autumn1554

Funny how even when you want to make changes in life, see the value in making those changes, it is still often times so hard to follow through with it. Old habits die hard... This seems to be the case for everyone in everyday life really (How many people out there were horrified the first time they caught themselves with one of their parent's less then ideal traits!?? noooo!!!)

It's so easy to say to yourself, "I hate this, I'll make the change." You know you have the ability to change (hopefully), what you can do to start making the change (hopefully), the desire to change (hopefully).

I hope, that I will always have hope.

TheDoctor

I'm very impressed with this forum already. I've been here 5 minutes but already I find this post that I agree with totally. Understanding addiction puts everything into perspective - if you understand your enemy, you can work out ways to fight and defeat it. Also, understanding how addiction works allows people to be less hard on themselves and others.

Living close to addiction is always hard on relatives and friends, so if they understand why you do what you do, and the forces that you are battling against every day, it helps them to cope with the reality they find themselves in.

I hope to learn a lot from all of the members here. And if I can also help anyone else at the same time, that will be a bonus.

seek

I understand the point of this thread is that it is non-productive to keep banging your head against the wall, BUT, literally, people are changed every day by a random comment . . . and metaphysically, things that are "put out in the universe" have an effect . . . they cannot not have an effect . . . so there are a few ways to look at this issue . . . but from an AA perspective, I "get" it . . .

Titanic

Generally, words are wasted weapons against this disease.

CanfixONLYme

Thank you Pelican for this post! It's an oldie but a def. goodie!!

CanfixONLYme

This thread is a good wake up call for me as a recovering Codie... How I act towards my family, friends but esp. to my former in-laws and other people on this forum seeking their own recovery.

Hugs to all this Sunday hope you are enjoying your extra hour!

.

birdsing

This is very helpful and scary at the same time. ...
This is my first day on the forum: I've been trying to talk my husband into understanding that his drinking is destroying our marriage. He told me today he wants a divorce. He told me the reason is so that I don't point out all of his issues. He said" don't you want that too". We've been married for 20 years and just built our "retirement home" on 20 acres. I've always been the main breadwinner in the family but lost my job 3 years ago. I have a very low paying close to home job that allows me the extra home time I didn't have for so long. I'm scared. Starting over, our savings and selling the house and I guess looking for a better job. Obviously saying those things over and over about how he needs to stop drinking didn't work.
How do you not say it....

LexieCat

You just stop saying it. You start focusing on what YOU want out of life.

There is exactly one person in the whole world we can control, and that is ourselves.

Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, I suggest you find a meeting (or several) and get started. It was a real lifesaver for me when I was in a scary situation with an alcoholic husband who went back to drinking after almost dying of it.

Don't put the "for sale" sign on your house just yet. It sounds as if he was just saying that to get you off his back. So get off his back, and work on getting your own head clear so you can decide what you want for yourself and how to go about making that happen.

Just one thing to be aware of: making him stop drinking is NOT one of the options!

Welcome, glad you are here.

Fathom

I'm bumping this thread today because it is one of my favorites. It was one of the first threads I read here, and I found I could relate it so powerfully. This was my Codie behavior that was keeping me enmeshed with my AH and not allowing me to detach with love. I thought, "Surely, I just haven't been clear about what I think he should be doing. If he understood my vision, then he would certainly fall in line with what I want."

I have rarely started a new thread on SR, but have instead spent my time reading and learning, and responding when I thought I had something to share. When I do respond, I keep the lessons of detachment firmly in my heart. I know that I am entitled to voice my opinion and to share my experiences, but I should do so with love in my heart and with no expectations that my words will be acted upon. This is a skill that has been useful to me at work, and with my family and friends. Thank you for letting me practice on all of you. . I have learned more here than I thought possible.

Hugs, All!
Fathom

josepejv

Great point as most of us have to deal with family ( or consider ) harder when u give a dam or we would be zen

Shyladylinda

A very helpful thread and so much to digest, but let me just say I am an advocate of balance. They can not understand until it is the time, but they also do not hear until it is time. Balance between the giving and receiving of SESH demands repetition with discretion in order for the information to be available when the listener is ready to learn. I guess praying for the ability to trust HP that when the student is ready the teacher will appear.
Thank you,
Linda

josepejv

Hp?

Seren

HP means Higher Power

Rosiepetal

Thank you for sharing Pelican.
Always nice to hear from you.
Hugs.

AuntieSoso

I'm new to the forums, and went to the "read this first" and here I am and boy howdy is it timely for me. I bang my head against a wall trying to get through to someone and don't understand why they don't listen to me when they ask me for my advice. I obsess over it in my head and it just ties me up in knots. Time to let it go. Detach. I really don't want to be sucked into someone's drama, yet it keeps happening again and again and I end up in the same place. I think I'll learn a lot here!

Hopeworks

At certain points in my 4 years with my XA I would notice that my millions of words were not working so I would resort to throwing things (like found hidden beer bottles), loading him up in the back of my car and shoving him out in the driveway of detox or even pulling a gun and daring him to pick up his next drink.

Happily he didn't pick up the bottle and instead hightailed across the country to Vegas where he made a valiant effort to either drink himself to death or get his by a car on the strip staggering across blacked out.

My brilliant orating accomplished nothing. 2 MORE years of homelessness, jails, hospital emergency rooms had a small impact but he just got sober on his own. The worst alkie on the planet shared his secret...

He decided he wanted to break up with alcohol for good and he prayed to his HP. The miracle happened and I was 2500 miles away and I can't take any credit.

Imagine that. He didn't need me after all.

So... have to agree with the OP on this topic... reluctantly I admit that only God and the A control recovery... talk is cheap on both sides and it is action on both sides that bring healthy change.

If I had a do over... I would have listened to those on this site that tried to "splain" this stuff to me...but I blocked all that out too! Just kept nagging and manipulating until he finally, mercifully left the state to try to kill himself one drunken day at a time.

I keep hanging around here because as I see the absurdity of my actions from those years I keep peeling the onion layers of codie behavior off of me... giving too much advice and repeating myself to trigger threads (abuse and kids as I have also suffered both) is something I have to work on...

Wonder how many years this will take? Just kidding...

iamthird

I love being able to read a thread and it is just what I needed to get me through the day. Thank you for the reminders.

Lakedays

I am bumping this thread... I think it is invaluable, especially perhaps as we come into the week of Christmas - lots of opportunity for watcheful eyes, struggling with trying to create the most carefully worded statements - so you only have to say it once if indeed you've said it perfectly. Wishing upon wish not to be misunderstood and have everything you say seen as some attack. Being able to walk away with the confidence to believe you don't need to make yourself heard. Things is... my entire family and extended family thinks they can just talk to convince you about their opinion about anything! Politics, humanitarian efforts in Uganda, Obama-care, anything but the actual elephant in the room. We never talk about that as a group. My point is... I think I was raised by a family of salesmen and it is the job of the salesmen to get you to buy, whether it's a car, a stock or an idea or conviction.

Let's just say to not engage you spend a lot of time walking away.. and the next thing you know you've isolated yourself with the constant refrain of "we can agree to disagree." And the truth is: even I can't explain why I've stayed thru too many relapses and treatments to keep accurate count. I feel incredibly alienated from everyone. And for some reason, even though I scream it from the rooftops that I know nothing the AH does is my fault or doing, I still feel that it is.

I feel like everything I say has to be perfect. There is no room for me to stumble or else everyone in my immediate family pounces on me. My son has said I am the root cause of our family problems as if living with a habitual relapser should leave me a trusting and secure person that just rides the waves of life. They have no idea all that I hid from them because in my case, my AH is a binge drinker who hasn't been drunk in front of anyone in at least 15 years. His legal issues, however, are epic. I have tried to succinctly say things... but see? I just feel the need to explain how and why I feel from all angles to legitimize my feelings at all! How can I stop it. I mean just stop it and not end up feeling so dejected and disrepected and .. ultimately, hated.

So, I'm bumping this thread. Or maybe I should just link it in a brand new thread?

love4menotu

Thank you I needed to re-read this thread today.

I need to remember that if I say something to my partner more than once I'm saying it for me, which essentially means I'm just talking to myself.

INgal

This really speaks to me, thank you!