disappointment with other addicts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 112
disappointment with other addicts
After a short while of sobriety and AA I am feeling disappointed. I've met some great people in AA and have really taken joy in hearing their stories about their own recovery...and then they relapse. It seems hopeless sometimes and I am beginning to think maybe AA and online recovery groups my be discouraging for someone who is trying to quit drinking. What if someone a young person gets attached to (in early recovery) disappears and goes back to their old ways? I know that a huge part of recovery is establishing relationships with peers and mentors who have been through the same struggle, but what is there to do when those people suddenly disappear on you because they went back to drinking? I am a sensitive, compassionate person and i am finding this aspect of the recovery community difficult. Any thoughts or experiences are welcome 
Thank you!
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Melbourne, Victoria
Posts: 215
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
I am a young recovering alcoholic. I have made some bonds in AA so far. However, relapse happens. At the end of the day, my Sobriety is mine. I could let the relapse of a friend/acquaintance affect me negatively, but my desire to keep my Sobriety overides that. Call it selfsh, but then, Sobriety is the most selfish gift I've ever given myself. I keep going back to AA for me.
Bunnez
Bunnez
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I don't know if I can explain this very well, but I got sober at the age of 22. there was a passing parade of other young people, mainly through a large treatment centre, and I had trouble relating to these folks. They were quite "with it, or hip or whatever" and had formed close bonds through their treatment center experience. I wasn't a part of that cohort, if thats the right word.
I seemed to relate much better to the older members that had been around a while. My story was closer to theirs for one thing, and they seemed to have something special that I wanted. I stuck with them and stayed sober.
When I look back, I think I was looking for something different, a serious solution to my problem perhaps, while many of my contemporaries were mainly focussed on having fun. Not many of them are still around today. I suppose some slipped, some drifted away, who knows. But I needed to be with the people who lived the solution.
I go along with Whalebelow. I find the most useful groups for learning this way of life are based on the Big Book.
Through observation I have noticed it seems to mainly be the sponsors who stay sober. The trick is to find a sponsor to take you through the steps and teach you to take others through the steps, and then become a sponsor. That seems to be a very reliable way to get and stay sober.
I seemed to relate much better to the older members that had been around a while. My story was closer to theirs for one thing, and they seemed to have something special that I wanted. I stuck with them and stayed sober.
When I look back, I think I was looking for something different, a serious solution to my problem perhaps, while many of my contemporaries were mainly focussed on having fun. Not many of them are still around today. I suppose some slipped, some drifted away, who knows. But I needed to be with the people who lived the solution.
I go along with Whalebelow. I find the most useful groups for learning this way of life are based on the Big Book.
Through observation I have noticed it seems to mainly be the sponsors who stay sober. The trick is to find a sponsor to take you through the steps and teach you to take others through the steps, and then become a sponsor. That seems to be a very reliable way to get and stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 544
You have control over your mind, not outside events and certainly not other people. The strong cannot help the weak until the weak begin to help themselves. No one but themselves can change their condition.
Once you realize this, you'll feel far less disappointment.
Once you realize this, you'll feel far less disappointment.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
For me, learning to handle my disappointment with other addicts is an important part of learning to accept people the way that they are -- even myself -- without judgement.
I also need to learn to relax my expectations of others.
Or stop holding onto expectations entirely? Not sure that this is possible for me.
Given the wrong set of circumstances, I believe that each and every one of us could relapse.
Or I perhaps I should say that if I don't do the right things, I could relapse.
We can all learn from those who have.
And if we heed their warnings, we need not become warnings ourselves.
I also need to learn to relax my expectations of others.
Or stop holding onto expectations entirely? Not sure that this is possible for me.
Given the wrong set of circumstances, I believe that each and every one of us could relapse.
Or I perhaps I should say that if I don't do the right things, I could relapse.
We can all learn from those who have.
And if we heed their warnings, we need not become warnings ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
good thoughts there,katie.
it can frustrate me to see people both here and in AA fall back into active alcoholism/addiction. I work at keeping my frustration directed at the disease and not the person.i will on occasion call someone I haven't seen in some time. AA has taught me that is someone is not responsive to the message to walk away and seek out someone else who wants the help with eagerness. so that's what I do. working with someone who cant or wont help themselves does me no good, so I turn it over to God.
but some do come back. both here and in AA.
tells me a seed was planted and they knew where to go when they were ready.
it can frustrate me to see people both here and in AA fall back into active alcoholism/addiction. I work at keeping my frustration directed at the disease and not the person.i will on occasion call someone I haven't seen in some time. AA has taught me that is someone is not responsive to the message to walk away and seek out someone else who wants the help with eagerness. so that's what I do. working with someone who cant or wont help themselves does me no good, so I turn it over to God.
but some do come back. both here and in AA.
tells me a seed was planted and they knew where to go when they were ready.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
too me it seems like it doesnt matter if its quiting smoking starting an exercise program or deciding to eat a healthy diet or quit booze people will always fall off the wagon. it seems just too easy to slip up. Not every relapse is terrible not that I want to condone it. But i know some who relapse now and then and quickly get back on the wagon all in all there better off now then they where when they where daily drinkers so they have made progress.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
I've learned that my sobriety cannot rely on someone else. Statistically speaking the majority of people who try to get sober are going to relapse. Addiction can be a deadly disease and relapse is part of the reason why. That doesn't mean I have to experience relapse because it is preventable. The question I have to ask myself is am I willing to go to any length to treat my addiction? The answer to that question for me in the past has been no. The answer to that question for me today is yes.
I don't get disappointed or angry at the person who relapses, but I do have the utmost empathy for them as I have been there myself -- after years of sobriety. Sometimes it's hard not to take it personally when someone I know and care about relapses, but I have to remind myself that I don't have the power to keep anyone sober. All I can do is be there with open arms if/when they make it back.
I don't get disappointed or angry at the person who relapses, but I do have the utmost empathy for them as I have been there myself -- after years of sobriety. Sometimes it's hard not to take it personally when someone I know and care about relapses, but I have to remind myself that I don't have the power to keep anyone sober. All I can do is be there with open arms if/when they make it back.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Yes it is very tough. I am supportive, kind, and friendly to new commers but I do not allow myself to become emotionally invested because it hurts too bad when they fail. It is a sad reality but the number of people who realize long term sobriety is very low.
I pray for people new to recovery and hope they are able to find their way. One thing you will never know is how much recovery stuck and may be the key sometime in the future
I pray for people new to recovery and hope they are able to find their way. One thing you will never know is how much recovery stuck and may be the key sometime in the future
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I took it pretty hard the first time that someone relapsed that I was close to. I went through a guilty phase thinking maybe I could have done more, been a better friend, reached out more often, invited them to a meeting…it went on and on inside my head.
I talked to my sponsor about it and while she agreed that it is heartbreaking but people have a choice. They have the same chances we have. They can work the program, have a sponsor, work the steps and make connections with people and call those people before they relapse. They can choose to use those tools or not to.
If they don’t then they choose to drink/drug and it was their choice. Of course once they put that first one in them the choice is gone but many do not understand it or did understand but continue to try and test the waters.
Others choose to reach out and make that “I feel like drinking” call and talk it out, play the tape and do not choose to take that first drink.
There is nothing that I or you can do about the choice that some else makes. Just like nobody else has the option of controlling my choices. I choose to remain sober, what another chooses is none of my business and certainly not my fault.
My business comes into play when they reach out for help. They have to want it and they have to want to remain sober more than they want to drink.
I talked to my sponsor about it and while she agreed that it is heartbreaking but people have a choice. They have the same chances we have. They can work the program, have a sponsor, work the steps and make connections with people and call those people before they relapse. They can choose to use those tools or not to.
If they don’t then they choose to drink/drug and it was their choice. Of course once they put that first one in them the choice is gone but many do not understand it or did understand but continue to try and test the waters.
Others choose to reach out and make that “I feel like drinking” call and talk it out, play the tape and do not choose to take that first drink.
There is nothing that I or you can do about the choice that some else makes. Just like nobody else has the option of controlling my choices. I choose to remain sober, what another chooses is none of my business and certainly not my fault.
My business comes into play when they reach out for help. They have to want it and they have to want to remain sober more than they want to drink.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think it's sad that people in the program do not reach out to newcomers because they themselves do not want to get "hurt" when/if a newcomer slips.
It is said in meetings that the newcomer is the most important person in the room, but it sure doesn't feel that way as a newcomer. No one reaches out, no one asks for your phone number, no one acts like they actually care. The mindset in AA is the newcomer has to do all the reaching out. That's damn near impossible for someone coming off alcohol who has disabled themselves through isolation.
Now I read here that all those people who acted like I didn't exist were so fragile in their own recovery that they couldn't/wouldn't take the chance of being friendly to someone because there is a chance that new person might relapse? WOW. That's enlightening. Ego preventing the 12th Step. Apparently it isn't really all that important to help the suffering.
Good to know. I'll be fine without AA. I don't think that is a good tactic to help the newly sober. I feel they need kindness and understanding and friendship.
It is said in meetings that the newcomer is the most important person in the room, but it sure doesn't feel that way as a newcomer. No one reaches out, no one asks for your phone number, no one acts like they actually care. The mindset in AA is the newcomer has to do all the reaching out. That's damn near impossible for someone coming off alcohol who has disabled themselves through isolation.
Now I read here that all those people who acted like I didn't exist were so fragile in their own recovery that they couldn't/wouldn't take the chance of being friendly to someone because there is a chance that new person might relapse? WOW. That's enlightening. Ego preventing the 12th Step. Apparently it isn't really all that important to help the suffering.
Good to know. I'll be fine without AA. I don't think that is a good tactic to help the newly sober. I feel they need kindness and understanding and friendship.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
Wow.
I'm sorry that your experience of AA has left you feeling unwelcome.
In the meetings I go to, the newcomer is very popular and can't help but collect at least a couple of phone numbers at the end of the meeting.
I don't remember much of my first meeting except that two men came up to me after the meeting and offered me their numbers.
I called them.
They, and others in the fellowship, were there when I needed them.
I'm sorry that your experience of AA has left you feeling unwelcome.
In the meetings I go to, the newcomer is very popular and can't help but collect at least a couple of phone numbers at the end of the meeting.
I don't remember much of my first meeting except that two men came up to me after the meeting and offered me their numbers.
I called them.
They, and others in the fellowship, were there when I needed them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I think it's sad that people in the program do not reach out to newcomers because they themselves do not want to get "hurt" when/if a newcomer slips.
It is said in meetings that the newcomer is the most important person in the room, but it sure doesn't feel that way as a newcomer. No one reaches out, no one asks for your phone number, no one acts like they actually care. The mindset in AA is the newcomer has to do all the reaching out. That's damn near impossible for someone coming off alcohol who has disabled themselves through isolation.
Now I read here that all those people who acted like I didn't exist were so fragile in their own recovery that they couldn't/wouldn't take the chance of being friendly to someone because there is a chance that new person might relapse? WOW. That's enlightening. Ego preventing the 12th Step. Apparently it isn't really all that important to help the suffering.
Good to know. I'll be fine without AA. I don't think that is a good tactic to help the newly sober. I feel they need kindness and understanding and friendship.
It is said in meetings that the newcomer is the most important person in the room, but it sure doesn't feel that way as a newcomer. No one reaches out, no one asks for your phone number, no one acts like they actually care. The mindset in AA is the newcomer has to do all the reaching out. That's damn near impossible for someone coming off alcohol who has disabled themselves through isolation.
Now I read here that all those people who acted like I didn't exist were so fragile in their own recovery that they couldn't/wouldn't take the chance of being friendly to someone because there is a chance that new person might relapse? WOW. That's enlightening. Ego preventing the 12th Step. Apparently it isn't really all that important to help the suffering.
Good to know. I'll be fine without AA. I don't think that is a good tactic to help the newly sober. I feel they need kindness and understanding and friendship.
Its ok tho I still enjoy going speaking and listening to others. But I have yet to have anyone explain to me the whole sponser thing or steps etc.. I've had to go fish for that sort of information. I would not even know who to ask for a sponser or if i even need one at 3 years sobriety etc... seems a bit late in the game for me to ask.
But again I'm not really unhappy about it or nothing but my expierience has been similier to yours in those regards. I still go I still get something out of it etc..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Katie, part of my recovery has been coming to terms that it is arrogant for me to think that I know what is right for someone else on their life's journey, and that includes my spouse, my parents, and my children. I work with God every day on living the life that is right for me and I hope that I can live as a good example. I have lots of love and compassion for others and good knowledge and a good understanding that God/Love/Life supports and loves and IS them every bit as it is me.
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