WillLess

I've been trying to quit for what seems like an eternity now. I continue to fail. I made it 21 days once, about a year ago, then crumbled. Since then I haven't been able to go more than a few days, I think my last longest dry spell was 4 days.

I want to stop so badly. For me, for my wife, for my son, but I always fall back in the hole. I tried aa, but the strong religious influence of the meeting just made me feel out of place. I've never really been able to grasp region.

I struggle everyday. I wish there was a cure all, I wish I could drink like other people, but I can't. Every time I swear it will be different, that I won't binge, I won't embarrass myself, I won't drink. Every time I fail.

My life as an alcoholic ey...

Thanks for listening.

Dee74

Hi and welcome WillLess

The only cure all I know starts with the acceptance we can't drink like others do...and a willingness to try and stay sober, whatever it takes.

sounds to me like you're nearly there?

You'll fInd a lot of support and encouragement here. SR helped me resist the urge to drink and stay sober, more than once in the early days

D

BernieE

Welcomes to SR.! Read the stickies at the top of the forums and you'll find many good resources to help you get started. Many here have found success with AA while not embracing the religious aspect. There are other ways too. I have found I needed more than just giving up the drink, i needed to fill that time with more positive actions.

Your wife and son need you sober and present in their lives. The first step is not drinking, today. Take care of this moment and the next moment will follow.

Ghostlight1

Hello and welcome.
The fourth day was a struggle for me, too. I went through trying to quit for ten years.
Always failure. Always right back where I left off. It all seemed so impossible, not drink again forever? I felt I just couldn't do it.
I had become addicted to alcohol. It was out of my control. I was an alcoholic and alcohol had taken over my life.
Even with the nightmarish hangovers and withdrawals. Solemn oaths. Pouring it out.
I tried everything I thought I could.

I had a different experience with AA than you. I was willing to try anything. Willingness, that was a big part of it for me.
When I finally got up the nerve to attend a meeting, and it took awhile, I met others just like me who had successfully quit drinking. I was amazed, I thought I was alone with my bottle.
The religious aspect, if there actually is one, mattered not to me. I wanted to quit drinking and these people could help.

I wish I could say it worked the first time, but it didn't. I slowly stopped going to meetings, and I slowly started to drink ain. But the seed had been planted.
Others stopped drinking, so I could , too.
I found this place with more people just like me. It was a life saver.
With what I learned in AA and the haunting memories of my out of control drinking got me sober.
It's been four years now, and I was a daily out of control drinker, that I've been sober.

Sorry this is so long, but I was like you. There is hope. Willingness and an open mind will go a long way.
This place will offer you a lot of support. Some here use other methods of sobriety, but we all want to find sobriety.
I hope you find it, too. I was a drunk for twenty years and I wasn't 'cured' over night.
It takes effort. Put the effort you put into drinking and recovering into sobriety. Mae it first in you life.
You can do t. Best to you.

Ghostlight1

Hello and welcome.
The fourth day was a struggle for me, too. I went through trying to quit for ten years.
Always failure. Always right back where I left off. It all seemed so impossible, not drink again forever? I felt I just couldn't do it.
I had become addicted to alcohol. It was out of my control. I was an alcoholic and alcohol had taken over my life.
Even with the nightmarish hangovers and withdrawals. Solemn oaths. Pouring it out.
I tried everything I thought I could.

I had a different experience with AA than you. I was willing to try anything. Willingness, that was a big part of it for me.
When I finally got up the nerve to attend a meeting, and it took awhile, I met others just like me who had successfully quit drinking. I was amazed, I thought I was alone with my bottle.
The religious aspect, if there actually is one, mattered not to me. I wanted to quit drinking and these people could help.

I wish I could say it worked the first time, but it didn't. I slowly stopped going to meetings, and I slowly started to drink ain. But the seed had been planted.
Others stopped drinking, so I could , too.
I found this place with more people just like me. It was a life saver.
With what I learned in AA and the haunting memories of my out of control drinking got me sober.
It's been four years now, and I was a daily out of control drinker, that I've been sober.

Sorry this is so long, but I was like you. There is hope. Willingness and an open mind will go a long way.
This place will offer you a lot of support. Some here use other methods of sobriety, but we all want to find sobriety.
I hope you find it, too. I was a drunk for twenty years and I wasn't 'cured' over night.
It takes effort. Put the effort you put into drinking and recovering into sobriety. Mae it first in you life.
You can do t. Best to you.

LBrain

Welcome WillLess.

good points made above. The only "cure all" is to never ever drink again. It's guaranteed to work 100% of the time. How you get there is up to you. Whether you need meetings or other influences, getting support and a plan together is important.

And knowing and accepting the fact that alcohol will never be a part of your existence again. Once you get past that hurdle - it seems to be the toughest one - you can put your plan into action. You can do it. You just have to want to do it.

WillLess

That's the hard pill to swallow....never again. My mind hears that and races with every good time I've had, the laughs, the fun, excitement. It's never the crying, the self loathing, the disappointment, the hopelessness...

Support can be hard to come by for me. Very few people know the depths of my problem. I'm a liar, and very good at hiding my issue, if my wife knew the truth behind my guise I truly feel I'd lose her. The alcohol is always the doorway to my dark places, I'm spending more and more time there. It terrifies me.

I'm willing to do just about anything to over come this hurdle that's grown higher and higher. It all started to innocently, so gradually, I never saw the forest for the tress. Now I'm in the middle of this self grown forest and forgot to leave a trail of bread crumbs... lost.

Thanks for the encouragement.

doggonecarl

This is key. Not just saying you'll do anything. DOING anything. At this point, only action counts.

You mention only "trying" AA. Does that mean a couple meetings? The program of AA is the 12 steps. You might give it a decent go this time if you are really ready to try anything.

And there are other ways to recovery. But they all have one thing in common, a commitment to action and change. You too can have sobriety.

Ken33xx

Have you tried a variety of meetings? While it's true there's a strong religious influence in AA but not all meetings/members emphases that aspect of the program. I guess a lot depends on where you live.

In San Diego or San Francisco for example it's easy to find meetings where you'd feel comfortable expressing your reservations. Imo, that's what you need. Meetings where you'll feel at ease attending and sharing.

You can choose to work some or all of the 12-steps and/or get a sponsor when you feel the time is right.

Good luck!

WillLess

No I haven't tried many, it was only one in fact, perhaps this one in particular was more God centered than others. It just made me feel awkward as I wasn't raised in a religious household and have only ever been to church I think maybe 3 times in my life. So I just really couldn't relate, which made me feel that much more on my own.

I'll try to look into some others and see how that goes.

Right now I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with some of my triggers, or even trying to label them all, just seems life is a trigger. Happy, drink, sad, drink, bored, drink, everything seems to lead down the same road.

Boredom I think is a huge one for my though, I work from 6 am to 2 pm, I get home and no one is there, I try to do some house work or fool around on the computer, watch some tv, but the seeming isolation starts to get to me and the only thing that sounds right is go to the bar for the next 5, 6, 10 hours. I hate it. Any tips on how to be ok with just being quite and alone without running out to the bar or drinking until I don't care anymore.

That seems so odd to really say 'aloud', I have to drink in order to just be. That's not normal. It's really kind of gut wrenching to think about.

doggonecarl

Six to ten hours in a bar drinking isn't fighting boredom. You know that. You drink. That's what alcoholics do. And when we don't drink, we are discontent. We call that discontent boredom, because that's what it feels like. But it isn't.

Some things have to be suffered through and the discontent of early recovery is one of them. Find some activities or chores to keep your mind and body busy. Re-ignite old interests. Read. In particular, read recovery material. The Big Book of AA is online. You can take the crash course of Rational Recovery online too.

The main thing is to commit to never drinking and do whatever it takes to support that decision. When life is a trigger to drink, there's lots of work to do.

Boleo

There is no cure for alcoholism. However there is a solution.

I tried dozens of times to just not-drink ODAAT and it seemed like I was walking an endless tightrope One-Arduous-Day-At-A-Time.

Eventually I got a new GOD in my life that forced me to actually "DO" something ODAAT to treat my alcoholism. That new GOD was "Gift Of Desperation".

After having a Spiritual Awakening as the result of the steps. I found that the Spiritual Awakening solved my drinking problem for me. I no longer struggle to stay sober. I live a new way of life that attracts a Higher Power which in turn, manages my sobriety for me.

0percentABV

Here's your problem. Your will to not want to drink has to be greater than knowing you can't. Wishing you could still drink will only torture you and more than likely lead you to dipping your feet back in the booze hoping this time will be different. We've all been where you're at. That point where you understand you have a problem but wish you didn't. I fought it for 3 years. I just got sick of fighting. I got sick of trying to hold onto the past, when drinking was fun. It's over. There is no way back machine. Life goes forward. Go forward with it.

0percentABV

Seems like you want it to be over with. Just to wake up and have it all taken care of. Like everyone has said you need to take action. AA not your thing? Mine either. I went to therapy. A non religious guy. Just to talk. Just to make my alcoholism real. Before, I knew it, but it wasn't tangible. Now that I was seeing someone about it it became a real thing to me. It was in front of me and I was able to look at it and deal with it. Between those meetings I went to the gym. I went on a elliptical and moved. I went on many bike rides and hikes. Went to far off places and let my mind drift. I went shopping. Sometimes just not even buying anything, just got out and walked around to check stuff out. Tons of little stores out there. Explored fancy sodas. I was a craft beer guy, fancy sodas replaced them. Make different foods, spend and hour or two cooking. Recovery books and movies. Seen "Flight?" "The Lost Weekend" did you read "The Shinning?" a bit different than the movie. My first day of sobriety I picked up Duff MacKegan's (bass player for Guns and Roses) biography. Google "High on Alcohol." WHOA MAN! Get into it. Know it. Learn it. Begin to own your sobriety. Take pride in it. It will take a few months but soon you'll know what freedom is all about. You'll love the new you.

Soberwolf

This

WillLess

It does go forward, no matter how much we want it to go back. I truly do not what to drink, I want to have the willpower, it's embarrassing to know how difficult something like not putting something in your mouth and swallowing can be. But like you said, I'm searching for those fun times, but they're gone. They've been gone a long time now. Although I know they're gone, I still find myself searching for those beginning days, when it was fun, not depressing. I convince myself this time will be different. It never is. When I want the drink, my mind seems to forget everything I know. It's such a huge lie.
I've been drinking more and faster because I'm depressed that I'm drinking. I drink and then feel horrible about it, so I end up trying to pound down 4 or 5 beers to get past feeling terrible for drinking, and then just continue to drink.

It's vicious. I hate it. It's ruining me.

If only we could go back.....

LBrain

great stuff 0percent ABV...

I once told someone I didn't have the will power. The response was, "You just don't have the WON'T power."

Get the won't power instead. You won't do this to yourself any longer.

0percentABV

That was me, man. Completely. My last few months of drinking were so insane. And I'm not talking about volumes because they really weren't too crazy it was the fact that I was doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I'll drink only a 40 at 8 pm therefore by the time I finish it it will be close to bed and I'll cure my craving without drinking too much. Didn't work. I'll drink a couple beers at the bar before i bike home that way I'll burn off the booze and get my cure in me. Didn't work. I'll drink wine. Nope. I'll stick to only Friday's as a pat on the back for a good week. NOPE NOPE NOPE. Everything led to getting more and more bottles and drinking faster and faster. I knew I had to stop but I was just hoping that I would find that one method that would put out the tiny fires in my head and not lead me to a morning of regret. But alcoholism is progressive. Doesn't matter what you do or how long you haven't drank. 20 years sober? The moment you take a sip you'll be back where you left off. The bar get's set and there's no backsies.

But don't get down on yourself. We've all been there and felt like there is no hope. There is. You just got to sweat it out. Do whatever it is you have to do. For me I just absorbed myself in alcoholic stories, here on SR and in books and movies. I went to therapy. I spent Friday nights and Sunday mornings at the gym. I told myself I won't do AA, in-treatment, God whatever but when I drove drunk with my little girl in the truck with me and decided I wasn't in any place to say what was best for me. I opened all doors. In the end I was right, I'm still a heathen who doesn't go to AA, but I admitted I was powerless and that I will do whatever it takes to achieve sobriety. Today, even with my favorite brewery opening its new door 2 blocks from where I am now sitting, I'm thinking about how glad I am to have made the choice to stop drinking. Sure, I've run into many issues since but I've tackled them head on. Each cut I now get makes me stronger. When I was drunk I cured each cut with booze and I just got weaker and weaker. That's why old drunken barflys look defeated. It's because they are beat. Alcohol won. Don't let it beat you. RISE ABOVE!

tomsteve

The me part of we doesnt want to go back. It could have been worse.

Ya know, what I read ya Type reads like some of what the BB mentions.

It doesn't have to ruin you any more, but footwork is involved.

When I got into AA I didn't truly believe I would be able to have a happy productive life( like I had THAT with alcohol). But by putting in the footwork and giving it T.I.M.E., Welp, not only happy and productive but I have absolutely no desire to drink and haven't in a very long time.

Arbor

I like this a lot. ^^^

It sounds like you know what the right thing to do is which is good. Being honest with yourself is key. There are no more good times with alcohol. There will never be. You can do it. Good luck.