He left
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by soverylost 
Very bad night. He wanted to be left alone. After four hours i talked to him. Wrong decision. He wasn't even drinking. He completely lost it. Our daughter phoned her cousin, and my bil then lost it on ah. Now ah is saying the family is done. He left for a hotel.
Our family is ruined and it's all my fault. My fault because he wanted to be left alone and I didn't. I talked to him. Why couldn't i have just shut up like he wanted? He wasn't even drinking!! He's been sober for three nights now and this is how I thank him?
My family is ruined. I'm lost.
Our family is ruined and it's all my fault. My fault because he wanted to be left alone and I didn't. I talked to him. Why couldn't i have just shut up like he wanted? He wasn't even drinking!! He's been sober for three nights now and this is how I thank him?
My family is ruined. I'm lost.
I lived in craziness for a long time to, and my "norm" got turned upside down as well. It is hard when everything in the household revolves around someone who is a cyclone of destruction.
What do you want? What would make you happy?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by soverylost
You're all right. I didn't cause this and i can only change myself. Soverylost means, to me, I'm not sure of my path or how I'm going to get there. But at least I know i need to get there. I need to change.
Ah has been texting me this morning. He knows he needs help. I'm not going to save him. This stops now. I apologized for not leaving him alone. His reactions were out of line. He said he knows there are consequences to his actions. He needs to get help and find his own way.
I am seeing a good counselor, only once every two weeks tho. Her basis is al anon. It'll be good for me. AH has also agreed to go to a marriage counselor that specializes in addiction
My journey starts today, here, now. I may still be so very lost but at least I have a destination.
Thank you all.
Ah has been texting me this morning. He knows he needs help. I'm not going to save him. This stops now. I apologized for not leaving him alone. His reactions were out of line. He said he knows there are consequences to his actions. He needs to get help and find his own way.
I am seeing a good counselor, only once every two weeks tho. Her basis is al anon. It'll be good for me. AH has also agreed to go to a marriage counselor that specializes in addiction
My journey starts today, here, now. I may still be so very lost but at least I have a destination.
Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
An A is going to do what A wants to do. What we need to realize, is that we cant own what they do. They need to own it. they will come back and act like it never happened.
What I have learned thru the years, until they get sober and work a program nothing will be normal in our lives. What they do to us is not acceptable behavior, but we tolerate and act like this happens in every home, and blame ourselves. It doesn't happen in regular homes. Your husband stopped drinking but is not getting any help. That is called a dry drunk. He will act the same way, as if he was drinking. They need to change their brain Along with not drinking, they have to work together.
It will Never change until we get help and they get help. It stinks. I have sat for over 20 years thinking my A would listen to me and get help. It didn't work. 20 years later I am divorcing my husband because I can no longer deal with it. He has made me crazy along with my 2 kids. The only thing u can do for your A is Nothing. U r dealing with a disease, not your husband. They say love does not cure alcoholism. Sad but 20 years later, it's true. If I new 20 years ago that alcoholism was progressive and my life would not get any better, I would have hoped I would have run, and run fast. But I didn't. My journey in life has been forever changed by this man I love, who will eventually die from this disease. Sad but my story.
I wish you luck in your journey. All I can say is don't blame yourself for any of this. You r the sane one, not him. ((((((((Hugs)))))))
What I have learned thru the years, until they get sober and work a program nothing will be normal in our lives. What they do to us is not acceptable behavior, but we tolerate and act like this happens in every home, and blame ourselves. It doesn't happen in regular homes. Your husband stopped drinking but is not getting any help. That is called a dry drunk. He will act the same way, as if he was drinking. They need to change their brain Along with not drinking, they have to work together.
It will Never change until we get help and they get help. It stinks. I have sat for over 20 years thinking my A would listen to me and get help. It didn't work. 20 years later I am divorcing my husband because I can no longer deal with it. He has made me crazy along with my 2 kids. The only thing u can do for your A is Nothing. U r dealing with a disease, not your husband. They say love does not cure alcoholism. Sad but 20 years later, it's true. If I new 20 years ago that alcoholism was progressive and my life would not get any better, I would have hoped I would have run, and run fast. But I didn't. My journey in life has been forever changed by this man I love, who will eventually die from this disease. Sad but my story.
I wish you luck in your journey. All I can say is don't blame yourself for any of this. You r the sane one, not him. ((((((((Hugs)))))))
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by soverylost
You're all right. I didn't cause this and i can only change myself. Soverylost means, to me, I'm not sure of my path or how I'm going to get there. But at least I know i need to get there. I need to change.
My journey starts today, here, now. I may still be so very lost but at least I have a destination.
My journey starts today, here, now. I may still be so very lost but at least I have a destination.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm just going to leave this here. It's the Power and Control Wheel used show domestic violence victims that what consider normal really is abuse. Your AH's behavior fits on here in many places. Many women who claim to be striving to be good, godly wives find themselves locked into this wheel. It's eye-opening when you finally allow yourself to understand it.
UIC Campus Advocacy Network
UIC Campus Advocacy Network
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Thank you everyone. Ah is back at home and we had a good talk. I'm not putting up with sh*t anymore. I am setting boundaries and he is well aware, my belief is that a boundary should be stated in plain view so when it is crossed there is no surprise on the part of the person who crossed it. He is abusive when he drinks, and so that will be a strictly enforced boundary.
He has also agreed to marriage counseling with an addiction specialist. Out first session is Sept 29, the earliest date available. Until then I will work hard on my boundaries and just myself, learning how to value myself and love myself.
I got a new haircut, today I'm dyeing it a fun red colour. I'm taking care of me.
feels strange but oh so good!
I am not to blame for his actions, i didn't cause it, i can't control it and I can't cure it, and I will no longer contribute to it.
He has also agreed to marriage counseling with an addiction specialist. Out first session is Sept 29, the earliest date available. Until then I will work hard on my boundaries and just myself, learning how to value myself and love myself.
I got a new haircut, today I'm dyeing it a fun red colour. I'm taking care of me.
feels strange but oh so good!I am not to blame for his actions, i didn't cause it, i can't control it and I can't cure it, and I will no longer contribute to it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by soverylost
learning how to value myself and love myself.
Thanks for letting us be with you, soverylost. I know that this has been a real rough patch, and there will probably still be some rough patches to come. I hope you let us support you as you move forward.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. It sounds like you're taking back the power and control in your own life, which is empowering. Not only do you realize that you do not deserve to be treated this way, but that you WILL NOT be treated like this in the future (by him or anyone else). You sound strong and determined, and I'm glad you are taking a stance for your well-being. You deserve it.
Hugs
Hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by soverylost
Thank you everyone. Ah is back at home and we had a good talk. I'm not putting up with sh*t anymore. I am setting boundaries and he is well aware, my belief is that a boundary should be stated in plain view so when it is crossed there is no surprise on the part of the person who crossed it. He is abusive when he drinks, and so that will be a strictly enforced boundary.
He has also agreed to marriage counseling with an addiction specialist. Out first session is Sept 29, the earliest date available. Until then I will work hard on my boundaries and just myself, learning how to value myself and love myself.
I got a new haircut, today I'm dyeing it a fun red colour. I'm taking care of me. feels strange but oh so good!
I am not to blame for his actions, i didn't cause it, i can't control it and I can't cure it, and I will no longer contribute to it.
He has also agreed to marriage counseling with an addiction specialist. Out first session is Sept 29, the earliest date available. Until then I will work hard on my boundaries and just myself, learning how to value myself and love myself.
I got a new haircut, today I'm dyeing it a fun red colour. I'm taking care of me.
feels strange but oh so good!I am not to blame for his actions, i didn't cause it, i can't control it and I can't cure it, and I will no longer contribute to it.
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