ArmyOfOne

I was thinking the same thing. I guess I didn't ask the question right or didn't provide a lot of backgroud. Initially when I found out about her abusing all I did was rub her face into the fact that she is an addict. Showed her books, threw literature at her, shammed her, threatened her, tried to control her. In hopes of getting her to admit that she is an addict so she can do something about it.

I am not that person any more, and also I know the word 'addict' brings out the worse in her. As soon as she hears that word come out of my mouth, she immediately puts up her guard as it triggers all those past emotions.

ArmyOfOne

I am actually not protecting her. I am protecting my 'serenity'.

I guess I was thinking out loud. Or wanted some sort of validation, that I was doing the right thing. Truth is I don't know for sure either. There are times I am certain she is and then there are times when I am certain she isn't. But the reality is I am not a professional and I shouldn't be diagnosing people.

But didin't know how to answer that question if I get asked.

Florence

Giving your opinion based on lived experience doesn't mean you're trying to be a doctor, handing out irresponsible diagnoses. She doesn't seem to be too worried about her addiction in any meaningful way at this point. You are allowed to disagree with her, especially as that means formulating language to describe how her erratic behavior affects your family.

My mom has never been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but when I read about it, it describes her, it describes my experiences with her, and helps me understand how to interact with her. Saying this doesn't mean I'm being a jerk or that I'm "diagnosing" anyone. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, I'm pretty safe treating it like a duck.

Understanding your wife as an addict because of her addictive behavior helps you understand how to live in your marriage with someone who has addictive behavior. Fretting over the word "addict" is putting too much weight on the wrong thing. If asked, I'd share.

Someone asked this in the past and I remember my favorite SR response was, "Normal people don't join online bulletin boards about their spouse's drug and alcohol use."

ArmyOfOne

Well said.

ArmyOfOne

Funny you say that; I have read couple of books about Nasrcissism and it has given me a better understanding on how to deal with my wife and it also opened my eyes to the dynamics of my wife and mother in law's relationship.

But in all honesty I have in the past, too many times 'volunteered' my opinion (more like attacked her). So I can see how it would cause problems.

Florence

Yeah, I hear you. I had an email exchange with my XAH this week where he said something inflammatory about our daughter, I asked for clarification and he backed away from his statement and then wouldn't respond at all. Then I came back at him with the heat of a thousand suns because I felt like he was just screwing with me. I probably shouldn't have brought up some things I did, but also, I wanted to make clear where we all stood in my mind, and I said not a single thing I thought was untrue or mean, so. I drew a line in the sand.

Consider your motivations. But also remember that while you're responsible for your feelings and reactions, she's responsible for hers.

ArmyOfOne

Hi guys,

Last night I had an epiphany; I suspect my wife has 'Borderline Personality Disorder'.

I have purchased the book 'walking on eggshells' in hopes of getting some insight into how to better deal with day to day issues.

SadInTX

ArmyOfOne: My ex was diagnosed with BPD and I also read that book...it was a life saver for me.

ArmyOfOne

How long did it take you to understand it all? I don't know what to feel right now. On one hand, I am relieved that there is something that can be done and there are strategies out there. On the other hand I am scared that this might not have a happy ending.

Hawkeye13

With BPD and alcohol addiction, very likely not without at the very least a long hard road.

I'm glad you are getting information and I wish you the best

ArmyOfOne

Like I said its a bitter sweet realization.

I have been reading books, forums for years and although there were similarities here and there, nothing fit. I kept coming back to BPD but would dismiss it based on one point. The BPD literature almost always emphasised 'suicidal' tendancies (which she doesn't have).

Until couple of days ago when I read 'suicidal and/or self mutalation'. And bingo! That was the missing puzzle, she picks her skin to where it starts bleeding. And has been doing it for as long as I have known her. And the intensity of picking is propotional to her anxiety level.

I honestly feel like this has helped my resentments a little and I hope will continue to help in the future. Knowing she has been in pain for decades made me feel less angry and more compassionate. I guess that is what they call it shift in 'paradigm'.

I know this is not the solution not the end. But I do feel hopeful.

redatlanta

First of all you would really need a diagnoses from a psychologist or psychiatrist. Often mental disorder signs and symptoms overlap.

I'll be straight up - if she is you are in for a long haul. Its one of the hardest personality disorders to treat and it has a low response rate to non-response rate with standard therapy. DBT is what works if they are willing to do it - it takes about 2 years to be successful.

You can look at the posts of Hammer and Jarp - both have spouses with Borderline.

ArmyOfOne

Yes you are right and I am niether one of those. And I also don't have a formal diagnoses. I guess as long as I am not saying anything to her about what I think or suspect, I don't think I am doing any harm. Plus if the tecniques outlined in the book help, even if she doesn't have BPD, then that would mean I am better off from where I was before.

Thank you for the info. I have been reading 'Hammer's' posts. They have been enligtning as well as scary. I have been with her for over 8 years and in the process have learned alot about my self and have grown. And for that I am thankful.

ArmyOfOne

Hey guys its been a while since I posted an update. I feel exhausted the arguments are becoming more frequent. And it feels like everytime I turn around I have done something wrong. Actually, I don't mind being told what I did wrong, I welcome feedback so I can make changes. But its like I am shooting a moving target. The definition of what is right, keeps changing. And the 'outbursts' getting very toxic. She gets really mean and verbally abusive.

I think I need some time away from her.

ladyscribbler

Be careful of getting stuck in the cycle of trying to fix your "flaws" to placate a mentally ill alcoholic. The alcoholics in my life were masters at pointing out everything others were supposedly doing wrong in order to avoid having to take an honest look at themselves.
I'm all for self improvement, but an Alanon fourth step inventory was a much better place for me to work on my character defects than listening to an alcoholic nitpick and criticize me because I got an A minus instead of an A or tell me that they got drunk because they were upset that I bought the wrong kind of salad dressing. That's a recipe for crazy making, not real self improvement.

redatlanta

Uh.....you can't change enough to make this person happy. And why the hell would you want to? That's a full time job that never ends trying to live a life pleasing someone else, you will lose your identity in the process.

Good grief you have spent so much time and energy trying to manage and control this situation for the sake of remaining married. I guess the technique outlined in the book didn't offer much help. You see stuff like that only works with both parties on board trying to improve the situation. I'd compare it to trying to dig a ditch while someone was filling it with dirt at the same time.

Why not switch the focus to yourself and what you want out of life. Time away would be good your anxiety level must be high if you live waiting to find out what else you have done wrong.

((((((hugs))))))

ArmyOfOne

That sounds very fimiliar. I don't know how I ended up here. Under the guise of self improvement I keep 'saying' sorry and agreeing with her about everything she points out. And lately its been every day. There is something wrong with anything and everything I am associated with except her.

And what has started getting to me is that, she is so nice and friendly to all of her friends - basically anyone that is not me. And it makes me sad, angry, upset, frustrated. No matter how hard I try she finds a way to make me feel like crap!

CodeJob

This article may well summarize your experiences of late, Army of One. Which makes your avatar name quite apt.

LOVING A BORDERLINE - Inside the BPD Odyssey

ladyscribbler

Abusers are really skilled at putting on a facade for the outside world. It's not a reflection of your comparative worth as a human being, it is a symptom of her disease(s).
Understanding how you got here is going to be a process. For me, I couldn't really begin healing until I was away from the everyday chaos of alcoholism and abuse. That was when I had time and energy to attend Alanon meetings, read self help literature and go to therapy to unravel the mental and emotional knots that were keeping me tied to abusive people and relationships.

ArmyOfOne

I know everything 'theoretically'; I have been reading and attending meetings for three years. But its this roller coaster ride that I can't figure out.

When I get strong and start focusing on myself, she gets better and we have some beautiful times together. And unconciously I let my guard down and then back to square one. Then I have to pull myself out of that hole all over again. I am mentally and physically exhausted.

I know everyone thinks that their situation is some how 'unique' and no one gets it. But in my case the substance abuse and alcohol abuse is not constant. She can and has gone years without abusing anything, giving me the illusion that maybe I did make a mountain out of a mole and there is nothing wrong with her. And then one day out of now where when I least expect it, bam!