I never changed anybody with my words...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
It's what Codies DO.. LOL.
Originally Posted by kittykitty 
I'm guilty of it as well, i find myself still saying things to people and thinking i'm getting a message across, even though I'm not. When I'm most suseptable to making these bad choices is when I'm hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Thats when i slip right back into my "i know everything" mode. So much work to do....
Guilty of posting inappropriately, thinking I'm "helping", as well as many others have stated. Who knows? Maybe there is a bit of really helping tho just by stirring up things so others can re-evaluate their OWN take on things. ( ? )
HUGS,
Kim
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
From Trapeze 10/29/09 I'm totally GUILTY - sorry! 
Great thread.
When I first came here, I noticed how some folks (don't remember who, not talking about anyone in particular) posted like they had everyone's problems figured out. I was a bit put off, then I remembered that this particular forum likely has a lot of codies. Heck, just look at the number of posts compared to the other forums. So I decided to lighten up. It also made me look at myself and contemplate a bit more before i hit the post quick reply button. I'm trying to practice restraint with RAH, but boy, is it a hard habit to break!
We are all works in progress. Thanks for the reminder.
When I first came here, I noticed how some folks (don't remember who, not talking about anyone in particular) posted like they had everyone's problems figured out. I was a bit put off, then I remembered that this particular forum likely has a lot of codies. Heck, just look at the number of posts compared to the other forums. So I decided to lighten up. It also made me look at myself and contemplate a bit more before i hit the post quick reply button. I'm trying to practice restraint with RAH, but boy, is it a hard habit to break!
We are all works in progress. Thanks for the reminder.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: WV
Posts: 1
Exactly what I needed!
:Hi---
I just came on this site looking for some advice. My daughter and I are in recovery- I have almost 3 years, and she HAD 1, but just told me tonight that she had a slip. I lost my peace, and did a googlesearch looking for advice on helping a loved one who relapses. After registering, the first thread I found was this one-- and it is PERFECT! It reminds me that I have to let go and pray. I do truly wish I had the right words to say to make my daughter relapse free and healed from her slip.
c011:
I just came on this site looking for some advice. My daughter and I are in recovery- I have almost 3 years, and she HAD 1, but just told me tonight that she had a slip. I lost my peace, and did a googlesearch looking for advice on helping a loved one who relapses. After registering, the first thread I found was this one-- and it is PERFECT! It reminds me that I have to let go and pray. I do truly wish I had the right words to say to make my daughter relapse free and healed from her slip.
c011:
Originally Posted by Pelican
Hi all,
I often respond to threads here. Today I thought I would start a thread. I had a light buld moment
this morning and wanted to share with you.
I caught myself in codie mode! Yep, I broke a rule: Say it once, anything more is obsessive. I caught myself while replying to "whyamistaying's" thread. I have said that I thought it would be healthy to legally seperate and allow her AH to sink or swim (in a lot more words). Then I thought I had not conveyed my thoughts as clearly as possible, so I expounded more, then more, etc.... (i've also done this with other threads). I try to share from the heart, and I hope to contine to do so. But I really wanted my words to make a difference in their lives. My words, their lives. See the light buld?
This is a daily reading from Hazleden's website. It really spoke to me and I'd like to share it with you:
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
What I said never changed anybody; what they understood did.
--Paul. P.
How often have we given our all to change somebody else? How frantically have we tried to force a loved one to see the light? How hopelessly have we watched a destructive pattern - perhaps a pattern we know well from personal experience - bring terrible pain to someone who is dear to us?
All of us have.
We would do anything to save the people we love. In our desperation, we imagine that if we say just the right words in just the right way, our loved ones will understand.
If change happens, we think our efforts have succeeded.
If change doesn't happen, we think our efforts have failed. But neither is true. Even our best efforts don't have the power to change someone else. Nor do we have that responsibility. People are only persuaded by what they understand. And they, as we, can understand a deeper truth only when it is their time to grow toward deeper understanding. Not before.
Today, I will focus on changing myself and entrust those I love to the Higher Power who loves them even more than I do.
My words never changed anybody. Their understanding is what changed them.
A favorite quote is by **** Dioum:
"In the end we will conserve that which we love,
we love that which we understand,
and understand that which we are taught."
I so appreciate the wisdom shared here. I have understood and learned so much about myself from the wisdom and experience expressed by GiveLove, Bernadette, LaTeeDa, Freedom, Freya, Ann, Ago, ToughChoices and many more.
Thank you for teaching others through your experiences, so that we may understand, and learn to love ourselves.:ghug2
I often respond to threads here. Today I thought I would start a thread. I had a light buld moment
this morning and wanted to share with you. I caught myself in codie mode! Yep, I broke a rule: Say it once, anything more is obsessive. I caught myself while replying to "whyamistaying's" thread. I have said that I thought it would be healthy to legally seperate and allow her AH to sink or swim (in a lot more words). Then I thought I had not conveyed my thoughts as clearly as possible, so I expounded more, then more, etc.... (i've also done this with other threads). I try to share from the heart, and I hope to contine to do so. But I really wanted my words to make a difference in their lives. My words, their lives. See the light buld?
This is a daily reading from Hazleden's website. It really spoke to me and I'd like to share it with you:
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
What I said never changed anybody; what they understood did.
--Paul. P.
How often have we given our all to change somebody else? How frantically have we tried to force a loved one to see the light? How hopelessly have we watched a destructive pattern - perhaps a pattern we know well from personal experience - bring terrible pain to someone who is dear to us?
All of us have.
We would do anything to save the people we love. In our desperation, we imagine that if we say just the right words in just the right way, our loved ones will understand.
If change happens, we think our efforts have succeeded.
If change doesn't happen, we think our efforts have failed. But neither is true. Even our best efforts don't have the power to change someone else. Nor do we have that responsibility. People are only persuaded by what they understand. And they, as we, can understand a deeper truth only when it is their time to grow toward deeper understanding. Not before.
Today, I will focus on changing myself and entrust those I love to the Higher Power who loves them even more than I do.
My words never changed anybody. Their understanding is what changed them.
A favorite quote is by **** Dioum:
"In the end we will conserve that which we love,
we love that which we understand,
and understand that which we are taught."
I so appreciate the wisdom shared here. I have understood and learned so much about myself from the wisdom and experience expressed by GiveLove, Bernadette, LaTeeDa, Freedom, Freya, Ann, Ago, ToughChoices and many more.
Thank you for teaching others through your experiences, so that we may understand, and learn to love ourselves.:ghug2
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
So True ..all of this! On the f/f substance abuse forum there was one situation where a certain poster was beyond sick, and this person would argue why it was ok to keep on going the same way.These threads would have over 100 responses...it was like talking to a wall..but those codie instincts just made us all try harder! I stopped posting as I realized 1. I was saying things more than once 2. not one thing was being heard AT ALL..in my book that's CONTRIBUTING to the problem.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I always try to remember that there are people going through hard situations often on the other side, and that I'm not just giving a friend of mine direct advice. If that were the case I'd say to a friend of mine, "Girlfriend you need to kick him to the curb!"
I may think it
But I really have tried to be more sensitive to the fact that you are only getting a slice of what is going on in the person's life with a post. Not to mention the myriad of other issues that surround the addict or alcoholic.
I used to have total exasperation when it seems like someone doesn't 'get it'. But that isn't the point at all of my posting I realized.... it isn't about me trying to pound ideas into someone else's head but to provide a safe place to reflect and share.
I may think it
But I really have tried to be more sensitive to the fact that you are only getting a slice of what is going on in the person's life with a post. Not to mention the myriad of other issues that surround the addict or alcoholic. I used to have total exasperation when it seems like someone doesn't 'get it'. But that isn't the point at all of my posting I realized.... it isn't about me trying to pound ideas into someone else's head but to provide a safe place to reflect and share.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tasmania, Australia
Posts: 9
how many times talking with my sister have I struggled to find the words, the winning argument that will convince her not to relapse. It isn't as if she even enjoys drinking anymore. Maybe I should just stop struggling as there are no magic words.
ladybug34
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GA
Posts: 18
wow,im speechless..thank you for that...i believe with all my heart people can change,in 19 yrs,i still believe in faith,love ,but it always comes back with lies and all the bad that wraps up with all of it....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
Thank you Pelican for this Post,
Knew I should have got something to eat!, before I opened my big mouth.'Oh dear' ,me doing it again, get into Fixing mode,
Could be at this recovery thing until I'm 110 years old
Knew I should have got something to eat!, before I opened my big mouth.'Oh dear' ,me doing it again, get into Fixing mode,
Could be at this recovery thing until I'm 110 years old
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Richmond
Posts: 7
Thank you so much for this post!! It's my first day here and the first post I have read. It really hit home for me. I keep talking to my addict, thinking he will listen, and that my words will have an impact. I see now I need to stop talking and move forward with my own recovery.
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the family Bobbiejo!
It's nice to *meet* you. I hope you will take the time to start a new thread and introduce yourself to the rest of the family!
Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you!
It's nice to *meet* you. I hope you will take the time to start a new thread and introduce yourself to the rest of the family!
Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by GiveLove
It is my burden as a codie that I think: If I just say the right thing, or say it differently, or say it more powerfully or more cleverly, it will squeeze through the armor of denial this person is wearing, and I can save them.
I thought I was being open, honest, trying to reach him- now I realize that often I was nagging him, trying to control him, being critical or shaming him without meaning to.
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Say something once, I'm doing it for them.
Say it again and again, I'm doing it for me.
Say it again and again, I'm doing it for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
What confuses me about this, is as a mother and grandmother, I was trained to "train" my children . . .that it was important to teach them values, manners, etc. And of course they go to school where they learn all kinds of stuff . . .
BUT THEN . . . all of a sudden, people can't be influenced by anyone anymore. I am not saying this because I am dumb . . .it's just a concept I don't "get," but that I would like to understand better.
BUT THEN . . . all of a sudden, people can't be influenced by anyone anymore. I am not saying this because I am dumb . . .it's just a concept I don't "get," but that I would like to understand better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Holy Cows;
My AH has said this to me so many times: "You don't need to repeat yourself, I heard after the first one" and yet I'll say it four more times. What causes us to do this? What I had thought is that I have this obsessive need to be heard or acknowleged. Why is this important to me??? Now one of my best friends recently said: "let me handle that conversation with XXXX...you tend to repeat yourself"
Crimeny...somebody please tell us what makes us do this? What do I need to let go of? The need to be heard or understood?
pretty big mirror here...
My AH has said this to me so many times: "You don't need to repeat yourself, I heard after the first one" and yet I'll say it four more times. What causes us to do this? What I had thought is that I have this obsessive need to be heard or acknowleged. Why is this important to me??? Now one of my best friends recently said: "let me handle that conversation with XXXX...you tend to repeat yourself"
Crimeny...somebody please tell us what makes us do this? What do I need to let go of? The need to be heard or understood?
pretty big mirror here...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I just talked about some of this with my therapist this week.
I find myself repeating myself sometimes because I am so wrapped up in the other's person reaction to what I am saying. I judge if I am saying something "right" or "valueable" if their reaction is deemed "acceptable" to me. Essentially I feel like if I don't get the reaction I think something warrents then I take it on like I did something wrong. I have been holding onto for years things I "said" to my exH that I must have done it badly because of his reaction....which on at least some occasions was impacted by being under the influence.
That is very old, sick thinking on my part but it is still a knee jerk reaction. I am working on that part and it is getting better.
I can't control my feelings, but I can control my behavior around them. I can't control another's behavior or feelings, but I do get to choose how I react to their behavior.
Their behavior is often not a reflection on me, myself or I in any way.
I felt after my session that I had lifted a 50 pound weight off my shoulder....what a relief to not have to carry that around for the next 30+ years like i have for the last 30+ years.
I find myself repeating myself sometimes because I am so wrapped up in the other's person reaction to what I am saying. I judge if I am saying something "right" or "valueable" if their reaction is deemed "acceptable" to me. Essentially I feel like if I don't get the reaction I think something warrents then I take it on like I did something wrong. I have been holding onto for years things I "said" to my exH that I must have done it badly because of his reaction....which on at least some occasions was impacted by being under the influence.
That is very old, sick thinking on my part but it is still a knee jerk reaction. I am working on that part and it is getting better.
I can't control my feelings, but I can control my behavior around them. I can't control another's behavior or feelings, but I do get to choose how I react to their behavior.
Their behavior is often not a reflection on me, myself or I in any way.
I felt after my session that I had lifted a 50 pound weight off my shoulder....what a relief to not have to carry that around for the next 30+ years like i have for the last 30+ years.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
