PinkCloudsCharley

Very bad night. He wanted to be left alone. After four hours i talked to him. Wrong decision. He wasn't even drinking. He completely lost it. Our daughter phoned her cousin, and my bil then lost it on ah. Now ah is saying the family is done. He left for a hotel.

Our family is ruined and it's all my fault. My fault because he wanted to be left alone and I didn't. I talked to him. Why couldn't i have just shut up like he wanted? He wasn't even drinking!! He's been sober for three nights now and this is how I thank him?

My family is ruined. I'm lost.

PinkCloudsCharley

We can't even afford a hotel. This is crazy. I feel sick. I am so f'ing stupid.

allforcnm

Don't blame yourself... you are not stupid. How could you predict he would leave tonight? I think maybe this was just a tipping point... 3 days sobriety is good, but it also probably left him very raw emotionally. If you look at things objectively, I think you will see the turmoil is within him and how he's coping right now. Maybe a little space will help? Will you be able to get any rest tonight?

PinkCloudsCharley

I don't think I will sleep at all. I think this is over. My daughter is scared. Hell I'm scared. He just wanted to be left alone and crap i talked to him. Stupid me. He was behaving like he was drinking all day but he wasn't actually.

I'm so confused. And it's all my fault.

He yelled and called me names like he did when he drank. My bil told him to pack a bag and leave. Ah showed me the texts before he left, they werent pulling any punches.

I just want ah to get better. To be the man i know he can be. This stuff is beneath him. And it's all my fault because I talked to him. I'm tired of being left alone and now I think I will be permanently and it will have been all my fault.

mejo

Oh, I did this crap all the time. He did not want to talk, but I have decided that is a trigger for me and I JUST HAD TO TALK. He would get so pissed!

Tomorrow is a new day. And if he was acting like he was drinking, and you felt those red flags, he probably was drinking. Especially if he said the things he always said while drinking.

Give it some time tonight. Maybe tomorrow things might be better and he will be cooled off.

PinkCloudsCharley

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Funny thing was, i was trying to be "supportive" and tell him I was there for him, that he would forget his problems if he just came upstairs and hung out with us like a family.

First he's yelling at me cuz i talked to him, then it was cuz i don't support him. I never mentioned he wasn't drinking and that's not supportive but wheb i do mention he hasn't drank and good job, it's none of my g-d business. Can't win.

Mags1

Hi mejo, hopefully he will have calmed down this morning. I know the cravings can drive you crazy when going sober and usually take it out on those nearest.

Hope all is well.x

Butterfly

Hi sovery, please don't blame yourself this is not your fault, ok he asked to be left alone and you talked to him it's not the end of the world and you certainly didn't deserve his reaction. 3 days sober isn't long for A and it could have been him trying to cope with his withdrawal or he could have left as an excuse to drink! I don't know for sure but my AH would do that all the time. Take this time an focus on you you haven't ruined your family, addiction has. Big hugs

healthyagain

Exactly what Butterfly said. So, you only wanted to talk and that was his reaction? Don't you think it was a bit too extreme? Well, alcoholics do that. And after three days of no drinking, he is probably at the peak of withdrawal symptoms. So, I speculate. But one thing is certain. Normal husbands do not go to hotels when wives want to talk to them. They do not throw fits, yell and scream, try to intimidate you.

You should never ever ever blame yourself for what he does. It is not like you wanted to pull his teeth out. You wanted to talk! Simple as that. But you know what is the hardest thing for me to do with my AH? Talk! Because time is never right!

You did not cause it! No way!

suncatcher

Sovery, I'm so sorry you are going through all this mental torment. Please don't blame yourself. There are so many things going on here. If he hasn't drank in three days he probably is withdrawing. It's actually dangerous to stop drinking without medical intervention if he has been a heavy drinker. You were trying to talk and be supportive, he wasn't ready to talk. That is not your fault. He will come back around. Hopefully he is detoxing under medical supervision. You could go to an alanon meeting and of course you have SR. Take care of you and get some rest. I know this is a hard time for you as well as your A. You don't deserve to be called names whether he is drunk or sober. You are worthy of respect. Never forget that. Hugs to you.

chicory

It's really hard sometimes, to not speak our hearts, when we care and have so much invested.
I would imagine it's very hard when you are only three days sober..harder than you or I could imagine. No excuse for him being abusive.. and its not your fault that he chose to react that way. pretty immature and selfish, but that happens more than you would imagine. especially when they normally would medicate with booze to avoid feelings.

hang in there. let go of your guilt. dont be so hard on yourself. what you did was understandable, if unwise. Al-anon would be a lifesaver for you, I bet.

I hope he continues to strive for recovery. Let him do his part. and you work on your stuff.

PinkCloudsCharley

Thanks everyone. He is not under medical supervision, if fact, he rarely even goes to meetings much less the dr. I don't know what today holds, i have a haircut appt i probably won't get to because he was going to babysit. I don't have anyone else to watch our toddler. Not much sleep was had here, my eyes are so puffy they are almost swollen shut. My stomach is rolling. I cant believe all this is happening. All I wanted was a happy peaceful life with my little family. Instead we are in the middle of crisis. I'm not getting enough sleep. This is crazy. And today it will still be my fault.

FeelingGreat

Lost - try not to catastrophize one incident. I agree that you probably shouldn't have disturbed him when he asked to be left alone, but it's not a capital crime either.
If your AH really has been sober for 3 nights, then the fact that his temper is very short isn't a huge surprise.
Time to get yourself together and do what needs to be done for your children, and look after the finances.You're a responsible adult, and someone needs to be in charge.
If AH is going to bare knuckle his recovery he has less chance of success and needs to be aware of what it's doing to the family.

CodeJob

Good morning,

This fellow has supposedly been sober for 3 nights and you talked to him after 3 or 4 hours? Oops.

First off, I was raised in a family where the silent treatment was a favorite punishment when someone was not acting out their expected role in the family. You were just made to feel left out in the cold and figure it out for yourself bc you were an idiot. As I worked on my Step 4 I was finally validated that my family is a pack of wackos and wolves. This link helped me identify a whole lot of poor behavior that helped set me up for an adult child of an alcoholic and ALSO realize that there are a few not so savory behaviors I myself act out because it was how I was brought up.

Out of the FOG - Top 100 Behaviors & Traits of Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders

Now SVL, look at your name you picked for yourself - is this really FORWARD thinking or is it a sign you like playing out the poor me role? What are You getting out of the poor me I am so lost approach? Now before you get all ticked off, feel free to wander thru my posts as I LOVE the victim corner in the drama triangle. It was a convenient corner being raised with a pack of wolves and wackos. In fact it might be a comfy corner for you too - not just in your alcohol soaked marriage. It is up to you to figure it out and change YOU.

Gale Warnings: The Karpman Drama Triangle

Study up, find a path, and plug it into your GPS! I have faith there is a backbone in you - we all come equipped.

readerbaby71

I suffer from all or nothing thinking sometimes. I have gotten much, much better since I realized that I cannot control another person's behavior or actions and that conflict does not mean it's the end of the world. Whatever happens, the only person you can control is yourself. This is NOT your fault. He made the decision to leave and although he asked you to leave him alone, mature, emotionally healthy people do not take off when their spouse or kids irritate them. Do not blame yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself. xoxoxo

ashamed2day

The friends gave u Excellent advice. Honestly this is addict behavior, let it go he is doing exactly what they do and we are the ones feeling bad. Imop it sounds like he is using but hiding it.
get ur haircut and take care of u. Ive done the same thing a million times.

Get all dolled up and tell yourself your beautiful, a strong woman and will take care if u and your baby.

ladyscribbler

It is a crazy situation. I lived that way for a long time. It wasn't until I was away from it that for awhile that I saw how much of the conflict and drama had been manufactured by my ex in order to serve his own needs. I didn't get a haircut or have a dentist appointment or really ever get put of the house by myself for over five years. A solo trip to the grocery store was like a walk on the moon for me.
I was isolated without another reliable caretaker for my children, I was the scapegoat for all of his rage. I spent all my time walking on eggshells so I wouldn't set him off, so I couldn't be blamed for whatever was going to trigger him.
But something always triggered him. There was always a reason to go on a bender, disappear, come back raging, smash furniture, punch holes in the walls, scream and curse at me. No matter what I did, even if it was exactly what he said he wanted.
There was another thread awhile ago and Amy55 said something that has stuck with me. "It was like he needed a fight and didn't want to look crazy fighting with himself." That described my ex perfectly. He was as addicted to those cycles of rage as he was to alcohol. No matter what I did, he was going to have his fight. Some of our worst episodes happened when I tried to detach and stop engaging with him.
No advice for you. He will probably be back for the "honeymoon" after he's given you a few days to be alone and stew. You might even post here- He's changed, he's like his old self. I'm so happy. Of course there will still be the subtle guilt trips, the nitpicking. So you'll resolve that this time, you'll do everything right, you'll be the perfect wife and he'll never have to drink or rage or run away again.
And the cycle will start again.
Take care of yourself. Get some rest. Hugs.

cookiesncream

Look I'm an A and even I think what your hubbie pulled was a load of garbage. This is what is known as taking PERSONAL responsibility. Now I'm no angel but one of my favorite things to do while boozing it up was to get mad, then retreat, not tell him what was wrong, and stew (and drink). While in treatment I'd vent out everything that had irritated me, frosted my cornflakes and I did a pile of whining moaning and complaining. What happened? Well I got called out on it again and again and again. "Yes Cookies your frustrations are valid. Have you told HIM what you just told US?" Ummmm no. "Why not?" Me: "ummm well I'm afraid to tell him what I'm really thinking." Pile of other people "Cookies ya gotta start expressing yourself." Eventually I DID. Now that is a sane person (took me awhile but I learned).

Your hubbie is in the throws of a pile of bad behavior, call it quacking if you like and you are buying into the whole mess.

Strongly urge you to find your own support system. You're drowning in guilt and IMHO this stuff is NOT YOUR FAULT.

SeriousKarma

Tacking on to CodeJob's observation about your choice of names, it can be an interesting clue as to how much motivation you're feeling to move yourself forward.

SVL, I remember feeling like I was walking through molasses for years. I functioned only in that I could do the basic daily things required to look like I was functioning. I fed my family, bathed, kept a clean enough house, interacted with other people, but only just enough to survive and keep up appearances. I was depressed, but I didn't realize it, it had become my norm.

The only thing that saved me, and put me on the road to seek out help, was a tiny little voice in the back of my head that said "Something's wrong. It's not ok to feel like this."

Perhaps you hear that little voice as well. If, for whatever reason, that little voice is silent then you need to listen to those of us here at SR that love you, and care about you, and have been through what you're going through. That's why we're here.

Regardless of what your husband has done in the past, or will do in the future. Regardless of how anybody treats you. You can get yourself some help for these feelings. There are good therapist that have dedicated their lives to helping people like us. Please get help. Soverylost.

PinkCloudsCharley

You're all right. I didn't cause this and i can only change myself. Soverylost means, to me, I'm not sure of my path or how I'm going to get there. But at least I know i need to get there. I need to change.

Ah has been texting me this morning. He knows he needs help. I'm not going to save him. This stops now. I apologized for not leaving him alone. His reactions were out of line. He said he knows there are consequences to his actions. He needs to get help and find his own way.

I am seeing a good counselor, only once every two weeks tho. Her basis is al anon. It'll be good for me. AH has also agreed to go to a marriage counselor that specializes in addiction

My journey starts today, here, now. I may still be so very lost but at least I have a destination.

Thank you all.