13 Characteristics of Adult Children

[JT]

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.


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Well JT,

All I can say to those are ........WHOA!

Some of those hit me like a big bright spot light in the face.

I grew up with both parents being everyday drinkers.

Good idea adding this forum, I've never been to an ACOA meeting or even talked to anybody who goes.

Now this has me thinking or maybe re-thinking.....

[JT]

Doug,

Me too. I have been having rumblings lately. Ya know what I mean? I have learned to trust my intuition/HP/self enough to follow those rumblings.

Knowing these things doesn't change anything but maybe it provides a reason. Perhaps it validates some of the things I am not liking about myself. New awarenesses can be dealt with just like they were in the beginning of recovery, with the 12 steps. Personally I like the 3 A's. Awareness, acceptance, action. They stop me from jumping in with both feet. I have to slow down down and allow the process to happen.

I have been content and peaceful but stagnant this past year. Resting and taking care of myself during a tough 12 months.

Another layer is being revealed...as always when I am ready.

Hugs,
JT

[The Jay Walker]

JT

I thought a bout going to ACOA a few years ago, but thought maybe I was overreacting,
but I have most of those carracturistics you listed, and a wierd thig is that a remember very little about my childhood, I have listened to Bobby Earl tapes and , It really has me wondering why I just dont remember much.

[JT]

Jay,

I don't remember alot either. But I don't have bad feelings. My mother was great at hiding my father's "problem" which was alcoholic/womanizer. They did not fight. He worked nights as a bartender so not having him home was normal. I had what I considered to be a normal, albeit poor, childhood.

When they divorced I was 16 (nice age for a budding drama queen) and I was shocked and angry. My mother had done her job well. I had no clue...or chose not to see it by then. She sat me down and told me a bunch of stuff. It was a true Hallmark moment.

That is when I began my own drug and alcohol use. Rebellion? Probably. I met and married my 1st husband not long after that...predictably an alcoholic.

That list stunned me too when I found it. And MG's post. I am not easily stunned anymore.

Who is Bobby Earl?

Hugs,
JT

Knowing these things doesn't change anything but maybe it provides a reason. Perhaps it validates some of the things I am not liking about myself.

I can agree with this, and I'm gonna try to expand it a little how it may apply to me..??.....

I remember just about everything from childhood. It was more bad than good. After I grew up and got into the program, I always thought that what I learned, got, received, inherited, etc from my childhood was alcohol/drug abuse.

I never considered my childhood at the time as good/bad/different. I never laid any blame on my parents for "how I turned out".

Some of those things you listed, have come up at my "A" meetings, and in the back of my mind, because I've not heard those at my meetings before, I have had the thought, on occasion that maybe I'm such a severe alcoholic, I won't ever fit into recovery. (Am I clear as mud so far?)

While I can relate to almost that whole list, I've always treated those as "character defects." Some of those things I no longer do, because I've worked very hard to stop.

But there are still other things on that list that I am struggling with, frequently.

I have a sense of relief, knowing now that those few feelings are not due to my own sustance abuse, but rather just the result of growing up in and "Alcoholic Family." Do I blame anyone now? NO Does it really change anything? NO

But now that I may be able to get rid of that "Example of the alkie that won't make it" feeling, maybe I can get past them and move on (?)

Comments, thoughts, questions??

[journeygal]

Do I blame anyone now? NO Does it really change anything? NO

For a long time, my answer to both of those questions was yes. I was always very aware that my life was altered drastically by growing up with an alcoholic dad but since he was a functioning A, I almost felt like I was using it as an excuse for my issues, and that it really wasn't his fault. What I have recently realized was that I was tremendously way more affected by my mom and her handling of the situation than his actual drinking. I was extremely angry for a long time and I blamed her for not being there for me. It's been a struggle, but I have come to accept that she did the best she could, and that I don't have to continue the same patterns. This family disease truly affects everyone, and no one is to blame. It was and is what it is. My job now is to accept it, move on, and make changes where I can. Ahhhh, easier said than done!

[Gypsygirlmom]

I am so glad we added this board! I can relate to all 13 of the characteristics My father was a severe alcoholic who killed himself when I was 13. My mother tried to join him for awhile. Then believed she was going insane, when he tried to convince her that was the case. Classic codependent, never emotionally there for us kids.

I actually felt good finding out about ACOA! I couldn't understand why I just couldn't "get it". It felt like, I finally belonged somewhere.

Wow Journey ~ I could have wrote your post! I carried the anger around for so long...it was a relief to just let it go. It's not quite as easy to change what I can, especially when I feel like I have to validate "what is normal"?

I remember reading or seeing something along time ago that really stuck in my mind : It was something about someone talking to someone else saying what a drunk, jerk *^^%, his father was. He was afraid that he would turn out to be just like him. The wise man he was talking to just said "If you don't want to turn out like that, then don't" How simple. We do have the choice to be who we want to be. We just have to do it.

My answers are no, I don't blame anyone anymore, and it really doesn't change anything in my one day at a time.

[JT]

JG,

What you said about being more affected by your mother than your alcoholic father reminds me that as a codependent I can have a more profound affect than the alcoholic. My behavior is not harmless even tho I am supposedly not the one with the problem.

Also Gypsy...you put into words a feeling I have about my own mother. She was not available emotionally due to her own codependence. Her own life was so enmeshed with that of my father's that there was no room. I don't believe that I have done that...my son knows very clearly the love I have for him. Even as I detach and let him face his own consequences. I had a very dear and old friend once tell me that she never thought my mother cared what I did. I didn't, and still don't know quite how to process that statement so I have stored it away for future pondering. This is just the forum to do that.

Hugs,
JT

[NoDoubt]

This is a great forum!
I can really relate to finding more fault with the codependent parent. Well, actually, both my parents are alcoholics. Dad just hasn't had a drink in years. He covers for Mom.

I have been married for 14 years and have 2 children of my own. My husband is a very early in his recovery (he is an alcoholic). His drinking started to get out of hand around 5 years ago. I look at how I have handled this situation and realize that growing up in an alcoholic home has really effected me.

Although my mother still drinks (functioning alcholic?) I find that I still need her in my life. She is my best friend. I have just learned not to call her past 6:30 on week nights (she gets home from work at 6:00 and begins drinking) and to BE READY when calling her past 11:00 am on weekends. My father's covering up just makes me crazy!!!! And although my husband is doing very well in recovery I still find that I am angry more frequently that I think I should be.

Since my husband has stopped drinking (he attends AA and goes for counseling) my mother has limited her drinking when we go for visits. It makes spending time with her great. This Easter was fantastic with no alcohol around!!

I could go on and on but should try to keep this short.

I have been reading Choicemaking for spirituality seekers, co-dependents and adult children by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse and am finding it helpful.

NoDoubt

[journeygal]

JT,

I had a very dear and old friend once tell me that she never thought my mother cared what I did.

THAT statement reminds me of a conversation I had a few years back (8 years to be exact) with a cousin of mine on my mom's side. We aren't particularly close but we were chatting about things (I hadn't seen her in a while) and I can't even remember exactly what we were talking about but I remember making some comment about me and my mom not being all that close or something like that. Her exact words: "Yes, I had heard that about you two."



Like you, I had no idea and still don't know how to process what she said. My mom comes from a huge family and for a cousin that I hardly ever see to make a statement like that absolutely floored me. How would she know what kind of relationship my mother and I have? Did my mother say something to someone? Was it someone's observation? Who's been talking about us???? Coming from an immediate family where many secrets were kept and the elephant in the living room was never discussed, to hear this from an outsider (so to speak), blew my mind.

Maybe I'll ask my mom about it one day....

[NoDoubt]

I find that one to be really effecting my life. I have two children, ages 8 & 5. They joke around about 99% of the day. I have an extremely hard time be lighthearted as much as I should be. The part that really upsets me is the fact that all is going well with my husband who is now in recovery. I have only recently realized how growing up with alcoholic parents has effected me.

I just don't understand why I can't giggle with them about silly things. I find that I get really annoyed when they get silly.

Also, I have a short fuse. I get really upset when one of my kids lie. I have been lied to for so long that it kills me to hear these kids lie.

NoDoubt

[DolphinBlue]

This forum is a great idea! That list is confronting for me but I'm relieved that there is a reason I've always felt that I just couldn't get what seemed to come so easily to everyone else. When I started school, I was already acutely aware that I couldn't let go and have fun like everyone else. I've seen that list before, but I haven't read or heard any personal stories so thanks everyone for sharing at this forum.

I thought I was over-reacting and now I see it's part of problem for me. I was told I was over-reacting when I was injured, emotionally hurt, scared, frustrated at watching the punch-ups so it's no wonder I told myself that. So, the only thing for a child to conclude is that the problem was with me, that my perception was somehow warped. I was really angry and constantly frustrated. I've just done my 4th & 5th steps and maybe it's no coincidence that I'm angry most of the time lately. Although I don't remember most of my childhood (my sponsor says it might be a kind of dissociation) I seem to remember the bad bits really well. My programming from childhood tells me that this is because I'm a drama queen and that I'm just looking for attention. Well, the attention-seeking bit would make sense.

Still I get really envious of others who seem to be able to relax and relate to others easily and I still have a problem with being assertive. If my mother is angry or giving me the silent treatment, I'm a bit like the lowest ranking female in a pack of dogs. I put my tail between my legs, grovel around on my belly and avoid eye contact, whimpering. It's strange that I'm aware of this, yet have little control over it. I know it's my reaction that's the problem, but it's very ingrained.

I'm interested in getting to a meeting in my city. It's been a good start to post here and get it out there. I really appreciate this forum and sorry if I sound full of self-pity, this is all new to me so maybe that's why.

Thanks
Amy

[JT]

Dolphin,

I don't think it sounds like self pity at all. I think that is why I have never approached ACOA. A bunch of whiners.

I am at a point where it seems to be time for family of origin work.

Please visit often!
Hugs,
JT

[Gooch]

Hello everyone. I try and stay open minded in my recovery..(although this is subject to my own interpretation of what openmindedness is ) This is an area some of my network have investigated for their own recovery and suggested i might look into. I felt I needed to concentrate on my addiction issues before I let myself get too sidetracked with the coda and acoa things.

I exhibit a lot of these but don't have alcoholic parents so I'm a little baffled as to whether the same symptoms manifest across the board shared by alcoholic, addict, codependant? etc. ad infinitum.??

I did get a "moment of clarity" as I browsed the list .. I'll share it here as I know thats what helps us all get better.
initially I caught a strange feeling as if i was poking around a place i didn't belong, then an inspiration ( one of those "pay attention" moments ) hit me and I felt instructed to review each statement , removing the words adult and acoholic.

looking forward to feedback, comments suggestions ..

1. children guess at what normal behavior is.

2. children have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. children lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. children judge themselves without mercy.

5. children have difficulty having fun.

6. children take themselves very seriously.

7. children have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. children overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. children constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. children usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. children are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. children are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. children are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.


with the exception of the last sentence in # 13 ( I always made the mess and wanted someone else to clean it up for me, or tried to take the focus off myself by pointing out somebody elses mess)
this reminds me of my childhood. I cannot remember if it was always this way or if some trauma steered my emotional arrest in these directions. I've been diagnosed Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and there are many parallels to addcitive behaviours in the symptoms of that condition as well.

I only know that I am grateful for the mercy of the maker I was allowed a 2nd chance to grow up and begio acting like an adult so that I might reclaim my lost childhood and learn to forgive and love myself and those around me.

[margo]

Hi Gooch - your question is a good one - I had the exact same one a couple of days ago!

I read the 13 characteristics thread and was kind of stunned to find myself admitting, uncomfortably I might add, to a significant number of them. However, like you, neither of my parents were alcoholics.

I posted a thread on the RAPS forum about this issue ("JG and anyone else who'd care to respond"), which led to a number of interesting replies and a very unexpected spill of past childhood trauma by yours truly.

The consensus seemed to be that dysfunction is dysfunction is dysfunction and the affect of growing up with physical, emotional, and/or mental abuse, shaming, abandonment, etc. etc. can lead to the same affects as those caused by alcoholic parenting.

It's fascinating, but it also seems to have generated a lot of fear in both myself and others in going back to visit the past and what led us to walk the paths we have so far.

I can't see myself going too far back into it at the present time (fear being the biggest), but I'm really grateful that all this has been brought to my attention (yet again).

Love and hugs.

[Tiro]

I am glad to see this one moved back to the top.Good stuff in here.

I read the 13 characteristics thread and was kind of stunned to find myself admitting, uncomfortably I might add, to a significant number of them. However, like you, neither of my parents were alcoholics.

Even though drinking may have been removed from the family system for one or more generations, family dynamics can still continue in a manner that is typical to the alcoholic family.

Many ACoA's in fact seem to come out of this type of family system.Parents in the immediate family may not drink in an alcoholic way, but grandparents and great grandparents did.

Even though active drinking may have "skipped" a generation or two, family rules and behavior did not.

Behavioral characteristics of alcoholism can still be transmitted down through the family even though active drinking has long ceased.

[Damaged82]

Well, not a complete explanation of everything, but an immense start. Someone told me of this board, and I finally got a free minute to check it out. Dealing with my alcoholic b/f at home has been nearly destroying me inside and he doesn't "get" it. I don't expect him to, but it's really frustrating when the alcoholism I see in him reminds me of what I saw from my dad. Right before my dad died, he quit drinking and we had the best summer ever. Seven years later, I'm still miserable without him-but had built him up as more of a hero in my mind, and I liked keeping it that way. Seeing and hearing my b/f act just as my father when he was drunk brings up all those unsettled emotions from the past. It's tough to go into details without writing a novel, but that's the gist of it.

The list up there was like an explosion in my mind. I was just starring with my jaw dropped thinking, "God, who followed me around growing up?" Some of those things are still carried with me, and I have realized them...I've pinpointed all the things I dislike about myself and find myself, on a daily basis, looking around the world saying "why can't I be more normal...like them" It's a confusing mess, my mind. I know a lot of my self hatred stems from my father's drinking...and his ability to never let me forget that I'm a screw up. He had all the faith in me in the world and knew I could amount to anything, he just pushed me in all the wrong ways. "Why don't you THINK for once?! You spoiled rotten little brat! You Ungrateful.... STOP YOUR CRYING you baby"

THIS is only MY opinion, but feel as though others in here may understand more than my surrounding world. My b/f is mean when he's drunk. Shouting worse things in my face than I could ever imagine making anyone want to do. It's those things that I can't erase. I still remember my father yelling hateful things at me, and that seems like eons ago. But when he would yell, and get even more mad at my tears and my attempt to SHOW I was hurting...it made (makes) me feel so insignificant in the world and the pain hurts so much that I'd almost rather be beaten to a bloody pulp. Maybe then I could hate him more, and not myself.

See what you did Got me on a tangent. Oh well. All I know is that I'll be around here more often. Self realizations are good for the soul. It can do nothing more than getting us a step closer to conquering the bitterness and confusion and leading happy, satisfied lives. *Hugz 2 All* ~Damaged

Good Point Tiro.

I worked really hard to change, but the change didn't take place in time to spare my children of heartache. The good news is that my daughter was able to change much quicker than I did because of my experience. Now the generation she is bringing up (my grandchildren) will be free from that kind of dysfunction.

Recovery has a snowball effect just as dysfunction does.

Wow! Can you discribe me any better????? I am every one of those statements! My father was an alcoholic. He was sober and in AA for 13 years before he died.

My Father said that what you are discribing is a "dry drunk". A person may not be drinking, but they think and act like one!

[buttercup198357]

my parents married shortly after i was born...and spent the next 20 years fighting....i didn't realize my dad was an alcoholic till i got older, he was and is a functioning alcoholic, even worse now that mom has gone off the deep end...i wonder if it's possible that due to my mother's addiction to diet pills, some of the things from the list could be applied also...

[lavendae]

WOW is right....

Those characteristics describe me better than i would like them to. However, I also have a questions. Not only, as someone mentioned earlier, are those characterisitic of children, they are also characteristic of alcoholics.

My father was (and still is) an alcoholic who is still out there, and is in denial. I am an alcoholic. I am also 22 years old, and know that since I started drinking at age 12, and have been sober for 3 years, that makes me about age 15 (maturity wise) that being said, maybe I relate to those characterisitics because I am still a child!

I have been noticing lately that I identify with alot of "ACA"s and that I should probably check out this part of this site, as well as some Al-Anon meetings... yea, another small step forward in my recovery

[hoopstar]

Great Board! Thanks everyone for your input. I have come to recently realize that my trouble in intimate relationships stems from having alcoholic parents who were not consistently emotionally available. This explains a lot. Not that it makes it easier but I am reading "The Intimacy Struggle" by Janet Woititz (she has a lot of books out on ACA, dysfunctional families) and I find it helps. If your partner understands your tendencies they can better deal with them.

When I was drinking it was easier to get involved at least initially. But things eventually fell apart. Now that I've all but quit it is more difficult because my crutch is gone. I have to face my (inflated) fears of rejection with no anesthetic to quell the pain.

The part about Adult Children needing constant reassurance hits close to home. This neediness does little to make one attractive to others.

I'm hoping that awareness is half the batlle.

Welcome to the forum hoopstar.

Hugs,
MG