Verte

Hello Haennie,

Being fully present right now means that your brain will not try to fill in the blanks in the future. This time will be just what it is today and tomorrow.

This is beautiful Haennie. We are so fortunate in life to be open to and experience transformation. You likely sense the enormity of this time that will stay with and inform your understanding for always. This is so beautiful and naturally you are afraid. Continue being present. So brave. Thanks for sharing this & hugs to you.

Dee74

I think finis advice is excellent.

I have no doubt you're scared and overwhelmed right now Haennie but those bottles will deliver absolutely nothing in the way of resolution.

Besides, the fact is...your dad needs you right now.
You need to be there 100%, as emotionally available as you are physically.

You're not alone tho...we're with you

D

Aellyce

Well, I could finally get some sleep last night. Thanks so much, everyone reading this and especially those of you that are responding. I remembered something my dad told me a long time ago, about me. He said that I was always a very curious and attentive child. He said that he had to learn how to communicate with me in that I usually would not give out obvious signs of appreciation while he (or others) talked to me. But always very visibly listening and taking in the information. He said (back them, again, many years ago) that I could use the lessons, information, and experience later in ways that could make the world drop jaws and re-evaluate their own standing. I believe this is also why many of my teachers in my life liked me, and were ready to break many professional boundaries even, to interact. But enough of self-love now

My dad woke up in a relatively good state and mood today, and I got the idea to organize a little gathering for us today. Invite some of his friends spontaneously... he's always been a very extroverted person and loved social life, including now. I ran the idea by him this morning and he gave me the go ahead, so I took his phone and started calling some of his friends, to come over today or tomorrow. I did not dump the wine last night as in the end I did not feel it was an acute threat I could not handle. I plan to have the bottles opened by my dad's friends that come over, and I hope they will enjoy drinking it. I won't!

Also, I feel so weird about organizing a "party"... I need to do this at work quite often, but have not done in private, for years!

Kris47

Haennie,

It's a very kind gesture for your dad. Live life as it is. That's all we can do. Moment to moment. It really is one day at a time. For not just us but all of us. These times can be bittersweet. Soak them in. I hope you can do this for quite some time. I know how proud you are of your dad. I know he is so proud of you, too. Big Hug.............

Aellyce

We had a couple really interesting days both with social life and discussing "end of life". I can't just give you guys an accurate "report" yet. It's complex and simple at the same time. Also practically. In any case, I will never, ever regret or even question the decision why I am here now. All of you who suggested, there really wasn't any other decent and acceptable way for me. It's just so bittersweet to be with my dad through all this, to talk with him about his life and my life, and just life... all these things that we obviously discuss to excess about human existence even here on SR. I would not trade this with anything.

OK now I'll try to go back to sleep.

Thanks again, all you friends, for being here always.

Aellyce

Something both very attractive and challenging to me... really unexpected, once again

One of my dad's newer friends that I did not know, and only met first time yesterday, breeds Siamese cats. He was here with us for a few hours along with a couple other people, and I asked what he does for living. He says he studies how minerals are formed (another scientist, aaah!), teaches the same topic, and breeds Siamese cats. That last bit was like a stab in my heart... I grew up with a Siamese cat. My mom got him when I was ~4 or 5. I still remember how "crazy" the cat was as an adolescent, before he got "fixed"... he would jump on me from unexpected places (I remember these quite clearly) and many other interesting behaviors. Very vocal, too - a characteristic of Siamese, I am sure those with experience know this. I had a weird love-hate (sometimes fearful) relationship with this cat as a child. He became the calmest and most mellow creature as he aged. Very easy to love. Very beautiful, too (I like that Siamese look, all of them, he was a chocholate point) with those mesmerizing blue eyes...

But I'd never developed a really close bound bound with that cat of my childhood. We mostly looked at each-other from an aloof distance. Yet, this is the animal from my childhood (there were many) that I always remember most vividly. Perhaps because of the unmet challenge to develop a connection with him.

So this guy I met yesterday, my dad's friend... just had a new litter. He says he had all pups subscribed months before birth, but he did not make the contract for all of them. He asked if I wanted to have one. They are 3 weeks today. I went to see them this morning. OMG... no more words right now.

This would be yet another tricky thing, but not something impossible or even extremely difficult. Should I get the kitten or not? I still don't live in an apartment that allows cats, and I have procrastinated looking for a new place (I've been looking vaguely but not intensely enough) and moving long enough. The owner of the cats says he would wait for 2-3 months with a pup to arrange transport as he trusts me. Not sure why he trusts me. And not sure...

Maybe this is just yet another one of those things so clear and crisp, it's almost ridiculous that I ask to help me decide?

Aellyce

I just asked my dad about this cat thing. He's doing OK now, we mostly sit and talk either in the garden or in the house (now). He said, as an answer to my kitten question: "you have always had an incredible ability to experience, bridge, and bring together past, present, and future, so why would you not do it now, with this cat even?"

Don't know. I think he is right. I feel guilty even thinking about cats and my NY life here and now. So chaotic in my head. So beautified and terrified. Don't know what to call it really, friends. Life? Sober, pure sober heart breaking and also reviving reality? I just don't know.

Again, thanks for listening.

Dee74

just my 02. but I would wait until you find a new place that allows cats, Haennie

D

desypete

i have a daughter who sounds just like you, she is busy busy busy, i miss her so much but i understand her work commitments and how she is as her own person, she has a heart of gold, i have watched her grow from a tiny tot to the women she is now, she has her own small business and puts her heart and soul into things

if i was dying tomorrow would i want her to be with me one last time ? i dont think i would, i would be happy that she is happy and that she can stand on her own 2 feet when i am not going to be around anymore
that is all a parent wants for there kids is to grow up and cope with life on there own so i have no worries on that deptartment

i have other kids who are living at home with me who i want to see move out and get a life of there own i dont expect my kids to be my parents when i am to old if i get to be a really old age

so ask yourself this how do you think your dad would would want you to behave ?

he might pop off tomorrow and you wouldnt be expecting it or be ready for it death has a habbit of doing that at the best of times there are no early warning signs at times, i could be dead tomorrow i might go to sleep tonight and never wake up again none of my kids would be expecting it and they would be getting on with there lives just like you are

so the bottom line has to be from you and how you feel about it but also what would your dad want ?
if your dad would want you to give up everything and come to see him then thats another kettle of fish but i find with parents they are happy when there kids are happy doesnt mean they dont want to see them more but its just how it is : )

Aellyce

I agree, Dee. At this point of my life. I think my "risky" speculation was mostly based on my life experiences with always finding a job first (often in a new country) and arranging housing afterward, when I arrived. But I ALWAYS did this alone, me only, never with dependents. I think an animal counts as a dependent and I should secure our home before I make such a commitment. I'm honestly very inexperienced with commitments other than in professional life, right now.

Aellyce

Desypete, I'm already here with my dad. For now. He never asked me directly to come, but we talk on the phone regularly and I think we know each-other a little... I am his only child. I came to be with him because I really wanted to, but I needed some help (got this from my therapist and from SR) to recognize, just how important he and our father-daughter relationship is, for me. And for him. He and I were always just like two kids playing puzzles with life... but also seriously. And as I grew up into a 20something, also two adults experiencing this "malady" of...life... We traveled together a lot, within our country and abroad. Sometimes we had breaks of communication, we were focused on other interests, other relationships. My dad would never want me to give up anything I like and seek... he was the person that had always encouraged me to follow my heart, no matter what, from very early early childhood.

I am not a parent of own kids, but I fully agree with you Desypete, about being happiest with any genuine happiness with our kids experience, wherever. I feel this intensely almost everyday when I teach and/or supervise students - my choice of "parenting", I guess.

So, again, I should think as responsibly about animals I might adopt as I do about my students.

Venecia

Perhaps there will be a Siamese cat in your life someday, Haennie.

There was a Siamese in my family as long as I can remember. The last one lived to be 21. My own Siamese lived to be 16.

They *are* beautiful. They are also a commitment.

Hope your time with your dad continues to be meaningful for both of you. Hang in there.

Aellyce

We had a party with a band playing this song on repeat in our place...

Instead of Siamese...

language decoded: try to read the pictures, no direct translation unfortunately, but it must show my interest in, and love of, variety
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAwbuL1iJP4