Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VI: "Raging Bull"
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I would agree it's not likely you can meditate your way out of full blown mania, but many have found that a daily meditative practice can reduce the likelihood and frequency of the mania becoming full blown to begin with.
Since you like it real, your mania did not make you drink. As I said before, intertwining mental health issues and addictions allows them to keep each other going. Quitting for good is possible when you remove all excuses. Improving your mental health is then more possible since you are not exacerbating existing conditions with alcohol.
I don't know you so I may be way off base, but I wonder if you don't hang on out some of this pain because you've sort of built an identity around it. If you got better, then who would you be?
I have complete condfidence that you are capable of making changes when you decide to. In light of the things you have accomplished and overcome over the course of your lifetime, it would be silly to think otherwise. You know that "pure laser focus will to win" you mentioned? Use it.
Since you like it real, your mania did not make you drink. As I said before, intertwining mental health issues and addictions allows them to keep each other going. Quitting for good is possible when you remove all excuses. Improving your mental health is then more possible since you are not exacerbating existing conditions with alcohol.
I don't know you so I may be way off base, but I wonder if you don't hang on out some of this pain because you've sort of built an identity around it. If you got better, then who would you be?
I have complete condfidence that you are capable of making changes when you decide to. In light of the things you have accomplished and overcome over the course of your lifetime, it would be silly to think otherwise. You know that "pure laser focus will to win" you mentioned? Use it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
I heart you, Cow. I don't know what to say other than I am rooting for you SO MUCH! I might suggest that at this point you may not be able to manage this on your own.......your brain may need medication.........because it seems when the mania hits you just can't ride through it. So you self-medicate AGAIN! If you are going to medicate, why not do it with something that might actually WORK??
Just a thought.
Please take care of your body today and don't drink!!
What are your thoughts about this? I am so worried for you.
I have to go out for a while but I will check back with you later. Please know we are all thinking of you.
BTW, I really respect your honesty and willingness to share with us. I can learn something from that.
B
Just a thought.
Please take care of your body today and don't drink!!
What are your thoughts about this? I am so worried for you.
I have to go out for a while but I will check back with you later. Please know we are all thinking of you.
BTW, I really respect your honesty and willingness to share with us. I can learn something from that.
B
)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Oh, cow.
Look, at the one week sober mark I thought I was going to lose my mind. I've been told I'm bipolar before (once even by a psychiatrist) - and my go-to personality is manic to a fault. That mindset carried on for a good month. I thought I was going to crawl right out of my skin.
The thing is - I had to get out of my head when I was spinning thoughts like you did last night. Withdrawal is not a walk in the park for any of us. I was so wound up I honestly thought I was going to explode if I didn't drink. I went to AA meetings. I called people from the phone list. When I hit four months I stopped going to meetings and only still talk to two people I met through meetings - but the key is to get out of your own head!! Your thoughts are what are making you drink. YOUR THOUGHTS. That's all they are - thoughts - they are thoughts. Thoughts.
Volunteer. DO something.
You are not that much of a Special Snowflake. I know you think you are, and in the big book of AA it says we all think we are terminally unique. It also says we are sensitive to a fault and that it takes many of us a long time to outgrow this serious disability.
I think in my case that is all the truth. MY life was so tragic. MY childhood was so awful. MY brain was different, I couldn't slow it down, all I had was racing thoughts. That's just who I AM. Too much has happened to me, no one would understand, I have no friends, my whole family has died. PTSD, woe is me.
Bull pucky. I'm really surprised I didn't find a cross somewhere to climb up on. FFS. Shut up, thoughts.
Yess, Virginia, meditation works.
But you already have all the answers and you're terminally unique. Thing is, you can't fool me - I'm you. You're me. That's why alcoholics can help other alcoholics.
I say this with love from one crazy post-50-no-friends, no-family alcoholic chickie to another. You ain't that different.
Anhedonia? Only things that bring me actual pleasure are animals and nature and food and a hot shower. The end.
Look, at the one week sober mark I thought I was going to lose my mind. I've been told I'm bipolar before (once even by a psychiatrist) - and my go-to personality is manic to a fault. That mindset carried on for a good month. I thought I was going to crawl right out of my skin.
The thing is - I had to get out of my head when I was spinning thoughts like you did last night. Withdrawal is not a walk in the park for any of us. I was so wound up I honestly thought I was going to explode if I didn't drink. I went to AA meetings. I called people from the phone list. When I hit four months I stopped going to meetings and only still talk to two people I met through meetings - but the key is to get out of your own head!! Your thoughts are what are making you drink. YOUR THOUGHTS. That's all they are - thoughts - they are thoughts. Thoughts.
Volunteer. DO something.
You are not that much of a Special Snowflake. I know you think you are, and in the big book of AA it says we all think we are terminally unique. It also says we are sensitive to a fault and that it takes many of us a long time to outgrow this serious disability.
I think in my case that is all the truth. MY life was so tragic. MY childhood was so awful. MY brain was different, I couldn't slow it down, all I had was racing thoughts. That's just who I AM. Too much has happened to me, no one would understand, I have no friends, my whole family has died. PTSD, woe is me.
Bull pucky. I'm really surprised I didn't find a cross somewhere to climb up on. FFS. Shut up, thoughts.
Yess, Virginia, meditation works.
But you already have all the answers and you're terminally unique. Thing is, you can't fool me - I'm you. You're me. That's why alcoholics can help other alcoholics.
I say this with love from one crazy post-50-no-friends, no-family alcoholic chickie to another. You ain't that different.
Anhedonia? Only things that bring me actual pleasure are animals and nature and food and a hot shower. The end.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
... ...you know you could has tell me this before bimini. ...I just saying. 
I just kid you. Thank you cuz is helpful to know other people go equal crazy and is "normal" to do so. I know I not a unicorn. My "sad story" so common is textbook. I maybe think about medication, Bouducci, but I had want to see what my baseline is before the Rx's get they hands on me. I has have lot of problems with meds in past as they tend to aggravate seizure disorder.
Anyways, I hear you guys. I know if you reading my posts over past year, it must be so frustrating and seem like I not serious or choosing to fail or whatever. I could feel eyes roll and hear sighs when I post my failure today. MY OWN EYES WAS ROLLING! Believe me, nobody sicker of Cow than Cow. I thought about not telling you guys, cuz it just get too humiliating at times. I know I gotta find other gear but I just ...hasn't. I tell you this, though, next weekend, I will be one whole week sober and counting, no matter how freaking crazy I get. Take that to bank. ...but maybe not cash it until I actual come through. But I coming through. I am.
Okay, time to feel sorry for self.
I just kid you. Thank you cuz is helpful to know other people go equal crazy and is "normal" to do so. I know I not a unicorn. My "sad story" so common is textbook. I maybe think about medication, Bouducci, but I had want to see what my baseline is before the Rx's get they hands on me. I has have lot of problems with meds in past as they tend to aggravate seizure disorder.
Anyways, I hear you guys. I know if you reading my posts over past year, it must be so frustrating and seem like I not serious or choosing to fail or whatever. I could feel eyes roll and hear sighs when I post my failure today. MY OWN EYES WAS ROLLING! Believe me, nobody sicker of Cow than Cow. I thought about not telling you guys, cuz it just get too humiliating at times. I know I gotta find other gear but I just ...hasn't. I tell you this, though, next weekend, I will be one whole week sober and counting, no matter how freaking crazy I get. Take that to bank. ...but maybe not cash it until I actual come through. But I coming through. I am.
Okay, time to feel sorry for self.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
I get cows are different , allegorically and otherwise. We non cows will describe a return to drinking as a descend like going down into a dark basement, for cows it's different they go up a flight of stairs and can't get back down, they get stuck on the second story. It seems , maybe just seems, that in the last year one cow at least used the earthen ramp of others to get back down. At least it seems there has been a lot less of stampeding up the stairs . So maybe the ramp got noticed and helps at times. So don't forget about the ramp. Building ramps helps the ramp builders too, so win win.
Do cows know what situations are ? Cow said she no situational drinker no worry, but eh mania sure seems stitch like to me, but I only have one stomach what do I know?
See what I did there allegory/story
Do cows know what situations are ? Cow said she no situational drinker no worry, but eh mania sure seems stitch like to me, but I only have one stomach what do I know?
See what I did there allegory/story
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
cow, just keep trying. There must be some way to keep from buying another ticket on the crazy train. What might work to abort the process?
Please, just for today, take care of you. can you get a massage? That seems to help you. What kind of massage do you get? I think I need one. I guess all we can do is keep you company and give our best support in the ways we know.
Love from Lenina
Please, just for today, take care of you. can you get a massage? That seems to help you. What kind of massage do you get? I think I need one. I guess all we can do is keep you company and give our best support in the ways we know.
Love from Lenina
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Originally Posted by Cow 
I get more and more manic as day wear on, so instead of go to party, I lie to friends, go to store, get wine, drink wine and pass out for 10 hour.
Mania is not making you drink. People having true manic episodes do all kinds of different things, but they only binge drink if they also have a drinking problem. Please don't blame your drinking on mental disorders other than alcoholism.
Sobriety doesn't just happen by sitting around chilling out and gradually feeling better. If our natural state were to feel good when the bus was idling, we wouldn't be addicts and alcoholics to start with, would we?
In my experience, I couldn't quit drinking on my own. LA has got to be full of 1000 kinds of support groups. And please, don't repeat the bullcrap about all the things you've tried in the past. It is not the program that works, it's you. Nothing will work if you don't allow it to. Probably practically anything will work if you let it, although I don't recommend actual snake oil. Ick.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
When you get manic and antsy and tempted, post here or on the newcomers' page--or even on a "class of" thread. That way you're sure to get support at the moment you need it 24/7. Or get your manic self to an AA meeting. If you can go out and procure wine for yourself, you can manage to go to an AA meeting. Take what you need and leave the rest. I've been told that they help even strictly secular people.
Just don't leave your addict self in charge in the hidden recesses--get out in the open, whether here or at a meeting.
Just don't leave your addict self in charge in the hidden recesses--get out in the open, whether here or at a meeting.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
dw, forgive me, but I not know what in hell you talking about. But then, I hungover and is hard with the allegories in such a state. What I mean about situation drinker is that I not want to drink if I at party or place where others is drinking or if something upset me or if boyfriend dump me kind of thing.
Lenina, I has no idea what to do for crazy brain. I not even had cheat with caffeine AT ALL. I not understand it, but it all go back to the meth OD and consequential seizure disorder, before that, even though was already 10 year alcoholic, I not have this type of acute mental conditions.
Snarkbunny, no, tell Cow what you really think. Yes, I need help, more help than SR forum. I not doing AA again, but I look for some SMART meeting. And maybe I start with psychiatrist again at least during first weeks of sobriety to discuss mania problems.
Lenina, I has no idea what to do for crazy brain. I not even had cheat with caffeine AT ALL. I not understand it, but it all go back to the meth OD and consequential seizure disorder, before that, even though was already 10 year alcoholic, I not have this type of acute mental conditions.
Snarkbunny, no, tell Cow what you really think. Yes, I need help, more help than SR forum. I not doing AA again, but I look for some SMART meeting. And maybe I start with psychiatrist again at least during first weeks of sobriety to discuss mania problems.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
cow, I do think getting an appointment with an addictions counseler would help. Maybe inpatient would be good until you're more stabilized. Get your poor body detoxed properly and your nutritional needs met. SMART meetings would be good. Ite better than doing nothing. I don't want you to die. Is it at all possible to get a sober coach or a sober companion to stay with you if inpatient isn't possible?
Love from Lenina
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
Originally Posted by Cow
dw, forgive me, but I not know what in hell you talking about. But then, I hungover and is hard with the allegories in such a state. What I mean about situation drinker is that I not want to drink if I at party or place where others is drinking or if something upset me or if boyfriend dump me kind of thing.
Lenina, I has no idea what to do for crazy brain. I not even had cheat with caffeine AT ALL. I not understand it, but it all go back to the meth OD and consequential seizure disorder, before that, even though was already 10 year alcoholic, I not have this type of acute mental conditions.
Snarkbunny, no, tell Cow what you really think. Yes, I need help, more help than SR forum. I not doing AA again, but I look for some SMART meeting. And maybe I start with psychiatrist again at least during first weeks of sobriety to discuss mania problems.
Lenina, I has no idea what to do for crazy brain. I not even had cheat with caffeine AT ALL. I not understand it, but it all go back to the meth OD and consequential seizure disorder, before that, even though was already 10 year alcoholic, I not have this type of acute mental conditions.
Snarkbunny, no, tell Cow what you really think. Yes, I need help, more help than SR forum. I not doing AA again, but I look for some SMART meeting. And maybe I start with psychiatrist again at least during first weeks of sobriety to discuss mania problems.
I believe at this point a medical professional needs to weigh in on what is going on.....if you don't want to do IP, you could find a very good outpatient program which might provide the structure and/or support that would help.
I'm all for tough love, but you need to take care of the brain that you FRIED, for pete's sake do it!
Many hugs,
B
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Cow
Sorry if I was being obtuse, and being hungover does suck, I'm like an elephant at least as far that is concerned and I won't add that one way to avoid ...oops, anyways
My point was that there are some things that constitute situations that are allowing your AV to win. Perhaps outside help with situational perspectives will help, wish you well and stay off the tramp for while today, hangovers are not conducive to balance keeping and jumping.
Sorry if I was being obtuse, and being hungover does suck, I'm like an elephant at least as far that is concerned and I won't add that one way to avoid ...oops, anyways
My point was that there are some things that constitute situations that are allowing your AV to win. Perhaps outside help with situational perspectives will help, wish you well and stay off the tramp for while today, hangovers are not conducive to balance keeping and jumping.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Okay, I will seek outside help. I will consider structure program, but will start with SMART meeting and psychologist.
I actual has done whole neurologist, psychiatrist, full on Mayo Clinic whole body/mind workup thing. This go on for years. They cycle me through at least 30 different brain/psych meds. Was worst time of my life and I think I would has kill myself if I not finally say no more to all those drug. Ironically, was when I took over my own care with diet and supplement that my brain actual start to recover. Yeah, it not help that I still alcoholic and I think brain maybe recover more if I can stop, but it never gonna be normal, all doctors have tell me that. Also, my nutrition is exemplary. I eat liver and kidney and heart and drink disgusting cold press vegetable juicings with pulp for Christ's sake!
Sorry to has interrupt our regular schedule programming of super cool sharing moments. I was appreciating that and hope for it to continue. I think latest Cow crisis has been adequately contain. I have plan. I not freaking out. Is thanks to all you kind people for you patience and efforts. It will no be wasted.
I actual has done whole neurologist, psychiatrist, full on Mayo Clinic whole body/mind workup thing. This go on for years. They cycle me through at least 30 different brain/psych meds. Was worst time of my life and I think I would has kill myself if I not finally say no more to all those drug. Ironically, was when I took over my own care with diet and supplement that my brain actual start to recover. Yeah, it not help that I still alcoholic and I think brain maybe recover more if I can stop, but it never gonna be normal, all doctors have tell me that. Also, my nutrition is exemplary. I eat liver and kidney and heart and drink disgusting cold press vegetable juicings with pulp for Christ's sake!
Sorry to has interrupt our regular schedule programming of super cool sharing moments. I was appreciating that and hope for it to continue. I think latest Cow crisis has been adequately contain. I have plan. I not freaking out. Is thanks to all you kind people for you patience and efforts. It will no be wasted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 468
I am a lone
starfaring stranger
traveling through
these days of woe
There are no ne-
bulas of danger
worse than our crooked
ole do-si-do
I'm goin' home
to meet my Maker
the quantum foam
don't comfort me
I am a lone
starfaring stranger
happy to meet and greet
with thee
starfaring stranger
traveling through
these days of woe
There are no ne-
bulas of danger
worse than our crooked
ole do-si-do
I'm goin' home
to meet my Maker
the quantum foam
don't comfort me
I am a lone
starfaring stranger
happy to meet and greet
with thee
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 468
Dear Cow and Dear All, I have been really tempted to share after Cow asked us to. (Previously on "Diary of a Mad Cow" I respected that this was Cow's thread and did not want to divert attention with my minor and commonplace miseries.)
If we were all together in a conversation pit or a hay loft, I would, but I'm a private person from the mid-west who ended up being not very trusting of other people, unfortunately (though I was when I was young), and I have to weigh whether to be more open in case it might help someone else versus exposing my private thoughts and other stuff on the internet, especially since I think my SR cover has been blown in the workplace.
Probably the best course is to consider that my being more open might be more beneficial overall despite whatever minor damage I might receive from troublemakers with a gossip problem. It might even help the troublemakers as well for all I know. Noblesse oblige, dontcha know.
The balance hasn't tipped yet, though. Something I am still working through.
If we were all together in a conversation pit or a hay loft, I would, but I'm a private person from the mid-west who ended up being not very trusting of other people, unfortunately (though I was when I was young), and I have to weigh whether to be more open in case it might help someone else versus exposing my private thoughts and other stuff on the internet, especially since I think my SR cover has been blown in the workplace.
Probably the best course is to consider that my being more open might be more beneficial overall despite whatever minor damage I might receive from troublemakers with a gossip problem. It might even help the troublemakers as well for all I know. Noblesse oblige, dontcha know.
The balance hasn't tipped yet, though. Something I am still working through.
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