a drug lifestyle. I can only control what I want in my own life, and how I want my own future to look.
I've come to a complete understanding that I have my own boundaries, which include if he relapses, I'll be gone. I don't have room in my life for drugs, and I want to be with someone who also doesn't have room in their life for drugs. Right now, my boyfriend is doing really well. I'm very proud of all of the progress he's made. As long as he is in active recovery, I'll be willing to stay with him. If he relapses again, it'll be time for me to move on.
Unfortunately when dealing with an addict, you never really know what tomorrow will bring. But you can control what YOUR tomorrow is going to look like.
Today, I am happy with where our relationship is going, and I'm happy with my morals and beliefs that I have discovered the past few months. MY recovery is going well, and that's ultimately the most important.

oooopps

Hello OP and everyone, I am new to posting on a sobriety blog but I am not new to reading posts on various forum sites re heroin use.

Thought I could share my own journey for insights.

I am 27 turning 28 and I dated a hardcore heroin addict for 3 years while I was in law school. I have since graduated from law school and havent had contact with this person for almost 1 year. He recently contacted me and said How much he loves me as a friend, that I'm the best person that he's ever met, that I'm his best friend and that he wants me in his life. He had tried to contact me in the last year a few times but I've ignored it all... this past week when I picked up a random number, it was him wanting to talk.

I met him the first year in my law school when I moved away from home and family. I've never been exposed to drugs, come from a happy and supportive family, and most of my friends back home are the ones that I grew up with and the friends in my circle are just your typical healthy and hard working young people with healthy hobbies. This should tell you I had no idea what drug uses are like nor the effect it had on the people involved with addicts... until I met him.

Before I continue, let me just put this straight and simple. For those of you doubting if you should stay or not because you are hurting too much, RUN AND RUN AND DONT TURN BACK. If you thrive on hurting and suffering, then stay. Nobody can help you get out until you make that decision that enough is enough.

So law school itself is already a gut wrenching process. I dont even know how I graduated considering what I've went through. I fell for this person and got deeply deeply attached to him. When I first met him he had been slowly coming out of a program for addicts and had been clean for some time...

to make the story short: he has relapsed over and over during our 3 years together. He was also in and out of jail and prisons. He is a chronic liar, most likely cheated on me (til this day he wont admit but it doesnt matter to me anymore), stole the checkbooks from his bankrupt parents and wiped their accounts clean, stole from me, PRESSURED me for money and made me feel horrible when I didnt want to lend him any ... not to mention, I've dedicated most of my time to taking care of this person. Driving him to work, picking him up, driving him to detox, finding him doctors, help him look for jobs... Trying to hide my purses, lock my ipod/camera/checkbooks and hiding my other valuable things...

I used to wait hours to see him in jail, while studying my "criminal law" textbook. how ironic... wth was I thinking?

For the longest time I was scared and convinced that I could not be without this person but after I got out (thankfully I graduated and moved away)... life has been peaceful, quiet, and SAFE. The hardest part is leaving but once you leave, you really do start to heal.

I've tried for 3 years trying to "Save" this person until I learned that I cant save anyone and that it's better for me to take care of myself and look into surrounding myself with positive and strong people. Life is short, and I no longer wish to give anymore of my time and energy suffering for someone else's addiction.

I also realized that someone who truly loves and respect themselves will not put up with this kind of shiet for so long. I realized that I had my own issues that I need to deal with which is co-dependecy.

Moreover, back to the phone call. After talking to him for 2 hours where he showered me with praises and old fun memories ... I felt like **** for 3 days and cried on and off. Enough is Enough. I sent him a text and let him know that maybe we could connect one day but right now it's not the time. I'm still trying to pass the California bar exam .. he cost me one exam already because I was in no place to study then and sobbed everyday. He said he has been clean but he still drinks... *BAD SIGN* Drinking leads to coke which leads to heroin... this was always the case with him... it's just a ticking time bomb.

My Best friend just reminded me yesterday that I am on a different path and in a different world than this person and that I can't take everything and everyone with me.

Recovery takes HARD WORK. If the addict is not putting that kind of work in.. any kind of relationship (friendship, etc) is out of the question.

I'm sick of having chest pains... sick of crying... sick of worrying about a person overdosing dying... Did that for 3 years, NO MORE. Enough is Enough!

If an arm is rotting off of you, best to cut it off and hurt then, than let it infect you and kill you altogether.

Pock89

Hello everyone!
I'm back.

So my boyfriend and I got back together after being apart for about a month. Things are really good. He's still living in the sober house, and we're doing couples counseling which starts on July 9. He's been clean for 4 months now.
He told me last night that he has 8 more weeks until he gets out of the sober house. He's been talking about looking for places to live together when he gets out. And to be 100% honest, I don't know if I'm ready for that. Yes, we lived together before he relapsed and before he went into the sober house. And I remember when he first went to live in the house and do his 6 months there, all I wanted was for the 6 months to fly by so we could live together, and "move on with our lives". But now that it's right around the corner, I'm kind of freaking out.
I don't know if living together is the best idea right now. I haven't really voiced my concerns about it to him yet, but I plan to do so when we have our first therapy session in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that if I say it in front of the therapist, she can kind of help me get my point across. It's not that I don't want to be with him, and it's not that I don't want to have a future with him. Because I want all of that. However, I just have a lot of broken trust and I need to time to cope with that. But the thing is, I know that as long as we're together, there's always a chance of relapse. That's just one of the pitfalls of dating someone in recovery. Relapse is always a possibility. So I'm not sure why I think that waiting will be better. I know that he could relapse the day he gets out of the sober house. And I know he could relapse 15 years after getting out of the sober house. I don't know, I'm just really lost....

But aside from the living situation, I'm just feeling uneasy in general about him coming home. I'm absolutely terrified of him relapsing again. And I've been on this site long enough to know that my worry/concern is pretty pointless since I can't control him, and I know this. I know that the only thing I can control is my actions, and my emotions, and how I'm going to deal with the situation. I know that my life and my serenity comes before his. But I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen when he gets out of the house.
I know that if he gets out of the sober house and relapses again, I'll have to say goodbye to him forever. I can't keep doing this.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, very active in AA. So my other concern is, if he relapses or thinks it's okay to just drink and not do drugs (which is what he was doing before), how is that going to effect my own sobriety? My recovery from alcohol is my number one concern and I can't let someone else effect that. He seems to think that everything is going to be great because we'll both be on the same page, and go to meetings, and do the whole sober living thing together. But I can't get the thought of another possible relapse out of my head!

I thought that I'd be so excited for him to get out and come home and we could move on with our lives. But I'm scared and uneasy. I feel like, although it's been hard since he's been away for 6 months, my mind is usually at ease because I know he's not using in the sober house. I know he's doing the right thing as long as he's living in that house. I won't have that ease of mind when he comes out. And I'm afraid that I'm going to be filled with worry like I was when he was first relapsing.

ugh.

EnglishGarden

This crossroads is really about you. If you are going to live with him you will need to examine these things:

Are you able to detach COMPLETELY from his addiction and his addictive behaviors when those occur (dry or not)?

Are you able to give his problems COMPLETELY to him and let them go and concentrate completely on your own right to happiness, growth, friendships, sobriety, and career? Are you able to live your life fully and with confidence that you deserve a good life no matter what he is doing or whether he is in trouble with his addiction or not?

Are you able to maintain your sense of worth no matter how he might try to damage that if he is acting out?

Can you take yourself completely out of the picture when it comes to his addiction, his problems, his hang-ups, his choices, his moods, his failures?

If your answer is yes, then giving it a go is not a major risk to you, even if things go badly and you decide to separate again.

If your answer to any of those questions is no, or don't-know, then you are putting yourself at great risk of once again diving into his disease with him.

So, focus on you, and you will be able to get clarity.

oooopps

heroin is really something else.

my ex was in a sober living house for 2 years... it was one of the best programs in the country. very stringent and operated like a boot camp. They taught disciplines and enforced consequences.

so he was there for 2 years ... came out and relapsed. Went back in for 6 more months... came out and relapsed. went back in for another 4 months... came out and relapsed. Eventually he just went back to prison because the program was done with him. Let me tell you, each time it was a living hell and I didnt even live with him. I knew better than to open myself up to that kind of risks. He did briefly lived with me during a time when he had no place to stay and of course he relapsed while staying with me too. I cant imagine if we were fully living together. What kind of nightmare that would have been.

What's wrong with being together but not live together right away for right now. You have the right to be concerned about sobriety.

Like your ex, my ex also drank alcohol and thought it was ok. All sorts of excuses. Wait and see if I were you.

HopefulGF65

I completely agree with this. My ex was masking his emotional pain with the meds. Sure there was legitimate pain which is the reason he was prescribed vicodin in the first place. But if you don't work on the core issues, there will always be the lure of "something" to numb the emotional pain.

You sound very strong here...keep that strength...you've come so far!

Wow, I just realized this - such different reactions when my ex is actively using and when he's humble and trying to quit. Great great point here!

HopefulGF65

Pock, is there any chance of your bf being able to live on his own or live with a friend/relative? Reading your post, you say yourself how uneasy you are feeling and with good reason. Let me quickly add to first look at my screen name - I was so incredibly hopeful that there could be a happy ending, and I know that in some instances there are, but please be careful. If you are already apprehensive, that is going to overflow into the relationship. Once my ex went through his second detox and wanted to start fresh, here I had everything I wanted (or so I thought anyway) and I was at the point where I didn't trust him, his actions, or what he said, I had things hidden or locked away, and was still playing detective. Is that the kind of life you want? I realized that all of that, not to mention he still had emotional issues that weren't addressed (not saying that's the case with your bf), was not what I wanted from a relationship. I finally realized no matter how much it hurt (and believe me, IT HURTS), I deserved better, deserved to know what it's like to wake in the morning next to someone who appreciated me, loved me, and the possible chaos in our day may be nothing more than a traffic jam or who forgot to pay the utility bill.

I was you, alot of us here were, and I never thought I'd be here, right now, offering the words I am because when I wasn't ready to end the relationship, no one could tell me otherwise.

Just listen to your voice and remember how relaxed you've been...if you want to see if the relationship will work, there are other ways vs. jumping right back in to living together.

No matter what, my heart goes out to you and I wish you well, I really really do.

Pock89

I'm just shocked that I'm feeling like this! I thought at this point, with 8 weeks left until he comes home, I'd be so excited and counting down the days until he came home! And while I am excited for him to be around more often, I'm just so filled with all of these different emotions. I'm excited, nervous, scared, worried, paranoid, the list goes on and on. And I don't think he even realizes that I'm going through all of this. I haven't really spoken to him about all of these emotions but I think he should know how I'm feeling! I think he should know that he's caused a lot of damage and it's not going to be picnics and roses just because he did 6 months in a sober house.
I'm almost frustrated with myself. When all of this first happened with his initial relapse, I was so naive. I thought that he would get clean and we'd be okay and everything would work itself out. I think I've grown up a lot since that happened and I'm just not floating on a cloud anymore....

HopefulGF65

It's a revelation for sure. How can we feel this way (lack of excitement) about the one we fell in love with? Aren't we supposed to be the one who is there for him unconditionally, be the one who would make a difference, and be strong when things go south?

I beat myself up over this many many times.

I also (and admittedly still do) have this incessant need for him to know how his actions affected me, I want him to know how much pain it all caused, I want to see him get down on his knees crying and tell me how sorry he is for all of this.

But all of that is a fantasy.

Then I realized, what's wrong with NOT living a life playing detective, driving to and from work WITHOUT crying, NOT having to worry if you left your checkbook or extra cash lying around, NOT questioning every word that comes out of your partner's mouth and above all else, what is wrong with wanting to be loved for who you are.

I had a dream recently that I took him back and you know what? In the dream, actually felt trapped, like I had made a huge mistake. When I woke and realized it was a dream, I felt relaxed.

You have a right to question if this is the right decision. And whatever you choose, it shouldn't be what you think is right for your bf or out of fear you might anger or hurt him, it has to be what is right and what FEELS right for you. Believe me I know, reminding my ex over and over that this is the weekend he's moving out (so he doesn't think I've softened or changed my mind) is hard. And knowing he will probably lose his car he worked so hard paying off the last two years, well, if right now isn't rock bottom for him, maybe that will be.

Again, be stong....((hugs)) to you

Pock89

Okay I'm here completely freaking out.
Last night, my boyfriend called me and told me that he's getting kicked out of the sober house in the morning because he failed to take a urine test last night. Says he has problems urinating in front of someone else. This has been going on for the entire 4 months he's been living at the house and I guess the man who is in charge of everyone in the house, told him that he'll have to leave. He told my boyfriend that he needs to pack up his things when he leaves for work in the morning.
My boyfriend called his sponsor and his sponsor told him to call out of work and speak to the guy in the morning about it. So he did call out of work. He's talking to the guy at 9:00 this morning.
I'm so full of emotions!!! I'm really nervous about his leaving the house. He says that he can't leave the house yet. I don't know if he thinks that he may pick up and use again if he leaves, and that's why he's nervous to leave...
I can't go through another relapse with him! I've already been through 2 relapses with him, I can't handle another one.
I've made the decision to leave him if he relapses again. I've come to this decision because he's been clean for 4 months, so now if he chooses to use again, it'll be because he wants to. He doesn't have the physical addiction to heroin anymore, he's not going through withdrawals or anything so if he picks up again, it'll be because he wants to.
It's going to have to be me or the drugs. I've been around this forum long enough to hear other people's stories of how their addict chose the drugs over them and their family. I'm just very uneasy.
I'll find out in an hour or so if he gets to stay in the house or not. But even if he does get to stay, he's getting out in 8 weeks...am I really going to feel any more at ease about it in 8 weeks than I do right now? Probably not.

Any comforting words or advice?

Pock89

Oh and I forgot to add that he has been taking drug tests, but he does he at a local hospital. He sometimes will do blood tests instead of urine tests, and has always passed. So I know he's been clean for the 4 months.

Learn2Live

Hog wash.
I would trust the sober house's rules and decision-making process here. They KNOW what they are doing; they do this every single day. If you cannot take another relapse, it is best that you not be emotionally involved with an addict or an alcoholic.

SuzyMarie

IMHO, something is rotten in Denmark. My ex got kicked out of a couple rehabs but it was never his fault. You're gut is telling you what you need to know. Just my 2 cents.

Pock89

I'm not suspicious that he's using right now. But I am concerned that a relapse isn't far away.
He would have to go home to live with his mother if he gets kicked out of the sober house. And I haven't heard from his mother yet (who usually calls if things like this happen), which means that he didn't call her to tell her he got kicked out.
He hasn't called me either. I called and texted but he didn't answer. So now of course my mind is racing that he got kicked out and is now using.

I don't know why I'm so on edge.

Learn2Live

You're so on edge because you are ENMESHED in his addiction, behavior, choices, recovery, relapse, and his life. He is a VERY sick man, Pock89, and sick people will make you sick. No doubt. I know in my heart exactly how your hope has felt. My stomach remembers exactly where you are. Try to take one giant step backward out of the web he has woven. Try to recognize that you are trapped in this web and you NEED to break free in order to SAVE YOURSELF. Try to accept that THE MOST LOVING thing you can do for him is to let him fall, let him fall quickly, and let him fall hard.

Let Me Fall
Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
And dreams must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them

Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise

I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains

Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear

Let me fall
If I fall
There’s no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall

--Josh Groban

Pock89

I feel like I'm sliding right back into my codependent ways that I worked so hard to get out of!!

oooopps

Pock89, my ex (heroin addict) used to pass his urine tests with flying colors. Because he was out on parole he had to do these random urine test for his parole officer. He had to call this number to see if he needs to go in and pee... In fact, I used to drive him to government monitored places.

He always passed .... even when he was using. Somehow he was getting clean pee from somebody and swapping the cup. When things got really bad, that's when I picked up the phone and called his probation officer. I didnt want him to die. He got taken away, got clean, let out, relapsed, and the abuse cycle repeated.

Just wanted to throw this out there. That's how good they become at deceiving people. Even the professionals.

dollydo

If he gets kicked out that is his problem, not yours and I sure as h#ll wouldn't move in together with him under any circumstances. You can still play the codie dance and not live with him.

There is more to this story, pay attention, get your focus where it belongs...on you.