darkling

Not lookin' for advice, just need to let some junk out of my head.

Been feeling down and whiny for the last 10 days or so and it's occurred to me that maybe if I share about it, it could help. NAH. Why would that work?! So today, I'm giving my self permission to just stop trying to be positive and lower my expectations of myself for a little while.

Oh hell, where to start? It's one of those times where it feels like everything is messed up.
[and I know that I am the only one who has ever felt like this . . .]

Feb 15 was my "official" chip-getting night. That morning, I totally let loose and raged at my 40yo son for his asinine reason for not coming. Had a fight with my favorite friend on the way to the meeting. We've been really close and texted every day, sometimes for hours. When we held hands after the meeting, he always squeezed mine really tight. I always got a giant hug. [Don't know if you'll understand, but it kept us both from being so lonely.]

So for my b-day, I lost 2 people who were really important to me. Could I have handled the situations better? I tried to. I really did. But both just crossed the line once too often and I just couldn't roll over one more time. Not even for my in denial A-DS. I just don't deal with lies and bs very well.

I have never, ever been good at having friends. Not even in sobriety. I was always too much of an introvert. I've really managed to change that alot in this past year and I'm much more out-going . . . I'm better at talking to/with people, better at sharing in meetings. But nothing changes overnight. I know lots of people, but there's no one to really share the sh!t in my brain with.

I moved to this ^()!@#$%# little town 2.5 years ago. [Not my idea!] There are 2 meetings a week here. Always the clique of people. Most of them come from another small town. [BTW, I don't drive.] I haven't been able to crack thru their wall and it's pretty much impossible to find a ride to either meeting. I give up on this town.

A couple of months ago, I asked my friend/landlord if I could tag along with him to meetings [in nearby towns.] So I go with him to 2 mtgs a week. They're both good and one has become my home group. But guess who the only woman at both meetings is. So much for meeting sober women.

So I've decided frack it, I want and NEED more than the 2 meetings a week that I'm down to. I'm going to start asking the men, that I've known for months at these 2 meetings, if there's any mtgs that I could tag along with them to. If any of them live close to my little town. No biggie, right?

WRONG. The co-mingling of sexes is just not acceptable here. Even tho I'm 25 years sober, married for 24 years, am 59 years old and 50 pounds overweight, dress in scrubs and t-shirts, my motives for asking a MAN for a ride are highly suspect.

Part of me thinks that I should be flattered so many people think my feminine wiles are that powerful.

Let's throw in the migraine/tension headache meds the doc gave me the beginning of January caused horrible side-effects that were worse than the every day pain. Stopped them a week ago but my brain/mood still isn't back to "normal."

Let's throw in that my "R"AH is in prison for his bazillionth DUI and will be released in August. He went in shortly after we moved to this godforsaken town. I love him with all my heart and soul, but the thought of yet another relapse . . . I've told him he can sleep on the couch when he gets out, but no guarantees of anything. I miss the man I fell in love with and married. I have no idea who will be coming home.

I swear, 98% of the world knows and loves this man. There's literally no one that I can talk to about him. {Except my text-buddy, which was a huge deal for for me.]

I'm depressed and overwhelmed AF. I sleep more than my 2 tabbies do. They know something is wrong cuz there's always at least one laying up against me. [OMG, I don't know what I'd do without them!]

[YES, I have a psychiatrist I'm bipolar and have been on meds for 35 years. This is unfortunately just part of the deal.]

Now, I'm going to go charge my phone, eat my nuked potato and think about calling someone.

Thanks for letting me whine! I'll send in the $5 fine when I get paid next week.

Gottalife

Maybe you have the twenty five year blues that Bill talks about in his pamphlet Emotional Sobriety. Sounds like you are still very dependent on people and AA. Might be time to break that dependence.

Done4today

Enjoy your potato and phone call. Prayers that this passes quickly.

HopeandFaith1

PhoenixJ

A respectable whine. Have you seen the 'Whiner's 'anon. thread?'.

darkling

Reading the Preamble, Steps, etc has tears running down my face.

It's a darn shame that I really don't have a problem with whining at all. I mean, you know, cuz I'm very up front about when I do it and all that . . . . I can stop any time I want to! But I think I'll read some of it any way. You know, so that I can maybe help others . . . .

edit: uh oh. Just came to Promise "12. We will suddenly realize that sharing a good whine can be very cathartic and we no longer need to whine alone."

Hmmmm. How can I tell which whine is a good whine?!? OH WAIT!
I AM SO CONFUSED!

Better get back to the WA thread . . .

HopeandFaith1

I think you write very well, and that you did an excellent job of venting. You've got a lot going on. I can certainly understand that you're feeling overwhelmed. Hope things work out for the best!

Fusion

Hello Darkling, from what you've written, you're having trouble processing your thoughts., feelings and emotions.

25 years is a long time to pursue something that isn't keeping you happy, joyous and free, as the Big Book promises. I'm sorry to hear that you're still suffering. If AA isn't helping, perhaps you can seek an alternative inner remedy, or an external support or therapy. Wishing you well and recovered soon.

NYCDoglvr

What helps me is doing service, like calling a newcomer, and going to as many meetings as possible. Aren't there phone AA meetings listed on the internet?

darkling

Many thanks and much love to those who actually read and understood that.
---

Wanting to go to more than 2 meetings a week when there are many . . . really difficult . . . things going on/coming up in my life, means I'm too dependent on AA? REALLY?! Who/what do you suggest I depend on if not my spirituality, AA and the fellowship?

WHERE did I say AA isn't working for me?
AA literally saved my life. The promises have come true for me a thousand-fold. No, I am not happy and serene 100% of the time. But I know when and where to turn for support. I do not need advice on how to work my program.

My HP sees fit to throw some sh!t my way. "More will be revealed" right? I see these things as an opportunity to for me to learn. My HP knows I can and will walk thru it. Hopefully with some grace. [BTW, that's where AA comes in.]

YES, even tho I KNOW that I can do this, right now, I feel overwhelmed and I am frustrated because I can't find rides to as many face to face meetings as I'd like, as I feel would be good for me. Online is great - or I wouldn't be here - but I need IRL people.

I thought that this was somewhere where I could just vent a few emotions once in a while and get it out of my head.
If not, I'd appreciate suggestions on where I could find a more appropriate place.


I'm done with this thread.

fini

hey darkling,
I noticed others here have had advice andempathy offered when they said they simply wanted and needed to vent....seems with good intent people have a need to offer something, even if the poster basically said they weren't looking for any responses . and sometimes much prefer that.

my suggestion would be to consider writing a blog for venting....it seems they are used more in the way of a journal, but publicly readable without drawing a bunch of responses.

ScottFromWI

I really don't see anyone suggesting any of the things you accuse them of here Darkling, honestly. You are free to vent here, just like anyone...but you will receive responses of all kinds....we are an open community. If you'd prefer to just vent and get no responses the blog feature may be more up your alley. Each user account has an associated blog.