SunnySunday

Hi everyone,

This will probably be a long first post, just as a warning. I've been dating and getting to know a guy for just about a month now. Just over the last couple of weeks he has revealed that he is an alcoholic (I guess alcoholics are always alcoholics no matter how long you've been sober, you can correct me if I'm wrong) but has been sober for nearly a year since he received his first DUI. He attends AA meetings and is on track for getting his life back together. It didn't scare me away and I didn't judge. Honestly, I don't think I know what that would really mean, so I just accepted it.

Last Wednesday, he told me that he was having problems with his teeth and that he was experiencing a lot of pain. He said he had tried all the over the counter stuff and nothing was helping. You can probably see where this is going. It was night time, so I offered the idea of going to the ER to get his mouth checked out. If anything, they could give him some pain medication to get him through until he could see a dentist. He refused to go, saying that they probably won't do anything for him at night but he would go in the morning because they could refer him somewhere that was open. All in all, just excuses in hindsight. I asked him what he would do about the pain then and he said beer would help. I told him that would not be a good idea and that he should not use alcohol as a pain killer. Either bite the bullet or go to the ER. He told me not to worry and that he was going to just have a couple to take the edge off. I wish I could have stopped him, but looking back, I guess I really couldn't do anything if had already made the decision to drink. It was late, and I had my son with me, so I left his place and he called me later on to let me know he was alright and that he was going to bed.

I called him the next day to ask him if he had gone to get his mouth checked out. He said he didn't go. I asked him why and he said the pain was a lot better. I was glad the pain was better right now, but I told him he should get it checked out anyway because the underlying problem was not solved. He said he was going to go and I left it at that, trusting he would take care of it. Little did I know at that time, he was drinking to numb the pain.

This weekend, he was drunk when I called him. We had plans to go out, but I ended up going to his place and witnessed his drinking for the first time. I've never seen anything like it. I must have counted over 40 cans of beer over the coffee table, kitchen counter, floor, bathroom. The place reeked of beer. I was just at a complete loss. I'm generally a very positive, strong, and calm person, but I was feeling so overwhelmed in that moment. As for him, he's a very docile and passive drunk. At no point did I feel like I was in danger. He was not emotionally or physically abusive in any way. In fact, he confessed his love for me and his desire to marry me and have children with me some day. Of course, he's drunk so my thoughts are on the lines of he's out of his mind.

I asked him if he would stop drinking and he said no. I asked him if he was drinking because of the mouth pain and he nodded. I asked him if there was anything else triggering his drinking and he said no. I asked him to stop drinking and get sober so we could go tot he ER and get his mouth looked at, but he refused. There was nothing I could do, but I stayed for a while anyway. If he talked, it was to tell me that he loved me and that he needed a person like me in his life and that he was glad I was there. I asked him at what point would he stop drinking, and he said probably not until the morning. Well, I didn't wait until the morning. I left his place around midnight because I couldn't stand watching him drink, sleep, and drink again. He also kept saying he was ok whenever I asked. He didn't want me to leave, but I felt like I wasn't making any of a difference there and that was frustrating to me. It felt like every can of beer he opened was like a middle finger in my direction.

This morning, I felt super guilty about leaving him, especially since he told me I was he only person who knew about him slipping or relapsing or whatever you want to call it. I called and left a message to apologize for leaving but I felt overwhelmed, lost, and I just didn't know how to deal with this. I told him he could call me when he was sober if he wanted to talk and that I didn't want him to feel like I didn't want to be a friend to him. I haven't heard anything from him, but I feel like I've done all I can do.

At this point, I'm worried about him but he's also an adult and his own person. In no way do I feel responsible for him or for what happened, though I do wish I could of done something to help him so that he didn't have to resort to drinking. I've only known the guy a month, so in no way do I feel obligated to help him or continue to be in his life. However, at the same time, I feel like I should make an effort to help in whatever way I can if he allows me. I guess I'm just at a complete loss of what to do. I've never dealt with anything like this before. I do really like him, definitely not in love with him, but I don't know if I should involve myself in all this. That sounds super awful and mean, but it is what it is. I know you can't tell anyone to stop doing anything, especially a substance abuser. It's frustrating because he knows better. He knows he should not be doing this yet he is. Therefore, I feel like what can I do and what difference would my presence in his life make? I know he wants me around, but I don't feel like I can be helpful and I don't like the feeling of being helpless. I'm not going to just hang around and watch him drink. Is it worth trying to be supportive?

I guess I'm just trying to get this out of my system and hear what others who have dealt with alcoholics have to say. I feel so out of my element.

Thanks for reading my story and I appreciate any words of wisdom.

ladyscribbler

Doesn't sound like there's much here to support. He relapsed with the excuse of self medicating a toothache. He has the tools to get sober again if he wants to, he will have learned what to do in AA.
You've only been at this for a month and it's already total drama. There is literally nothing you can do to help him except detach and not enable or try to solve his problems for him. Might be time to wish him the best and move on to a relationship with a healthier person.

AnvilheadII

at JUST about a MONTH in, I think you've seen enough eh? he's a big boy, he knows he has a problem, he even states that he attends AA - he has all the tools he needs at his disposal. his alcoholism was there LONG before you came along.

Eauchiche

If I had seen what you've seen in just a month, OH how my life would be different now.

If you stay with this man, you are inviting a life of misery. You are more than welcome to read my posts if you would like to see how you will feel after 14 years of it.

The hell of it, is that I still love him. I remember the great times we had together before he disappeared into his own little world, totally insulated from feelings.

RUN don't walk away. Get into AlAnon and find out why you are attracted to addicts.

Santa

Almost laughed out loud here...not funny but the stuff alcoholics come up with is priceless sometimes. Said with wide innocent eyes no doubt.

One month? Hightail it away pronto. You don't have to apologize and you don't have to explain. Rejoice! You just dodged a bullet.

SunnySunday

I'm realizing I'm fortunate to have encountered this issue early. It's frustrating as hell to meet someone who's perfect in every way except for this complicated disease. Just my luck, lol. There's no way I want to be involved in a romantic relationship anymore, but I guess I don't know if it's worth simply being there for him if he needs it. I can't shake the feeling of abandoning him and I'm still worried about him. In no way would I baby him or try to solve his problems. I was raised on tough love and no one can help you if you don't care for yourself.

honeypig

Hi, SunnySunday--you sound like you have your head squarely on your shoulders. Good for you!

The things I bolded above are, to me, the important things in your post. First of all, he did NOT "have to resort to drinking." If in fact he really did have mouth pain, you offered another way to deal with it; he chose not to take it. He had already made the decision to drink and came up w/an excuse. Every single swallow of beer was a conscious decision on his part. No one forced him.

Second, you do NOT sound "super awful and mean." Why on earth would you be expected to sacrifice your own happiness for someone you scarcely know who A) is an adult and able to care for himself, or SHOULD be, and B) knows exactly how to get help if he wants it? He was probably telling the truth, he does need "someone like you in his life"--someone to clean up his messes, to pay his bills, to cover for him to family, friends and work...

You've made the right decision in leaving this guy behind. If you have any doubts about that, just read for a while here. Untreated alcoholism is progressive, and what you experienced was a taste of the best it would ever be in that relationship. Again, you're smart to realize you can't be his savior, and ruining your own life won't make his any better.

I'm glad you came here now instead of years later, beaten down, exhausted and torn to shreds mentally, physically and emotionally from the living hell of a relationship w/an active A. Plenty of stories here will bear that out.

Wishing you strength and clarity, SunnySunday!

honeypig

He's got a whole support system in AA if he chooses to use it. They have walked the walk and can help him like no one else--IF he chooses to work his program. It's HIS responsibility, not yours.

Check these threads:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

SunnySunday

I absolutely agree and realize this. It's all his. But it's really good to see others agree and reinforce my feelings so I don't feel like a jerk.

Oh goodness! Thank you for translating that! That's a someone I don't want to be and refuse to be for him.

Santa

No, it isn't. No, no, no. Did I say no?

You could wake up one day and realize you spent a decade or two being there for him if he needed it, and boy did he ever need a crutch because he sure did not want to stop drinking.

SunnySunday

You make a very good point. It seems it's very sacrifice all or nothing. It'd be difficult to determine some sort of cutoff point. He still hasn't made any communication back which I'm ok with and kinda hope he doesn't at this point. I don't know what I would say at this point. Maybe it's be best to not even pick up.

DMC

Perhaps not. A lot of us would love to be in your position and take the "road less traveled" as it were. That's a lot of red flags, and a month is hardly an investment.

Cut and run, my dear. And break out the good old "it's not you, it's me" line if you have to.

Good luck, and hope that you don't need our expertise again!

lillamy

I'm just going to ditto what everyone else said. And what you yourself already know. I wouldn't try to be there for him -- he knows what he needs to do.

I have an old friend who's a recovering alcoholic. I haven't seen him in 20 years, but he calls me every time he relapses. Every. Stinking. Time. And I always say the same thing, "You know what to do, you know it's all in your hands. I love you. Bye." And then he crawls back to AA in a week or a month, sobers up, rinse and repeat. Sometimes he calls me four times a year, sometimes a year goes by without him calling.

The only thing you can do by staying in touch is getting you and your son sucked into the dysfunction. Trust me, there are single men out there who are amazing and sweet and don't have addiction problems.

Hammer

ummmm no.

They do not tend to "Perfect in Every way . . . " They are generally more likely very self-centered users who are VERY accomplished Liars and Cons.

You are only seeing what is being selectively presented to you at the surface. You have NO IDEA is what being kept hidden from you, yet.

Wait to see the REST of the iceberg.

SunnySunday

This really hit me. I don't want to find myself back here starting another thread and there's only one way to guarantee I won't. I know what I need to do now and am confident going forward without this person in my life and not feeling like I'm giving up or abandoning him.

Thank you, everyone, for your wise insight and advice. This forum is really great and I'm so glad I stumbled upon it. I've learned a great deal in the past 48 hours. I appreciate all the direct and indirect support and strength. I know I will be forever grateful.

From the bottom of my heart,
T

SunnySunday

I didn't even think about this because I was so unaware of their behaviors and trusted him to be honest. I guess I'm a bit naive and take people at face value but this has been a very valuable lesson.

lillamy

Me too. Right there with you.

And I think the difference between you and me is that you ran into rampant alcoholism and went "Oh, this is SO not what I want in my life" -- which is a healthy reaction. My reaction was "Oh but I'll be so embarrassed to break off the engagement and run home with my tail between my legs so I'm just gonna go through with marrying this guy." Which was a very, very bad decision.

You pat yourself on the back -- twice -- for saving yourself. AND your son.

SunnySunday

I think I'm just fortunate that I witnessed his drinking early on, and of course reached out to this forum. I had no idea what alcoholism could mean in a relationship. He said he had been sober for months and seemed so dedicated to getting his life together. He seemed like he had his head straight and I couldn't even imagine him drunk. I can totally understand how much harder it would be to leave when you're in well established relationship and are in love. I already felt as bad as I did and I hardly know the guy. He may have been in love with me, but I am certainly not in love with him and not going to love someone just because they say they love me.