doureallycare2

So where to start? I'm loss, is that a good starting point?
My history: Daughter of an alcoholic Dad (abandon us- married 5 times etc.)

I always considered myself a woman who loves God with all her heart, a former youth leader of 20 years. Until my husband had an affair with our church organist and friend. (What the church didn’t know was that this was one of over 20 affairs) Any ways we separated, they were unrepentant and underwent church discipline. I was separated from him for two years until he had congestive heart failure. I then took him back (left my church at his request) and nursed him. That lasted for 8 years. 2 years ago he had another affair. I filed for divorce. he lives with the woman he was having an affair with but contacts me about how unhappy he is.

So what's going on now? I have fallen farther than I ever thought I could ever fall....Several months after my 2 year long divorce was final and I thought I was actually healed but just lonely, I joined an on line dating site (that was just about a year ago). I cant tell you how many men I have dated, at first I was very picky.. had to be a Christian, had to have certain moral attributes. Very gradually as I was not finding anyone to "fit the bill" my stringent "dating guideline’s" fell by the wayside (and so did most of my moral guidelines I always adhered to). The man I'm dating now seemed to have a form of religion and that was good enough after all he believes in God and Jesus that's what counts right (sarcastic)? We have had a "relationship" for 6 months now. he came on very strong very fast. he met my family with in weeks and I met his family and friends within a month. I just met his friends last month (drunks).

I think he is probably an alcoholic (most nights when he calls he said he has had a few and slurs his words- he also forgets conversations), he smokes pot, lives in his basement of a house he has been building for 3 years now (still just has a very basic basement, no bathroom, no walls separating rooms etc...) and his last girlfriend died of mysterious circumstances on his property 2 years ago.( drowned in his pond after a relationship argument). Of course all these things were more than red flags...

However he was the handsomest, youngest, and manliest of all the men I dated and he wanted me! He found me beautiful! he not only complimented my 54 year old (out of shape and overweight) body, but he complimented my character and my heart. I have never had a man spend so much time on the phone with me.. yes its always about him but sometimes he complements me. Of course I learned really quickly not to give an opinion as he told me that my mouth needs to be duck taped when I say something so naïve or stupid. he will say a complement like he cant stop thinking about me' I'm to beautiful for words" then he will say right after "that's why I worry if you lose the weight you need to. Ill lose you...." The first time that it happened I called him on it.. I don't anymore.

We talk on the phone 2-3 hours every night (he drinks through the conversation)and I have to be there to take his calls. He hated it if I went to dinner with friends so I gradually stopped doing that. I refused to stop doing things with my family though and that is a constant problem with us.. I have slowly stopped going to something's (like graduation parties ect.) and have drastically reduced any time with friends. I go home every night just to talk with him. He is very jealous, always thinks I'm looking for another man. (he just seems to like to pick fights over the phone- 1/3 of the conversation is always negative.

If he is displeased he would withhold affection and conversations.. Everything very quickly seems as though its on his terms. if he doesn't want to see me over the weekend we don't get together, he will not make set plans with me (and mocks and ridicules me that I need or want set plants) he will say we will see for Saturday, maybe dinner, maybe you spending the night at my house (usually will not happen). Many times the dates would be cancelled even if they were planned. I tried ending it twice before. Only to answered his calls once he has assured me that he loves me. I had to keep it a secret from family that I was seeing him again. 54 years old and I'm lying, having exciting sex , yet scared to death because I know I have to end it. We go weeks with out seeing each other, right now it has been almost a month because he got mad at me for going camping with my family.

Summer is very hectic for him.. he has priorities, cleaning his pond, cutting trees, drinking with his friends. All this yet I'm scared to really end it with him, I feel guilty. He needs me. he's a lost soul.. the only time he sees his daughters is when they need money. all his friends are drunks and dope heads. and he's alone every night in this unfinished basement.. How can he live that way...

I realize that I never healed from the loss of my marriage, what I feel at the inevitable loss of this newest relationship is just added on to all this other grief... I'm lost, I'm alone... I cry out. I seek my Lord but he seems far from me. Who is the sorrowful person that needs saving, me or him?

Anyways, how can I hope that anyone understands the turmoil of loving this man that seems so controlling yet vulnerable?

ladyscribbler

This honestly doesn't sound like much of a relationship. More like a booty call when it 's convenient for him with a helping of emotional and verbal abuse on the side to keep you in line.
The sweet words are just that, words. He is not backing them up with any action that demonstrates love.
This is a grown man, making his own choices. He does not NEED you in order to function in the world. This would be a good time to examine why being needed is enough to keep you hooked in an abusive relationship.
You have ended it with him before. Try doing that again like you mean it. End it and go no contact so you don't get reeled back in. Keep posting here to maintain your resolve and instead of jumping into another relationship right away get some counseling in order to heal yourself from your abandonment issues. Alanon would also be a great place for you to begin rebuilding your self esteem.
Being alone does not have to be lonely. Learning to love yourself is the best, most healing thing you can do right now. Then you will be able to stop looking outside yourself for happiness.
Hugs.

doureallycare2

I guess I look at all the times in the beginning of the relationship that he wanted to see me a couple of times a week. We did not rush into sex. Also, How can he talk on the phone with me all night long and have any other relationships? but the more I'm looking at it the more I'm thinking he doesn't want a relationship although he says he wants me to move in with him.

SparkleKitty

He sounds extremely controlling and manipulative. If you really feel you are still dealing with the feelings from your marriage dissolving, then you might want to consider dealing with those issues before getting into another relationship. Relationships don't heal or complete us, whatever the movies say. It's only when we heal and feel ourselves complete on our own that we are ready to find someone to share ourselves with. I know it feels daunting to start over, but the loving relationship you build with yourself is far more fulfilling that settling for whoever pays attention to you and the crumbs they offer in the long run.

ladyscribbler

Move into his basement lair? I think he knows you're going to say no to that and is just telling you things he thinks you want to hear. Or he's hoping to move in to your place and sponge off you.
Being forced to spend three hours a night on the phone fighting with a drunk sounds like torture to me. You would be better off spending that time with friends who treat you with respect.
I think you know that you deserve better. Look at your OP where you describe how far you had to lower your standards in order to get into a relationship with this guy. He is not worth breaking your heart over.
Match.com is not the answer to your problems. I too was a relationship addict, grew up with an alcoholic father who emotionally abandoned me as a child. As long as I looked for relationships to fix everything that was twisted up inside me I stayed broken. This last year I have taken time to heal myself with therapy and Alanon step work and it has done more for me than any of those relationships I used to seek out so desperately.

Live

This guy is just made up of red flags..alcoholism, dope, and classic type domestic abuser.
It will only get worse. And it will mess you up.

Please heed them, respect yourself and get free of this.

doureallycare2

I get it I really do... That's why I'm reaching out for help. I have my first therapy session next Wednesday... how to get through this weekend though.... I'm not contacting him but I want to so bad...I actually needed this last relationship to recognize how very afraid and as you say relationship addicted. I always thought I fighting the good fight with staying in my marriage. But really I'm just realizing I was afraid of being alone...afraid no one can really love me...after all I must be totally unlovable that my dad, stepfather, husband and now this guy have all treated me like I'm crap. My logical brain says what a lie that is but I think deep down I truly believe it.... So counseling here I come. I always thought I was such a strong woman.. And I'm just a ball of mush...

SparkleKitty

You are strong. All those people you think you weren't good enough for? They are the weak ones. Here you are, recognizing your situation and wanting something better. Change isn't immediate and it's a lot of hard work but it starts right here with what you're doing.

I found that during the hardest times when I just wanted to get through without contacting people who weren't good for me - binge watching television shows (especially funny ones, but anything engaging will do) helped a lot, as well as identifying and spending as much time as I could with positive people, people who loved and accepted me just as I was, warts and all. The people in our lives are mirrors, they reflect back on us the traits we most like or don't like about ourselves. Be very picky with your mirrors right now. Soon these weekends won't be so daunting. It was not long before I learned to LOVE being on my own. I know that sounds insane to you right now, but I promise, it really happened!!!

ladyscribbler

Lots of members have gotten through the initial difficult no contact period by posting on here when they feel tempted. I've also seen the suggestion to make a list of all the bad stuff the person has done to you or said to you and refer to that when you feel nostalgic.
You were strong enough to come on here and share and reach out for help. I think you're going to be fine.
Check out the stickies at the top of the page. There are some really informative ones on relationships, abuse and unacceptable behavior.
Hugs and strength to you.

Justwantnormal

This honestly sounds like a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath. I would do some research on the common characteristics and see how many he matches. A friend of mine was married to a sociopath (who was also an alcoholic). That relationship ended when he murdered their son and then took his own life. I'd follow your gut on what happened to his ex and GET OUT. I'd also recommended a couple books - Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much. I think you're on the right path when you acknowledge you haven't dealt with your past. I'm also the daughter of an alcoholic, but interestingly enough it's my mother's codependency issues that have caused the biggest problems in my own life.

doureallycare2

How Terrible! how does one ever recover from something like that?

I looked up the characteristics of a sociopath and only a few of them sounded like him.. However he fits 18 out of the 20 for a narcissist. I really don't think he killed his x but my thoughts are leaning that he drove her crazy. his words of her was that she was naïve, sweet, needy. abused buy her x husband and then she gets involved with him and he says he told her from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship with her, however she kept throwing herself at him and he's Only a man. That 6 months in she wanted marriage and for him to say he loved her. he wouldn't, they argued he slept in truck that night and went to work in the morning with out checking on her. when he got home from work found her in the pond that is located at the bottom of a very steep, wooded hill located about 3 feet away from his door to his basement.

theuncertainty

Sending ((((hugs)))) Doyoureallycare2. You've mentioned that you know there are more than red flags with this guy. Please, please heed those red flags rather than your feelings of guilt and obligation. This guy is beyond scary.

I felt the same way about AXH, whom I was with for 16 years, nearly 10 of those married. Not initially, but as our relationship progressed, it changed to that. He _needed_ me. He needed some one who understood him, to believe in him, someone who could show him all of the good in him. I brushed aside his abusive behavior as a side-effect of his drinking, of a(nother) bad day at work, of stress related to job/family/job loss... I also started to believe that it was my fault that he treated me the way he did. I _must_ have done something callous, or uncaring, stupid or hurtful - unknowingly, repeatedly. Otherwise why would he, who loved me, complimented me, thought I was so smart one minute, turn around and belittle me or hurt me the next? So I completely understand your statement:

And even when I finally left him - after years of verbal and mental abuse, of living in fear of making him upset, of months of sexual abuse - I still felt guilty for leaving him to fend for himself.

But there was nothing that I could do to make him happy, to make him believe in himself, to make him stop drinking or to make him stop being abusive. And there was nothing that I was doing that was causing any of his drinking or abusive behavior. He wasn't vulnerable - or if he was, he was using it as a weapon to keep me tied to him. And the guilt that I felt wasn't something that I needed to hold onto. It didn't help me; it just kept me tied to a dangerous man.

Two books that have really helped me work through getting away from him were: "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and "But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship" by Joanna Hunter.

Take care of yourself. You do deserve so much better.

doureallycare2

Thank you for that... You captured it perfectly. That is the reason Im trying to end this for the 3rd and final time... all this drama in just 6 short months. I think how can I be this attached to someone I wouldn't have even looked at or would have thought a girlfriend dating him was crazy.... But this is me... me? That's why I say I don't know myself.. I have to come to a peaceful center... I have had thoughts of suicide. Not over him per say but over what I have become... the confusion is overwhelming. I have to do this but in so many ways I don't want to give up on him even at the risk of myself. I have meaningful things to live for. My son and daughter in law just had a daughter last month (they are out of state unfortunately). This man filled me up.. he filled up the lonely nights with assurances that my x husband was crazy for cheating on me. He couldn't get enough of me, I needed that...And now that I know more about him I feel like I used him and now I will abandon him when he needs me. yet I know... I know.... I cant fix him,.. I couldn't fix my x's sexual addiction, I couldn't fix my fathers alcoholism and abuse... I just want to prove to my self that I can, that I am woman enough to help this one turn away.. how stupid is that...? Or Wonder if what it all comes down to maybe he isn't an alcoholic (just likes to drink a lot) and I'm the one that's crazy? or as he says needy?

theuncertainty

It's not stupid. It probably wasn't even a conscious decision to feel like you could help him, that you needed to help. It wasn't in my case - I didn't realize it until after I left and had been seeing a therapist for a while.

I think we all (here at SR Friends & Family) have gone through that thought process: is s/he really an alcoholic? Maybe... it's just me having a problem with him liking to drink so much. The short of it is: if you have a problem with it and don't want to live your life where alcohol is such a point of focus, then it's a problem. And you're free to say that you won't live that way.

How are you right now? Have the thoughts of suicide left? If not, please seek help; keep reaching out for support. Is there anything you want to talk about? Either on this thread or you can PM me if you'd like.

AnvilheadII

ok, i stopped at the "last girlfriend drowned in his pool after argument." there is NOTHING GOOD here at all, he is controlling, dominating, insecure, drinks to access, i suspect drug use on top of it, lives in a house that is barely habitable, tells you that you need to lose weight, where you can go, what you can do......

end it, end it now, swiftly and be glad you are free from this man. he is not your solution.

you now know you need more time to heal. men are not the answer here....support groups, therapy, journaling, THOSE are the things that can help you heal and grow strong. you shouldn't feel the need to hide like a teenager at 54. but you suffered terribly in the past in your last relationship and haven't set that burden down yet.

do so, starting now. shake off the last six months and get busy with the rest of your life!!!

atalose

If I were your sister I’d tell you to snap out of it – see it for what it really is and NOT what you wished for it to be.

Stop calling him and change your # or block him from contacting you – a clean break so you can finally recover once and for all and talk with a therapist about why you settled for so little and gave up so much of your family and friends in that process.

And I would tell you, this is a grown man who didn’t YOU before YOU came along and YOU are not his salvation, it’s not your job to save him – it’s his and only if he wants saving. You can’t fix another human being.

Then I would give you a great big hug and tell you I’m there for you and will support you in getting over this relationship as long as you are willing to help yourself.
((hugs))

doureallycare2

The Uncertainty: Yes the suicide thoughts have left for the most part.. Thank you.. Depression is a little lighter but still oppressive.

Anvilhead: I actually printed off your response- I am going to look at it in my week moments.. I do hear myself.. I know how crazy this sounds..... I wanted something to fix the hurt and jumped off a cliff. I have to do this.. I want a better life! I have to stop making excuses for him and stop beating myself up...

honeypig

doureallycare, you might find some help in these threads:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html

As others have said, this is NOT a man who is relationship material. He is sick and abusive. Please do find help for yourself. You sound as if you need answers, but expecting them to come from him is only going to continue to beat you down and make you miserable.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

mistory5

Sounds like your straight up addicted to this man! I say run for the hills and don't look back...you might turn into a pillar of salt. God bless and remember He will never leave you nor forsake you.

theuncertainty

So glad to hear this. If it gets heavier, I would very much encourage you to share it with you counselor when you see her/him. It came in waves for me. There were days where it wasn't even a blip on my radar and then days where ending it was all I could think of.

Suicide: Read This First

was one link that helped me on some very dark days and there are links and numbers to hotlines on that site as well.

Just knowing that it's not just that I was weak and crazy took some of the weight off my mind and heart, and the Lundy Bancroft and Joanna Hunter books were so, so helpful, too.