FeelingGreat

This is the basis of fairness. You know each other's assets and you make your compromises and decisions accordingly.

I originally made a verbal agreement with my EXH which seemed fair at the time but when I had to get a lawyer's opinion before it was ratified by the court, I realised I was entitled to about double that amount.

By then my EXH had moved on and was engaged, and I realised I wasn't just being nice to him, but to his new partner as well. Whole different thing!

It was unpleasant for a short period, but now, years later, we all get on really well and there are no hidden resentments.

Butterfly

I won't make any decisions about settlements until the mediation when we have to show all financial documents and I know everything. He's very keen to settle out of court and that makes me suspicious. So I will definitely be going through with the mediation.

No amy his name isn't on the house, never was but because it was the matrimonial home and he lived here he is entitled to equity from it however a few years ago I gave him equity from the house after I asked him to leave. When we got back together I had no idea what happened to the money he said he spent it and I didn't keep asking.

CodeJob

I am glad to see you writing about action Butterfly. Do what needs to be done to fly free.

Butterfly

I texted him this morning and told him that I had spoken to my solicitor and again that the terms of the divorce can be negotiated at mediation that I need the divorce to go ahead As quickly as possible I needed to move on and heal and I can't if he delays the divorce. I told him that I could apply for unreasonable behaviour, that I didn't want to but I would. It took him a few hours to reply but he said he would speak to his solicitor and try and move it along quickly. He said he didn't want to go in front of the judge with his original petition of 5 yrs and again said we had agreed to this then agree 2 years, worried how it would look like. I didn't argue or comment about that. He said he never meant to hurt me but here we are he's very sorry it has come to, this I truly am!!!! X

Of course I immeditely fell off the horse and told him I couldn't believe it after everything he said about how he felt about me and wanted for us how I don't know if that's how he feels or if he told me the other stuff just so I would move on like he said another time, I told him I love him always will how I waned to believe he was in love with me and wanted to be with me but couldn't because he wouldn't give up drinking and on and on, another epic text. I said I have to accept that regardless it doesn't matter and I wasn't wanting him to tell me how he feels. I secretly did, I wanted him to say I can't go through with the divorce I'm going to get help. I really can't have contact with him I just jump back in wanting him to reassure me he loves me and wants to be with me, to fight for me, for him and for us! I do feel foolish I have taken a step back by basically trying to convince him. but I do believe that a divorce is the only way I will move forward and stop wanting him to reassure me not sure I will lose the hope though.

I am exhausted, teary, feeling very anxious and have a pain in my heart not a sharp worrying pain know those pains you get or maybe they are feelings I don't know I'm not good at describing these things.

LexieCat

OK, you said your piece to him, don't keep repeating yourself. Hold your head up high and don't beg for anything.

You don't NEED him any more. I know you wish things had gone a different way but they didn't. They went this way.

You are going to be FINE. Better than fine. Better than if he'd come back to you. Believe it.

hopeful4

Oh babe, this is why you are paying a solicitor. Stop having contact, it is only hurting one person, you.

Tight, very tight hugs.

LexieCat

Ugh, double post

Butterfly

Thanks Lexie I think I keep saying the same things to him because I want to him to realise the damage his drinking has and continues to cause even though I know he won't he's made his choice and ive no control over that only my own choices.

Thanks hopeful contact is emotionally draining and yes I'm the only one who gets hurt.

I feel like I'm a little girl who constantly needs reassurance and validation from others.

Butterfly

What does beginning to accept feel like? Can it even be explained. someday I think I've accepted what's happened and other days I know I haven't.

LexieCat

You are wasting your breath trying to make him "realise the damage" his drinking has caused. It isn't your concern what he realizes. Not your JOB to make him realize it. And it wouldn't make any difference as far as what's going on right now if he did.

Keep telling yourself that. Because telling him more times (a) won't cause him to have a sudden epiphany and (b) you give away a little bit more of yourself and your peace of mind every time you do it.

LexieCat

For me, it felt like I could see two different paths. He was on one, I was on another. And I didn't have to drag him over to my path. I didn't have to correct his direction or prod him along. I waved, and wished him well, and started walking down mine, knowing that my getting where I wanted to go didn't depend on where he was going, or keeping an eye on where he was going.

Butterfly

I know thanks Lexie I need to stay on my side of the street and your right epiphany or not won't change anything he would still have to manage his own recovery while I manage mine but deep down I know there has been too much hurt this time and this time I'm processing all the hurt ive stuffed down deep and ignored for 18 years.

Hawkeye13

Let it go--you won't get the answer you want, and that's that.
I'm so sorry it hurts so much but at least you know where he stands

He's still pushing for this five year thing despite everything.
Don't go for his lie--it still seems to me to be about him trying to manipulate you into agreeing to say something that isn't true.

From now on, only talk through the lawyer--don't you think?

He clearly doesn't have any interests but his own in his mind and heart.

LexieCat

I know. Just work on processing it in some way that doesn't involve sharing it with him. Keep venting here, get it out with your therapist or a friend. Write him letters and then tear them up or burn them. There's still grief work to be done, but he's a poor candidate for working it through with.

MrsVain

if he is saying that he never screwed you over financially, then he probably is. my AX would always say he WASNT doing something when he was. it took a year away from him for me to realize that.

good luck

Butterfly

Thanks hawkeye.

Yes he constantly brings it up wanting to divorce on his grounds he put in the petition that we haven't lived together in15 yrs and divorce on the grounds of 5 years separation, thats the max option on petitions in the UK. He is adamant and constantly brings it up that I agreed to this months ago when I first brought up divorce but he said he didn't want it. I know I didnt, my brain has been muddled by alcohol. I also don't think he wants me to divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour because then he would have to read everything and as he's avoiding dealing with anything he won't want that also he may be ordered to pay all the costs so it would end up costing him more money, that he wouldn't be able to give to the kids!!!!

He obviously didn't get rid of his solicitor and either didnt or was told he couldn't withdraw the petition!! His petition isn't my issue and actually for the first time I'm not wanting to protect him and make everything ok for him so he doesn't have to deal with his lies.

Yes contact through my solicitor, I'm still too hurt to deal with him and although I can maintain my resolve for a short time I can't keep it up and I always tell him things and let him know I'm here giving him the message away you go do what you want it's ok il be here when you decide to live in reality!!

Butterfly

Thanks Lexie I've written a few letters then destroyed them it's very therapeutic lol. Sitting with my feelings is so hard as I'm sure it is for many of us who have ignored them for many years. They are new and frightening and sometimes I can't make sense of how I'm feeling and why but I keep trying and that's all I can do and hope that maybe one day it will all just click into place.

Butterfly

Yes Mrs vain I don't trust him at all

FeelingGreat

B - step - away - from - the - ex.

No texting, apart from 'talk to solicitor'. You go backwards at the speed of light the minute you contact him directly.

It always takes time to go through divorce - the law is a slow mover, but it will end I promise.