lizatola

This is a great thread and I wanted to answer the OP's original question:

NO, I do not regret leaving. Having said that, it took me three years of working an Al Anon program, 4 years of bi weekly therapy, and a whole lot of craziness to get me to leave. I waffled. But, my XAH wasn't physically abusive and wasn't a daily drinker. He was, however, mentally unstable and I walked on eggshells nearly every day of my life for 20 years. I don't wish that on anyone.

I remember a friend saying to me, after I lamented my own unwillingness to actually make that change, "Liz, when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving.....then is when you will have perfect peace and will choose what is best for you."

Hugs to you and just agreeing with everyone here. I had to get my head out of the sand, take off my 'I'm special' label that I wore like a badge with pride because I knew I could enable him just enough to fix us. I knew we could beat the odds because I was going to force that solution to happen come hell or high water. I had to face reality and eventually I let go of him and then soon enough I let go of the marriage.
I had to let go of the dream that he was trying to convince me of: the, "We're going to beat the odds, we don't believe in divorce, we'll figure it out because you'll help me get better, you'll tolerate my bad behavior because you're my WIFE, etc etc.......blah blah blah......"

We've been apart now for 2 years and, to this day, he still doesn't understand why I left and he blames me for his miserable life. That's his choice. I chose to get better, he chose to stay bitter. The best and worst thing about being human is that we can make choices and that we accept the consequences of those choices and take responsibility for them. You can either accept your own humanness and adjust and grow or you can wallow in self pity and martyrdom and blame the world for your plight. You can guess which way my XAH chose but I finally let go and let him decide how he wanted to live his life.

lizatola

I was sitting here shaking my head up and down and saying, "Yes,please and I'll take a cup of victimhood with that, as well. How about a side of self loathing while I'm at it?"

I had all of that and more and I was just as good a victim of my circumstances as my XAH was. I just didn't see it until I was ready to see it and then I had to realize that I take ME with ME wherever I go once I finally left. I truly feel that I needed recovery more after I left than when I was in the mess. Because at least I was able to point the finger at him and say, "See...he caused all this." Once I was out, there was no 'he' to point at. There was just me.

qtpi

My STBXAH accused me of being a victim and a martyr. I do not see myself that way. It is true I asked him to stop drinking and pointed out to him he was disagreeable when he drank. It is true he was abusive and my feelings were hurt. It is true that I learned how to ignore his behavior and not give it so much weight. But I carefully weighed everything and I made a decision to stay... and ultimately to leave. At this point my life is happy and free of drama. It is so much easier to see which people I can depend on.

Carol Star

My friend told me- "You are not a victim- you are a volunteer!"

olow

Yes, we are volunteers.

Carol Star

" like surgery with a hacksaw".........

SoloMio

I loved your whole post, ladyscribbler, but I particularly related to what you say here: When my mother kicked my father out and ended the alcoholic chaos of my childhood (I was 12 at the time), she remarried. I've always said that the thing I loved most about my stepfather was that he got up every day and went to work in the morning and came home at the same time every night.

I also related to the "crumbs" comment, because I remember the one time my mother lashed out at me in frustration over my dating my then- ABF, telling me "Damn it, you are settling for crumbs when you deserve the whole cake!!" And yet I continued to settle for those crumbs.

To coin a word that spawned some great posts here, "normies" probably never have the experience of feeling pure joy at simple things like a predictable routine and civil behavior.

Thanks for this thread.

DesertEyes

This is a fantastic thread, do you all think I should make it a "sticky"?

Mike

FireSprite

I thought you already did?

LexieCat

Do you ever doubt whether you already did something and try to do it again?

Every. Freakin'. Day.

FireSprite

Of course, all the time.... hence the smiley/winky face. Just trying to keep him from wasting the time doing something he already did.

AnvilheadII

i think i've done stuff but find out later it was only in my mind...........

LexieCat

Oh, yeah, that's the other thing. I had one of those recently when I was sure I had canceled an international phone plan after my trip to South Africa fell through. It showed up on my bill, and looking through my emails it became clear I had never done it, though I was so sure I had. Fortunately AT&T determined I hadn't used it and gave me a full refund (even though website sounded like they wouldn't).

AnvilheadII

it's like getting the random "Garbage Service Cut Off" notice in the mail. and you're like WHAT? i totally paid that.............

or..........................maybe not.

biminiblue

I've done a lot of stuff that I'd like to forget.


....and now we've veered OT.

GreenEyes02

Yes this! I am very lucky in that I grew up with non-alcoholic parents. I could always count on my dad to go to work at the same time and come home. And for Mom to do the same once she re-entered the work force. I like routine. I like predictability. Sure I like fun surprises and some spontaneity. But my day to day life needs to be built on routine, predictability and reliability.

One thing xABF did that drove me crazy (and I quickly realized probably meant he was drinking) was that he would just decide not to go to work. Not because he had a cold or flu, but just because he was "tired". Mmmhmm. It's one thing (and very legitimate) to take time off for mental health reasons (heck I did that on Monday afternoon - I left early because I just wasn't able to handle work that day). But he would just say "I need to re-charge" or "I need to rest". Which was code for "I need to drink."

Add to the fact that he stays at an office which is highly dysfunctional and abusive - and a place that does not expect much of him (his IQ is 139 but he doesn't use it in his work and everyone there seems to think he is unintelligent). I think he stays there because the office doesn't seem to care if their employees drink at work (he has seen people do this), show up at hung over at noon, randomly don't show up, and exchange money for drugs AT WORK! (He once saw his boss buy ecstacy in the office). Holy good God that would never fly in my office. He stays I think because he doesn't have to challenge himself to be better there.

Ack it is so frustrating - I hope he is someday able to see how valuable he is and use his gifts rather than hiding himself from the world.

But going over these annoyances I had once again, helpfully, reinforces for me that I soooo did the right thing!!! Even this morning I was feeling sad and wistful. Always good to head onto this board and remember that it was the right choice.

Edit to Add: I made an appointment with my therapist to have a "debrief" about this break up. I think that will help and I can hopefully see the signs of addiction next time.

DoubleDragons

To give another perspective, I decided to go no contact with my alcoholic mother and extremely enabling father about 9 months ago. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. I always thought that I was one of the "special" cases. I thought that because it was my parent who was an alcoholic, I HAD to remain in the relationship. After all, you can't get another mother and father. I didn't go NC earlier because I was scared. I thought I would be racked with guilt and self-loathing. I thought because they are my parents and I don't live with them that I could create boundaries that would work. I thought wrong. When I first went NC this spring, I told myself that I was giving myself "the summer off" from them. I expected to be obsessed with thoughts of shame, guilt and worry, but honestly, the biggest feeling was an overwhelming relief and relaxation that I had not felt in years. When summer was over, and they showed no signs of regret or change in their actions (all we got were a few mean texts and drunken voicemail tirades about how bad we (me and my family) were), I knew that NC was the best choice for me and now I see it as an indefinite choice.

If you are even considering going NC from the alcoholic in your life, my advice is to give it an honest try. Anyway, most alcoholics will gladly take you back into their lives, especially if you are willing to go back to your doormat ways. To give an example, when I quit drinking, I wasn't quite sure if I actually was an alcoholic, I just knew I didn't want to become like my mother. So, I was waffling on whether to quit drinking or not and someone from the other side of SR said to me, "You have give all of those years to drinking, why not give a few months of not drinking a try to be able to honestly compare?" That made so much sense to me. I haven't had a drink in over three years and I love my non-drinking life! But in the beginning, I had to take it ODAT (one day at a time). That was the same as going NC with my parents, giving myself various deadlines and ODAT to do an honest comparison. I feel so free and healthy and mentally strong and worthy that I don't honestly know what could make me stop the NC, short of my parents' admitting that they need help and taking the steps to change. In short, don't have preconceived notions of what is going to happen if you leave your alcoholic. I was pleasantly surprised on almost all accounts of how much better life is without an alcoholic as a major player in my life.

DesertEyes

Oh good heavens!! Yes I did. ... and everybody's posting about forgeting stuff they had already done... < heavy sigh >

Gimme a few minutes and I'll see if I can come up with a good excuse

Mike

AnvilheadII

Gimme a few minutes and I'll see if I can come up with a good excuse

As i said to my eye doctor the other day when she was about to explain why i now have eye floaters - If you use the word AGE as a cause, i will punch you in the face!!!

SadInTX

OMG! This was me! Still is me in a way....I thought I was special...my marriage was special..No one could understand us...blah blah...
I still get blamed for the ending of our marriage. He makes comments "if you hadn't left me that night...we wouldn't be in this situation (money issues mainly)".. He never admits that I left that night because I was fed up with the abusive behavior...him being drunk...lack of sleep...constantly walking on eggshells trying not to set him off..it was exhausting... I still have some guilty thoughts about the ending of the marriage...I didn't go into the marriage thinking I would divorce...like most of us..