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Old 08-07-2011, 06:04 AM   #1 (permalink)
Matt M
 
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Blaming others.

Do you think there is any validity in blaming others for what has happened to you through alcohol abuse?

Because the other day I told my ex-girlfriend in no uncertain terms that I held her 50% responsible for nearly dying last year and having a messed up shoulder for the rest of my life, which was all down to alcohol withdrawal seizures.

In all honesty, 50% is probably way too high and i'm not kidding myself - I realise it was all basically my fault because nobody forced me to drink heavily!

But the reason I issued blame is because I was 100% serious about quitting drinking completely a year or so ago. I was getting older, it was costing me too much money, I wasn't enjoying it anymore and it was seriously affecting me mentally and physically.
I was fully aware I had a big problem and was set to stop.
But then I read up alot on quitting 'cold turkey'. I read several things about the dangers of alcohol withdrawal and how it can be lethal, so I said to my ex at the time that I think I need to quit the 'proper' way.

Anyway, her reaction was to call me a p*ssy, say it was all a load of rubbish and that she knew I wouldn't do it.
Suffice to say that knocked me right back so i just thought "sod it" and later in the year I quit cold turkey and ended up nearly dying as the result of three seizures due to the withdrawal.
And even worse, a broken shoulder which i'm likely now going to have to have replaced completely.

So basically I just think if that I had some support back when I wanted to quit, none of it would have happened.
Maybe it would have happened anyway, I don't know. But altho I realise it's all pretty much my fault, I can't help but feel very angered about what went on.
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Old 08-07-2011, 06:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Perhaps you relied on her too much for support?
After all what did she know or understand about active addiction..de toxing or sobreity?

You did know the danger and yet you continued to take risks.

Now that you are accepting responsibilty..I think that is the best way to keep moving forward....
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Old 08-07-2011, 07:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I think that’s my biggest issue, my wife has changed in the last six months and it’s left me feeling resentful.

At first after I quit drinking…
I couldn’t make her upset, as long as I wasn’t drinking all was bliss to her
I took my iPad to bed every night and read, no problems at all
When I was upset she was the first to realize I needed support
The list goes on

But now after almost 6 months…
She gets upset with me easily
She hates the light at night from the iPad
She hardly notices if I need support

As Carol said, others don’t always understand us or what we go through, we need to accept responsibility for ourselves, and I need to take that same advice, thanks
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Old 08-07-2011, 07:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolD View Post
Perhaps you relied on her too much for support?
After all what did she know or understand about active addiction..de toxing or sobreity?

Well essentially she knew as much as I knew, because I provided her with a couple of website links explaining the dangers.

And as I said, putting 50% of the blame on her is too high, but I still feel like things could have been alot different if she had given me the support at that time.
Maybe 20% of the blame then

I remember on the morning I had the first seizure I had actually printed out details from a website and given them to my Dad saying "i seriously don't feel right". About an hour later I seizured so even tho I had been having muscle spasms, racing heart, hallucinations etc for many months before then, I must have known on that particular day what was going to happen. Very weird.
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Old 08-07-2011, 07:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I guess you showed her last year. Keep listening, if you go to meetings.
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Old 08-07-2011, 07:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I guess you showed her last year. Keep listening, if you go to meetings.

Imagine if I'd have died, I could have had "I bloody well told you!!" on my gravestone!

I'm doing well at the moment anyway and most people know about what I went through now. I don't even feel any shame about talking about having major alcohol problems now.
It happened, nothing I can do about it, I got lucky and time to move on.

Altho i'm going to Vegas for UFC in October, if that isn't a test of 'not getting drunk willpower' I don't know what is.
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Do you think there is any validity in blaming others for what has happened to you through alcohol abuse?

No. It doesn't get me anywhere. I could blame anyone I want, but really; what does that change?
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:13 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by bellakeller View Post
Do you think there is any validity in blaming others for what has happened to you through alcohol abuse?

No. It doesn't get me anywhere.

Well there isn't any point in blaming anyone for anything. There isn't any point in blaming a murderer for killing a loved one because it won't change what happened.
But all I mean is that if I had that support (which i surely should have had?) then things *might* have worked out differently.
I remember how determined I was back then, and her reaction knocked me for six.
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:22 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I don't see the point in blaming others or in pointing fingers. Not because others have never caused us harm but because it take our focus and energy away from where it needs to be--on ourselves and our recovery. Besides blame is about something in the past, its over, all the blame in the world won't change a thing. You've got today and what you do with it shapes and changes tomorrows today. All you control is yourself and I'd say its a waste of time to place blame there too. Recovery is about moving forward, letting go of past resentments and living as fully and healthfully as you can today.
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:37 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Matt--I just read this from a book written by Pia Mellody:

"Blaming handcuffs you to the person who abused you and leaves you dependent upon that peron's changing for you to have any recovery. This gives power to the offender and renders you, the victim, helpless--without the ability to protect yourself or change. Blaming will probably keep you stuck in the disease and is likely to make it even worse."

I understand from what you say you have accepted your responsilbility--but if you are still ruminating over it, maybe you haven't accepted it completely....which is necessary to move forward. Yes, what she did sux--acknowlege it and and know that you can change you regardless of the actions of others. Become 100% accountable to YOU!

All this aside, glad you are with us!
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:44 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Just a thought, maybe your GF was unsympathetic to your needs when you were in active alcoholism and that same attitude of hers carried over into your recovery attempt.

I know for myself that I was difficult to be with when I was a hard drinker. I'm sure the people around me at the time had resentments against me because of my ill treatment towards others. I can understand that kind of resentment being present in my recovery attempts.
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:52 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MattM316 View Post
Well there isn't any point in blaming anyone for anything. There isn't any point in blaming a murderer for killing a loved one because it won't change what happened.
But all I mean is that if I had that support (which i surely should have had?) then things *might* have worked out differently.
I remember how determined I was back then, and her reaction knocked me for six.
OK, then. knock yourself out.
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:04 AM   #13 (permalink)
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How far back in my ancestry should I go, blaming them for reproducing when they all knew substance abuse was so prevalent in our bloodline? Oh, and if my son ends up a substance abuser, should he blame me and his mother for reproducing, or should he blame his grandparents, or great-grandparents, or great-great-grandparents... Or, should he blame me because I would not buy him a snow board and support him in something he wanted to do when he was 12 years old. Or that he was devastated when his mother and I divorced.

No one held me down and poured alcohol down my throat until I was addicted, and I'll bet no one did that to you either.

Matt, you and I and everyone else here owns it, lock, stock and barrel. Yes, support would be nice, but it's nobodies obligation to do that, it's our obligation to do everything in our power to get and stay sober.
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:41 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Initially, I pointed a lot of the blame for why I was an alcoholic to other people. (genetics, my parents never telling me I had a disposition for alcoholism, there always having alcohol in the house when I was young, etc).

I learned that when you complain all the time about how hard done by you are that half the people out there believe you deserve what you're complaining about. The other half just don't care.
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:48 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Bottom line, none of this would have happened if you weren't drinking. You can't blame your then girlfriend for what happened later in the year. If you want to stick to your "theory" of if she would have been supportive you wouldn't have had a seizure, you could also say that you are responsible for choosing someone in your life who wasn't supportive/knowledgeable. I wouldn't get into the blame game. It is counter productive. We are responsible for our choices.
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:36 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Blaming was my major excuse to be in active addiction. Glad you are ok. Sometimes we need a wake up call. Peace
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:06 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Blame.....?

What's the point? Blame has no positive end.
Now let's say recovery is about taking responsibility.....not fault.
Recovery is about change....making sure we don't repeat past wrongs.

Blame....fault.....and so on.
Are negative emotions turned inward.
Responsibility.....acceptance....forgiveness....ar e the building blocks to recovery.
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:23 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I could blame my parents
I could blame my genetics
I could blame my friends
I could blame 2 marriages that were failures
I could blame my 2 ex husbands
I could blame my ex fiance
I could blame my ex lovers
I could blame my some of my exes for affairs
I could blame my friends
I could blame my jobs
I could blame my kids
I could blame my finances
I could blame my birthdays
I could blame parties
I could blame holidays
I could blame life
I could find anything but me to blame

But ultimately the blame lies within me. I can say that because when I stopped drinking I had just moved over 2500 miles to live with someone that told me the only reason I was brought out here was because she wanted to make her ex jealous so she would take her back. I had no friends here and very few by the time I left the state I had been living in.
My job was shaky from my drinking. I had just given up a 12 year career that I was good at to move. I had to find another place to live. During that time I was supporting my kids, my ex, my exes ex and her daughter. I had to move into an apartment for the first time in over 20 years. My finances were a mess. Needless to say I had no support system in place.

But I had to take responsibility for my life and the choices I made of my own free will. I was the only one who could fix those problems. I had to make that decision with basically no support. To blame anyone or anything for my actions would have been not only pointless but would serve absolutely no purpose. Blame was not going to make me or keep me sober. Yes, things would have been a bit easier I suppose if I had a support system but not having one was not the reason I chose to continue to drink.

I could have started drinking again at 6 months of sobriety, when I had a motorcycle accident that only nearly killed me but nearly took both my right arm and right leg. A tree branch was lodge in my arm and my right leg had several fractures to the thigh bone. Instead I was thankful to have an arm and that through medical science was able to have a rod and pins put in to hold that broken bone together till it healed. My recovery took over a year. I spent a month in the hospital, 4 months in a wheelchair, several months on crutches, several more with a walker, and several more with a cane. I went from a well paying job to welfare. But ultimately I had to make the choice to do those things that were going to keep me sober. I had to stay in and work the program of recovery I had chosen to use.

I drank because I am an alcoholic. Until I came to terms with that I was going to continue to drink and blame everyone and everything for my drinking. This past year I celebrated 10 years of sobriety. I am thankful for every day of it.

Sorry this was so long
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:32 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Matt...

I am kind of lost for words, not because I don't know what to say, I just don't know how to say it...

Hmm... you are not well. Get well. Take responsibility for your own life. Your girlfriend was not your physician, nurse, mother or caretaker. She was your girlfriend. She's a fellow human being on this road of life just like all of us. Share the journey with others, don't asked to be carried, you will be dropped, because others cannot do that job, nor should they.

That resentment you are carrying comes from unreliastic and unreasonable expectations of others. It will keep you drunk.

Man up. Live your own life. Share it with another if you can. And, if you want, or need, to recover, there is support out there... AA is one place, but there are others.
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:46 AM   #20 (permalink)
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In my experience letting go of resentments will help you stay sober
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