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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Oh my, Victoria... I'm so glad that you are back from all that and shared it on my thread!! 
And just good to see you in general, part of me really misses those interactions we all had on Robby's threads, just a few months ago...
I want to say that, once again in my life, I also had many suicidal ideations during my relapse. I actually sometimes find it unbelievable that I have never acted them out so far given the quantity and extent of them in certain periods of my life. Yet another thing I miss discussing with Robby.
But yeah, we both are back doing this sobriety thing again. I also freaked out during my relapse and wanted to check myself into rehab because I felt totally powerless and hopeless when I was drunk. In my case, my husband and my therapist talked me out of it (not going into details why and how) and then I decided to give it a try just doing a lot of meetings this time plus everything else I had been doing before the relapse. Oh, and I found a psychiatrist as well and might try some medications, but we agreed on giving me a few weeks before starting to see how I feel now, given that my system was quite drastically stirred by the recent pregnancy, sudden loss of pregnancy, and then the drinking. I feel good and quite stable right now but will not ignore my plans.
I guess you shared on my thread because you imagine I might understand, and obviously (as you have pointed out also a few times) we have some mental and probably behavioral patterns in common. So yeah, I do get it. Not sure if this kind of discussion is allowed here (mods will decide), but I wonder... do you tend to feel so hopeless and giving up only when you drink, or also sober at times? For me, it's almost exclusively a drunken (or drugged) phenomenon. Drinking and drugging can make me very delusional, distort my thinking, emotional state, everything. I do not believe that these "altered states" are something (or someone) else, I think it's me disinhibited, with disordered thinking induced by the intoxication. Like I said many times here on SR before, I am very prone to periods of existential angst and have been as far as I remember, but sober it never reaches a threshold where I seriously consider a self-inflicted "way out" (except for end of life state, but that's another discussion). Then when I am under the influence of alcohol, these mental states and thoughts flood me and I just manage to keep my head above the water somehow, yet I want to dive deeper and deeper into everything that disturbs me. For me, it's still the "me" I know well, just an extreme version that can be kept in balance when sober, more or less. For long periods at least.
I hope you had a relatively restful sleep, Vic. My sleep is still pretty crappy (day 7 today) and I have the worst anxiety usually at night, waking many times with thoughts and feelings as though it's the end of the world. But just ride it out, I experienced it first time getting sober, might last a while.
Days are quite good for me right now. Just had a great therapy session this morning. You said you would like to find a psychologist for one-on-one work... have you been in therapy before? I started for the first time in my life a couple months after my first sober date (so now ~2 years) and for me, it's proven one of the endeavors I've enjoyed best in my life. (I must say not only me but the therapists as well, the two I've worked with so far at least apparently found it very enlightening and engaging as well.) I also find it very helpful, often not in the moment (though I almost always find the sessions and interactions with my therapist immensely interesting) but in the long run, in the larger scheme and perspective of my life. If you are going to give it a try, I suggest that you research a bit. I've found that psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapy does wonders to me, with someone who is undeniably a natural at these. It requires abilities and skills that I also naturally have (introspection, curiosity about the unknown or seemingly unreachable, interest in and intense desire for the interpersonal world and attachment, pattern recognition, open-mindedness, etc) and also a continued "craving" for challenge. It's even good as a hobby for people who like deep thinking and self exploration in the absence of the therapist, I find. Anyhow, just wanted to illustrate how big a fan I've become of this. My therapist also communicated with me (in a professional but sensitive way) when I was drunk. In fact, just a week ago when I was wasted and canceled our session late two hours in advance, he then kept emailing with me for a couple days and I think helped a lot to pull me out of that *** state.
Anyhow, please stay around dear Victoria. Let me (us) know how things are going!
And just good to see you in general, part of me really misses those interactions we all had on Robby's threads, just a few months ago...I want to say that, once again in my life, I also had many suicidal ideations during my relapse. I actually sometimes find it unbelievable that I have never acted them out so far given the quantity and extent of them in certain periods of my life. Yet another thing I miss discussing with Robby.
But yeah, we both are back doing this sobriety thing again. I also freaked out during my relapse and wanted to check myself into rehab because I felt totally powerless and hopeless when I was drunk. In my case, my husband and my therapist talked me out of it (not going into details why and how) and then I decided to give it a try just doing a lot of meetings this time plus everything else I had been doing before the relapse. Oh, and I found a psychiatrist as well and might try some medications, but we agreed on giving me a few weeks before starting to see how I feel now, given that my system was quite drastically stirred by the recent pregnancy, sudden loss of pregnancy, and then the drinking. I feel good and quite stable right now but will not ignore my plans.
I guess you shared on my thread because you imagine I might understand, and obviously (as you have pointed out also a few times) we have some mental and probably behavioral patterns in common. So yeah, I do get it. Not sure if this kind of discussion is allowed here (mods will decide), but I wonder... do you tend to feel so hopeless and giving up only when you drink, or also sober at times? For me, it's almost exclusively a drunken (or drugged) phenomenon. Drinking and drugging can make me very delusional, distort my thinking, emotional state, everything. I do not believe that these "altered states" are something (or someone) else, I think it's me disinhibited, with disordered thinking induced by the intoxication. Like I said many times here on SR before, I am very prone to periods of existential angst and have been as far as I remember, but sober it never reaches a threshold where I seriously consider a self-inflicted "way out" (except for end of life state, but that's another discussion). Then when I am under the influence of alcohol, these mental states and thoughts flood me and I just manage to keep my head above the water somehow, yet I want to dive deeper and deeper into everything that disturbs me. For me, it's still the "me" I know well, just an extreme version that can be kept in balance when sober, more or less. For long periods at least.
I hope you had a relatively restful sleep, Vic. My sleep is still pretty crappy (day 7 today) and I have the worst anxiety usually at night, waking many times with thoughts and feelings as though it's the end of the world. But just ride it out, I experienced it first time getting sober, might last a while.
Days are quite good for me right now. Just had a great therapy session this morning. You said you would like to find a psychologist for one-on-one work... have you been in therapy before? I started for the first time in my life a couple months after my first sober date (so now ~2 years) and for me, it's proven one of the endeavors I've enjoyed best in my life. (I must say not only me but the therapists as well, the two I've worked with so far at least apparently found it very enlightening and engaging as well.) I also find it very helpful, often not in the moment (though I almost always find the sessions and interactions with my therapist immensely interesting) but in the long run, in the larger scheme and perspective of my life. If you are going to give it a try, I suggest that you research a bit. I've found that psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapy does wonders to me, with someone who is undeniably a natural at these. It requires abilities and skills that I also naturally have (introspection, curiosity about the unknown or seemingly unreachable, interest in and intense desire for the interpersonal world and attachment, pattern recognition, open-mindedness, etc) and also a continued "craving" for challenge. It's even good as a hobby for people who like deep thinking and self exploration in the absence of the therapist, I find. Anyhow, just wanted to illustrate how big a fan I've become of this. My therapist also communicated with me (in a professional but sensitive way) when I was drunk. In fact, just a week ago when I was wasted and canceled our session late two hours in advance, he then kept emailing with me for a couple days and I think helped a lot to pull me out of that *** state.
Anyhow, please stay around dear Victoria. Let me (us) know how things are going!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Oh, as for the meditation -- I got interested in it >10 years ago. Searched for methods, tried a few, but it never truly clicked until I found the teacher with the approach that just felt natural for me in many ways. It was really hitting home whether I read his books, participated in retreats led by him, or tried to develop my own way using the lessons.
B. Alan Wallace
Santa Barbara Institute for Consciousness Studies
The problem is that I don't do the practices consistently. I made a lot of efforts during my two-year sobriety, but it was still up and down. I always experience ups when I stick with it for a while, but for some reason I tend to drop it then. Consistency is a huge issue that still needs a lot of work for me!
B. Alan Wallace
Santa Barbara Institute for Consciousness Studies
The problem is that I don't do the practices consistently. I made a lot of efforts during my two-year sobriety, but it was still up and down. I always experience ups when I stick with it for a while, but for some reason I tend to drop it then. Consistency is a huge issue that still needs a lot of work for me!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Well, this will read hard but I swear it's the whole truth. I am drinking again.
I went to this therapy appt in the morning. All the stuff I wrote are valid.
But... I made a beeline into the liquor store, and now I am drinking again. WHY? Because I am addicted. I am alone in the apartment (husband left for a week, business trip). I want to confess my failure here on SR, and I will also tell my husband. Then what? Friends, I don't know what to do anymore. Seriously
I went to this therapy appt in the morning. All the stuff I wrote are valid.
But... I made a beeline into the liquor store, and now I am drinking again. WHY? Because I am addicted. I am alone in the apartment (husband left for a week, business trip). I want to confess my failure here on SR, and I will also tell my husband. Then what? Friends, I don't know what to do anymore. Seriously
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
How about hitting a meeting Aellyce? Having others right there next to you to help pull you up might help. Or think about rehab? You aren't drinking because you are addicted...you are drinking because you chose to go to the liquor store, buy liquor and then lift the bottle to you lips and swallow. All of us are addicted but that doesn't mean we have to drink.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Yes I've considered all those options: meetings, IOP, inpatient. But you know what, I will just get my drunk ass showered, dressed, and go to an AA meeting next door. Never in my life, since drinking alcoholically, went out to a public event.
Last time when I went out carelessly drunk, I got mugged on the street. Yeah, on gunpoint; they demanded my purse, I refused, I got hit on the head, did not lose consciousness but they ran off with my purse. I was not far from my home and ran into a building in a crazed state, I thought it was my building and I did not understand why I could not get into "my" apartment. I rang two very nice girls out of their places in that building. Turned out it was the building next door, not mine.
The girls then came to my place with me... they called the police... the cops came... it's still a blur. Especially given the much more complicated and traumatic experience I had due to that mugging not being administered correctly (internationally). Being stranded at the airport in London, officials pushing me and arguing with me aggressively that I did not have a visa to re-enter into the US. I had no idea what they were talking about at the time, just went along with what was missing. So, what what missing: the visa stamp in my passport that was stolen at the mugging months prior. Complicated story, I know. Anyhow...
I think that the two major stressors for me right now: (1) getting funding for my research, and (2) getting a green card (finally).
It is insane that I drink over these things because I know both would succeed sooner or later, and probably sooner rather than later. And I know they both would fail if I cotinued drinking. Just need to do aaaalllll the darn administrative and other work to make it happen. Not drink. Drinking won't get me either a grant or a green card.
Last time when I went out carelessly drunk, I got mugged on the street. Yeah, on gunpoint; they demanded my purse, I refused, I got hit on the head, did not lose consciousness but they ran off with my purse. I was not far from my home and ran into a building in a crazed state, I thought it was my building and I did not understand why I could not get into "my" apartment. I rang two very nice girls out of their places in that building. Turned out it was the building next door, not mine.
The girls then came to my place with me... they called the police... the cops came... it's still a blur. Especially given the much more complicated and traumatic experience I had due to that mugging not being administered correctly (internationally). Being stranded at the airport in London, officials pushing me and arguing with me aggressively that I did not have a visa to re-enter into the US. I had no idea what they were talking about at the time, just went along with what was missing. So, what what missing: the visa stamp in my passport that was stolen at the mugging months prior. Complicated story, I know. Anyhow...
I think that the two major stressors for me right now: (1) getting funding for my research, and (2) getting a green card (finally).
It is insane that I drink over these things because I know both would succeed sooner or later, and probably sooner rather than later. And I know they both would fail if I cotinued drinking. Just need to do aaaalllll the darn administrative and other work to make it happen. Not drink. Drinking won't get me either a grant or a green card.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
If you are too drunk to head out then perhaps you could just pour out what you have and get some rest. You need to be safe above and beyond everything else. You could go to a meeting first thing in the morning or later on when you sober up.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Austin Texas
Posts: 165
My relapse was premeditated. I really thought I might be a normal drinker (after 3.5 years of sobriety). I proved myself wrong, and was close to not making it back, but did July 10th last year. I can't do that again. I am definitely not a one drink person, I can abstain once I get back on track, but next time there might not be a getting back on track, this last time was too too close.
Good job coming back.
I think we all have to find this out for ourselves in our own way. I started with AA and still go and I know AA is not the saving grace, it is a great resource. Our home group is populated with many people who share similar stories. We all have to find out way with the tools we have.
Good job coming back.
I think we all have to find this out for ourselves in our own way. I started with AA and still go and I know AA is not the saving grace, it is a great resource. Our home group is populated with many people who share similar stories. We all have to find out way with the tools we have.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Aellyce 
made a beeline into the liquor store, and now I am drinking again. WHY? Because I am addicted.
I've read through the thread. You are an articulate writer, cerebral in how you look at your addiction. But you can't think yourself sober.
Quite thinking and quit drinking.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I tend to agree with Carl Aellyce - intellectualising and theorising is meat and drink to some of us - but sometimes it's best to cut right through and admit sometimes a duck is just a duck.
The main focus for you right now needs to be getting sober and staying that way.
I too hope you'll stay safe. I hope perhaps someone can help you get to the meeting.
The main focus for you right now needs to be getting sober and staying that way.
I too hope you'll stay safe. I hope perhaps someone can help you get to the meeting.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Yeah I did all that analysis for years, and constantly relapsed. Finally just had to quit. And eventually.. meetings again.. because that crazy brain still wouldn't stop thinking..
Introspectator
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Bingo! Addiction, not the multiple other reasons you wrote about in various posts...as if knowing why we drink would solve the problem. They too often become justifications to drink. I've read through the thread. You are an articulate writer, cerebral in how you look at your addiction. But you can't think yourself sober. Quite thinking and quit drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Hope you are doing better today, Aellyce. There's nothing wrong with being philosophical, but let's start with walking the walk. Your "I'll get my damn butt to a meeting" comment reminded comments I made myself when I was active in alcoholism. Moments of clarity and commitment can be fleeting when you are on the sauce, and in my case I never did "go to that interview" or "get that job" or "get my butt to that meeting". It took almost a month of inpatient treatment to get me in good shape. I know you're worried about grants, but let's remember that your health is the most important thing! Be well and be sober!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Thanks, everyone. I also think that Carl's comment was spot on. And of course I did not go to the meeting yesterday, I passed out drunk. Then woke up and drank more in the middle of the night. My husband is out of town so I do this without him even knowing.
Now I feel very sick and have zero energy and motivation to do anything. Can't believe I'm doing this again, it is indeed insanity. Definitely won't drink more today, too sick almost to even drink water and I don't have any booze left.
Now I feel very sick and have zero energy and motivation to do anything. Can't believe I'm doing this again, it is indeed insanity. Definitely won't drink more today, too sick almost to even drink water and I don't have any booze left.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Aellyce
Thanks, everyone. I also think that Carl's comment was spot on. And of course I did not go to the meeting yesterday, I passed out drunk. Then woke up and drank more in the middle of the night. My husband is out of town so I do this without him even knowing.
Now I feel very sick and have zero energy and motivation to do anything. Can't believe I'm doing this again, it is indeed insanity. Definitely won't drink more today, too sick almost to even drink water and I don't have any booze left.
Now I feel very sick and have zero energy and motivation to do anything. Can't believe I'm doing this again, it is indeed insanity. Definitely won't drink more today, too sick almost to even drink water and I don't have any booze left.
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