BackToSquareOne

I know I can't have the good parts of drinking without all the bad parts. The thought of going through all the withdrawal, depression, anxiety and other fun things is just not worth it. If I could only have the good parts it would be a different story.

strategery

Courage-I hope you feel better soon. One of the things I think about when I sometimes think about drinking is this, "considering the cravings are what they are at after x months of sobriety, how much worse is it going to get if I pick up?"
I know that answer and I don't want to deal with that ever again. I've seen enough people here struggle after picking up one time. It's not worth it.
Another thing that goes through my head when I think about picking up is something from Nonsensical, which is "starve that beast".He had more colorful language, but you get the idea.

silentrun

That's it. I'm taking off my pants.

courage2

I rather suggest you put on your steel-toed boots.

PS I don't want anyone to think that because I'm joking now, my original post was a prank. There was a response here, now removed, that brought me at least temporarily to my senses. I'm grateful for that. I wish everyone a sober day/night. Even if "it" isn't better sober, you are.

silentrun

OK the pants stay on...for now. I didn't think you were pranking. A little comic relief goes along way when stressing. It's a great coping skill.

Dee74

If there's one line to take away from this thread, that's it

Life still has it's ups and downs but, having experienced both, I'd much rather do this sober, than not sober. No contest.

Glad you went with the pants on prerogative silentrun lol
D

dwtbd

Yeah I like that one too^^^^^

Venecia

I'm glad we were all able to keep our boots and pants on today.

Stay sober.

fini

But I bet a lot of relapses have started for stupider reasons.
but courage2, you have no reason.
none.
there is no reason.


a thought takes hold...so you said.
what are you feeding it?

gaffo

Somebody was talking about tequila today, how it was or was not better than it used to be. It made me remember drinking that horrible Cuervo Gold decades ago and how much better tequila is now. Or is it? I was surprised at myself for not having any temptation, no romance. The same thing when I pass the beers or the wine in the store. They used to call to me but now they don't, except maybe to notice that they are much more expensive than they used to be.

I give thanks every day for not craving alcohol and/or being drunk any more. It totally lost it's luster, if it ever had any. I am totally blessed to be done with it.

courage2

Fini, do you think there's ever any "reason" for a relapse? I think there's just a desire to be drinking again. It's not rational.

I didn't feed the desire (I hope) -- I dropped it off here, where it was suitably knocked about and for the time being extinguished.

silentrun

I thought from your post that is what you were doing. I have had to make a few of those myself. It works. To quote Anna Nalick in Breathe (2am); If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer Inside of me threatening the life it belongs to. One time I was right on the brink of relapse and a few of my SR friends helped me out. Mostly just getting it out of my head and into the real world does the trick.

How are you feeling today? Today is going to have to be day 1 with the pants for me.

fini

courage, frankly, i don't know. relapse happens, so there's a cause before the picking up. cause isn't "reason", though.
and the facile trite" because that's what alcoholics do/"because at certain times the alcoholic has lost the power of choice"" seems to me as true as anything else. hm no, more so. though i don't want it to be so
but no, there is no rational reason to drink again.

as for the second part...let me be my picky self: i didn't ask what you were feeding the desire, but was speaking to "a thought takes hold..." part. that seems to me the dangerous part. this relates to me: i can have desires or urges or "gottagottadrink!" moments, but that's different from a thought taking hold.
i have thoughts taking hold at times about carbs, and can feel the thought taking hold and that somehow there's fertile ground in me for that thought to take root and flourish. i may not desire it as such, but the process is started and somehow fed or snowballs...
it's a distinction between thought and desire that i can't really articulate, but the "thought" part is more like compulsion/obsession than plain old desire.

hm...you dropped it off here...turned it over to somewhere other than yourself?

IWLSAST

If I'm lucky...thoughts about my being a recovering alkie will remain the most important part of my every day existence. (i.e. 1/6 thought of the day - 24 hours a day book)

If need-be, I can look at myself on any day at any time asking if I am I closer or further away from a drink? In is never a constant. I believe there is a safe range. If I put a few days together getting closer, I know it is time to pull my toolbox out and possibly ask for help.

Asking for help still is a challenge for me. Just a few weeks ago I had dinner with my ex (we hadn't eaten together in a restaurant in 9 years). We are getting along quite well these days. Very friendly. We slid right into a split of two items...our staple. Bottom line, it was ver comfortable.

I drank hard for the majority of our time apart. I acted like a kid in a candy store in returning to the dating world. I was every bit the active alkie...till 6/3/2013.

Recovery has gone great in so many ways...however, I never mourned the loss of my best friend an amazing partner for 25 years. On my drive home that day - I began that process. My way to cope was my old alkie way...isolate and feel sorry for myself.

I have worked hard on humility v ego in recovery...or so I thought. Yet, when I really needed the humility to ask for help to heal a wound, it wasn't to be found.

I was getting closer to a drink for days. That drink might have been only a few weeks away if I didn't take healing action...who knows, maybe months away. One thing for sure, it was going to happen.

Finally, I took action (progress, not perfection). Stopped isolating, I found humility and asked a select few for help. I'm not over that loss by a large degree...but I have a much better perspective.

Courage...that you for your humble and honest posting about the monster we fight. For me, a reminder to ask for help. My guess is that you are feeling further away today? You rock!

Carlos

Gilmer

(((Carlos)))

courage2

Ah, Carlos, I've missed you, you old devil! I'll light one of my 2 Marlboros per day & think of you.

Yes, I'm further away from a drink today than yesterday. And yes, it's because I didn't nurture the thought.

And yes, fini, I let the desire, the seed of self-pity & comfort-seeking, become a thought. Why? An idle mind, I suppose. If I'd let my reasoning faculties get to work, I'd be growing a relapse plan now, even as I write this. But I'm not. Your responses -- especially one -- caught my interest, and I got distracted from alcoholic thinking by recovery and cartoons and SR taking off her pants. Good enough for a daily reprieve!

Tooshabby

Yes, I got quite distracted by SR taking her pants off too......lol

Fantastic posts everyone!! Can relate to so much said here.

Yay Courage!!! You grabbed that thought by the scruff of the neck, shook the crap out of it, and threw it down victoriously. Awesome :-)

P.S. Dee can spell 'prerogative'. I'm seriously impressed by that. Now I can too!

fini

so then i googled 'a thought takes hold' as i thought surely there must be a few poems that include this line, but nada.
this led me to "how small a thought it takes to fill a whole life", which is a "thought" of Wittgenstein's.
this then led immediately to this:http://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&...xIRl0QQIwVUwPA.
never heard of it or him.


what a double edged sword a small thought that fills up a whole life can be!

glad you came out this side of it.

kittycat3

I really quite enjoyed this thread. And I'm glad you muscled thru your craving. I hope you are feeling better soon.

courage2

Dear fini! That's rather a beauty for & from Wittgenstein.

The closest literary parallel I can think of for a thought taking hold is "The Tell-Tale Heart":

I'm glad to see you kittycat! How are you?