Relapse
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by Aellyce 
I can't even say I drank to curb emotional pain, when I picked up it was actually on a great day when I just received some very good news work-wise, a promotion. Then what do I do, "reward" myself with drinking. That was also my most typical pattern in the past, not so much drinking my momentary pain away. It was a very bad reaction to an isolated unexpected good thing in a period mostly characterized by pain or stress directly, but I did not react to the pain, I did to the good thing that felt like a big contrast compared with its context.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
Originally Posted by Aellyce
My therapist has been trying to talk me out of rehab but I won't listen to him in this particular issue. He is sometimes against my using other kind of professional help than him, but I think that is coming from his own need (a bit jealous at times and he wants to be the one who makes the biggest difference) not mine. I told him this and he kinda admitted it. But if I get completely lost in active alcoholism, there would be no upside for anyone and he would eventually most likely lose his patient as well.
if his personal feelings are affecting his professional judgement,
you need to find another therapist.
It might be pleasurable to engage this person on an intellectual
and emotional level, but it doesn't sound
like it is in your best interest to me.
I'm so glad you've put down that damn bottle and are back with us.
Do whatever it takes to beat those cravings back into submission
whether it's daily meetings or in-patient.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
this suggests a compromise of interest to me Aellyce--
if his personal feelings are affecting his professional judgement,
you need to find another therapist.
It might be pleasurable to engage this person on an intellectual
and emotional level, but it doesn't sound
like it is in your best interest to me.
if his personal feelings are affecting his professional judgement,
you need to find another therapist.
It might be pleasurable to engage this person on an intellectual
and emotional level, but it doesn't sound
like it is in your best interest to me.
It'll be meetings for now, see how that goes.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Hi, Aellyce,
Glad that you're checking in with our world here and sharing your resolve to live again in recovery.
While I want to be part of a response that keeps the focus on you -- and being a supportive, helpful part of your life -- I winced when I read your post about your therapist trying to dissuade you from treatment. Hawkeye aptly summarized my concerns, to which I'll add this admittedly blunt comment: This is about you, not him. You've already noted that you won't accept manipulation, for which I commend you. You've spent time in analysis and are familiar with the turf. But there is a power differential in the relationship, one that may well be exacerbated by your condition at the moment.
In a nutshell, put yourself first.
With you all the way, my friend.
Take care,
Venecia
Glad that you're checking in with our world here and sharing your resolve to live again in recovery.
While I want to be part of a response that keeps the focus on you -- and being a supportive, helpful part of your life -- I winced when I read your post about your therapist trying to dissuade you from treatment. Hawkeye aptly summarized my concerns, to which I'll add this admittedly blunt comment: This is about you, not him. You've already noted that you won't accept manipulation, for which I commend you. You've spent time in analysis and are familiar with the turf. But there is a power differential in the relationship, one that may well be exacerbated by your condition at the moment.
In a nutshell, put yourself first.
With you all the way, my friend.
Take care,
Venecia
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi Aellyce. It's really good to hear from you today and hear that you analyzed your relapse and also have made a plan.
It's also good to see that you were aware of the pain you caused your husband. That shows maturity; someone who is willing to take responsibility and is still attuned to others.
I hope he has support of his own, he sounds like a very nice guy.
Your take on your therapist got me chuckling: my first though was... OMG Aellyce's therapist is a codie
Seriously, reading your posts which are mature and insightful I have absolutely no doubt that you can and will make it. Definitely increase your f2f support with SMART and AA and also stick close to us.
It's also good to see that you were aware of the pain you caused your husband. That shows maturity; someone who is willing to take responsibility and is still attuned to others.
I hope he has support of his own, he sounds like a very nice guy.
Your take on your therapist got me chuckling: my first though was... OMG Aellyce's therapist is a codie
Seriously, reading your posts which are mature and insightful I have absolutely no doubt that you can and will make it. Definitely increase your f2f support with SMART and AA and also stick close to us.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I'm thinking denial is a subtle thing. I thought I had a choice, but when I think about it there was no sane choice. A sane person would consider all the facts, giving each its proper weight, and with my history, could only make one decision, the sane one not to drink.
Do be sane and make a choice to drink, which is a choice to harm all those around me, is just a plain nasty thing to do, and I'm not nasty. I didn't want to hurt anyone. That was the furthest thing from my mind.
The fact is I could not make the right choice, which to me is the same as losing the power of (to make the) right choice. This is something many of us alcoholics have come to realise over time, but also many of us hung on to the illusion that we could choose for quite a while.
I denied I had lost the power to choose, and that meant I continued to think I could pick and choose whether I did anything about recovery, and the result was more misery.
In the end I was left with only one choice, live life on a spiritual basis, or face an alcoholic death. This was the truth, there was no denying it. But I fought it to the end.
One of the things I enjoy about your posts is that they are so well written, clear, concise. Your thought processes and ability to reason seem very solid. On the otherhand, I lost that ability. I couldn't think or express myself. Its progressive.
Do be sane and make a choice to drink, which is a choice to harm all those around me, is just a plain nasty thing to do, and I'm not nasty. I didn't want to hurt anyone. That was the furthest thing from my mind.
The fact is I could not make the right choice, which to me is the same as losing the power of (to make the) right choice. This is something many of us alcoholics have come to realise over time, but also many of us hung on to the illusion that we could choose for quite a while.
I denied I had lost the power to choose, and that meant I continued to think I could pick and choose whether I did anything about recovery, and the result was more misery.
In the end I was left with only one choice, live life on a spiritual basis, or face an alcoholic death. This was the truth, there was no denying it. But I fought it to the end.
One of the things I enjoy about your posts is that they are so well written, clear, concise. Your thought processes and ability to reason seem very solid. On the otherhand, I lost that ability. I couldn't think or express myself. Its progressive.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Aellyce,
"I decide to make these poor and self absorbed choices all by myself when I do it."
This is true for so many of us, but you have stated it so well.
I also seem to have trouble accepting at an emotional level that I can never drink "normally" again.
The evidence is all there, but in the moment, I forget. Or something.
Having a miscarriage is like losing a child, with deep underlying pain both unconsciously as well as consciously.
So even if it felt like you were drinking to celebrate, maybe it was more to hope that there was going to something other than pain, which is I guess is really what you are saying.
I think Gottalife's post is saying what I am trying to, but much better -- we want to think we still have a choice, but we don't. Not a sane choice anyway.
And that maybe this time it will end better, or make us feel better, but it won't.
I am with those that say, you have lost two weeks, not two years. The cravings may be bad, or may not be as bad as you think if you really take the option COMPLETELY off the table again.
Either way, you can do this.
"I decide to make these poor and self absorbed choices all by myself when I do it."
This is true for so many of us, but you have stated it so well.
I also seem to have trouble accepting at an emotional level that I can never drink "normally" again.
The evidence is all there, but in the moment, I forget. Or something.
Having a miscarriage is like losing a child, with deep underlying pain both unconsciously as well as consciously.
So even if it felt like you were drinking to celebrate, maybe it was more to hope that there was going to something other than pain, which is I guess is really what you are saying.
I think Gottalife's post is saying what I am trying to, but much better -- we want to think we still have a choice, but we don't. Not a sane choice anyway.
And that maybe this time it will end better, or make us feel better, but it won't.
I am with those that say, you have lost two weeks, not two years. The cravings may be bad, or may not be as bad as you think if you really take the option COMPLETELY off the table again.
Either way, you can do this.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by Aellyce
It was also very similar in a sense that I did not really enjoy the drinking beyond maybe the first hour of it each time, being drunk made me very delusional and crazy with very extreme thoughts and emotions all over the map.
I also experienced those crazy, extreme thoughts and emotions you mentioned. Well, I still do, especially when I listen to certain kinds of music, but it's much easier to step off the crazy train when you're sober! You can control the stops and starts that way, instead of letting the addiction control them.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Haha, that's a funny notion about my therapist being a codie 
Certainly, there might be some truth in it, I know enough about him to see it fits him at least somewhat. Well, I guess it's a good profession if someone has that tendency, assuming they are aware of what they are doing. I don't think it's a problem if sometimes he also gets a bit entranced in his own world, we can always discuss that and adjust approach if necessary. I don't idealize him, follow his suggestions blindly, or anything like that. Certainly not when he imagines himself being the answer to everything
Gottalife's post got me thinking... So is the ability to choose actions incompatible or mutually exclusive with living a spiritual life? I think choices can be both good and bad, sane and insane, but wherever they come from, it's still us who execute the action. Same for any sort of spirituality I think: where the inspiration comes from is one thing but we act on it. I am not trying to create excuses to rationalize or justify my relapse, just wondering.
Yes I guess when we want to distort our reality using mind altering substances, it always comes from a place of perceived dissatisfaction, call it pain or anything.
GMO, that was a great metaphor for how a relapse feels. I only heard those things before, now I know it first hand. Yes the anticipation is what drives it, then maybe an hour under the influence is kinda okay, and all the rest (which is the biggest part) a hellish experience.
Anyhow, on the practical side, I did not have a very restful sleep but feel way better relative to yesterday. I'm glad because I'll have a few intense days with work where I need to focus and multitask a lot. It's kinda ironic that I always get sober at a time when my work schedule is most challenging, it was also 2 years ago. I'll definitely squeeze the meetings in though.
Certainly, there might be some truth in it, I know enough about him to see it fits him at least somewhat. Well, I guess it's a good profession if someone has that tendency, assuming they are aware of what they are doing. I don't think it's a problem if sometimes he also gets a bit entranced in his own world, we can always discuss that and adjust approach if necessary. I don't idealize him, follow his suggestions blindly, or anything like that. Certainly not when he imagines himself being the answer to everything Gottalife's post got me thinking... So is the ability to choose actions incompatible or mutually exclusive with living a spiritual life? I think choices can be both good and bad, sane and insane, but wherever they come from, it's still us who execute the action. Same for any sort of spirituality I think: where the inspiration comes from is one thing but we act on it. I am not trying to create excuses to rationalize or justify my relapse, just wondering.
Yes I guess when we want to distort our reality using mind altering substances, it always comes from a place of perceived dissatisfaction, call it pain or anything.
GMO, that was a great metaphor for how a relapse feels. I only heard those things before, now I know it first hand. Yes the anticipation is what drives it, then maybe an hour under the influence is kinda okay, and all the rest (which is the biggest part) a hellish experience.
Anyhow, on the practical side, I did not have a very restful sleep but feel way better relative to yesterday. I'm glad because I'll have a few intense days with work where I need to focus and multitask a lot. It's kinda ironic that I always get sober at a time when my work schedule is most challenging, it was also 2 years ago. I'll definitely squeeze the meetings in though.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
oh, i think and experience "living a spiritual life" or at least progressing towards living based on spiritual principles very much all about choosing actions and following through.
nothing mutually exclusive; the opposite.
the "choice-thing" about drinking was the biggest stumbling block for me. i hung on and hung on to the rational idea that i must surely have choice and power and be exercising absolute free will every time i drank again when previously i had decided not to.
there were only two choices: either i was freely choosing, or, if i wasn't, i must be insane.
convincing myself my choice was free was easier than looking at the alternative.
nothing mutually exclusive; the opposite.
the "choice-thing" about drinking was the biggest stumbling block for me. i hung on and hung on to the rational idea that i must surely have choice and power and be exercising absolute free will every time i drank again when previously i had decided not to.
there were only two choices: either i was freely choosing, or, if i wasn't, i must be insane.
convincing myself my choice was free was easier than looking at the alternative.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
The good news in all of this is that none of us has to have a (or another) relapse.
We can learn from our own experiences and those of others.
For me, sobering up has been a lot about growing up.
I need both of those choices and actions in my life.
And both are a daily endeavor for me - the most important thing in my life by far, of course.
We can learn from our own experiences and those of others.
For me, sobering up has been a lot about growing up.
I need both of those choices and actions in my life.
And both are a daily endeavor for me - the most important thing in my life by far, of course.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi Friends.
Thanks again for thoughtful responses. I think I'll maintain this thread for a while when I can to share how my recovery from the relapse is going, I am really glad if it helps anyone and especially if it helps prevent relapses.
I went to an AA meeting last night, it was quite good. I also want to go to SMART meetings but those are trickier as they are not so abundant and the times often conflict with my work schedule. Will try on the weekend. I think I will also try (again) a few different AA groups, see if I feel like committing more seriously to any or if I want to choose a sponsor to do the steps.
Otherwise so far so good, I am super busy with work and will be for a couple weeks at least. I could really focus well yesterday on the different things I need to do, surprised that my mind is so clear and that my brain functions well. Yes it's definitely not like when I first got sober after many years of abusing alcohol, I think the two years of sobriety had a clear effect both physically and mentally, which of course makes a lot of sense. So glad I stopped that madness after two weeks and am back on track before the drinking would have become more damaging! I'm also in a fairly good mood now in spite of the work stress, minimal anxiety etc. And no craving or drinking urges so far, I think staying busy helps with this. Speaking of which, I need to get going now... See you later
Thanks again for thoughtful responses. I think I'll maintain this thread for a while when I can to share how my recovery from the relapse is going, I am really glad if it helps anyone and especially if it helps prevent relapses.
I went to an AA meeting last night, it was quite good. I also want to go to SMART meetings but those are trickier as they are not so abundant and the times often conflict with my work schedule. Will try on the weekend. I think I will also try (again) a few different AA groups, see if I feel like committing more seriously to any or if I want to choose a sponsor to do the steps.
Otherwise so far so good, I am super busy with work and will be for a couple weeks at least. I could really focus well yesterday on the different things I need to do, surprised that my mind is so clear and that my brain functions well. Yes it's definitely not like when I first got sober after many years of abusing alcohol, I think the two years of sobriety had a clear effect both physically and mentally, which of course makes a lot of sense. So glad I stopped that madness after two weeks and am back on track before the drinking would have become more damaging! I'm also in a fairly good mood now in spite of the work stress, minimal anxiety etc. And no craving or drinking urges so far, I think staying busy helps with this. Speaking of which, I need to get going now... See you later
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I was thinking about something quite interesting (to me anyway) yesterday and thought that I would post about it because it's about the analysis of my relapse and it's larger context. How it happened and perhaps can happen to others as well if they are similar to me in some respect.
So I was responding on a thread a couple days ago about at what age we got sober. I just wrote there that I got sober first time a month before my 40th birthday and second time (recently, if we can call this "getting sober" since it's only been 5 days) exactly 1 month after my 42th birthday. Then suddenly I remembered what a member here on SR told me in PMs over a year ago about how some people apparently relapse around anniversaries... I recalled that again around my two year sober anniversary, but then it fell out of my consciousness completely and just came back as I wrote that post.
Now all this may be coincidence, or it may not be. I just find it intriguing as generally, apart from my first sober date, I really never seemed to care much about anniversaries, neither mine nor other people's (I'm also chronically bad remembering birthdays etc). I did celebrate my one year and two year sober anniversaries though in a healthy and joyful but quiet way because I felt so strongly about those. But I almost never celebrate my own birthday either, sometimes other people do when they know it and when I let them. Now this is something I have recently looked at in more depth in therapy because it came up in a larger context. It seems like I tend to ignore dates that represent important events in my life that "just happened" (such as my birth) and I did not actively contribute with a whole lot of struggle. Well, birth is also a lot of struggle of course, I guess one of the two biggest traumas every person experiences (alongside death) but you know what I mean... So ignoring "passive" anniversaries is a way for me, one of many ways, to tune down my importance, to feel insignificant and to even push other people away when they want to celebrate me etc. Similar with how I generally have issues accepting compliments and feel especially like running away when someone goes on and on with praise and acknowledgements about me. Not as much as when I was younger because I became aware of this years ago and worked on it, but it still typically triggers some antagonism in me. Want to always run away from the spotlight... but then I seek attention, and sometimes a lot of it, in convoluted, destructive, dramatic ways. Perhaps the last sentence here is something many addicts can relate to? I was thinking that perhaps the people (including now myself) who relapse on or close to anniversaries might be driven by a similar unconscious force? Dunno. I am not even sure that I am, just speculating.
It's of course nice to hear when people tell me to be gentle on myself and forgive myself given the amount and diversity of stress and pain I have experienced within the last year. I think I actually don't play self blaming games at all about this relapse, don't even feel ashamed. I did for a day or two when I was just coming out of it but not now. But I also don't want to minimize the impact and the significance of jumping into a two-week alcoholic madness, I think it helps me more to think about how and why it happened rather than just dust myself off and move on as though it's no special event.
My relapse, the actual picking up on the day when it happened, was definitely not an acute response to stress or pain on that very day, but to good news that I did not expect at all. Can unexpected good news be traumatic as well for certain people? I was doing reasonably "well" with the stress and emotional pain. Then I receive the news that I got a promotion at work with an unusually large pay raise. I was thinking wtf?! Why did I get that, did not even believe based on an email, only when I went to check out my payroll info online. Still puzzled. Then what do I do? Go to the liquor store and start pouring vodka "on it".
So I am thinking now, what sort of crazy masochistic person am I? Can stand the ongoing stress and handle traumatic experiences in the moment, then want to kill even a momentary genuine natural good with addiction to self-destructive behaviors (this was also a pattern in the far past when I had an eating disorder).
Anyhow, luckily I did not let it go further than 2 weeks. Ironically, yet again (this was also the case first time I got sober), my substance-free attachments played a big role in regaining my right mind. During the last 2-3 days of my relapse, I could not think of almost anything but how I will most certainly destroy all the good things in my life with drinking again, especially my career and the relationship with my husband. Some attachments are certainly good -- it's just a weird (but entirely natural) phenomenon that addiction happens when the mechanisms that create healthy attachments are hijacked. But this is something that is well-known in science and I have also known it for a very long time.
Still doing well. I went to a SMART meeting yesterday. It was a little weird, people ended up debating and almost fighting over a pretty minor thing when discussing practical methods that can help with cravings. I guess it's not always like that and people also come and go, next time it may be a different group so I will definitely go back.
Oh, and on the cravings... now that's interesting. I did have a few yesterday, but they were very different from the very powerful alcohol cravings I experienced first time getting sober and during the relapse. A psychologically different experience. I did sense the thoughts and feelings that typically come with a craving for me, but as though they were coming from a "place" isolated from "me" by an invisible glass wall. What I mean is that I was not even applying any urge surfing techniques, AVRT or whatnot consciously, just experienced the urges this way. I was thinking, what might be splitting my consciousness that way? Then the answer that came to mind was all the great things that are going on in my life now, the good life I was living in the last 2 years, especially the last one, before the relapse. Losses and pain included, those are also part of a normal life after all. I feel I definitely prefer those healthy attachments now over the addiction, cravings or not. The larger context of my life that I am part of but it's much more than myself and I can continuously contribute to it and be creative with it as long as I don't destroy it and myself. It also came to my mind in an instant thinking of these things today that perhaps I've just become aware of what my higher power is... which I kinda realized before but not as clearly as the thoughts and feelings today
So I was responding on a thread a couple days ago about at what age we got sober. I just wrote there that I got sober first time a month before my 40th birthday and second time (recently, if we can call this "getting sober" since it's only been 5 days) exactly 1 month after my 42th birthday. Then suddenly I remembered what a member here on SR told me in PMs over a year ago about how some people apparently relapse around anniversaries... I recalled that again around my two year sober anniversary, but then it fell out of my consciousness completely and just came back as I wrote that post.
Now all this may be coincidence, or it may not be. I just find it intriguing as generally, apart from my first sober date, I really never seemed to care much about anniversaries, neither mine nor other people's (I'm also chronically bad remembering birthdays etc). I did celebrate my one year and two year sober anniversaries though in a healthy and joyful but quiet way because I felt so strongly about those. But I almost never celebrate my own birthday either, sometimes other people do when they know it and when I let them. Now this is something I have recently looked at in more depth in therapy because it came up in a larger context. It seems like I tend to ignore dates that represent important events in my life that "just happened" (such as my birth) and I did not actively contribute with a whole lot of struggle. Well, birth is also a lot of struggle of course, I guess one of the two biggest traumas every person experiences (alongside death) but you know what I mean... So ignoring "passive" anniversaries is a way for me, one of many ways, to tune down my importance, to feel insignificant and to even push other people away when they want to celebrate me etc. Similar with how I generally have issues accepting compliments and feel especially like running away when someone goes on and on with praise and acknowledgements about me. Not as much as when I was younger because I became aware of this years ago and worked on it, but it still typically triggers some antagonism in me. Want to always run away from the spotlight... but then I seek attention, and sometimes a lot of it, in convoluted, destructive, dramatic ways. Perhaps the last sentence here is something many addicts can relate to? I was thinking that perhaps the people (including now myself) who relapse on or close to anniversaries might be driven by a similar unconscious force? Dunno. I am not even sure that I am, just speculating.
It's of course nice to hear when people tell me to be gentle on myself and forgive myself given the amount and diversity of stress and pain I have experienced within the last year. I think I actually don't play self blaming games at all about this relapse, don't even feel ashamed. I did for a day or two when I was just coming out of it but not now. But I also don't want to minimize the impact and the significance of jumping into a two-week alcoholic madness, I think it helps me more to think about how and why it happened rather than just dust myself off and move on as though it's no special event.
My relapse, the actual picking up on the day when it happened, was definitely not an acute response to stress or pain on that very day, but to good news that I did not expect at all. Can unexpected good news be traumatic as well for certain people? I was doing reasonably "well" with the stress and emotional pain. Then I receive the news that I got a promotion at work with an unusually large pay raise. I was thinking wtf?! Why did I get that, did not even believe based on an email, only when I went to check out my payroll info online. Still puzzled. Then what do I do? Go to the liquor store and start pouring vodka "on it".
So I am thinking now, what sort of crazy masochistic person am I? Can stand the ongoing stress and handle traumatic experiences in the moment, then want to kill even a momentary genuine natural good with addiction to self-destructive behaviors (this was also a pattern in the far past when I had an eating disorder).
Anyhow, luckily I did not let it go further than 2 weeks. Ironically, yet again (this was also the case first time I got sober), my substance-free attachments played a big role in regaining my right mind. During the last 2-3 days of my relapse, I could not think of almost anything but how I will most certainly destroy all the good things in my life with drinking again, especially my career and the relationship with my husband. Some attachments are certainly good -- it's just a weird (but entirely natural) phenomenon that addiction happens when the mechanisms that create healthy attachments are hijacked. But this is something that is well-known in science and I have also known it for a very long time.
Still doing well. I went to a SMART meeting yesterday. It was a little weird, people ended up debating and almost fighting over a pretty minor thing when discussing practical methods that can help with cravings. I guess it's not always like that and people also come and go, next time it may be a different group so I will definitely go back.
Oh, and on the cravings... now that's interesting. I did have a few yesterday, but they were very different from the very powerful alcohol cravings I experienced first time getting sober and during the relapse. A psychologically different experience. I did sense the thoughts and feelings that typically come with a craving for me, but as though they were coming from a "place" isolated from "me" by an invisible glass wall. What I mean is that I was not even applying any urge surfing techniques, AVRT or whatnot consciously, just experienced the urges this way. I was thinking, what might be splitting my consciousness that way? Then the answer that came to mind was all the great things that are going on in my life now, the good life I was living in the last 2 years, especially the last one, before the relapse. Losses and pain included, those are also part of a normal life after all. I feel I definitely prefer those healthy attachments now over the addiction, cravings or not. The larger context of my life that I am part of but it's much more than myself and I can continuously contribute to it and be creative with it as long as I don't destroy it and myself. It also came to my mind in an instant thinking of these things today that perhaps I've just become aware of what my higher power is... which I kinda realized before but not as clearly as the thoughts and feelings today
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I was also thinking, it's interesting to start over my sober journey on the week before Easter. I am not a religious person but I do easily appreciate any culture and belief when they are helpful and constructive to people. I definitely have a feeling and intention to take my sober life to another level But I'll try not to forget that it can only work if I stay mindful of today and every present moment. This is something I have not been doing too well so far. Seeing the big picture and thinking "big" is something that comes naturally for me, but sometimes I forget that anything larger, while I believe it's usually more than just the sum of its elements (I've always liked that sort of gestalt view), still starts with the moments that build it up. Similarly destruction, picking up a drink, happens in a particular moment even though I am a firm believer of the view that relapses typically start before the picking up moment/day, often long before. Self awareness can help with the latter but also, how we actually react to something in particular moments is key to successful recovery.
Looking back on my two years of sobriety now, I see so many holes in it and also all that stuff we discussed on my other thread before this one, that I could not let go of my cravings for "out of ordinary" things and a similar self image. I think it's about time and don't think it requires giving up creativity and ambition, quite the opposite, I think it would be a much needed and constructive process of integration into a genuine form of reality. I know that my form of individualism is often very attractive to others, but I also tend to overdo it and become self absorbed in it. And that usually happens when I lose connection with the momentum, then I lose connection with the larger picture and environment I otherwise want to be part of, and then sh*t happens. I mean, my escapes and wishes to alter my reality. Time to be more mindful of this now!
But I'll try not to forget that it can only work if I stay mindful of today and every present moment. This is something I have not been doing too well so far. Seeing the big picture and thinking "big" is something that comes naturally for me, but sometimes I forget that anything larger, while I believe it's usually more than just the sum of its elements (I've always liked that sort of gestalt view), still starts with the moments that build it up. Similarly destruction, picking up a drink, happens in a particular moment even though I am a firm believer of the view that relapses typically start before the picking up moment/day, often long before. Self awareness can help with the latter but also, how we actually react to something in particular moments is key to successful recovery. Looking back on my two years of sobriety now, I see so many holes in it and also all that stuff we discussed on my other thread before this one, that I could not let go of my cravings for "out of ordinary" things and a similar self image. I think it's about time and don't think it requires giving up creativity and ambition, quite the opposite, I think it would be a much needed and constructive process of integration into a genuine form of reality. I know that my form of individualism is often very attractive to others, but I also tend to overdo it and become self absorbed in it. And that usually happens when I lose connection with the momentum, then I lose connection with the larger picture and environment I otherwise want to be part of, and then sh*t happens. I mean, my escapes and wishes to alter my reality. Time to be more mindful of this now!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Me too, Aellyce
A very quick (yeah, sure) welcome back to you Aellyce - I have to get to bed soon, being on my first day home after a two week inpatient stint in rehab. The (obvious) reason: a month and a few days relapse. All that you write about - and that others have said - I totally relate to. Even the parts that seem so contradictory when reading the thread as a whole. After all, our alcoholism (whether active or 'in remission', as it were) is full of contradictions and seeming baffling paradoxes.
Anyway, my recent relapse culminated in the first serious attempt at taking my own life (won't go into gory details) in probably a few years, landing me in the local hospital ED for about 36 hours. I had to wait about another nine days before getting a bed in rehab, and so miserably drank as little as I could manage each day to stave off withdrawals.
I only mention this because it brought my psychological barriers to continued sobriety into starker relief (to the psychiatric and psychological staff in rehab) - via the local hospital bringing the local community health acute mental health (CAT) team in to do home visits and phone calls to me while I waited for my admission date.
Totally freaked my daughters out (again), my long time friend and my eldest sister - my only surviving family since our middle sister suicided about 16 months ago. You can imagine......
Anyway, I so want to say: 'we're all in this together, at whatever stage we're at'. You achieved longer sobriety than I have ever done and I know too that I have to stick with the positives in my life, gleaned from the hard work of those sober months I had over the past four years. And now, the hard work resumes back home in 'real life' outside rehab: AA / NA, GP, day patient groups, getting a psychologist for one-to-ones, dealing with those damn drinking thoughts or cravings, managing mental and emotional health in the simplest of daily situations, the housework, my dog, my garden etc etc - all with significantly worsened spinal pain (cervical spine mostly) and worsened COPD tiredness / fatigue. Sheesh!
But for me, at least, the primary helpful practice is meditation / mindfulness / relaxation practices several times a day, both 'on the fly' and for 'formal' periods of time. We do a great deal of this in the rehab I attend as in- and out-patient, in fact, it's integrated into all the hospital's psychiatric and dual-diagnosis AOD ward programs. It's my main saviour, sort of the grounding for all of the above modalities.
As Freshstart so often says, in closing: 'onward!' And as dear Robby used to say:
Off to bed now for me, but will try to catch up with this very timely thread during our AEST tomorrow (Weds).
Love,
Victoria
PS sorry for any garbled / non-edited bits, I really must get to bed. Am obsessive about such things, so could end up staying up just copy editing
Anyway, my recent relapse culminated in the first serious attempt at taking my own life (won't go into gory details) in probably a few years, landing me in the local hospital ED for about 36 hours. I had to wait about another nine days before getting a bed in rehab, and so miserably drank as little as I could manage each day to stave off withdrawals.
I only mention this because it brought my psychological barriers to continued sobriety into starker relief (to the psychiatric and psychological staff in rehab) - via the local hospital bringing the local community health acute mental health (CAT) team in to do home visits and phone calls to me while I waited for my admission date.
Totally freaked my daughters out (again), my long time friend and my eldest sister - my only surviving family since our middle sister suicided about 16 months ago. You can imagine......
Anyway, I so want to say: 'we're all in this together, at whatever stage we're at'. You achieved longer sobriety than I have ever done and I know too that I have to stick with the positives in my life, gleaned from the hard work of those sober months I had over the past four years. And now, the hard work resumes back home in 'real life' outside rehab: AA / NA, GP, day patient groups, getting a psychologist for one-to-ones, dealing with those damn drinking thoughts or cravings, managing mental and emotional health in the simplest of daily situations, the housework, my dog, my garden etc etc - all with significantly worsened spinal pain (cervical spine mostly) and worsened COPD tiredness / fatigue. Sheesh!
But for me, at least, the primary helpful practice is meditation / mindfulness / relaxation practices several times a day, both 'on the fly' and for 'formal' periods of time. We do a great deal of this in the rehab I attend as in- and out-patient, in fact, it's integrated into all the hospital's psychiatric and dual-diagnosis AOD ward programs. It's my main saviour, sort of the grounding for all of the above modalities.
As Freshstart so often says, in closing: 'onward!' And as dear Robby used to say:
Off to bed now for me, but will try to catch up with this very timely thread during our AEST tomorrow (Weds).
Love,
Victoria
PS sorry for any garbled / non-edited bits, I really must get to bed. Am obsessive about such things, so could end up staying up just copy editing
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