pinkfirefly

Hey. I am 21 years old, and I have a beautiful 13 month old daughter, and I am 31 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child. After I had my first child, I got post partum depression very severely, and my husband was over seas, so I started drinking to help take away some of my pain, and to help cope. I had my family helping to take care of my daughter quite a bit at this stage. and I was heavily drinking every night. I'm very small framed, and only weighed 110 pounds. I was drinking all the time. going through bottles and bottles of wine, and half a bottle or so of vodka a night, and lots of other random types of alcohol. I did this heavily for six months. until I got pregnant with my 2nd child. and quitting was so hard. I had to try to cut back a lot. I don't want to hurt the baby or anything. Now I am doing ok I think. got it down to one or two drinks per week. and I've been successful at doing this for most of the pregnancy. had a couple slip ups of a couple nights of heavy binge drinking. I feel so ashamed of myself. but baby is doing good. the ultra sounds all look good, so I think baby is going to be good and healthy. but every day is a constant struggle not to drink for me. I crave it so bad, and think about it all the time. I have a hard time living my life with out the alcohol. Its my comfort, my best friend. and know one seems to understand what I am going through. I am a good mother, and I'm not a bad person. I just can't help how I feel, and this alcohol problem is driving me insane. I'm so afraid that after this baby is born, I will immediately relapse and go back to my heavy drinking ways. but I honestly do not want this. I need to be a good mother and a good wife. but I'm scared I won't be able to control myself. any one been in a situation like this, or have any idea how I can get help with this. I've tried some counseling and it never seems to help. I've never tried AA yet tho. thanks everyone. and please do not post if your going to judge me or be harsh. I'm doing the best I can. thank you.

GettingStronger2

I'm the last person who will judge you or be harsh. I drank during all 3 of my pregnancies. Mostly I had scaled back and didn't drink too much, but I did. Thank God all three of my kids are seemingly unaffected by it (who really knows?). It is hard.

BUT the good news. . .you realize you have issues with alcohol. You could use this time to get yourself help. Your kids need you, not just to be sober during pregnancy, but through their lives.

Che

Don't just cut back, cut it out completely. As an alcoholic, you are merely teasing yourself by having it once a week. You need it totally out of your system and out of your life.

Please don't take risks with your child... Even if it feels like you're going thru hell, you really cannot drink while pregnant. Drinking during pregnancy is the cause of so many mental disorders which will plague not just you as a mother, but your child as well.

Quit now... You are 21 and have such a long life before you. Find something positive to replace alcohol and you will wonder why you ever thought it helped.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community.....

I do find Aa immensley helpful in overcoming my active alcoholism.
I certainly hope you will check out local meetings
and of course....stay connected here too...

Blessings to you and your family
Wishing the 4 of you all the best recovery offers.

smacked

For what it's worth, the horrifying effects of fetal alcohol syndrome simply cannot be picked up by an ultrasound. It is usually only after birth, do doctors realize that children have a problem, and of course by then it is too late. Unfortunately, most of the damage occurs during the first and most important weeks and months of gestation.

Just stop.. get help. Talk to your OB.. anything to try to save that precious innocent baby a lifetime of struggle.

bubblehead

I agree with others. Don't drink at all. WHATEVER you have to do, do it. Even if you need to put yourself in the hopsital to stop you from drinking do it. Fetal alcohol syndrome causes facial deformities, mental disorders, etc. They cannot tell that from an ultrasound. There is also a less severe form, called Fetal alcohol effect. You would not know your child has it until they are older.
I highly recommend you read The Broken Cord by Michael Dorris. It is a biography of his adopted son Adam, who had fetal alcohol syndrome. When you feel like drinking, read it.
I understand your problem and I hate so much to sound judgmental, because guilt and shame are not going to help you recover. But please, please don't drink at all until that baby is born. Do WHATEVER you have to to stop.

ElegantlyWasted

Alot of greate advice above. People will judge; ignore them. This is about you finding a way. We're here to help. This is a safe and supportive place to figure it out.

wow1323

Your post made me burst out tears. Please DO NOT drink. Think of your baby. Now. Do not think of after having your baby. Just focus on today. Just focus on getting through each day sober. Go to your family and tell them everything you just told us; or maybe a friend you trust and love. Get to a counselor as quick as possible. I am going to pray for you and your baby. YOU have the power to save your baby from harm. I know you are a good mom a good person. Be the hero in your own life, in your childrens life. You are strong, you can do this. Is there anyway you can check yourself in to rehab? You need all the support you can get . You don't ask no one can help. I am not judging you. Just think of me as your unborn baby talking through me.
"mommy Don't"

This comes from nothing but, love...

Zebra1275

By all means don't drink. Fetal alcohol syndrome causes permanent damage to the child. And just because it's not diagnosed early in life doesn't mean much.

Fetal alcohol effects (think of that as somwhat less damage on a continum of FAS) can still cause profound problems for a child. While your child may not manifest the classic physical signs of FAS, FAE effects may not show up until the child enters school. Then it might be obvious compared to her peer group that she shows delays in learning, attention, and behavioral control. And if those difficulties show up it's not unusual to find social difficulties and low self esteem developing to compound the problem.

It's not what I would want for my child.

pinkfirefly

Thank every one. I truly am doing the best I can. Its just so hard. Every day all I ever do is think about alcohol, and how much I miss it and want it, and miss getting drunk, and feeling relaxed and happier. I've been doing pretty good during this pregnancy I think, all things considered. I'm actually a little proud of myself. I'm not drinking heavily every night or anything and getting trashed. and I don't even drink heavily at all anymore. Right now, I havn't had a drink at all in almost 2 weeks. and I'm proud of that. and lately, if I do have a drink I only have like one glass of wine, or one bottle of smirnoff or hard lemonade. I don't let myself drink vodka at all. although, that was always my favorite drink before I got pregnant. and I don't drink more than one drink, sometimes two a week. I know that's not good, but at least I'm not drinking more than that, or drinking heavily or getting drunk. I'm trying so hard. lately I feel so guilty if I do have a drink. Every sip I take, I feel baby moving, and it reminds me and guilts me, and makes me feel like I'm hurting baby. and I don't want to hurt the baby. I love my baby. and I would never forgive myself if something happened. but I'm almost going on two week now since I had a glass of wine, and I'm trying really hard not to touch it again at all. Its so hard, cuz its all I think about, or crave, and I always think how nice it feels to drink. I'm fighting the urge but its hard. thanks for the support everyone.

CarolD

Enough has been shared on what may or may not happen
with a childs developement.

Plese let's get bak to sharing ourr experiences with quitting drinking.


pinkfirefly....
2 weeks is a good beginning....and we all know
early sobriety is very difficult.

AA is how I quit and continue to stay sober.
Please check it out.

bubblehead

pink, don't let guilt eat you up, that will nto help your recovery. But do, just stop drinking. I agree with Carol. Go to AA. I was only in AA for a short time. I went to a lot of meetings in that short time and I never heard anyone judged. What will likely happen, is as a newcomer, lots of women will come and hug you. They will give you their phone numbers to call if you get tempted to drink. You will find people want to help you.
I couldn't handle AA on my first go round because it sounds like preaching, etc. There is a reason it works for many people though and I think a lot of it is just being around people with the same problem that understand. It does help. And it is free.
I don't think guilt is going to help you right now, it is not going to help you ever. I will put things this way. If I were pregnant, right now, and I thought about drinking alcohol, I would run to the nearest hospital emergency room and talk to someone.

LaFemme

Congratulations on your pregnancy and on realizing that you need help to get sober. You ae pretty young to be expecting your second baby imo and that has to be a huge stress factor. A good friend of mine suffewred severe post parting and joined a support group at her church, she found it very helpful.

Back in the day everyone used to drink while pregnant...we know more now and its not recommended but your baby is probably fine. Concentrate on you and getting healthy for you...not just to be a good wife and mother but to be the best you possible.

Try to find a program that will help you stop white knuckling it...AA is thejmost abundantly available but there are many programs out there...including posting on this forum.

Congrats on 2 weeks!

oak

Welcome Pinkfirefly!!!

I know it's hard. I've had almost constant cravings too. It's been getting a little easier for me the last few days. I'm sure it will get easier for both of us.

Congrats on 2 weeks sober!!!

I use AA, SMART recovery, and Women for Sobriety meetings. I like using several different recovery programs. And I like posting here. If you think meetings would help, try several and see what fits for you.

Be gentle with yourself!!!!!!!

smacked

Well you're an alcohiolic. Of course you're obsessing about it..the important thing now is action. What are you going to do to stay sober for good? What is your plan?

Jfanagle

You asked that you not be judged. I don't know you so I will not judge you. I can judge myself and since I obsess about alcohol, since I am an alcoholic, I can't moderate my drinking I had to stop completely. I did so several years go with AA and the help of people in that fellowship. I had to do more than just slow down, that is because I am an alcoholic.

A close friend of mine also had a drinking problem, but he chose to slow down and he "got it down to one or two drinks per week. He had been successful at doing this except he had a couple slip ups of a couple nights of heavy binge drinking." He was proud of his "slowing down" and just wanted those around him to understand how "Its so hard, cuz its all I think about, or crave, and I always think how nice it feels to drink. I'm fighting the urge but it’s hard." A few of us who had faced our alcoholism and got help and attend AA suggested that he might want to do more than talk and try and minimize his drinking, but he wanted us to recognize his struggle, his good intentions and that he wasn't nearly as bad as he had been.

Two years ago he had one of those "slip ups and got drunk, took a drive and now drinking is no longer a problem; he was killed in a car crash. The saddest part of his story is that neither he or anyone else ever had the chance to tell the woman and her child in the other car how well he had been doing on cutting back and how hard it was for him to control alcohol, and how that night it was one of those rare "slip ups" that he very rarely had. They were killed too.

I sure wish he had faced his problem and got help, since like me he couldn't do it by himself. When I drank I wanted to believe that I could control my drinking, I can't, I don't know about other people, but there several of us who use each other to deal with our problem.

I hope for your sake and those in your life you find your answer.

Rowan

Although I never drank during my pregnancies, I suffered from severe post-partum depression after both births and also from untreated alcoholism when I stopped drinking abruptly. I soon went back to binge drinking, although I was careful to do it (most of the time) when someone else was home to help care for the children, or when they were in bed.

You mentioned that you had family who were able to help you out. It sounds as though they know what's going on in your life. If they do not, I would suggest that you reach out and tell them what's going on. I would go to AA, and I would go back to counselling. I had to do both, and continue to do both, in order to get to the root of my drinking and self-destructive behaviour.

You aren't a bad person, you are a sick person, this is true. But you are an adult now, and your little ones need you. Help is there, if you reach out and ask for it. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to.

LexieCat

Hi, Pink,

I'm glad you are concerned about your drinking. As the others here have pointed out, though, your preganancy aside, alcoholism is progressive and doesn't respond to attempts to moderate. I know this, because I spent four and a half years desperately trying to moderate my drinking. Though I could control it somewhat, it never worked consistently, and over the long term it got worse and worse.

You may feel like you can't give it up. But what finally convinced me was that I realized alcohol was totally controlling my existence. It dictated what I could do on the evenings and weekends (since those were drinking times and I didn't dare drive). It dictated what I had to schedule around. It dictated where I spent my money. It dictated when I went to sleep (aka passed out) and when I would awaken (often at 3 a.m., in a sweat).

Quitting drinking has, more than anything else to me, meant freedom. I am no longer controlled by alcohol.

Please go to an AA meeting. You will be congratulated for taking steps to free yourself from this addiction. Life without alcohol is SO much better.

tacks

Hi pinkfirefly,

all too well

I'm not on the moral high ground here -- far from it. I am not able to be pointing fingers right now (unless i was an absolute Bullsh**er hiding behind my keyboard).

I'm not a parent. And I'll never be held accountable for anything near what you're doing now. Yet I drank and drank much more than yourself.

I like to think that i would be the last person on here who would judge you.

God bless and good luck,

thanks,

tacks

kokoblues

First off, I will not judge because I am in a similar situation. I am currently 30 weeks along. Here's my story... When I was 20 me and my boyfriend decided to have a baby. We were both drinking very heavily at that time (and I found out later on that he was using cocaine). However, when I found out we were expecting I had half a can of beer that day and then two glasses of wine when I was around 7 months and a bottle of beer two days before my due date. That was all the drinking I did during that pregnancy and it didn't seem hard to stay away from alcohol and I think the reason is because I was 20 and couldn't legally buy it, and my boyfriend never kept any in the house. My second pregnancy was a little harder. In November of 2007 my boyfriend got out of jail (just driving with no insurance, he isn't a "criminal") and we both stayed sober, me from drinking and him from using coke. But we had nowhere to stay so we were homeless sleeping in churches. Then when we couldn't stand to stay in churches anymore we rented hotel rooms (for $240/week!) Since we were scrimping and saving at that time so we could get a freaking apartment we were still sober. Then, two days before Christmas 2007 we found a place to stay, and he started using coke again, my reaction to him using was to drink. I got pregnant January of 2008. I drank the first two months of my pregnancy about 5 drinks of wine per night. I was in denial cause I didn't take a pregnancy test. Stupid, I know. Finally I took a test so I could prove to myself that there is a baby in there and I NEED to stop. And I did. Then we got evicted from our place and me and my son moved in with my mom and my boyfriend was staying at different places cause my mom didn't allow him in her house. I stayed away from alcohol "for the most part" but I did have some slip ups with my second pregnancy where I actually got drunk. And I would feel soooo guilty and absolutely hate myself and wonder what the f*** is wrong with me. So during that pregnancy I drank about 35 drinks of wine every week for the first two months, and after that I got drunk about 4 times between the 5th and 7th month of my pregnancy (probably having 10+ drinks every time I got drunk) and my little girl is very smart. I do not condone drinking during pregnancy but I also don't want you to worry about your little one. I was stupid to do what I did. And even though I regret it, my baby turned out to be perfect. But now I am pregnant again........ and we're staying with my mom to save money to move out of state (mostly so my boyfriend can get a job, and get away from cocaine) and this pregnancy is by far the most stressful and I have gotten drunk on quite a few occassions. I feel like an absolute a**hole I and would agree with anyone who told my I am a terrible human being. My self hatred at this point in off the freakin charts. I don't want you to feel bad about what you have done because (like in my case) it makes me want to drink more cause I feel like such a piece of sh*t. My boyfriend and mother have seen me drunk twice within the past two weeks. And they are so worried that they don't bother yelling, they just try to help. I think the best thing is to come clean and talk to your family. Even if they are mad at first, deal with it, and tell them EVERYTHING. I was so embarrassed and scared talking about it, but then when I really opened up to my boyfriend (together 7 years) and told him how I drink cause I am stressed and because I honestly hate being in my skin, I hate sitting there sober, being me. I absolutely hate myself. And I came clean about all of it, when I would by my wine, when I drank it, why I drank it. Now it is not a secret and I know my boyfriend and mom have a hawk eye on me and they won't allow it to happen anymore. I am grateful. Being able to talk to my boyfriend made a world of difference, cause now if I have the urge I call him and talk about it so he stops me, instead of me being so ashamed and guilty and feeling there is no way out and that I can't control myself, so I'll just drink anyway (I know the way I rationalize is f***ing ridiculous). There is a way out, and that is just to be honest. Even if your family is mad at you, it's better than to keep giving your baby alcohol. Part of being a mom is to sacrifice (and I did not do that enough with this baby and even if the baby turns out healthy and smart I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF). You have a child already (as do I) and you know the love you have for your new baby. For some reason, that love couldn't stop me either. I don't know, I am trying to help you, as embarrassed as I am to be telling you about my drinking. And as embarrassed as I was telling the father of the child inside of me how I am poisoning our baby, it needs to be said. I think you should do it too, once it isn't a "dirty little secret" your family can help you. It isn't something you could do on your own. And as far as drinking after the baby is born.....that is what I did after both of my previous pregnancies. I went absolutely crazy with alcohol, even having it for breakfast. Please get help now, if you don't it will only get worse. It did for me. So I am not preaching by far....I just don't want you to get as messed up as I did. Seriously, get help now though cause after you give birth, and you can drink without worrying about your baby, it has the possibility to get completely out of control (especially if you have a previous habit of getting drunk nightly). I couldn't even breastfeed my children because drinking was more important to me. Sad, sad, sad. Please do not do what I did.