This is NOT living
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Army of one,
When people start dating, they want the other person to like them, especially if they like you. I know I would do things that he liked, even though I never did them before. Like go to a baseball game , go rafting, camping. I wanted to like the things he liked. I actually did like doing those things, after I did them. Perhaps there were other things that I wanted to do, but I didn't force them on him. If he didn't want to do the things that I liked, I was fine doing them without him.
Again, take what you need, leave the rest.
I am sensing a lot of resentment. I wonder if your wife is also sensing this whether you tell her or not. In a way it can make a person feel not "good enough". Feeling that there are all these expectations, and you just can't do it. I don't know you or your wife. I'm only writing down my feelings.
I would never want to feel like I am being "settled for" because of the children. That I am a disappointment. Resentment can be felt, it doesn't have to be stated.
I remember many times trying to tell my ex how I felt, what I liked, what I didn't like, my opinion, my view on something, and it was taken the wrong way. Like I was telling him he was a bad person. I then started to not say anything at all. I became afraid to.
Many people stop drinking without going to AA. You stated that you don't think she is sneaking it. She works, and is a good mother. To me, that seems like she is trying to keep her side of the street clean. She expressed guilt over the years that she did drink.
I do agree that MC might help. I do think a lot has to do with communication problems. I do think you need to let go of the resentment, and either learn to love the person she is now, or perhaps divorce, and learn how to co-parent.
I think it is terrific that you are looking at your own part in this.
Oh, I also hate that saying, It takes two to Tango. It takes two to make a marriage work, it takes one to make a marriage fail.
Best Wishes, and thank you for sharing here.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
When people start dating, they want the other person to like them, especially if they like you. I know I would do things that he liked, even though I never did them before. Like go to a baseball game , go rafting, camping. I wanted to like the things he liked. I actually did like doing those things, after I did them. Perhaps there were other things that I wanted to do, but I didn't force them on him. If he didn't want to do the things that I liked, I was fine doing them without him.
Again, take what you need, leave the rest.
I am sensing a lot of resentment. I wonder if your wife is also sensing this whether you tell her or not. In a way it can make a person feel not "good enough". Feeling that there are all these expectations, and you just can't do it. I don't know you or your wife. I'm only writing down my feelings.
I would never want to feel like I am being "settled for" because of the children. That I am a disappointment. Resentment can be felt, it doesn't have to be stated.
I remember many times trying to tell my ex how I felt, what I liked, what I didn't like, my opinion, my view on something, and it was taken the wrong way. Like I was telling him he was a bad person. I then started to not say anything at all. I became afraid to.
Many people stop drinking without going to AA. You stated that you don't think she is sneaking it. She works, and is a good mother. To me, that seems like she is trying to keep her side of the street clean. She expressed guilt over the years that she did drink.
I do agree that MC might help. I do think a lot has to do with communication problems. I do think you need to let go of the resentment, and either learn to love the person she is now, or perhaps divorce, and learn how to co-parent.
I think it is terrific that you are looking at your own part in this.
Oh, I also hate that saying, It takes two to Tango. It takes two to make a marriage work, it takes one to make a marriage fail.
Best Wishes, and thank you for sharing here.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by amy55 
Army of one,
When people start dating, they want the other person to like them, especially if they like you. I know I would do things that he liked, even though I never did them before. Like go to a baseball game , go rafting, camping. I wanted to like the things he liked. I actually did like doing those things, after I did them. Perhaps there were other things that I wanted to do, but I didn't force them on him. If he didn't want to do the things that I liked, I was fine doing them without him.
Again, take what you need, leave the rest.
I am sensing a lot of resentment. I wonder if your wife is also sensing this whether you tell her or not. In a way it can make a person feel not "good enough". Feeling that there are all these expectations, and you just can't do it. I don't know you or your wife. I'm only writing down my feelings.
I would never want to feel like I am being "settled for" because of the children. That I am a disappointment. Resentment can be felt, it doesn't have to be stated.
I remember many times trying to tell my ex how I felt, what I liked, what I didn't like, my opinion, my view on something, and it was taken the wrong way. Like I was telling him he was a bad person. I then started to not say anything at all. I became afraid to.
Many people stop drinking without going to AA. You stated that you don't think she is sneaking it. She works, and is a good mother. To me, that seems like she is trying to keep her side of the street clean. She expressed guilt over the years that she did drink.
I do agree that MC might help. I do think a lot has to do with communication problems. I do think you need to let go of the resentment, and either learn to love the person she is now, or perhaps divorce, and learn how to co-parent.
I think it is terrific that you are looking at your own part in this.
Oh, I also hate that saying, It takes two to Tango. It takes two to make a marriage work, it takes one to make a marriage fail.
Best Wishes, and thank you for sharing here.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
When people start dating, they want the other person to like them, especially if they like you. I know I would do things that he liked, even though I never did them before. Like go to a baseball game , go rafting, camping. I wanted to like the things he liked. I actually did like doing those things, after I did them. Perhaps there were other things that I wanted to do, but I didn't force them on him. If he didn't want to do the things that I liked, I was fine doing them without him.
Again, take what you need, leave the rest.
I am sensing a lot of resentment. I wonder if your wife is also sensing this whether you tell her or not. In a way it can make a person feel not "good enough". Feeling that there are all these expectations, and you just can't do it. I don't know you or your wife. I'm only writing down my feelings.
I would never want to feel like I am being "settled for" because of the children. That I am a disappointment. Resentment can be felt, it doesn't have to be stated.
I remember many times trying to tell my ex how I felt, what I liked, what I didn't like, my opinion, my view on something, and it was taken the wrong way. Like I was telling him he was a bad person. I then started to not say anything at all. I became afraid to.
Many people stop drinking without going to AA. You stated that you don't think she is sneaking it. She works, and is a good mother. To me, that seems like she is trying to keep her side of the street clean. She expressed guilt over the years that she did drink.
I do agree that MC might help. I do think a lot has to do with communication problems. I do think you need to let go of the resentment, and either learn to love the person she is now, or perhaps divorce, and learn how to co-parent.
I think it is terrific that you are looking at your own part in this.
Oh, I also hate that saying, It takes two to Tango. It takes two to make a marriage work, it takes one to make a marriage fail.
Best Wishes, and thank you for sharing here.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
I guess at this time there is nothing I can do to get her to see there are issues on her side of the street. I can only work on keeping my side clean in hopes that one day she decides to do the same.
Its just gets very hard to keep admitting your 'character' defects and keep working on them while the other person refuses to even consider the possibility that they might have a part in it as well.
I tend to also make things worse by not practicing 'detachment'. Its very hard for me to just move on and let her be. If she is not talking or distant I want to know what the reason is and try to fix it right then and there. And I am sure it gets frustrating for someone to be on the recieving end of that all the time.
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After rereading what I wrote I realize I didn't address a lot of the things you mentioned in your comment. So I am going to reply again:
Amy,
You are right; she did like me and wanted to do everything I liked. And has admitted that she didn't want to lose me and that is why she changed herself. I understand that, I respect that, and frankly it’s flattering and a beautiful thing. But what I don't understand is what did she think was going to happen? She would spend the rest of her life pretending to be someone else? Or one day decide she wants to be herself and it wouldn't have any impact on our relationship?
And you are also correct about me being 'resentful'. I am actively working on those resentments. My actions and my words did convey those resentments over the years. I can now see how that would have caused damage to our relationship.
As far as keeping her side of the street clean; Alcoholism is just a symptom of the disease. Ceasing to drink doesn't mean the root cause has been addressed. All those character defects which lead a person to addiction are still there. The shame, guilt, entitlement, denial, resentments...etc are all present. That is why you see people still coming to AA even after they have been sober for decades. It’s those character traits which need to be identified and rigorously worked on. Just as I have identified mine with the help of a program (Al-Anon) and a sponsor.
Amy,
You are right; she did like me and wanted to do everything I liked. And has admitted that she didn't want to lose me and that is why she changed herself. I understand that, I respect that, and frankly it’s flattering and a beautiful thing. But what I don't understand is what did she think was going to happen? She would spend the rest of her life pretending to be someone else? Or one day decide she wants to be herself and it wouldn't have any impact on our relationship?
And you are also correct about me being 'resentful'. I am actively working on those resentments. My actions and my words did convey those resentments over the years. I can now see how that would have caused damage to our relationship.
As far as keeping her side of the street clean; Alcoholism is just a symptom of the disease. Ceasing to drink doesn't mean the root cause has been addressed. All those character defects which lead a person to addiction are still there. The shame, guilt, entitlement, denial, resentments...etc are all present. That is why you see people still coming to AA even after they have been sober for decades. It’s those character traits which need to be identified and rigorously worked on. Just as I have identified mine with the help of a program (Al-Anon) and a sponsor.
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Originally Posted by ArmyOfOne
But what I don't understand is what did she think was going to happen? She would spend the rest of her life pretending to be someone else? Or one day decide she wants to be herself and it wouldn't have any impact on our relationship?
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People don't always do things consciously. Growing up in my particular brand of dysfunctional household I learned that it was my job to manage the environment so Mom wouldn't get mad. I brought that "survivor" behavior into every relationship I ever had. I didn't think about whether I needed to or not, or what the long-term consequences would be, I just did it because it was what I knew to do. It's possible that your wife became what she thought you wanted and really believed it was that simple.
I am not saying it's healthy, it's not. But I can't get behind the idea that she did it on purpose to screw you over later. It wasn't about you. It was about her.
I am not saying it's healthy, it's not. But I can't get behind the idea that she did it on purpose to screw you over later. It wasn't about you. It was about her.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
People don't always do things consciously. Growing up in my particular brand of dysfunctional household I learned that it was my job to manage the environment so Mom wouldn't get mad. I brought that "survivor" behavior into every relationship I ever had. I didn't think about whether I needed to or not, or what the long-term consequences would be, I just did it because it was what I knew to do. It's possible that your wife became what she thought you wanted and really believed it was that simple.
I am not saying it's healthy, it's not. But I can't get behind the idea that she did it on purpose to screw you over later. It wasn't about you. It was about her.
I am not saying it's healthy, it's not. But I can't get behind the idea that she did it on purpose to screw you over later. It wasn't about you. It was about her.
For example, we have been chatting online most of the morning. And for the first time since this morning, 10 mins ago she uses a term of endearment and follows it with a request to cancel this week's session due to work related issues. Without even exploring the options for another time slot.
What I am getting at is I was fortunate enough to stumble upon Al-Anon. And thus have been able to identify and work on those 'coping' strategies. Whereas she refuses to go to AA meetings, and even avoids Marriage Counseling, and as a result doesn't think she has any 'defects' or 'coping' srategies. And if this relationship is going to work then it needs both of us to do our part.
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Originally Posted by ArmyOfOne
Alcoholism is just a symptom of the disease. Ceasing to drink doesn't mean the root cause has been addressed. All those character defects which lead a person to addiction are still there. The shame, guilt, entitlement, denial, resentments...etc are all present. That is why you see people still coming to AA even after they have been sober for decades. It’s those character traits which need to be identified and rigorously worked on.
I had the same issue on my end. Finally, in last week's marriage counseling session, my husband agreed to individual therapy. Whatever way I said it before didn't quite resonate with him. I think there was too much tension and defensiveness surrounding the subject matter. But, the counselor found the right words, and it worked.
Hang in there.
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You know what she is. She is still blaming you for not being there during pregnancy . She will probably be still blaming you for that in 10 years.
Life is short. I think you should look at your life and imagine you only have 5 years to live.
How do you want to spend your last 5 years? With her? Or spending it with someone healthy?
Life is short. I think you should look at your life and imagine you only have 5 years to live.
How do you want to spend your last 5 years? With her? Or spending it with someone healthy?
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Originally Posted by Tuesday1969
You know what she is. She is still blaming you for not being there during pregnancy . She will probably be still blaming you for that in 10 years.
Life is short. I think you should look at your life and imagine you only have 5 years to live.
How do you want to spend your last 5 years? With her? Or spending it with someone healthy?
Life is short. I think you should look at your life and imagine you only have 5 years to live.
How do you want to spend your last 5 years? With her? Or spending it with someone healthy?
But the sad part is people like her usually need a 'reason' to make drastic changes. in AA they call it 'bottoming out'. I guess my struggle is to figure out if I am preventing her from bottoming out by being there. Its a tough position, no easy answers.
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Army of One,
I know nothing about your wife. It seems that there was a period of time that she was drinking heavily and abusing prescription medications. It also appears that your biggest problem with her is resentment that she may have misrepresented herself to you.
Resentment comes from expectations. I do think you need to let go of your expectations of who she should be. People change all the time. What you like one day, the next day you might not, you also may learn to like things that you never thought you would. Views can change, opinions can change.
I have never gone to AA. I have never gone to Ala non, never went to ACOA, even though I qualify for all of them. Some people just don't feel that will help them, and I don't see it as necessary to examine yourself, and to explore my "defects". I went to therapy for that. My defect is that I can't establish boundaries, and I had no coping skills.
I'm not defending your wife here, because I don't know her. She stopped drinking 2 years ago, you really don't think she is drinking, she works, is a good mother. Other then when you said she doesn't want to talk about things, I can't really see dry drunk. I didn't talk to my ex sometimes because he wanted to know what was wrong, and I knew if I said anything it would be a huge fight. I was afraid to say anything.
Your wife changed. It's a disappointment to you because of your expectations. Do you know expectations can kill you. You can't change another person. She is who she is now. Perhaps learn to love that part of her. Encourage her to be "herself". Celebrate the differences between the both of you. If the differences are too great, or she lacks character, then think about 5 years from now, or 10. She has changed, she will continue to change and be the person that she wants to be.
I don't know if you think going to AA will fix her so that she will be who she was. She's not that person anymore.
Best Wishes
amy
I know nothing about your wife. It seems that there was a period of time that she was drinking heavily and abusing prescription medications. It also appears that your biggest problem with her is resentment that she may have misrepresented herself to you.
Resentment comes from expectations. I do think you need to let go of your expectations of who she should be. People change all the time. What you like one day, the next day you might not, you also may learn to like things that you never thought you would. Views can change, opinions can change.
I have never gone to AA. I have never gone to Ala non, never went to ACOA, even though I qualify for all of them. Some people just don't feel that will help them, and I don't see it as necessary to examine yourself, and to explore my "defects". I went to therapy for that. My defect is that I can't establish boundaries, and I had no coping skills.
I'm not defending your wife here, because I don't know her. She stopped drinking 2 years ago, you really don't think she is drinking, she works, is a good mother. Other then when you said she doesn't want to talk about things, I can't really see dry drunk. I didn't talk to my ex sometimes because he wanted to know what was wrong, and I knew if I said anything it would be a huge fight. I was afraid to say anything.
Your wife changed. It's a disappointment to you because of your expectations. Do you know expectations can kill you. You can't change another person. She is who she is now. Perhaps learn to love that part of her. Encourage her to be "herself". Celebrate the differences between the both of you. If the differences are too great, or she lacks character, then think about 5 years from now, or 10. She has changed, she will continue to change and be the person that she wants to be.
I don't know if you think going to AA will fix her so that she will be who she was. She's not that person anymore.
Best Wishes
amy
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Army of One,
I know nothing about your wife. It seems that there was a period of time that she was drinking heavily and abusing prescription medications. It also appears that your biggest problem with her is resentment that she may have misrepresented herself to you. (You can certainly defend her even if you don’t know her. I actually welcome different views and types of feedback – opens up my mind to other possibilities. That I know of, yes, and the misrepresentation is part of the problem which just recently occurred to me. There are a lot of other things that went on in those two years).
Resentment comes from expectations. I do think you need to let go of your expectations of who she should be. People change all the time. What you like one day, the next day you might not, you also may learn to like things that you never thought you would. Views can change, opinions can change. (You are right; I had expectations, expectations which were validated. And I have realized that these expectations have made me resentful and I am working towards getting past those).
I have never gone to AA. I have never gone to Ala non, never went to ACOA, even though I qualify for all of them. Some people just don't feel that will help them, and I don't see it as necessary to examine yourself, and to explore my "defects". I went to therapy for that. My defect is that I can't establish boundaries, and I had no coping skills. (I certainly don’t believe that one has to attend one of those institutions you mentioned, exclusively to work on one’s self. You went to therapy and were receptive to change. She is reluctant to even go to therapy, out of five sessions as of yet and she has cancelled twice. And only reason we are in there is for the therapist to tell me that I am wrong – her words).
I'm not defending your wife here, because I don't know her. She stopped drinking 2 years ago, you really don't think she is drinking, she works, is a good mother. Other then when you said she doesn't want to talk about things, I can't really see dry drunk. I didn't talk to my ex sometimes because he wanted to know what was wrong, and I knew if I said anything it would be a huge fight. I was afraid to say anything. (There are a lot of other things like entitlement, always wanting to be right, getting the last word in, doesn’t understand the concept of budget, hasn’t slept with me in the same bed for two years – says she misses the girls. You didn’t talk to your ex because you potentially wanted to avoid a fight. I am talking about after making up and saying sorry she ignores me and gives yes no answers. And if I don’t ask a question, days go by and I don’t hear a word out of her. I am sure the motives are not the same here as yours).
Your wife changed. It's a disappointment to you because of your expectations. Do you know expectations can kill you. You can't change another person. She is who she is now. Perhaps learn to love that part of her. Encourage her to be "herself". Celebrate the differences between the both of you. If the differences are too great, or she lacks character, then think about 5 years from now, or 10. She has changed, she will continue to change and be the person that she wants to be (I have stopped expecting her to change and have accepted her for who she is and actually love her a lot. I am nice to her, buy her gifts, provide affection on a daily basis, compliment her…etc but every couple of days we get into a fight because I didn’t do something right. Just this morning after I came from the gym - she was getting ready for work, she went off on me because I went to a gym which is 17 mins from our house instead of the one which is 10 mins, to meet my workout partner. She wants him to drive over to the gym that is closer to us. And after repeatedly saying, not early in the morning please, okay I get it, I will ask him, please let it go, she stormed out of the house and it’s been 5 hours and she hasn’t said a word).
I don't know if you think going to AA will fix her so that she will be who she was. She's not that person anymore. (nothing with fix anything unless she wants to change).
Best Wishes
amy
I know nothing about your wife. It seems that there was a period of time that she was drinking heavily and abusing prescription medications. It also appears that your biggest problem with her is resentment that she may have misrepresented herself to you. (You can certainly defend her even if you don’t know her. I actually welcome different views and types of feedback – opens up my mind to other possibilities. That I know of, yes, and the misrepresentation is part of the problem which just recently occurred to me. There are a lot of other things that went on in those two years).
Resentment comes from expectations. I do think you need to let go of your expectations of who she should be. People change all the time. What you like one day, the next day you might not, you also may learn to like things that you never thought you would. Views can change, opinions can change. (You are right; I had expectations, expectations which were validated. And I have realized that these expectations have made me resentful and I am working towards getting past those).
I have never gone to AA. I have never gone to Ala non, never went to ACOA, even though I qualify for all of them. Some people just don't feel that will help them, and I don't see it as necessary to examine yourself, and to explore my "defects". I went to therapy for that. My defect is that I can't establish boundaries, and I had no coping skills. (I certainly don’t believe that one has to attend one of those institutions you mentioned, exclusively to work on one’s self. You went to therapy and were receptive to change. She is reluctant to even go to therapy, out of five sessions as of yet and she has cancelled twice. And only reason we are in there is for the therapist to tell me that I am wrong – her words).
I'm not defending your wife here, because I don't know her. She stopped drinking 2 years ago, you really don't think she is drinking, she works, is a good mother. Other then when you said she doesn't want to talk about things, I can't really see dry drunk. I didn't talk to my ex sometimes because he wanted to know what was wrong, and I knew if I said anything it would be a huge fight. I was afraid to say anything. (There are a lot of other things like entitlement, always wanting to be right, getting the last word in, doesn’t understand the concept of budget, hasn’t slept with me in the same bed for two years – says she misses the girls. You didn’t talk to your ex because you potentially wanted to avoid a fight. I am talking about after making up and saying sorry she ignores me and gives yes no answers. And if I don’t ask a question, days go by and I don’t hear a word out of her. I am sure the motives are not the same here as yours).
Your wife changed. It's a disappointment to you because of your expectations. Do you know expectations can kill you. You can't change another person. She is who she is now. Perhaps learn to love that part of her. Encourage her to be "herself". Celebrate the differences between the both of you. If the differences are too great, or she lacks character, then think about 5 years from now, or 10. She has changed, she will continue to change and be the person that she wants to be (I have stopped expecting her to change and have accepted her for who she is and actually love her a lot. I am nice to her, buy her gifts, provide affection on a daily basis, compliment her…etc but every couple of days we get into a fight because I didn’t do something right. Just this morning after I came from the gym - she was getting ready for work, she went off on me because I went to a gym which is 17 mins from our house instead of the one which is 10 mins, to meet my workout partner. She wants him to drive over to the gym that is closer to us. And after repeatedly saying, not early in the morning please, okay I get it, I will ask him, please let it go, she stormed out of the house and it’s been 5 hours and she hasn’t said a word).
I don't know if you think going to AA will fix her so that she will be who she was. She's not that person anymore. (nothing with fix anything unless she wants to change).
Best Wishes
amy
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Army... I'm glad you still love her and want to be in it for the long haul. But I'm not sure what you want. She sounds emotionally void unless it's a negative sh!tstorm over stupid crap. There's very little love shown to you. And she sees no problem so she's not interested in "changing". Knowing there's not going to be a magic wand waved over her, what is it you want? Do you want to learn to detach with love? That would mean totally disengaging with her and living separate lives. But as you say... that is NOT living. You wanted a life partner. She is not it, and frankly I have to wonder if there's another man in her life. Are you willing to totally detach and live your separate life under the same roof? If not, perhaps it is time to start thinking of Plan B.
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Just this morning after I came from the gym - she was getting ready for work, she went off on me because I went to a gym which is 17 mins from our house instead of the one which is 10 mins, to meet my workout partner. She wants him to drive over to the gym that is closer to us. And after repeatedly saying, not early in the morning please, okay I get it, I will ask him, please let it go, she stormed out of the house and it’s been 5 hours and she hasn’t said a word).
and exactly WHY is this an issue? Why is your wife much less anyone dictating to you to dictate to someone else where you will work out? Why does she care?
This is not worthy of 5 hours of silent treatment its not even worthy of mention.
When I first read your story I thought that your hold on her was a bit much. Now I think its the other way around. You are agreeing with her - you are saying/doing what she tells you to to avoid a confrontation and that's not even working.
My friend, this sounds emotionally abusive to me.
I am in agreement with Refiner that you may need to take a further step back and take a look at the situation you are in. You and your wife haven't slept together in 2 years. She is unwilling to get marriage counseling. You may have moments where you get a long but as you describe the core of your relationship is her finding fault with you and you doing what she asks (whether you want to or not) to avoid a fight.
I am sorry this is happening to you.
I'd take the focus off your wife. Forget about her for a minute or two. What about you? Is this the way you want to live your life? You say you love her and you want to spend th rest of your life with her - its just that aside from your kids - I'm not seeing whats in this for YOU.
and exactly WHY is this an issue? Why is your wife much less anyone dictating to you to dictate to someone else where you will work out? Why does she care?
This is not worthy of 5 hours of silent treatment its not even worthy of mention.
When I first read your story I thought that your hold on her was a bit much. Now I think its the other way around. You are agreeing with her - you are saying/doing what she tells you to to avoid a confrontation and that's not even working.
My friend, this sounds emotionally abusive to me.
I am in agreement with Refiner that you may need to take a further step back and take a look at the situation you are in. You and your wife haven't slept together in 2 years. She is unwilling to get marriage counseling. You may have moments where you get a long but as you describe the core of your relationship is her finding fault with you and you doing what she asks (whether you want to or not) to avoid a fight.
I am sorry this is happening to you.
I'd take the focus off your wife. Forget about her for a minute or two. What about you? Is this the way you want to live your life? You say you love her and you want to spend th rest of your life with her - its just that aside from your kids - I'm not seeing whats in this for YOU.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
Just this morning after I came from the gym - she was getting ready for work, she went off on me because I went to a gym which is 17 mins from our house instead of the one which is 10 mins, to meet my workout partner. She wants him to drive over to the gym that is closer to us. And after repeatedly saying, not early in the morning please, okay I get it, I will ask him, please let it go, she stormed out of the house and it’s been 5 hours and she hasn’t said a word).
and exactly WHY is this an issue? Why is your wife much less anyone dictating to you to dictate to someone else where you will work out? Why does she care?
This is not worthy of 5 hours of silent treatment its not even worthy of mention.
When I first read your story I thought that your hold on her was a bit much. Now I think its the other way around. You are agreeing with her - you are saying/doing what she tells you to to avoid a confrontation and that's not even working.
My friend, this sounds emotionally abusive to me.
I am in agreement with Refiner that you may need to take a further step back and take a look at the situation you are in. You and your wife haven't slept together in 2 years. She is unwilling to get marriage counseling. You may have moments where you get a long but as you describe the core of your relationship is her finding fault with you and you doing what she asks (whether you want to or not) to avoid a fight.
I am sorry this is happening to you.
I'd take the focus off your wife. Forget about her for a minute or two. What about you? Is this the way you want to live your life? You say you love her and you want to spend th rest of your life with her - its just that aside from your kids - I'm not seeing whats in this for YOU.
and exactly WHY is this an issue? Why is your wife much less anyone dictating to you to dictate to someone else where you will work out? Why does she care?
This is not worthy of 5 hours of silent treatment its not even worthy of mention.
When I first read your story I thought that your hold on her was a bit much. Now I think its the other way around. You are agreeing with her - you are saying/doing what she tells you to to avoid a confrontation and that's not even working.
My friend, this sounds emotionally abusive to me.
I am in agreement with Refiner that you may need to take a further step back and take a look at the situation you are in. You and your wife haven't slept together in 2 years. She is unwilling to get marriage counseling. You may have moments where you get a long but as you describe the core of your relationship is her finding fault with you and you doing what she asks (whether you want to or not) to avoid a fight.
I am sorry this is happening to you.
I'd take the focus off your wife. Forget about her for a minute or two. What about you? Is this the way you want to live your life? You say you love her and you want to spend th rest of your life with her - its just that aside from your kids - I'm not seeing whats in this for YOU.
I am honestly lost right now, I don't think I have a plan B. There is nothing in it for me except for couple of days out of a week where things seem to be normal and then something rocks the boat and here comes the **** storm.
I really don't think there is someone else in her life but at this point if there is, it might make it easier for me to hate her. I don't know how is someone supposed to walk away while still loving the person. And yes my daughters, they mean the world to me. The thought of them going through a divorce scares me.
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Army,
Thank you for clarifying some major points.
I also didn't know what to make of your first posts, because you labeled yourself as controlling, and that you scream and yell at her. It was that combined with your resentment of her changes. I thought you were mostly talking about the way she dresses.
I agree with everything redatlanta said.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
Thank you for clarifying some major points.
I also didn't know what to make of your first posts, because you labeled yourself as controlling, and that you scream and yell at her. It was that combined with your resentment of her changes. I thought you were mostly talking about the way she dresses.
I agree with everything redatlanta said.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
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You may still love her, but you may simply not be compatible. It happens. I get storms on regular basis and absolutely do not know what is expected of me. But I know he will not change. That's for sure. People do grow apart. And when there is no communicating, there is no solution or future.
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Army I didn't see where redatlanta said you controlled her, but the hold on her. You come across (at least to me) as a poor puppy that's continually kicked and screamed at all the while manically wagging its tail trying to get close to the abuser in hopes "to make it all better". She is in your grips to try and make right. While she has no obvious signs of wanting to (from what you've posted). Perhaps bc you always come back for more and cave to her every whim she at times feels sorry for you and voila! You get a couple of days of what may seem like normal. But then something else sets her off (sounds like it doesn't take much) and bc she has no respect for you the sh!tstorm cycle ensues. There's one major dis link though... In your last post you say how she paints a completely different picture of you to the outside that you are the controlling one that yells and screams and abuses. What actions take place that even allows her to make such accusations? And do you call her out on them?
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When you made the statements about how she was to dress and etc. You also made a couple comments that you were "very" clear to her about how YOU wanted to live and she was in agreement when you got married.
It came across as very controlling. I didn't hear any mention of being concerned about her likes and wants only yours. You seemed to want someone who mirrored you to a Tee. When she started doing her own thing it upset you because that "is not what you agreed to".
Marriages aren't suicide pacts. People change. To be honest the description of your marriage sounded like you had a noose around her neck. Then it sounded like when she had enough she took the noose off and you didn't know how to handle it. Now it seems as if the tables have turned and it is she who is controlling you.
Please keep in mind that its very easy to misinterpret the written word. Certainly your entire marriage cannot be summated in a couple paragraphs - I am only telling you my interpretation which may be incorrect.
It came across as very controlling. I didn't hear any mention of being concerned about her likes and wants only yours. You seemed to want someone who mirrored you to a Tee. When she started doing her own thing it upset you because that "is not what you agreed to".
Marriages aren't suicide pacts. People change. To be honest the description of your marriage sounded like you had a noose around her neck. Then it sounded like when she had enough she took the noose off and you didn't know how to handle it. Now it seems as if the tables have turned and it is she who is controlling you.
Please keep in mind that its very easy to misinterpret the written word. Certainly your entire marriage cannot be summated in a couple paragraphs - I am only telling you my interpretation which may be incorrect.
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I can see where and how you would get that impression. And the only reason I said I was controlling is because I am a co-dependent. A puppy dog wagging its tail and also tries to please people by manipulating the situation and outcome. I have my own issues and my own character defects; one of them is fear of abandonment. I can’t stand for anyone to be mad at me. And another one was ‘anger’. I say ‘was’ because I have worked a lot on it.
I understand your point about how things can come across in couple of paragraphs. But it wasn’t like I went to a random person and said, ‘hey you get to marry me if you abide by these set of rules. It’s more like when you meet someone and realize they have the same ideology, similar outlook on life, similar values and a lot of things in common. You take the next step and talk about spending the rest of your lives together. It’s a mutual decision and not a mandate. Of course there will be questions when you start doing things out of character or different from what or how you used to be.
She is her own person, comes from a wealthy family. Has a masters in Psychology, has had tremendous success in her professional career. I say all this to relay the fact that she is not someone who has been chained with a noose around her neck against her will. Quite to the contrary, I have always considered her to be much more emotionally mature than myself.
But yes, I have made mistakes, mistakes during when she was abusing, mistakes when she was pregnant. And I am remorseful.
What ‘refiner’ said resonates with me because I have been told the same thing before. And also, I feel like I am being a doormat. The only thing is I rationalize it in my head by saying ‘why do we have to play games with each other’ and give in.
I understand your point about how things can come across in couple of paragraphs. But it wasn’t like I went to a random person and said, ‘hey you get to marry me if you abide by these set of rules. It’s more like when you meet someone and realize they have the same ideology, similar outlook on life, similar values and a lot of things in common. You take the next step and talk about spending the rest of your lives together. It’s a mutual decision and not a mandate. Of course there will be questions when you start doing things out of character or different from what or how you used to be.
She is her own person, comes from a wealthy family. Has a masters in Psychology, has had tremendous success in her professional career. I say all this to relay the fact that she is not someone who has been chained with a noose around her neck against her will. Quite to the contrary, I have always considered her to be much more emotionally mature than myself.
But yes, I have made mistakes, mistakes during when she was abusing, mistakes when she was pregnant. And I am remorseful.
What ‘refiner’ said resonates with me because I have been told the same thing before. And also, I feel like I am being a doormat. The only thing is I rationalize it in my head by saying ‘why do we have to play games with each other’ and give in.
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I haven't chimed in because to be honest I'm not sure what to make of this situation. It kind of sounds to me, based on what you've posted, that the two of you have simply grown apart. The fact that she ran into a problem with alcohol and pills doesn't necessarily make her an alcoholic, or her behavior "dry drunk." Not everyone who abuses alcohol or medications is an addict. She's changed, and you want her back the way she used to be. Maybe that isn't her any more. I know I've changed quite a bit from the way I was when I was younger. I don't like all of the same things, my opinions about things have changed, the way I relate to other people has changed. I found that, in my first marriage, I became unhappy. It wasn't because my husband wasn't a good guy--he was. The relationship just felt "wrong." We did some marriage counseling, seemed to make some progress, but the bottom line was that I didn't feel that the marriage was what I wanted for myself anymore.
Maybe I'm projecting, but it kind of sounds like that's where her head is at. Her behavior of being critical and complaining may be her way of trying to convince you that the marriage isn't salvageable. Have you asked her if she wants out? Have you asked her to think about whether she wants to continue to "try"?
Divorce isn't the end of the world. I left my first husband amicably, we were able to agree on all of the important issues. My husband was very hurt, but he got counseling for himself and relied heavily on his AA friends for emotional support. We cooperated in raising our kids (he had primary custody but cooperated in keeping me involved in their lives). We are still good friends to this day--I stay with him and his wife when I go out to visit our (now adult) kids.
It just sort of sounds to me like she doesn't have much invested in saving this marriage, and that's something you might have to accept.
I'm sorry for the pain.
Maybe I'm projecting, but it kind of sounds like that's where her head is at. Her behavior of being critical and complaining may be her way of trying to convince you that the marriage isn't salvageable. Have you asked her if she wants out? Have you asked her to think about whether she wants to continue to "try"?
Divorce isn't the end of the world. I left my first husband amicably, we were able to agree on all of the important issues. My husband was very hurt, but he got counseling for himself and relied heavily on his AA friends for emotional support. We cooperated in raising our kids (he had primary custody but cooperated in keeping me involved in their lives). We are still good friends to this day--I stay with him and his wife when I go out to visit our (now adult) kids.
It just sort of sounds to me like she doesn't have much invested in saving this marriage, and that's something you might have to accept.
I'm sorry for the pain.
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