Priya5

Okay, I see what you are saying.

dandylion

Pyria......It is a lot to absorb all of this at once! This is what I would suggest......
set aside a reasonable amount of time, each day for your reading and learning activities.
Also, give attention to your own self care. Eating properly, exercise, and doing some things that YOU enjoy---whatever that might be....Keeping contacts with friends and keep up some social life for yourself....
this is what we call "self care". And, it is vital. Stress and chronic worry can be disasterous for a person's mental and physical health.

In other words....pace yourself.

dandylion

Liveitwell

The most important thing you can do is learn...learn what you can do for yourself if you stay and understand what you are choosing to stay with, or you can learn how to leave-either way, it's YOU! Nowhere did I say anything about him...your choices, your life....his choices, his life.
To answer your question from earlier, I had to leave my ex for my sanity and safety of myself and my children. I could not and more importantly would not take anymore. There was no next time for me.

Thlayli

My situation isn't the same as yours but this is part of what I struggle with too and why I'm back here after about a 2 year hiatus. I think this may be my third time back here now.

My qualifier binges every couple of years and it lasts on-and-off for a few weeks. So far I've stayed - partly b/c of what you're saying. I'm starting to see it wearing more heavily on my future though and wondering do I WANT to live knowing that I can only feel safe for 18 - 24 months at a time? In my head, stability is important to me.

Priya5

Sorry to read that Thlayli. When you say that you can only feel safe for 18 - 24 months, do you mean that you are under threat when he is drinking?

Mine contacted his doctor this morning and was prescribed Acamprosate (brand name Campral in the UK, will probably different in US). I wasn't aware that there were medications to help with alcoholism other than Disulfiram (Antabuse). Apparently, there are several now! He started taking it today and it does seem to have very good reviews.

Here are the reviews on one site. Acamprosate User Reviews for Alcohol Dependence at Drugs.com

LexieCat

I've heard mixed reviews of the medications that claim to reduce the urge to drink.

Even when they work, though, they are not a long-term solution, but rather something to help in the very beginning before other tools are available. I hope it works for him, but I also sincerely hope he isn't counting on it to keep him sober.

dandylion

Pryia.....I hope that he finds this helpful for him!
Of course, all of the medications given to help with addiction/alcoholism work much, much, better when the person is working some kind of sobriety program.

I have n ever heard o f any such drug that is meant to be used alone---without any kind of supportive counseling/program......

Alcoholism is a disease of the "thinking"....as well as the physical aspects.
The steps of AA are designed to help change the thinking...which leads to change in attitude and feelings...which lead to the behavioral changes (actions).
It is truly an inside job...lol.....
Putting down the bottle is an important first step, of course! It is the FIRST step...sobriety. Genuine recovery involves the other things.....

I wish him and you the best.....

dandylion

Priya5

Thank you Lexiecat and Dandylion. He discussed the various counselling options with his doctor and decided on AA.

LexieCat

Just a heads-up, he may get some negative feedback from people in AA about the meds. That's strictly a matter between him and his doctor, and people in AA are NOT qualified to give medical advice. He might do well not to mention the meds, at least not to anyone but a sponsor. Otherwise he might get a lot of negative comments.

Priya5

Thanks for mentioning that Lexie. I'll tell him. They do have a reputation for being very inflexible, yet everyone is an individual.

LexieCat

Just to be absolutely clear, AA takes NO position on medication. In fact, there's an AA pamphlet that stresses the fact that medications are a matter between the alcoholic and his/her doctor (though it's important that the doctor be someone who understands alcoholism). But there are INDIVIDUALS in AA (just like there are always certain people in any group) who, yes, take a hard line and are inflexible. Once you've been sober in AA for a while you learn to distinguish the people who know what they're talking about. I just didn't want him to get turned off immediately over something that really has nothing to do with AA.

Thlayli

Not physically. I mean more emotional/financial stability. I am the rock in our marriage and it's wearing on me. I can't lean on him when I'm stressed b/c I'm told to suck it up yet when he gets stressed it's legit to quit a job and I don't earn enough to support us both.

Priya5

That sounds rough. So he isn't kind and considerate to you even when not drinking? That's not good.

Thlayli

Actually he's fabulous until he's building up to the drinking/using. That's what makes it difficult to leave. I love the way our family works during the other year-and-a-half/two years that he's clean.
The problems usually manifest as job dissatisfaction, moves to how much he needs to quit for his mental health and then devolves into drinking/smoking pot.

Bekindalways

I like this question Priya.

Honestly, I would have stayed if there had been an iota of hope (yep hope can be a bad word in these parts). He actually wasn't that bad when I left.

We had been together on and off for 5 years and I witnessed a cold hard trajectory of dysfunction and denial; I couldn't see him treating his painful reality with anything other than drug addiction. Actually the drugs weren't why I left; it was the arrogance from him that said, "I'm just stopping. I'm doing it on my own.". I knew this was a bad promise and also knew that sadly it was the absolute best he could do.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd wait and see as he is seeking help but everyone is different. I got out of the situation before it got very bad (And it did get VERY bad) so I haven't experienced the nightmare that many have.

Prayers for you Priya.

Priya5

I feel for you. Most former partners of addicts who have really been through the mill, understandably want to spare others and their first line advice tends to be to leave. When I told both of my adult daughters about the problem (seperately) some years ago, I expected them to think I would be better off without my alcoholic, to tell me to end it etc. I told them in detail what it's like when he is drinking, so they had the full picture. Both of them (again separately) said they were really sad to hear that and expressed sympathy and compassion for him. When I was calling off the wedding, talking about him lying to me and the need for trust, my youngest pointed out that he has only ever lied to me about booze, never about anything else. She said that we all have weaknesses and flaws and that, other than this (he is never violent or aggressive, never disapears off drinking, doesn't take my money or break-up my house etc), he is a 'lovely guy', her words, and that we are so obviously happy together the great majority of the time. I love my husband and I can tell by his acts every day that he loves me. Alcoholism is awful, but I think whether you leave or stay is a very individual decision. I would advise anyone in an abusive relationship to leave, whether or not it was 'only' abusive when the partner was using their substance, but if there is never abuse, and it is a mostly happy relationship, then I think we need to decide our own limits and where our line will be drawn. In my case, I have been clear with my AH since we got married that if we go back to a stage we were at a couple of years into the relationship, where he got very drunk, vomited over the house, and caused problems in things I was doing (e.g. being pissed as a rat when we were due to go to the airport for a weekend away, or driving under the influence), then he would have to move out and live alone. If it came to that, I have no doubt that I would do it, but I don't believe that I would stop loving him, or that I would divorce him. I just couldn't be there to watch the deterioration each day.

I know a woman who divorced her alcoholic husband. He was violent to her when he was drunk and spent all the household money on booze when on a binge. Despite this, 10-years later, she still sat by his bedside whilst he died of (I think) Pancreatitis because she loved the man he was without the booze.

I guess I'm saying, you need to decide honestly (not when you are angry and upset) what your boundary is, what line he would cross that would have you instigate change. You also need to know what that change would be, what it would look like. A wonderful Psychologist called George Kelly once wrote that "a person cannot change until they know where they are changing too". You have to be able to really see yourself in that changed role.

I don't know if anything I've said chimes at all, but I wish you the best.