Rock the boat or stay silent?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Thanks for all the replies. I'm sorry it has taken me this long to respond.
I guess I didn't want to come back here and type a reply until I could say "I did it, I left, all is fixed." But unfortunately I didn't do it and nothing is fixed...yet.
I have started working on a plan to become less dependent on him, but haven't had the courage to leave yet. Fortunately I am financially dependent, but we live in a foreign country (we moved for his business which he lost) and I don't have a super good grasp of the language yet, which means I depend on him for a lot of stuff. His drinking has also isolated me from the friends we used to hang out with (I felt embarrassed about his behaviour and started staying in a lot, but now don't have a very large social circle).
He has started drinking again, not to the extent it was before and there haven't been any major drunk episodes, but obviously it is still a problem and will undoubtedly only get worse again as time goes on.
Anyway, I don't even know what I hope to gain from posting here...I'm obviously just delaying the inevitable, which is that we have to break up if he isn't interested in sobriety. Just want to let it out somewhere I suppose.
So frustrated!!
I guess I didn't want to come back here and type a reply until I could say "I did it, I left, all is fixed." But unfortunately I didn't do it and nothing is fixed...yet.
I have started working on a plan to become less dependent on him, but haven't had the courage to leave yet. Fortunately I am financially dependent, but we live in a foreign country (we moved for his business which he lost) and I don't have a super good grasp of the language yet, which means I depend on him for a lot of stuff. His drinking has also isolated me from the friends we used to hang out with (I felt embarrassed about his behaviour and started staying in a lot, but now don't have a very large social circle).
He has started drinking again, not to the extent it was before and there haven't been any major drunk episodes, but obviously it is still a problem and will undoubtedly only get worse again as time goes on.
Anyway, I don't even know what I hope to gain from posting here...I'm obviously just delaying the inevitable, which is that we have to break up if he isn't interested in sobriety. Just want to let it out somewhere I suppose.
So frustrated!!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by honeypig 
1) You're trying to control HIS life if you're telling him he has to stop drinking.
2) You're trying to control YOUR life when you say you don't want to be with someone who drinks.
Choice #1 is impossible to enforce, and truly, we have no right to say what another adult can or cannot do.
Choice #2 you have every right to do, and no one else has the right to stop you. (See #1, "no one else has the right to say what another adult can or cannot do.")
That's how I'd look at it, and I think it's pretty clear when seen this way.
2) You're trying to control YOUR life when you say you don't want to be with someone who drinks.
Choice #1 is impossible to enforce, and truly, we have no right to say what another adult can or cannot do.
Choice #2 you have every right to do, and no one else has the right to stop you. (See #1, "no one else has the right to say what another adult can or cannot do.")
That's how I'd look at it, and I think it's pretty clear when seen this way.
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I'm sorry to hear that. I too sometimes go into "hiding" from here when I don't have good news to share that I've left him. I realize when I post I am not always looking for advice since, let's be honest, we all know what to do! we just don't always want to nor are ready. Sometimes though it's just good to write even if to say 'hey I'm still dealing with this. I know the answer but this is where I am today."
One thing I noticed with my Abf is that he struggles with not being normal. When we are out and ppl are drinking and laughing or enjoying a cold beer in the hot sun, he always seems wistful. I don't think he can admit that he can never drink again. Now I have read articles about moderate drinking being what some choose to do and have done ok (or Sinclair Method, or something in that way), but for chemically dependent cases or full blown addicts, I believe the only effective method is full sobriety. I think AA refers to it as an allergy so sometimes for the BF I think it's easier to think of it as just that. if you loved strawberries but found out you were allergic and could die from them, you probably want to resolve to the fact that you can never eat strawberries if you want to live. Tough pill to swallow if you're a strawbermaniac
But life is probably better that the fruit!
He won't quit until he is good and ready. And he may never be. But like most of the replies say, it's time to look at what you want since that's the only thing you can control. Also, keep in mind that if he is drinking moderate now and nothing major has happened.....it's on its way. My BF use to try the 'moderate drinking' and it worked for a few weeks and he'd brag and be cocky about it like "see, just a little beer with dinner! I don't like want more or want some when I wake up so see I can control it!"...but it always, ALWAYS, was followed by a full blown relapse. The little drinks here and there was just fueling the inevitable fire. And boy when that fire hit.....the whole house burned down
One thing I noticed with my Abf is that he struggles with not being normal. When we are out and ppl are drinking and laughing or enjoying a cold beer in the hot sun, he always seems wistful. I don't think he can admit that he can never drink again. Now I have read articles about moderate drinking being what some choose to do and have done ok (or Sinclair Method, or something in that way), but for chemically dependent cases or full blown addicts, I believe the only effective method is full sobriety. I think AA refers to it as an allergy so sometimes for the BF I think it's easier to think of it as just that. if you loved strawberries but found out you were allergic and could die from them, you probably want to resolve to the fact that you can never eat strawberries if you want to live. Tough pill to swallow if you're a strawbermaniac
But life is probably better that the fruit!He won't quit until he is good and ready. And he may never be. But like most of the replies say, it's time to look at what you want since that's the only thing you can control. Also, keep in mind that if he is drinking moderate now and nothing major has happened.....it's on its way. My BF use to try the 'moderate drinking' and it worked for a few weeks and he'd brag and be cocky about it like "see, just a little beer with dinner! I don't like want more or want some when I wake up so see I can control it!"...but it always, ALWAYS, was followed by a full blown relapse. The little drinks here and there was just fueling the inevitable fire. And boy when that fire hit.....the whole house burned down
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Thanks so much for that thoughtful response.
It's true. I know what I need to do, I just don't want to do it.
I guess a small part of me is still hoping something will change and give me a reason to stay. But then I guess he knows what to do as well, but doesn't want to do it . So we're just two stubborn idiots.
I just researched the Sinclair Method as I had never heard of it. But it sounds so good. Too good to be true? Sounds like magic. Might be worth a try.
Are you still together with your boyfriend? If so, what stage are you at? Is he trying to quit?
I guess for now, I just need to stop focussing on what he is doing and start paying attention to my own crazy behaviour until I'm ready to move on.
I started a journal today, to try to recognise codependent patterns and document my many emotions.
It's true. I know what I need to do, I just don't want to do it.
I guess a small part of me is still hoping something will change and give me a reason to stay. But then I guess he knows what to do as well, but doesn't want to do it . So we're just two stubborn idiots.
I just researched the Sinclair Method as I had never heard of it. But it sounds so good. Too good to be true? Sounds like magic. Might be worth a try.
Are you still together with your boyfriend? If so, what stage are you at? Is he trying to quit?
I guess for now, I just need to stop focussing on what he is doing and start paying attention to my own crazy behaviour until I'm ready to move on.
I started a journal today, to try to recognise codependent patterns and document my many emotions.
Originally Posted by Smarie78
I'm sorry to hear that. I too sometimes go into "hiding" from here when I don't have good news to share that I've left him. I realize when I post I am not always looking for advice since, let's be honest, we all know what to do! we just don't always want to nor are ready. Sometimes though it's just good to write even if to say 'hey I'm still dealing with this. I know the answer but this is where I am today."
One thing I noticed with my Abf is that he struggles with not being normal. When we are out and ppl are drinking and laughing or enjoying a cold beer in the hot sun, he always seems wistful. I don't think he can admit that he can never drink again. Now I have read articles about moderate drinking being what some choose to do and have done ok (or Sinclair Method, or something in that way), but for chemically dependent cases or full blown addicts, I believe the only effective method is full sobriety. I think AA refers to it as an allergy so sometimes for the BF I think it's easier to think of it as just that. if you loved strawberries but found out you were allergic and could die from them, you probably want to resolve to the fact that you can never eat strawberries if you want to live. Tough pill to swallow if you're a strawbermaniac But life is probably better that the fruit!
He won't quit until he is good and ready. And he may never be. But like most of the replies say, it's time to look at what you want since that's the only thing you can control. Also, keep in mind that if he is drinking moderate now and nothing major has happened.....it's on its way. My BF use to try the 'moderate drinking' and it worked for a few weeks and he'd brag and be cocky about it like "see, just a little beer with dinner! I don't like want more or want some when I wake up so see I can control it!"...but it always, ALWAYS, was followed by a full blown relapse. The little drinks here and there was just fueling the inevitable fire. And boy when that fire hit.....the whole house burned down
One thing I noticed with my Abf is that he struggles with not being normal. When we are out and ppl are drinking and laughing or enjoying a cold beer in the hot sun, he always seems wistful. I don't think he can admit that he can never drink again. Now I have read articles about moderate drinking being what some choose to do and have done ok (or Sinclair Method, or something in that way), but for chemically dependent cases or full blown addicts, I believe the only effective method is full sobriety. I think AA refers to it as an allergy so sometimes for the BF I think it's easier to think of it as just that. if you loved strawberries but found out you were allergic and could die from them, you probably want to resolve to the fact that you can never eat strawberries if you want to live. Tough pill to swallow if you're a strawbermaniac
But life is probably better that the fruit!He won't quit until he is good and ready. And he may never be. But like most of the replies say, it's time to look at what you want since that's the only thing you can control. Also, keep in mind that if he is drinking moderate now and nothing major has happened.....it's on its way. My BF use to try the 'moderate drinking' and it worked for a few weeks and he'd brag and be cocky about it like "see, just a little beer with dinner! I don't like want more or want some when I wake up so see I can control it!"...but it always, ALWAYS, was followed by a full blown relapse. The little drinks here and there was just fueling the inevitable fire. And boy when that fire hit.....the whole house burned down
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I heard a LOT about the "Sinclair Method" when I was trying to moderate my drinking. I don't know anyone who has successfully quit drinking that way. Not to say there aren't any, I just never met anyone who did.
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Agree with Lexie - - I have not heard of much success with this and I think you hit the nail on the head TheHopeful in that it sounds too good to be true. There are some studies out there that it can work. But there is a big "BUT" attached to it in that there are a host of other factors that need to be aligned in order for this to even potentially be successful. I believe alcoholism exists on a spectrum and for those who will be the most successful with it, they typically fall on the lower end and are not alcohol dependent. I wouldn't really look at this as the magic pill because if it were, you wouldn't have millions of addicts in and out of rehab and AA.
What I would instead focus on, is what you want. His drinking is impacting your life, it doesn't really matter where he is on the addiction scale or if he can try Sinclair or AA or therapy or something else. First, he would need to want to get help for really anything to have a chance at working. If he doesn't want to and drinks without any signs of quitting, there is nothing you can do but leave and have the life you imagine. Or of course stay and donate your life to him.
To answer your question I am still with my boyfriend and things have not improved in the two years of promises that they would (it's a vicious cycle that I allow to keep going because like you, I know what I should do I just don't want to). He is a binge drinker and is on the severe end of addiction. it's true what they say in that the disease is progressive and likely to get worse without recovery efforts. He doesn't drink every day and always swears he learned his lesson and back on the wagon after the last round, but every month or two I can count on a full blown relapse. Sounds fun, huh? Good luck and keep posting!
What I would instead focus on, is what you want. His drinking is impacting your life, it doesn't really matter where he is on the addiction scale or if he can try Sinclair or AA or therapy or something else. First, he would need to want to get help for really anything to have a chance at working. If he doesn't want to and drinks without any signs of quitting, there is nothing you can do but leave and have the life you imagine. Or of course stay and donate your life to him.
To answer your question I am still with my boyfriend and things have not improved in the two years of promises that they would (it's a vicious cycle that I allow to keep going because like you, I know what I should do I just don't want to). He is a binge drinker and is on the severe end of addiction. it's true what they say in that the disease is progressive and likely to get worse without recovery efforts. He doesn't drink every day and always swears he learned his lesson and back on the wagon after the last round, but every month or two I can count on a full blown relapse. Sounds fun, huh? Good luck and keep posting!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
To answer your question I am still with my boyfriend and things have not improved in the two years of promises that they would (it's a vicious cycle that I allow to keep going because like you, I know what I should do I just don't want to). He is a binge drinker and is on the severe end of addiction. it's true what they say in that the disease is progressive and likely to get worse without recovery efforts. He doesn't drink every day and always swears he learned his lesson and back on the wagon after the last round, but every month or two I can count on a full blown relapse. Sounds fun, huh? Good luck and keep posting!
The inevitable blow up finally happened.
He was riding his bike and had a glass bottle in his pocket. He fell and the bottle smashed and cut into his leg. One trip to the emergency room and 15 stitches later the verdict was that it's my fault because if I wasn't "so weird" about his drinking, he wouldn't have had to put the bottle in his pocket.
I was so angry I gave an ultimatum, although now I feel bad about doing that because I've read ultimatums aren't good unless you're ready to follow through with them. Anyway, so I'm now trying to make a plan for leaving or at least taking a break if (and let's be honest it's more of a when) things go south again. Wish me luck!
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Originally Posted by TheHopeful
He was riding his bike and had a glass bottle in his pocket. He fell and the bottle smashed and cut into his leg. One trip to the emergency room and 15 stitches later the verdict was that it's my fault because if I wasn't "so weird" about his drinking, he wouldn't have had to put the bottle in his pocket.
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