Dealing with stressful situation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Norway
Posts: 169
Dealing with stressful situation
Greetings to everyone. Don't know where to post it, so I'll do it here as I need some life advice. As it's an alcoholism forum, I'll start with the fact I'm sober for about 2 months. And current situation with my mom doesn't help it.
I visit my parents twice a week at their countryhouse 50 km away from my town. Recently there are a lot of conversations about my life, and every normal man should have a family and kids at 34. I always had troubles interacting with women but it's another story. She then continues to tell me that she is so worried about my "situation" that she can't sleep properly at night because of this. More and more talking follows, and if I try to tell it's my life and I can do what I want,
she doesn't listen.
Other connecteed topic is my work. I'm self employed - I own a small internet based business which goes on well for about a decade. Mom tells me I'm not normal because I don't work in the office, don't interact with people and therefore can't find a wife.
These convos pop up practically every time, I feel extremely down and guilty, and can't shake the feeling for a day or two. I'm trying to rebuild my life, began doing some sports, watch my food to lose weight (I'm fat), go out more, etc. Oh, and they don't know anything about my "issues" with alcohol.
I know it's long, but what should I do. Thanks for reading.
I visit my parents twice a week at their countryhouse 50 km away from my town. Recently there are a lot of conversations about my life, and every normal man should have a family and kids at 34. I always had troubles interacting with women but it's another story. She then continues to tell me that she is so worried about my "situation" that she can't sleep properly at night because of this. More and more talking follows, and if I try to tell it's my life and I can do what I want,
she doesn't listen.
Other connecteed topic is my work. I'm self employed - I own a small internet based business which goes on well for about a decade. Mom tells me I'm not normal because I don't work in the office, don't interact with people and therefore can't find a wife.
These convos pop up practically every time, I feel extremely down and guilty, and can't shake the feeling for a day or two. I'm trying to rebuild my life, began doing some sports, watch my food to lose weight (I'm fat), go out more, etc. Oh, and they don't know anything about my "issues" with alcohol.
I know it's long, but what should I do. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
At 32 I'm also unmarried without kids, but some time ago I learned to stop worrying about other people's expectations for my life!!
That's their problem at the end of the day, if people aren't sleeping or eating over my life, it's great that they care, and you have to recognise that is what it is, family care and they want to see us do well, but it's their own stress they are putting themselves under, you don't have to sign up to any of it!!
That's their problem at the end of the day, if people aren't sleeping or eating over my life, it's great that they care, and you have to recognise that is what it is, family care and they want to see us do well, but it's their own stress they are putting themselves under, you don't have to sign up to any of it!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
Hi freddybear, mom's worry. That's what they do. You are a good son for visiting so often. Maybe try to just "smile and nod" at her comments about your personal life.
What should you do? Be as happy and healthy as you can. It sounds like you've got a plan already with getting out more, losing weight and cutting out alcohol. BTW congrats on successfullyrics working a small business, not many can do that!
What should you do? Be as happy and healthy as you can. It sounds like you've got a plan already with getting out more, losing weight and cutting out alcohol. BTW congrats on successfullyrics working a small business, not many can do that!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
I can relate, as my desire to please everybody has been part of my deal since I was little. One of my deepest revelations in recovery has been that this MUST STOP.
No more. -I'm a good guy, I'm doing my best. And when it comes to the thought of "normal", I just take my blinders off and look around. Most of us (people) are figuring it out as we go along, and some of us are lost in the safety of our ridgid convictions.
I'm not impervious to life-style critique, but I am building a foundation that seems to be working better all the time. I try to tell my father immediately now when he does his thing, I appreciate the advice but, I am different than him in many ways.
The old way was feeling " less than" and anesthetizing myself. I'm done with that way. Didn't work.
No more. -I'm a good guy, I'm doing my best. And when it comes to the thought of "normal", I just take my blinders off and look around. Most of us (people) are figuring it out as we go along, and some of us are lost in the safety of our ridgid convictions.
I'm not impervious to life-style critique, but I am building a foundation that seems to be working better all the time. I try to tell my father immediately now when he does his thing, I appreciate the advice but, I am different than him in many ways.
The old way was feeling " less than" and anesthetizing myself. I'm done with that way. Didn't work.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
Hey, it is your life. I know your mom loves you, and you love her. Just smile a lot, and keep on keeping on. Sounds like you have a good plan. My son just got married and he is 39. First marriage, and no kids. I say good for him. I just want him to be happy, and I am sure your mom feels the same. Hang in there. Stick with your plan. Sounds like you have your head on straight.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,580
I can relate, FreddyBear. I love my mom, but she has a way of leaking out mild criticisms of me, or just sharing her worries and opinions, and it's kind of hard to take.
I had to be careful in early sobriety not to spent too much time with her, because she kinda pushes my buttons. I still visited her, just not quite as often, and kept my visits short. Now it's getting easier, because I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin. But I still safeguard my sobriety and am careful not to linger too long at her house.
It sounds like you're taking a lot of really good positive steps ... my suggestion is to protect your sobriety and prioritize taking good care of yourself. Try to practice setting boundaries with your mom, changing the subject or just asking her to please stop. You're doing so well, don't let her advice (which may be well-intended, but is not helpful) derail you from all the positive steps you're taking.
I had to be careful in early sobriety not to spent too much time with her, because she kinda pushes my buttons. I still visited her, just not quite as often, and kept my visits short. Now it's getting easier, because I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin. But I still safeguard my sobriety and am careful not to linger too long at her house.
It sounds like you're taking a lot of really good positive steps ... my suggestion is to protect your sobriety and prioritize taking good care of yourself. Try to practice setting boundaries with your mom, changing the subject or just asking her to please stop. You're doing so well, don't let her advice (which may be well-intended, but is not helpful) derail you from all the positive steps you're taking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by Purpleknight 
At 32 I'm also unmarried without kids, but some time ago I learned to stop worrying about other people's expectations for my life!!
That's their problem at the end of the day, if people aren't sleeping or eating over my life, it's great that they care, and you have to recognise that is what it is, family care and they want to see us do well, but it's their own stress they are putting themselves under, you don't have to sign up to any of it!!
That's their problem at the end of the day, if people aren't sleeping or eating over my life, it's great that they care, and you have to recognise that is what it is, family care and they want to see us do well, but it's their own stress they are putting themselves under, you don't have to sign up to any of it!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5,384
I visit my mom once a week. She's in a good, safe place and has her own apartment in a senior citizen, assisted living home.
She means well but is so controlling and always tries to boss me around and wait on her. I'm nice but refuse to let her boss me around and wait on her. I remind her that's what her caretaker is for who comes to her place once a day.
I remind her that this is an equal relationship and that I'm not in this world to live up to her approval and expectations. That I'm simply her adult son who comes here to visit his mother out of love.
She is a very wise woman and is good with people. She's always been a people person. So we talk and I listen to her advice when she wants to give it. I don't always follow it. But I listen.
My once a week visit is for about an hour. I then give her a hug, we both say we love each other, and I open the door and go.
My advice is to listen to your mother, but also remind her that you're her adult son and that it's healthiest to have an equal relationship and that you're not in this world to live up to her expectations.
She means well but is so controlling and always tries to boss me around and wait on her. I'm nice but refuse to let her boss me around and wait on her. I remind her that's what her caretaker is for who comes to her place once a day.
I remind her that this is an equal relationship and that I'm not in this world to live up to her approval and expectations. That I'm simply her adult son who comes here to visit his mother out of love.
She is a very wise woman and is good with people. She's always been a people person. So we talk and I listen to her advice when she wants to give it. I don't always follow it. But I listen.
My once a week visit is for about an hour. I then give her a hug, we both say we love each other, and I open the door and go.
My advice is to listen to your mother, but also remind her that you're her adult son and that it's healthiest to have an equal relationship and that you're not in this world to live up to her expectations.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Can you tell them how you feel? Looks like you spend a fair amount of time with them and having to endure that twice a week is tough. If you are uncomfortable telling them, maybe write a letter.
With three children, I'd want to know if I was making them uncomfortable. But then, mine have no problem being very candid!
You're a really good son to drive all that way twice a week.
With three children, I'd want to know if I was making them uncomfortable. But then, mine have no problem being very candid!
You're a really good son to drive all that way twice a week.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hey Freddy - congrats on 2 months - awesome
I had to divorce myself from my family for a while - for 2 years we communicated only by phone.
your mum not being able to sleep because you're unmarried is in no way your problem, lol.
Her opinions on your job situation aren't your problem either.
You're an adult man of 34 and as an adult you get to run your life the way you see fit...not your mum.
If a total divorce isn't practical, maybe cut back the visits - once a week or once a month?
D
I had to divorce myself from my family for a while - for 2 years we communicated only by phone.
your mum not being able to sleep because you're unmarried is in no way your problem, lol.
Her opinions on your job situation aren't your problem either.
You're an adult man of 34 and as an adult you get to run your life the way you see fit...not your mum.
If a total divorce isn't practical, maybe cut back the visits - once a week or once a month?
D
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Geez - it's so nice (not) of your Mum to be telling you how 'abnormal' you are. What, because you're single and are self-employed?! Sounds pretty normal to me.
I agree, if needs be put some distance between you, even if it's just making a deliberate point of not engaging in certain conversations. It's actually pretty easy to shut people down if you just respond with brief replies that they can't 'bounce off'. I finally figured that out with my Mum. She is a super critical person, so now I don't really reply much when she's griping about or criticising others or myself. Just don't let the conversation go anywhere, sort of thing. Change the subject. Your Mum will get it, eventually :-)
Congratulations on your sobriety!!!
I agree, if needs be put some distance between you, even if it's just making a deliberate point of not engaging in certain conversations. It's actually pretty easy to shut people down if you just respond with brief replies that they can't 'bounce off'. I finally figured that out with my Mum. She is a super critical person, so now I don't really reply much when she's griping about or criticising others or myself. Just don't let the conversation go anywhere, sort of thing. Change the subject. Your Mum will get it, eventually :-)
Congratulations on your sobriety!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 524
Try not to let the opinions of others twist your reality, even if it's your own mother. All that matters is you're working on your own happiness. You are only 34 and I think it's pretty great that you have 2 months sober and there is absolutely nothing wrong with owning your own business. Kudos to you for going out of your way to visit your mother despite knowing you're probably up for another dosing of criticism from her on how to run your life. Just don't let that get in the way of your sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Norway
Posts: 169
Thanks you all so much for replying, I'm thinking about cutting back the contact a bit. But yesterday I posted this right after another "conversation" and I went out of control and raised my voice, which I regret now. Did not speak a lot in the morning and left pretty fast, with obvious tension.
Told many times, yesterday it ended up in a quarrel. I know it may sound like not a big deal, but all things in my life are going pretty bad (excluding financial part):
- getting a treatment for a nasty STD (drunken mistake, don't know whether it will be cured fully or not);
- involved in a bad road rage accident followed by speeding. Been caught, got a speeding ticket of ~$12000 and barely dodged a 18 jail time due to a good lawyer (another ~$8000);
- Have no one to talk to. Burned bridges in drunken stupor, with no change of repair.
All of these are absolutely my fault, but everything combined really get me think I have destroyed my life.
Originally Posted by FLCamper
Can you tell them how you feel? Looks like you spend a fair amount of time with them and having to endure that twice a week is tough.
- getting a treatment for a nasty STD (drunken mistake, don't know whether it will be cured fully or not);
- involved in a bad road rage accident followed by speeding. Been caught, got a speeding ticket of ~$12000 and barely dodged a 18 jail time due to a good lawyer (another ~$8000);
- Have no one to talk to. Burned bridges in drunken stupor, with no change of repair.
All of these are absolutely my fault, but everything combined really get me think I have destroyed my life.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by FreddyBear
I know it may sound like not a big deal, but all things in my life are going pretty bad (excluding financial part):
- getting a treatment for a nasty STD (drunken mistake, don't know whether it will be cured fully or not);
- involved in a bad road rage accident followed by speeding. Been caught, got a speeding ticket of ~$12000 and barely dodged a 18 jail time due to a good lawyer (another ~$8000);
- Have no one to talk to. Burned bridges in drunken stupor, with no change of repair.
All of these are absolutely my fault, but everything combined really get me think I have destroyed my life.
- getting a treatment for a nasty STD (drunken mistake, don't know whether it will be cured fully or not);
- involved in a bad road rage accident followed by speeding. Been caught, got a speeding ticket of ~$12000 and barely dodged a 18 jail time due to a good lawyer (another ~$8000);
- Have no one to talk to. Burned bridges in drunken stupor, with no change of repair.
All of these are absolutely my fault, but everything combined really get me think I have destroyed my life.
Given the drinking related consequences you are going through, hearing your mom prattle on about your work and not being married must be infuriating. Her concerns must seem pretty trivial compared to what's happening or is going to happen in your life.
But look at it this way, them being in the dark about it isn't helping. Have you thought about telling your folks how bad things are?
On the other hand, if you decide to keep it a secret, there isn't a whole lot you can to but ignore it, as your mom is unlikely to change.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
If it were my situation, I would no more tell my mom than flap my arms and fly to the moon. That would just be adding one more iron to her fire.
What I would tell her is, "With all due respect, Mom, if you don't stop nagging me, I'll have to cut back on my visits"--then make good on your word if she doesn't honor you.
Congratulations on 2 months! Have you considered AA or a similar face to face group?
What I would tell her is, "With all due respect, Mom, if you don't stop nagging me, I'll have to cut back on my visits"--then make good on your word if she doesn't honor you.
Congratulations on 2 months! Have you considered AA or a similar face to face group?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
march to the beat of your own drum. Its good she cares but at the end of the day your the one that has to live your life and deal with its outcome etc..
Its hard but its totally ok to live life according to your own expectations and limitations etc.. For years i listened as i tried to meet all these seemingly impossible expectations. Some I could meet but it was a struggle and I realized I only was doing it to gain approval from anyone but me.
I sometimes think to the horror of everyone around me I'd be content being a homeless guy or the trash man or something.
Its hard but its totally ok to live life according to your own expectations and limitations etc.. For years i listened as i tried to meet all these seemingly impossible expectations. Some I could meet but it was a struggle and I realized I only was doing it to gain approval from anyone but me.
I sometimes think to the horror of everyone around me I'd be content being a homeless guy or the trash man or something.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi FreddyBear and all.. Moms are hard.. and I am a Mom.. but have had to see to much over the years... My Mom is grand and I deal with my children like she did with me.. Kids and Beans its my Pop.. now he is gone.. hahaha at my Daughters wedding 22 years ago.. two great Transv.. all dressed for Mellys wedding showed up and had to sit with my Pop. at the dinner and drinks time.. ekekkeke... I floated over acouple of times.. got hugs from my friends and tears of joy over Melanies wedding.. as they walked away.. all 6 foot plus of them... my Pop said Arda why could you not have turned out like them.. under my breath as I walked away.. well Pop I would have been born a male .. and not given birth 4 times for you to be here... Parents kids we can't live with out them and can't live with them.. hugs so proud of all of you.. why cause I just am. and as a Mom an Aunt an Great Aunt Ardy... I see parts of you no one else does.. and that is why I know you are doing just GREAT as Tony Tiger would say.. get out there and show the World the real you and Keep Punching.. ardy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
Freddy, I know that it seems your life is destroyed right now...I'm going through a divorce and it takes all my courage sometimes to believe that things will turn out okay- but they will. Same for you.
I would definitely avoid visiting your mom for a while, just for your own sanity. Or, the next time she mentions how she's losing sleep over your life, tell her that the subject is off the table and you don't want to hear about it again. Period.
Hang in there...
I would definitely avoid visiting your mom for a while, just for your own sanity. Or, the next time she mentions how she's losing sleep over your life, tell her that the subject is off the table and you don't want to hear about it again. Period.
Hang in there...
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