AlaskaGirl

This Saturday I will be 47 days sober.

I will also be going to my dear friend’s birthday get-together at a bar. This will be my first foray into the bar scene since I quit. I have told a few of my friends that will be there, including the birthday girl, that I stopped. They are supportive.

My AV is kicking in: “You could have one or two glasses of wine, you are doing fine!” I’m OK with the AV… I’m not afraid that I will drink. I DO NOT drink anymore. I am however a little nervous about whether or not I will be able to enjoy the party. In the past I would have had anxiety about drinking so much that I made an ass out of myself, so wondering if I will be able to loosen up and have fun is a better problem to have. That said, I’m still a little anxious about it.

I would love to hear from any of you who have navigated these waters.

zjw

congrats on the 47 days!!

i dont have much to offer in the way of how to avoid the anxiety of it and such. I guess i'd be concerned how others where percieving me and my behaivioer and the idea of drinking to wash away that conern or in my case social anxiety would seem appealing.

Now I'm no expert and I gotta work on this kinda stuff myself everytime i'm faced with the situation as well. but the reality is. It is what it is and there is not much you can do but show up and be like welp here i am take it or leave it people. Just be yourself and be sure your content and happy with that it really doesnt matter how the rest of the group feels etc. IE you'll never please everyone etc..

Bunny211

Hmmmm I am not so sure I would go if my AV was in full gear telling me a drink would be ok.

I've been there, done that. Always relapsed. Always. It was painful.

I was a year sober before I had the first real "test" at a wedding with an open bar.

Be careful...you're on thin ice.

That being said, if you do go, I suggest you book end your trip to the bar with phone calls to sober friends or AA folks. A call when you are going in...and a call when you are leaving. You'll know you are being held accountable so are less likely to drink.

zjw

bunny has a point i was probbably 60 days in and just had to pick up chicken wings in a bar. good god it was awful. i had to wait for the food to be ready. and i of course waited at the bar. no i didnt drink but i was like twitchen i wanted to so badly. watching everyone drink and enjoy themselves i couldnt get out of there fast enough.

But you have supportive friends on your side. and you yourself just stated you dont drink. You sound like your in a better place then i was anyhow at that timeframe.

almost 6 years sober myself and i woudlnt go to a bar. Pretty certain i woudlnt drink. but i know i'd obsess about it. lucky for me i have no local friends anyhow lol. so no worry for me.

ScottFromWI

I think it's good that you told your friends and that they are supportive. I think it's great that you are 47 days sober. And I think it's even greater that you came here to talk this through.

I'd also agree though that if your AV is telling you that it's OK to drink "one or two" that i'd proceed with extreme caution. Remember that even though you told your friends you aren't drinking, things change when they get drunk, which some of them most likely will at a bar/party. Will you be able to resist if they start badgering you to drink anyway? ..because some of them probably will after they get drunk.

I was very eager to "test" myself by heading to a bar not long after I quit. And even though I was successful several times, I really didn't have any fun while I was there anyway. The sole reason to be at a bar is to drink alcohol for the most part, and if you are the odd one out who is not drinking it can not only be boring but downright annoying.

If you do go make sure to have an escape planned in case it gets too overwhelming.

Maudcat

I really had to stay away from places and events where alcohol was being served in the early days of sobriety. It wasn't that i thought I would drink. It was that I would be freakin miserable not drinking, if that makes any sense.
Things got better in time, but early days, like 3 months in? Eck.
Case in point: we attended two weddings in two years-daughters of good friends got married. I was so uncomfortable and unhappy at the first wedding. I was newly sober. I did not have a good time. probably should have skipped it.
I had some sober time under my belt at the second wedding. I was much much more comfortable in my skin about the decision to be sober. It was a much better experience second time around.
Only you can chart your course, but I would be careful. Our heads are a bit strange in the early days of recovery.

Doug39

I am 115 days sober. My wife still drinks everyday.

It is a challenge when we go places that involve alcohol - she doesn't want to leave cause she wants to get drunk - I get bored quickly, especially when everyone else is buzzed and getting loud and obnoxious. I used to be the one who never wanted to leave a party so I could get hammered.

Right now, as I type this, my wife and I are getting ready to go to her friend's house to move some furniture. It should only take a few minutes and I don't want to stay. My wife told me she wants to "have a drink" with her friend and I know from experience it is never just one drink. In the past I would be happy to sit there for as long as anyone wanted and suck down the booze but now I know I will be bored to death very soon after they start drinking.

I don't know what the answer is - I don't want to divorce my wife but if she keeps getting liquored up every day and I stay sober we may just naturally grow apart. Time will tell.

ljc267

Personally, I have no interest in bars anymore. I didn't at the end of my drinking career either, but I'm in my 40's, so that's probably part of it.

That being said, I would certainly plan an out if things get to tough. I think you have the right attitude but jumping into the lions den so early is risky.

AlaskaGirl

Thanks all! I will proceed with caution. Since I have told my friend about quitting I will let her know ahead of time that I might not be able to stay. She will understand and be sweet about it. I have firmly taken the option of drinking off the table, but if I end up white knuckling it or being miserable I give myself permission to leave and take care of me.

Scott, I do think of this as a "testing" of my sober muscles. Not testing as in whether or not I'll give in to the AV, but whether or not I can be in that situation and enjoy myself sober. I want to find my new normal, but you have all reminded me to be vigilant. I can't get complacent.

I'm not in AA but I will use this thread for accountability. Thanks again!

AlaskaGirl

Doug, Congratulations on 115 days! I'm so sorry you are going through that with your wife. My husband is a "normie", I think he's only drank once since I quit, and that was just a few beers. It would be amazingly hard to be around drinkers all the time, especially to be married to one. Have you tried talking to her about how you are feeling?

soberlicious

AV activity is not a sign that you are going to drink, so I'm glad you recognize that and dismiss it.

I would go to the party. If I was enjoying myself, I would stay. If I was bored or felt otherwise uncomfortable with socializing, I would leave. There is nothing to fear. You have options, and you get to make choices. xo

Algorithm

If you'll not be drinking again, why such a precise count of 'sober' days?

Are you counting the days of deprivation, or counting the days to build confidence that the drinking is finally over?

Remember that in addiction, the time between fixes was often known to your Beast almost down to the hour. This is where this counting business comes from.

Also, people who don't drink frequently don't usually consider themselves "sober" after more than a day or so, once the effect has worn off. Neither do people who never drink at all.

If you have a legitimate reason to go to a bar, I don't see a problem with it. If you are going as a "test", however, as Scott mentioned, then there may be a problem somewhere.

Support for abstinence is often fair weathered in a bar once the drinks come out, and I would consider it non-existent, but you may want to ask yourself why it is important, if you are not going to drink?

AlaskaGirl

Algorithm, when I post I often think of you and know you will be around to call me on any BS.

I get it that with AVRT it doesn't make sense to count time. The further I am from my quit date the less I think about it. I swear I'm not counting the days of deprivation. I'm celebrating the time my mind and body have had to heal.

What should I call it besides sober? This might sound weird to some of you but I really hate the word "teetotaler". It conjures up visions in my mind of super uptight and judgmental people with sour faces and dispositions. Probably because of shows I watched about the prohibition movement when I was younger. I thought all those people needed to loosen up and get over themselves. Ah, to be young and know everything again.

Algorithm

Your Beast is counting, though, and it will probably remind you from time to time, especially if the quit date is unforgettable.

You may just recognize it, like any other AV.

I don't know, but if someone introduces themselves as sober, for example, then you know that their recent history was probably otherwise, or that they've adopted addict identity.

Teetotalers don't usually mention anything beyond "I don't drink" when offered. Think of ex smokers, for example. They usually say "I quit" or "I don't smoke", and only if it comes up.

It's about mindset. Non-drinker would do, just like non-smoker.

Doug39

Yes. I have many posts on this topic here on the Forum. I also discuss my dilemma with people when I go to AA meetings.

The only thing that will work is for me to set a positive example of living sober. Complaining about her drinking, asking her nicely to quit drinking or shutting for out and ignoring her will not work. She has to want to quit.

She has expressed that she doesn't enjoy going out and drinking (or staying home and drinking) with me not drinking. And she doesn't like to go to bars alone - a 53 year old woman sitting at a bar alone is pathetic.

fini

there were places i went where others drank, and then there were places where i didn't go. It depended, for me in early sobriety, on the people and the places.
i went to my family's christmas celebration, where there was lots of nice wine, great beer and fancy champagne. this would be very 'civilized'.
I did NOT go to my daughter's birthday party, which i knew would be more rowdy, with some going way overboard, and with entirely different associations for me.

i didn't reallyvexpect to have a good time at the beginning, so i was surprised to have a bunch of genuine laughs!

yes, quite possible to enjoy yourself.
and i always made sure i had transportation readily available in case i didn't enjoy myself, and made sure i had nice non-alcoholic drinks available.

maybe plan ahead what you'll order so you're not stumped by all the booze options in your face.

FBL

Surely there will be soft drinks and water available there. If the temptation gets to be too much, just leave early. Your sobriety is the most important thing now.

STDragon

AlaskaGirl, sounds like your going to be fine. Hope you don't end up white knuckling it.

Doug, why do you need to stay? Help move, excuse yourself and pick up your wife later?

Ionray

Congrats on your recovery, that is great to hear.

I think it is a good sign that you have a handle on recognizing (and dismissing) the AV, have shared your concerns with friends who will be present, and are keeping the option open of leaving early if you're feeling wiggy (the "escape plan").

You'll do fine. You already know you're not going to drink, so there is nothing to fear.

Having said that though, I think back to my first times venturing "out there" after getting sober and I remember feeling similarly anxious. Just keep calm and remember your SR buddies!

August252015

I would skip it. I am a hardliner about this stuff and believe that no event (none) is worth putting ourselves in an uncomfortable or dangerous situation. To the point that you don't drink and your AV is under wraps or such....many many people will tell you it pops up in a second, esp in situations like this.

Good luck.