Just breathe for me.*graphic in a not good way*
Tired
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
You've got enormous self hate and pity going on.
Is that bad? No: because we all go through that, addicts. It is reality for us, our universe constricts so tightly that all we can acknowledge is our daily, constantly pain. Is that bad? Yes: because at this point, our selfish whirlpool of guilt and horror make us forget what it's like to understand we are not alone, that others feel as keenly as we do, that there are others who are standing right there, strangers even, who have been through this, offering a hand to us.
Addicts are selfish for a reason; we want to live, but are depressed. We want to excuse ourselves, and wake up sober and are ashamed. We want to do better, and are our worst enemy when we fail. So our world becomes the daily war, and we can't accommodate anyone else, there is barely enough room for your own struggling self.
It is very, very hard to come out of that. It may take months, years.
Don't be so hateful to yourself. You are still here, you are trying.
The difference between one human who has money and one who does not: Self awareness and self worth.
A very lovely answer, if our world were fair. It is not.
Be thankful for what you have. Be aware that you are blessed. Be awake to that.
Keep on here keep trying, keep persevering.
You are worthy.
Is that bad? No: because we all go through that, addicts. It is reality for us, our universe constricts so tightly that all we can acknowledge is our daily, constantly pain. Is that bad? Yes: because at this point, our selfish whirlpool of guilt and horror make us forget what it's like to understand we are not alone, that others feel as keenly as we do, that there are others who are standing right there, strangers even, who have been through this, offering a hand to us.
Addicts are selfish for a reason; we want to live, but are depressed. We want to excuse ourselves, and wake up sober and are ashamed. We want to do better, and are our worst enemy when we fail. So our world becomes the daily war, and we can't accommodate anyone else, there is barely enough room for your own struggling self.
It is very, very hard to come out of that. It may take months, years.
Don't be so hateful to yourself. You are still here, you are trying.
The difference between one human who has money and one who does not: Self awareness and self worth.
A very lovely answer, if our world were fair. It is not.
Be thankful for what you have. Be aware that you are blessed. Be awake to that.
Keep on here keep trying, keep persevering.
You are worthy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
thanks. look up, roxborough fire. those were my friends.
im ok. went to a.a. yesterday not today, its in richfield i dont like richfield. just got a bed today, a kitchen table 2 chairs and they just need cleaned up. someone gave me a roast, 4 or 5 pounds of potatos, a pack of bacon and bologna, a bag of chips and 4 packs of ramen, and a half drank bottle of sprite.
actually talking to my exes mom. she went to a.a. yesterday. is actually nice she dont hate me and isnt causing great anxiety. thinking about firing my lawyer getting a cheaper one, the expensive lawyer isnt helping anything
im ok. went to a.a. yesterday not today, its in richfield i dont like richfield. just got a bed today, a kitchen table 2 chairs and they just need cleaned up. someone gave me a roast, 4 or 5 pounds of potatos, a pack of bacon and bologna, a bag of chips and 4 packs of ramen, and a half drank bottle of sprite.
actually talking to my exes mom. she went to a.a. yesterday. is actually nice she dont hate me and isnt causing great anxiety. thinking about firing my lawyer getting a cheaper one, the expensive lawyer isnt helping anything
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
I used to be in a pretty bad state, some of the things you've described sound like feelings I've had in the past.
I think a lot of the people here at SR. Have had difficult feelings to deal with and blocked hat out by using and then continuing to use because of the addiction to the self medication and, at the time, in the midst, the grip of it, we don't see the spiral leading down to further self hatred.
I'm so glad you haven't had a drink, that's great news.
The White Walls sound fantastic too 😉
The thing that I needed to address was your thought that we would judge you harshly here"....
I've been the woman that hit her husband, got him arrested & carried on drinking.
I think you're very brave and I also think you should try to appreciate the positive things in your life.
Thinking of you and your battle
I believe in me
Believe in YOU
You are the only you, oh, and none of us are born bad, evil, whatever. Your soul is good
Keep coming back here & keep on keeping on
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
I think a lot of the people here at SR. Have had difficult feelings to deal with and blocked hat out by using and then continuing to use because of the addiction to the self medication and, at the time, in the midst, the grip of it, we don't see the spiral leading down to further self hatred.
I'm so glad you haven't had a drink, that's great news.
The White Walls sound fantastic too 😉
The thing that I needed to address was your thought that we would judge you harshly here"....
I've been the woman that hit her husband, got him arrested & carried on drinking.
I think you're very brave and I also think you should try to appreciate the positive things in your life.
Thinking of you and your battle
I believe in me
Believe in YOU
You are the only you, oh, and none of us are born bad, evil, whatever. Your soul is good
Keep coming back here & keep on keeping on
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
well her mom went to a.a. im going to atleast be notified of my sons birth.
after talking i think im going with a cheaper lawyer. i think im more focused now on proving shes a danger to my son, than fighting the assault charge. thinking of filing for sole custody and just move back to denver. i could give a **** anymore. Having pretty bad day.
after talking i think im going with a cheaper lawyer. i think im more focused now on proving shes a danger to my son, than fighting the assault charge. thinking of filing for sole custody and just move back to denver. i could give a **** anymore. Having pretty bad day.
Helloooooooo.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 34
I'm 28 too and have self harmed for years. I mean since I was 11, I used to stand there and bite my hand till it bled, then I started to cut, well we weren't allowed to cry or shout or do anything really without repercussions, so it became the only way I knew how to vent.
The cause is another issue so I don't want to go off track here, but I can understand you're desire to harm yourself, it makes me feel better. It honestly makes me feel better, it's hard to explain that but this is what makes it addictive, the rush after.
Then obviously it's sore, and you don't want people to see so you avoid situations where people might see, then you're annoyed cus you did it...but it still isn't enough to not do it again.
I stopped self harming from 2012-2014 because I learnt to manage my emotions FINALLY, it took so long to have to adjust to the fact that it's ok to cry and it's ok to tell people and not feel ashamed of my body. It didn't happen over night, it was a process a loooooooooooong process but you get there, and there was relapses here and there but I didn't let it stop me, a monetary relapse, nobody is 100 percent perfect so i allowed myself room.
Plus if I tan in the sun the scars don't tan and I look like a zebra, haha I mean it comes out like stripes.
I'm not ashamed of it anymore, I just tell people. And I don't get annoyed when some people say self harmers do it for attention because well that's their problem,if they are going to be too stupid to pass comments on things they know nothing about then they are probably too stupid to even care about anyway...anyway...back to the topic...,
I understand your need to self harm and have that release.
I had a relapse myself this last few weeks, something happened and I had never had to face something like it before and the only release. I could get was from harming myself. I am kinda like awwwwwhhh now look what I've done, and well I thought ok well it's not a sin, and I can't keep doing this and most of all I am not a freak, so you are not a freak for it I can tell you right now!
Anyway, I just spoke about it. I told my friend what I had done and another friend, like I didn't go shouting it from the rooftops but i shared my feelings.
I dont know what I'm getting at now lol, do you get that when you just type as it comes out your head haha. Hmm well anyway please take care, if you want to talk to me about self harming send me a mail, don't feel ashamed.
Plus moving to a new town, I took two years to actually make friends when I moved country, I tried and felt like nobody wanted to be my friend! Anyway, this was like 8 years ago and the situation is great...
It will happen. Message me if you wanna chat though.
The cause is another issue so I don't want to go off track here, but I can understand you're desire to harm yourself, it makes me feel better. It honestly makes me feel better, it's hard to explain that but this is what makes it addictive, the rush after.
Then obviously it's sore, and you don't want people to see so you avoid situations where people might see, then you're annoyed cus you did it...but it still isn't enough to not do it again.
I stopped self harming from 2012-2014 because I learnt to manage my emotions FINALLY, it took so long to have to adjust to the fact that it's ok to cry and it's ok to tell people and not feel ashamed of my body. It didn't happen over night, it was a process a loooooooooooong process but you get there, and there was relapses here and there but I didn't let it stop me, a monetary relapse, nobody is 100 percent perfect so i allowed myself room.
Plus if I tan in the sun the scars don't tan and I look like a zebra, haha I mean it comes out like stripes.
I'm not ashamed of it anymore, I just tell people. And I don't get annoyed when some people say self harmers do it for attention because well that's their problem,if they are going to be too stupid to pass comments on things they know nothing about then they are probably too stupid to even care about anyway...anyway...back to the topic...,
I understand your need to self harm and have that release.
I had a relapse myself this last few weeks, something happened and I had never had to face something like it before and the only release. I could get was from harming myself. I am kinda like awwwwwhhh now look what I've done, and well I thought ok well it's not a sin, and I can't keep doing this and most of all I am not a freak, so you are not a freak for it I can tell you right now!
Anyway, I just spoke about it. I told my friend what I had done and another friend, like I didn't go shouting it from the rooftops but i shared my feelings.
I dont know what I'm getting at now lol, do you get that when you just type as it comes out your head haha. Hmm well anyway please take care, if you want to talk to me about self harming send me a mail, don't feel ashamed.
Plus moving to a new town, I took two years to actually make friends when I moved country, I tried and felt like nobody wanted to be my friend! Anyway, this was like 8 years ago and the situation is great...
It will happen. Message me if you wanna chat though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
Im at the point idk 7 days sober. I dont care who is my friend friends just screw you over in the long run. after everything homeless wise i kinda just feel so shat on by this town I dont give a ****. I went to the library to get some .25 cent books that nobody checks out after 4 years they sell for a quarter. The librarians start whispering. Idk its like that everywhere and the girls who would check me out when i was with my girl are starting to holler when i drive by alone. Idk. My girl called some meth head now hes living in the house i paid for. just makes me want to fight for full custody of my son now whenever hes born. pay for **** tests for everyone. Im worried about my son being there. I dont even care about my charges even though thats why the whole town judging me.
My anxietys through the roof. all i can do is be patient. I pretty much dont trust anyone. everyones fake. Just wanna fight for my son full custody if i gotta go homeless paying for it oh ****** well when its done i can move back to my grandmas in colorado and provide a stable life. Im pretty sure i found a razor blade and im pretty sure thats just switching from one thing to another I'm not a scientist. so goodbye to a week of no booze. I'm getting tired of talking. save yalls nice words for someone who wants to hear them. i just want someone to sit next to me because they want to on not a any level other than sit next to you , my nieces used to but those days are gone.
My anxietys through the roof. all i can do is be patient. I pretty much dont trust anyone. everyones fake. Just wanna fight for my son full custody if i gotta go homeless paying for it oh ****** well when its done i can move back to my grandmas in colorado and provide a stable life. Im pretty sure i found a razor blade and im pretty sure thats just switching from one thing to another I'm not a scientist. so goodbye to a week of no booze. I'm getting tired of talking. save yalls nice words for someone who wants to hear them. i just want someone to sit next to me because they want to on not a any level other than sit next to you , my nieces used to but those days are gone.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Have you ever considered counselling?
You have some pretty big anger and resentment issues there...and just before you tell me they're justified - I'm sure you've had horrific things happen to you....
But there comes a point where you have to start to try and move past all that hurt or it will eat you alive from the inside, man.
I'm not some do-gooder guy who's never struggled either. I know what it's like and I know how alcohol and drugs can really feed that resentment and anger...
I needed a little counselling help to let go of the rage that was weighing me down and making me spin my wheels.
D
You have some pretty big anger and resentment issues there...and just before you tell me they're justified - I'm sure you've had horrific things happen to you....
But there comes a point where you have to start to try and move past all that hurt or it will eat you alive from the inside, man.
I'm not some do-gooder guy who's never struggled either. I know what it's like and I know how alcohol and drugs can really feed that resentment and anger...
I needed a little counselling help to let go of the rage that was weighing me down and making me spin my wheels.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 36
I have self harmed all my life:
Cutting
Punching
Hating
Boozing
Smoking
Doping
Isolating
It never stops because deep inside I feel completely utterly worthless
I recognize so much of myself in your writing
But, even though I do this stuff I have still had times of hapiness
They are just very different from what I thought life was going to be
I expected peace and solitude and instead got self hatred and a life wracked with anxiety
It is good to read what you write, it gives me perspective
I'm sorry you are in the world of hurt, but there are good times to be had
Cutting
Punching
Hating
Boozing
Smoking
Doping
Isolating
It never stops because deep inside I feel completely utterly worthless
I recognize so much of myself in your writing
But, even though I do this stuff I have still had times of hapiness
They are just very different from what I thought life was going to be
I expected peace and solitude and instead got self hatred and a life wracked with anxiety
It is good to read what you write, it gives me perspective
I'm sorry you are in the world of hurt, but there are good times to be had
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
15 years ago I got into the drug scene, had some amazing, fantastic times with various people, doing things I shouldn't, living the life of Riley, living on borrowed time.
Been there with the self harm thing & sucicidal so many times, long history of depression, actually I think that's where all of my self medicating came from, just trying to find a way to not hate myself so much.
I can only say the way my brain has changed since I stopped using (firstly class a's and more recently the booze) is hugely confusing with times where I think it will all be easier to give up giving up coz life is just so hard sometimes.
Thing is I haven't deliberately self harmed since I stopped using alcohol.
Still trying to get my head round why I didn't manage in the past but I guess the time was right then, right now, the only time I have is right now, this moment.
Being alone & watching my emotions pass by rather than acting on them is interesting, difficult but ultimately better for me.
With regard to the situation concerning your ex and your unborn child, I don't know how laws work over there (I'm in UK) but I would have thought the 'powers that be' are more likely to grant you custody if you are not a danger to yourself and if you are no longer an active alcoholic.
Just my 2 pennies worth.
Would be great to know what's happening in your life today.
Keep on keeping on
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Been there with the self harm thing & sucicidal so many times, long history of depression, actually I think that's where all of my self medicating came from, just trying to find a way to not hate myself so much.
I can only say the way my brain has changed since I stopped using (firstly class a's and more recently the booze) is hugely confusing with times where I think it will all be easier to give up giving up coz life is just so hard sometimes.
Thing is I haven't deliberately self harmed since I stopped using alcohol.
Still trying to get my head round why I didn't manage in the past but I guess the time was right then, right now, the only time I have is right now, this moment.
Being alone & watching my emotions pass by rather than acting on them is interesting, difficult but ultimately better for me.
With regard to the situation concerning your ex and your unborn child, I don't know how laws work over there (I'm in UK) but I would have thought the 'powers that be' are more likely to grant you custody if you are not a danger to yourself and if you are no longer an active alcoholic.
Just my 2 pennies worth.
Would be great to know what's happening in your life today.
Keep on keeping on
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
i went to a.a.
Probably going to go in 2 hours. cooked a roast all day in a crock pot that i borrowed and the roast was lent to me so i have food but it tastes so gross Its about to hit the dumpster. Havent ate at all today. I find eating to be one of the hardest things with sobriety. I tried asking about a sponsor 2 nights ago but I was ignored or something it was never acknowledged. Got money lent to me to help with the lawyer but its probably going to rent since theyve given me so much ******* time off this month. Been looking for a second job to not much avail. some dude at a.a. said i was depressed but I'm trying to not identify with that. 9 days and 7 a.a. meetings down.....
Ill boil eggs you cant **** those up i dont think. Right now im just chilling in my apartment. sitting in my kitchen in a chair someone stole from some town called venice that i found in a dumpster. Its painted on it is how i know. lol. Lots of coworkers live next to me. They all drink tho.
Goto court for assault and **** the 12th. trying to get a new lawyer. probably use that money on my ex tho so her and the kids have a place. for some reason still worry for them more then myself. idk if its cuz shes the mom of my son and daughter or what. whatever. Told someone yesterdat i found a fb group someone willing to sell me a gun, i deactivated my fb. If i get a gun I'm going to kurt cobain it.
people ask if i need anything i dont answer because i dont want to own anything anymore.
They say live life on lifes terms. well before this all happened god damn it life was on my terms . If i wanted a bowl of rice krispies by golly i worked hard enough and didnt eat anything for the day i could eat a box in 20 minutes. I just view it as sucking lifes dick one day at a time right now. Thats me being positive.
Probably going to go in 2 hours. cooked a roast all day in a crock pot that i borrowed and the roast was lent to me so i have food but it tastes so gross Its about to hit the dumpster. Havent ate at all today. I find eating to be one of the hardest things with sobriety. I tried asking about a sponsor 2 nights ago but I was ignored or something it was never acknowledged. Got money lent to me to help with the lawyer but its probably going to rent since theyve given me so much ******* time off this month. Been looking for a second job to not much avail. some dude at a.a. said i was depressed but I'm trying to not identify with that. 9 days and 7 a.a. meetings down.....
Ill boil eggs you cant **** those up i dont think. Right now im just chilling in my apartment. sitting in my kitchen in a chair someone stole from some town called venice that i found in a dumpster. Its painted on it is how i know. lol. Lots of coworkers live next to me. They all drink tho.
Goto court for assault and **** the 12th. trying to get a new lawyer. probably use that money on my ex tho so her and the kids have a place. for some reason still worry for them more then myself. idk if its cuz shes the mom of my son and daughter or what. whatever. Told someone yesterdat i found a fb group someone willing to sell me a gun, i deactivated my fb. If i get a gun I'm going to kurt cobain it.
people ask if i need anything i dont answer because i dont want to own anything anymore.
They say live life on lifes terms. well before this all happened god damn it life was on my terms . If i wanted a bowl of rice krispies by golly i worked hard enough and didnt eat anything for the day i could eat a box in 20 minutes. I just view it as sucking lifes dick one day at a time right now. Thats me being positive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Originally Posted by suicideseason 
i went to AA.
.
Havent ate at all today. .
some dude at a.a. said i was depressed but I'm trying to not identify with that. .
9 days .
probably use that money on my ex tho so her and the kids have a place. for some reason still worry for them more then myself. idk if its cuz shes the mom of my son and daughter or what. whatever. .
. well before this all happened god damn it life was on my terms . If i wanted a bowl of rice krispies by golly i worked hard enough and didnt eat anything for the day i could eat a box in 20 minutes. I just view it as sucking lifes dick one day at a time right now. Thats me being positive.
There are lots of difficult emotions which we've tried to block out with alcohol.
These emotions will resurface, especially during the first steps on the path to a sober life.
Learning how to handle emotions is important for the ex-drinker.
Lack of food, sleep & dopamine (brain chemical connected to feeling good/depressed) can seriously alter a persons mood & thinking.
SR is always here.
Hope AA is good for you tonight
Keep on keeping on
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Tired
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
Life is a big crock of crap at times.
As, I hope you comprehend right now; life, the dear mother isn't fair. We can whine all we want, especially if you've sucked off the fair teat of her mostly, because then comes the other sour half.
Some get gallons full of goodness, most get the ****. Then some get both. Most get half in half, if lucky.
Take care of thyself. You, to yourself. Right now. Get guidance, seek those to guide, but stay SMART. Others will seek to take advantage. A new road, warrior. No one is obligated to do it for you, most especially providence.
As, I hope you comprehend right now; life, the dear mother isn't fair. We can whine all we want, especially if you've sucked off the fair teat of her mostly, because then comes the other sour half.
Some get gallons full of goodness, most get the ****. Then some get both. Most get half in half, if lucky.
Take care of thyself. You, to yourself. Right now. Get guidance, seek those to guide, but stay SMART. Others will seek to take advantage. A new road, warrior. No one is obligated to do it for you, most especially providence.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
im doing this bout to end day 10 sober. and im pretty annoyed the person who said i could talk wont talk, i understand people have lives. I'm cranky. as for not eating its not really by choice if you cook and it tastes awful are you still going to eat it? Not me. it was blasphemy in my mouth. Id rather die then ask a police officer for help, id rather go hungry then try to put something in my mouth i tried to cook. These are facts to me. i know its my fault and im manning up to it. i use to weigh a healthy weight now im getting on the sninnier side, having this apartment less than a week and being homeless 34 days. If someone asks me for help, ill give advice, will i physically help them tho? Probably not. Im doing this on my own. you can to. youve been there, or you havent. Im happy to have a bed is about it. idk if i said this but i started cutting im sure soon they will be wrapped in duck tape so i dont bleed during work. Im pretty honest these days told someone its just like water under the bridge im not looking for shock awe attention. im just trying to get by, have someone to talk to so i dont feel like an alien all day.. i have a sponsor. Im about to get a second job so ill only have 4 free hours a day for sleep and whatnot, is about all im looking forward to.
I dont give a **** about my words .
I dont give a **** about my words .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Sounds much more positive! It seems like you've already come a long way in 10 days - well done.
Keep going, it IS getting better.
Actions speak louder than words....
You have the actions....
Keep on keeping on
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Keep going, it IS getting better.
Actions speak louder than words....
You have the actions....
Keep on keeping on
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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