More Advice Needed! Potential (Recovering) Alcoholic Roommate
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 38
More Advice Needed! Potential (Recovering) Alcoholic Roommate
So if you read my previous posts then you may be aware that I'm going through a messy divorce, including living with my unfaithful wife and my replacement. So, that's enough back story for this post.
I'm currently in the process of finding a roommate to move in as soon as my wife moves out. I *think* I lucked out pretty quickly, as I posted an ad on CraigsList and got a response from a woman who is also in recovery. We exchanged a few e-mails then met up in person last night at a meeting. She seemed sweet and decent so we went out for coffee afterward. We have a lot of shared life experiences in terms of recovery: we are the same age, we have both been sober for the exact same amount of time (12 days... short, I know), we're both fresh out of bad breakups, we both had stints of sobriety in our past but have found a deep and committed renewal this time around, we come from similar socioeconomic backgrounds, and we are both have strong ties to our shared cultural background. We related well and seems very compatible with my style of living. Sounds great, right?
Here's the kicker: she has had a couple DUI's and is also facing a felony charge for illegal possession of medication without a prescription. So, there are legal issues at stake which could possibly lead to her not being my roommate for as long as I would like. Also, she is currently living in a group home, sober house and is unemployed. She assured me that she is well educated, with a background in business and is also a financially secure trust fund baby. I'm gong to verify all of this information with thorough criminal, background, and credit checks. She says that she wants to work and get a job or volunteer when she moves in, but she is just holding off until she gets somewhere stable since we live in such a large metro area and is really focusing on her sobriety right now. I totally understand that. We both disclosed we have co-dependency issues and I definitely have rescuing tendencies. I'm trying to make smart decisions knowing what I know about myself.
Also, I should clarify that she is a lesbian and I am 100% respectful of that. After everything I have gone through with my wife I want nothing to do with sex or relationships anytime soon. So there will be no attempts at 13th stepping from either party. I'm just in a very vulnerable position in my life right now and I don't want to make any other catastrophic choices. Some days I don't know up from down and left from right. I've never lived on my own as an adult before, so all of this is just really overwhelming. With that said....
My laundry list of questions:
1. Is a ridiculous idea for me to live with someone else so early on in recovery?
2. Would it be demeaning or just plain silly for me to require her to either work or volunteer for at least 20 hours a week? I know for most of us in recovery that idle hands are the devil's playground.
3. Are there any other aspects I may have missed that I need to inquire about?
God bless this online community! It really is helping me to keep my sanity these days.
I'm currently in the process of finding a roommate to move in as soon as my wife moves out. I *think* I lucked out pretty quickly, as I posted an ad on CraigsList and got a response from a woman who is also in recovery. We exchanged a few e-mails then met up in person last night at a meeting. She seemed sweet and decent so we went out for coffee afterward. We have a lot of shared life experiences in terms of recovery: we are the same age, we have both been sober for the exact same amount of time (12 days... short, I know), we're both fresh out of bad breakups, we both had stints of sobriety in our past but have found a deep and committed renewal this time around, we come from similar socioeconomic backgrounds, and we are both have strong ties to our shared cultural background. We related well and seems very compatible with my style of living. Sounds great, right?
Here's the kicker: she has had a couple DUI's and is also facing a felony charge for illegal possession of medication without a prescription. So, there are legal issues at stake which could possibly lead to her not being my roommate for as long as I would like. Also, she is currently living in a group home, sober house and is unemployed. She assured me that she is well educated, with a background in business and is also a financially secure trust fund baby. I'm gong to verify all of this information with thorough criminal, background, and credit checks. She says that she wants to work and get a job or volunteer when she moves in, but she is just holding off until she gets somewhere stable since we live in such a large metro area and is really focusing on her sobriety right now. I totally understand that. We both disclosed we have co-dependency issues and I definitely have rescuing tendencies. I'm trying to make smart decisions knowing what I know about myself.
Also, I should clarify that she is a lesbian and I am 100% respectful of that. After everything I have gone through with my wife I want nothing to do with sex or relationships anytime soon. So there will be no attempts at 13th stepping from either party. I'm just in a very vulnerable position in my life right now and I don't want to make any other catastrophic choices. Some days I don't know up from down and left from right. I've never lived on my own as an adult before, so all of this is just really overwhelming. With that said....
My laundry list of questions:
1. Is a ridiculous idea for me to live with someone else so early on in recovery?
2. Would it be demeaning or just plain silly for me to require her to either work or volunteer for at least 20 hours a week? I know for most of us in recovery that idle hands are the devil's playground.
3. Are there any other aspects I may have missed that I need to inquire about?
God bless this online community! It really is helping me to keep my sanity these days.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
I think maybe you are playing too close to the fire. You don't want to live alone, I get that, but jumping on the first person to answer an ad seems impulsive and reckless. With your own sobriety being fresh, do you really want to chance it on anothers fresh sobriety? If she slips, she could take you down as well. I would also question the validity of her claims about financial security. We all know how much alcoholics can lie, and her situation in life seems tenuous at best. I would rather have someone who is working a steady job and a steady program of recovery, if I were in your shoes. I don't mean to be mean, just you asked for opinions.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
well as for the relationship aspect i am not going to answer that.
but as a room mate i will
i would not pick her for the business aspect of it.
1) she is not working
2) she sounds like she has limited transportation DUI
3) she has a felony or soon the be on her record. employers will shy away from even giving her an interview. look at the employment rate now. people even with college degrees work at retail, manual labor and fast food. true, reality.
4) has not current employment or savings
5) sounds like she has not worked in a year or so. employment gap.
yea i sounds harsh. but what are you going to do if she does not pay rent? no money. you cannot throw people out like in the past. you have to go through the courts now and pay $$$$$$ takes months and months.
to me i rent out properties never get personally involved. it is business pure and simple. she needs a room, you need to money. not common interest, or friendship
but as a room mate i will
i would not pick her for the business aspect of it.
1) she is not working
2) she sounds like she has limited transportation DUI
3) she has a felony or soon the be on her record. employers will shy away from even giving her an interview. look at the employment rate now. people even with college degrees work at retail, manual labor and fast food. true, reality.
4) has not current employment or savings
5) sounds like she has not worked in a year or so. employment gap.
yea i sounds harsh. but what are you going to do if she does not pay rent? no money. you cannot throw people out like in the past. you have to go through the courts now and pay $$$$$$ takes months and months.
to me i rent out properties never get personally involved. it is business pure and simple. she needs a room, you need to money. not common interest, or friendship
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 524
No - bad idea. I'll share a story of personal experience. Earlier this year I sublet my place to a co-worker who was new in the company I work for and had just moved to town. I was going to stay with family out of town for a few weeks so I thought it'd be a win-win, give him time to find a permanent place and I would have help with the rent. Also turns out he was in recovery for one year from alcohol. He seemed like a stand up guy who had everything in order. We even went to a few meetings together and I found him to be a great encouragement in my early attempt at sobriety.
3 weeks later he had a death in the family and fell off the wagon hard. He was fired from the company for showing up to work intoxicated and it took me an additional 2 weeks to get him out of my place (I had to call his parents to come collect him in the end because he refused to leave)
You're walking on thin ice....
3 weeks later he had a death in the family and fell off the wagon hard. He was fired from the company for showing up to work intoxicated and it took me an additional 2 weeks to get him out of my place (I had to call his parents to come collect him in the end because he refused to leave)
You're walking on thin ice....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 524
ps. I'm not saying you should never room with a recovered alcoholic but it is WAY too early for that. Ideally you both should have years of sobriety under your belts at the very least and even that doesn't guarantee anything. Ask yourself how would I handle it if my roomie relapsed?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Originally Posted by CallMeButch 
Sounds great, right?
I'm sorry to say but it sounds like a recipe for complete disaster.
I speak from experience. Being a newcomer and surrounding myself with newcomers keeps me a newcomer.
I wish I could say it sounded like a great idea, but the chances of you both staying sober are not good, at all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The basics of "heck, no" have been covered pretty well already.
My additional observations:
1. If you don't need a roommate for financial reasons, don't get one.
2. If you do decide to have a roommate, keep it purely business. If this lady is a trust fund baby, you have no right whatsoever to "require" her to volunteer or get a job. Stay out of other peoples' personal business.
My additional observations:
1. If you don't need a roommate for financial reasons, don't get one.
2. If you do decide to have a roommate, keep it purely business. If this lady is a trust fund baby, you have no right whatsoever to "require" her to volunteer or get a job. Stay out of other peoples' personal business.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by biminiblue
The basics of "heck, no" have been covered pretty well already.
My additional observations:
1. If you don't need a roommate for financial reasons, don't get one.
2. If you do decide to have a roommate, keep it purely business. If this lady is a trust fund baby, you have no right whatsoever to "require" her to volunteer or get a job. Stay out of other peoples' personal business.
My additional observations:
1. If you don't need a roommate for financial reasons, don't get one.
2. If you do decide to have a roommate, keep it purely business. If this lady is a trust fund baby, you have no right whatsoever to "require" her to volunteer or get a job. Stay out of other peoples' personal business.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Don't do it!!!!! If you are going to live with someone in recovery they should have much more time in (and I am talking years here), and have no pending legal issues!
ps...I like the dog and cat idea. I have both, they are wonderful companions! When I divorced earlier this year, to deter my X from coming over, I got two cats. He is allergic, so while he can stop in shortly (we have children together), no drop in will last too long. Ha!!!
Just my .02
Good Luck!
ps...I like the dog and cat idea. I have both, they are wonderful companions! When I divorced earlier this year, to deter my X from coming over, I got two cats. He is allergic, so while he can stop in shortly (we have children together), no drop in will last too long. Ha!!!
Just my .02
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Since you think you need a roommate for financial reasons, then interview several.
I've had good and bad experiences with roommates. It doesn't seem to matter if they are acquaintances or random Craigslist types, in my experience. I would say to require a first, last, and security deposit. If it comes to having to evict them, it takes a couple months and you will be out rent for that time, so get it up-front. If it were me, I'd figure in the cost of shared expenses like water/utilities, and just make that part of the rent. One check per month, no chasing around for half-electricity etc. Then do a credit check and get references, and check them. They should pay for the credit check, it's about $40. If they are serious and responsible, they will be happy to agree.
Find someone who is low-key, not real talkative and/or needy. I wouldn't discuss my sobriety or how long it's been with prospective renters. I think it's great to require a sober house, but then keep the rest close to the vest. I would look for another man, not a woman - for lots of reasons.
I've had good and bad experiences with roommates. It doesn't seem to matter if they are acquaintances or random Craigslist types, in my experience. I would say to require a first, last, and security deposit. If it comes to having to evict them, it takes a couple months and you will be out rent for that time, so get it up-front. If it were me, I'd figure in the cost of shared expenses like water/utilities, and just make that part of the rent. One check per month, no chasing around for half-electricity etc. Then do a credit check and get references, and check them. They should pay for the credit check, it's about $40. If they are serious and responsible, they will be happy to agree.
Find someone who is low-key, not real talkative and/or needy. I wouldn't discuss my sobriety or how long it's been with prospective renters. I think it's great to require a sober house, but then keep the rest close to the vest. I would look for another man, not a woman - for lots of reasons.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like everyone's covered the territory pretty well.
If you really HAVE to find a roommate, I'd suggest one of the "roommate finder" services online. You can spell out any requirements (no booze, etc.). It's probably a better way to screen for someone compatible than just putting a post on Craigslist.
If you really HAVE to find a roommate, I'd suggest one of the "roommate finder" services online. You can spell out any requirements (no booze, etc.). It's probably a better way to screen for someone compatible than just putting a post on Craigslist.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I have no problem with any of the thoughts expressed by others on this thread.
My opinion, and I think that your OP bears this out, is that anything or anyone would seem better than what you've already been through.
My opinion, and I think that your OP bears this out, is that anything or anyone would seem better than what you've already been through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
I have no problem with any of the thoughts expressed by others on this thread.
My opinion, and I think that your OP bears this out, is that anything or anyone would seem better than what you've already been through.
My opinion, and I think that your OP bears this out, is that anything or anyone would seem better than what you've already been through.
In better news, I told my new friend (the woman I was considering as a roommate) that I had been advised by many folks in AA, including my sponsor, for her and I not to be roommates. She actually took it really well and seemed relieved, since her sponsor told her the same thing! We both had a good laugh about it. I told her I could really use a friend right now in recovery and she said she could too and that she was glad to have a friendship start out in complete honesty and good intentions.
So while I'm still a little freaked out about not having found a roommate yet, I'm also really happy to have found a friend I can relate to in the program. Thanks for all the advice and helping me sort though my nonsensical alcoholic brain.
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