LexieCat

Best thing about having a lawyer, as far as I'm concerned--a buffer so you don't have to deal with someone directly.

It's funny, I handled both of my divorces myself (the first one I had someone just to review paperwork and make sure I'm not shooting myself in the foot or creating a potential problem later), but when I split with the last guy I lived with there was the sale of a piece of property in which we both had an interest. He was a TOTAL pain, and it was lovely to have my lawyer send him letters insisting he communicate only with her.

Butterfly

he has said that he will withdraw his petition then try and get the money up again to lodge another one in a few months but again asking that I dont invovle solicitors again he would rather the money went to our kids!! Hes talking about drawing up legal agreements just between us. I dont think he gets it that divorce has to g through the courts and legal agreements have to done with a solicitor.

According to him I chose to go down this route and how he left the house with only a few items and had to borrow to get his new place, ahhhh poor him my heart is bleeding and of course he doesnt want additional costs for either of us. so good that he is thinking about me......((Sarcasim)).

I did fall off the horse and ask him to be honest about how he felt about me but I immediately regretted it and said doesnt matter forget I asked. I realised it doesnt matter. I need this divorce to go through and not drag out!!

I need to focus on me and I think thats the only way I can do it, divorce, grieve then move on!

It is good that I have a solicitor so I can talk all this through with

Butterfly

feelinggreat your right I am used to deferring to him, agreeing with everything he wants just so he is happy and not to cause trouble. I havent backed down and I told him straight I want this divorce over so I can move on with my life. I think he has started mentioning the kids as thats my weak spot and hes using that to try and manipulate me. WOW a few months ago Id av thought he really is thinking about me and the kids and Id been taken him by hi an d agreed, hell if hed have contacted me on Sunday/Monday night I probably would have given in. My HP is looking out for me!!

FeelingGreat

Yeah that bit about wanting it to go to the kids is a pretty transparent piece of manipulation.

- Is he going to work out how much a lawyer would have cost and hand the cash over to the kids? I think we both know the answer. One day he may leave something to them in a will, but that could be years from now.

- Has he considered getting treatment to become sober for the kids' sake, and using the money he saves for their benefit?

We all have priorities about how we spend our money. Him, booze. You, legal advice.

readerbaby71

He is trying to manipulate you. Your children will be fine without the money spent on the divorce. Keep on and listen to what the solicitor tells you to do. He/she is looking out for the interests of you and your children. Your husband is not.

When this is all over you are going to feel so empowered and proud of yourself. The pain is worth it. I am sorry you have to go through it, but you will come out better in the end.

Hugs. xoxoxo

hopeful4

Yup, he's trying to find your weak spot to not have to pay up.

What a clown. Keep on keeping on my friend.

redatlanta

You know if he suggests you don't use solicitors so that money can go to the kids why don't you suggest he quit drinking and that money can go to the kids.

Bet that would shut the puppet master up.

Butterfly

thanks everyone

Feelinggreat I doubt very much he will give the money to the kids that's his money he gives me money for DS that's it. If he was so concerned about the kids why doesn't he ask how they are or if they need anything or if I need anything or any help!!

Readerbaby I agree the kids will be fine they're older and DS and I have worked out a way so he can get a car, he has savings and he will use them and I will pay for his insurance. Sorted don't need him!!

Hopeful, yes he is he tried the I only said we weren't together for all those years to protect you and how he doesn't have any money trying to place on the fact that I still love him and when that didn't work he tried using the kids to manipulate me and knowing I don't have much money. Making it all seem ok if we go his way don't include solicitors and court agree a legally binding agreement where I get the house and money for DS. He was definiately trying everything to avoid solicitors.

I've told him regardless of whether it's now or next ur I will still be using a solicitor and we still have to go through mediation and the courts, it's not as clear cut as he thinks when there are kids involved.

Red your so funny, puppet master well he ain't my puppet master no more and I'm gonna make sure he sees he can't dictate or manipulate me. I just wish I could see the other ways he has manipulated me.

Anyway spoke with solicitor and apparently he can't withdraw his petition but he can just leave it in the court and not follow it up. I can't do anything either with his petition even though I've responded. I can however file my own petition for unreasonable behaviour and apparently I can ask for the courts to grant an order for him to pay the costs. My solicitor thinks il get it the order. But that would be really stoking the fire and make him pi**ed off imagine his reaction if he's ordered to pay costs for me after him not wanting to pay anything. I also think that would be a bit mean of me.

I've some thinking to do, I didn't want the divorce and I still don't but I need it to move on but part of me wants him to divorce me so I will know for sure it's over and that's what he wants. The other part of me wants to file my own petition and take complete control over it because as it stands he still has control over when he files again!!

hopeful4

I think you should do it and just get it over with. Just my .02 my friend.

LexieCat

Yup, my opinion, too. He's shown zero interest in reconciliation or in recovery. I think YOUR taking the reins and dealing with this on your own initiative might help you feel less victimized and abandoned. It's discouraging to always be in reactive mode. The other party calls the shots and you have to run around responding to them. How much better would it be to set your OWN agenda, pursuing what's in YOUR best interest?

Hawkeye13

Me too;
Follow through and get it done.

If you feel really bad about it, you can always give him part of the costs back.
He sure wouldn't do that for you, but if it gets things moving for you so be it.

I agree with Lexie--you've been passive and allowing his manipulation for so long
it would be a positive step to take action on your own behalf and have the dam
thing resolved.

Otherwise you'll be stewing over this for years more.
In the words of Captain Picard from Star Trek Next Gen:

"Make it so, dear Butterfly"

Butterfly

Thanks guys. Your right I need to take complete control and make this happen. I've waited around for years for him to follow through and he hasn't.

amy55

I also wanted my ex to be the one to file for the divorce. He told me that I didn't need an attorney, he would do what he needed to do. Of course, he had an attorney. I was going to let things go the way he wanted it to, just to end it all. I didn't have a lawyer then, I didn't have a computer then.

Then I got both !!!!!

I couldn't believe the ways that he was trying to screw me with the lets just go thru mediation. Ex - I'll give you so much, but isn't it better that I spend my money on the kids instead of giving it to you. Of course if you need financial help, I'll always be there for you. I got an attorney. He wouldn't agree to anything, tried to screw around with me on everything. Of course he was doing all this to help his grown children.

I think I needed to see how much he wanted to lie to me and screw me over, that helped me so much with the detachment. He's trying something here. I don't know, I keep going back to what is it about his pension, and division of that, or hidden assets, that he is trying to protect?

Some really stinking fish here. He doesn't want a divorce right now, but he doesn't want to be with you. There is something he doesn't want you to know. I also would continue with the lawyer.

This guy is pissing me off as much as mine did.

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy

Butterfly

Lol Amy, I am going to continue I am also really suspicious about the sudden reason for his change of mind. You know I don't even want any of his pension I want to be completely free from him all I want is financial support for DS while he goes to uni. But I do want to see all the financial documents, bank accounts savings etc now! There is something he doesn't want me to see!!

Hawkeye13

A fair division is fair.

I have been saying all along he is hiding something.
I do think it has to do with the pension benefits and perhaps
the split of assets.

Don't say you "don't want" his pension if you are entitled to part of it
for staying at home caring for children with him being unreliable and drinking
all during that time.

Having a fair share will mean not only a more secure and happier life for
you down the road (which you have earned and he drank away) but
will also give you more opportunity to help your kids as they marry and have
families of their own.

Wouldn't it be nice for you to be able to go on holidays not just on your own,
but also with your kids and grandkids? To have the money to help out with
marriage expenses and down payments on houses someday?

To take a long long wonderful holiday the year you retire?

That's worth standing up for Butterfly

Butterfly

Thanks hawkeye. I also think it's his pension as he keeps talking about how he walked away with only a few items and I got the house and the contents.

I just don't know if I want to file for unreasonable behaviour and document incidents. I haven't even acknowledged many that happened or dealt with my feelings about many.

Il have a good think, in the mean time my so,icito r will write to him and inform him again of the documents required to proceed with mediation, it's up to him if he doesn't want to have a so,icito r present.

LexieCat

It's fine to decide what you want and don't want. I had a much better pension, which I wanted to keep, but in exchange I gave my first husband the entire equity in our house. He had the kids, and the arrangement felt fair to both of us.

The thing is, though, you are not in a position to negotiate what is, and isn't, fair unless you both know what exists. It's one thing to say, "I'll give this up in exchange for my future peace of mind," and another to say, "I don't want whatever it is that you might be taking that partially belongs to me (whatever that might be)." Knowledge is power, and freedom, and dignity. Don't sacrifice knowledge, even if you're prepared to give up "stuff."

amy55

1. He says he will give you the house and all the contents in the house. Is his name on the house and the mortgage, will you have to refinance, if you don't get his name off the house they will put liens on it for any of his debts.

2. Is the mortgage paid off? What is the equity in the house. Forget contents of house for awhile, anyone can go to garage sales.

3. Pension. I don't know how they work in UK. I know I am entitled to about $2000 a month from my ex's pension, while he is entitled to about $600. of mine. I know I can't compare UK pension to US federal pension. The difference is $1400 per month.

4. I had filed under the grounds of extreme cruelty. Don't know what they call that in UK. I got him to compromise more and and extra $7000. not to bring it to jury. I didn't want the extra money. I used it to get the divorce over with and a settlement that was more fair. In the US I had to file this way just in case I wanted to file a "Tevis" claim. Egregious behavior for a lawsuit.

I did all of this even though I couldn't believe this was happening. It turned out to be the best solution for me.

In the US to try to file that, may have cost me an extra $2000.

I don't want to advise you on anything here. It is your choice.

My ex offered me a $30,000 settlement with nothing else. He pays me alimony till age 66 of 22,000 a year.

Think really carefully about all of this.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

redatlanta

I agree with Amy 100%...something ain't adding up.

amy55

Forgot to mention, where is he borrowing the money from? for his place and whatever. Half that debt will most likely be yours also. So you could end up paying half of his maintenance for another year.

amy