13 Characteristics of Adult Children
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Nanticoke, PA
Posts: 9
my parents married shortly after i was born...and spent the next 20 years fighting....i didn't realize my dad was an alcoholic till i got older, he was and is a functioning alcoholic, even worse now that mom has gone off the deep end...i wonder if it's possible that due to my mother's addiction to diet pills, some of the things from the list could be applied also...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Canoga Park CA
Posts: 27
WOW is right....
Those characteristics describe me better than i would like them to. However, I also have a questions. Not only, as someone mentioned earlier, are those characterisitic of children, they are also characteristic of alcoholics.
My father was (and still is) an alcoholic who is still out there, and is in denial. I am an alcoholic. I am also 22 years old, and know that since I started drinking at age 12, and have been sober for 3 years, that makes me about age 15 (maturity wise) that being said, maybe I relate to those characterisitics because I am still a child!
I have been noticing lately that I identify with alot of "ACA"s and that I should probably check out this part of this site, as well as some Al-Anon meetings... yea, another small step forward in my recovery
Those characteristics describe me better than i would like them to. However, I also have a questions. Not only, as someone mentioned earlier, are those characterisitic of children, they are also characteristic of alcoholics.
My father was (and still is) an alcoholic who is still out there, and is in denial. I am an alcoholic. I am also 22 years old, and know that since I started drinking at age 12, and have been sober for 3 years, that makes me about age 15 (maturity wise) that being said, maybe I relate to those characterisitics because I am still a child!
I have been noticing lately that I identify with alot of "ACA"s and that I should probably check out this part of this site, as well as some Al-Anon meetings... yea, another small step forward in my recovery
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Aliso ca
Posts: 1
Great Board! Thanks everyone for your input. I have come to recently realize that my trouble in intimate relationships stems from having alcoholic parents who were not consistently emotionally available. This explains a lot. Not that it makes it easier but I am reading "The Intimacy Struggle" by Janet Woititz (she has a lot of books out on ACA, dysfunctional families) and I find it helps. If your partner understands your tendencies they can better deal with them.
When I was drinking it was easier to get involved at least initially. But things eventually fell apart. Now that I've all but quit it is more difficult because my crutch is gone. I have to face my (inflated) fears of rejection with no anesthetic to quell the pain.
The part about Adult Children needing constant reassurance hits close to home. This neediness does little to make one attractive to others.
I'm hoping that awareness is half the batlle.
When I was drinking it was easier to get involved at least initially. But things eventually fell apart. Now that I've all but quit it is more difficult because my crutch is gone. I have to face my (inflated) fears of rejection with no anesthetic to quell the pain.
The part about Adult Children needing constant reassurance hits close to home. This neediness does little to make one attractive to others.
I'm hoping that awareness is half the batlle.
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: N.Cal.
Posts: 1
My sister!
I am new, but I couldn't help responding to your post. I know exactly how you feel about this situation. Focus on you and your emotional health. Care little about others opinions.
I always say this to myself when things like this arise.
"Your opinion is none of my bussiness." I'm with you in this, and thanks for sharing.
I always say this to myself when things like this arise.
"Your opinion is none of my bussiness." I'm with you in this, and thanks for sharing.
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 104
13 characteristics...
geeze I fit them all. Dad was mean to me, he favored my older sister. Everyone in my small town thought the world of him, jolly good fellow, give you the shirt off his back, he was a wood crafter and make toys and furniture for everyone.. but me. Told me to he wished I hadn't been born when I was 14. Continued to tell me what a burden I was having visitation 2 weekends a month.
Seems he disliked me. Worked too long in my life (first 20 years) trying to please that man. Even tho I knew he was horrible as a husband to my mom and father to me. He actually came to me 2 years after he left my mom for another woman (whom he married, he told me cause she had 5 boys and didn't want any girls) He told me during one of his visitations (i was 15) that he was seeing another woman and wanted my advice!!
Jack@ss.. Anyway, I wrote him off at 20. He died when I was 26, I'd always figured it'd be the drink not the smoke but it was lung cancer. It still just hurt. Knowing he'd never be who I needed him to be. Is that the loyality thing. Crap, it pissed me off when at his funeral how everyone described him as such a wonderful father. He had 14 bro's and sis's and not one knew who I was.
Yeah, I have problems with intimacy, truth, follow thru, and I'll be damn'ed as much as I said I would never allow in my home or drink the drink of his choice, somehow I end up with a live in B/F with a keg fridge of that very brand.
Went to counseling for all this stuff, she told me the questions to be answered before I commited to a serious relationship.. I didn't. crap.
Carla
geeze I fit them all. Dad was mean to me, he favored my older sister. Everyone in my small town thought the world of him, jolly good fellow, give you the shirt off his back, he was a wood crafter and make toys and furniture for everyone.. but me. Told me to he wished I hadn't been born when I was 14. Continued to tell me what a burden I was having visitation 2 weekends a month.
Seems he disliked me. Worked too long in my life (first 20 years) trying to please that man. Even tho I knew he was horrible as a husband to my mom and father to me. He actually came to me 2 years after he left my mom for another woman (whom he married, he told me cause she had 5 boys and didn't want any girls) He told me during one of his visitations (i was 15) that he was seeing another woman and wanted my advice!!
Jack@ss.. Anyway, I wrote him off at 20. He died when I was 26, I'd always figured it'd be the drink not the smoke but it was lung cancer. It still just hurt. Knowing he'd never be who I needed him to be. Is that the loyality thing. Crap, it pissed me off when at his funeral how everyone described him as such a wonderful father. He had 14 bro's and sis's and not one knew who I was.
Yeah, I have problems with intimacy, truth, follow thru, and I'll be damn'ed as much as I said I would never allow in my home or drink the drink of his choice, somehow I end up with a live in B/F with a keg fridge of that very brand.
Went to counseling for all this stuff, she told me the questions to be answered before I commited to a serious relationship.. I didn't. crap.
Carla
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Southern NH
Posts: 3
Well I read the list of 13 and burst into tears before I finished it. I hope what you say is true, that recovery snowballs just like dysfunction.
I've got 28 years of rotten memories to fix and I'm so scared to start. My behavior is beginning to affect my marriage and I can;t let stupid stuff from the past ruin the present I've made, so I have to grow and change...
both parents are A's who never sought treatment. Once they discovered that my dad had hemochromotosis in his liver, they chalked up the cirrhosis to that. One time he tried to stop and they gave him some drug for the DT's that made his super sleepy so mom (who's a nurse) told him to stop taking them and he started drinking again.
I've also got issues regarding the fact that he abused me as a kid, and when i screwed up the courage to tell mom, she thought I was lying. But since it always happened when he'd been drinking, I thought that working out the dynamics of living in an alcoholic family was a good place to start.
Thanks for the forum. I think it will help. I'm too shy to go to a meeting right now.
I've got 28 years of rotten memories to fix and I'm so scared to start. My behavior is beginning to affect my marriage and I can;t let stupid stuff from the past ruin the present I've made, so I have to grow and change...
both parents are A's who never sought treatment. Once they discovered that my dad had hemochromotosis in his liver, they chalked up the cirrhosis to that. One time he tried to stop and they gave him some drug for the DT's that made his super sleepy so mom (who's a nurse) told him to stop taking them and he started drinking again.
I've also got issues regarding the fact that he abused me as a kid, and when i screwed up the courage to tell mom, she thought I was lying. But since it always happened when he'd been drinking, I thought that working out the dynamics of living in an alcoholic family was a good place to start.
Thanks for the forum. I think it will help. I'm too shy to go to a meeting right now.
Guest
Posts: n/a
I can relate to each and every one of these,at least on some level.What an eye opener!...I've copied this and saved it to my favourites...I want to be able to look back on it to remind myself that I am not crazy and that others have these feelings too.
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: minneapolis
Posts: 3
that describes me perfectly. My father is and always has been an alcoholic, and i believe that I am too.
I don't conciously FEEL the affect that this has had on me... i hope to come to some understanding of all this.
I don't conciously FEEL the affect that this has had on me... i hope to come to some understanding of all this.
"Tonight I Wanna Cry"
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 268
All 13 fit me, but espically, 3, 9 & 13. :smileeek: Kinda shocking that this could be the root to all my problems. My dad drank, and he probally still does. I never knew what a real life was all about, so to seek friends, I lied. Still battleing that. And I have so much trouble cleaning up my messes afterwards. Maybe one day I'll figure it out.
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 16
Another sign?
Could one of the signs be a need to be alone - to be unable to live with someone or get married because it is easier, more comfortable and more familiar to be alone. My ex bf said he was tired of people needing him. His 25 year old son still lives with him, but is graduating and hopefully will move out soon. He sees this as the ultimate opportunity to have his solitude. He loves me but it had been a struggle over the past 15 months, as he always seemed to need a lot of alone time, and I am a pretty independent person. He assumes he won't be able to handle the living with anyone and I would end up hating him. I have not contacted him for a while. Should I leave him alone?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
This is the best threat ever!!!! 95 % of my family going back to my grandparents, my parents, my generation, and my childres are all addicts/alco. and that has been so profound to me. I am almost 58 now...and in my 22 day of soberity of pot..and we marry into it as well as come from it and have children who became it (addicts/alch)...
MG'S QUOTE OF RECOVERY HAS A SNOWBALL EFFECT JUST AS DISFUNCTION DOES,
MG'S QUOTE OF RECOVERY HAS A SNOWBALL EFFECT JUST AS DISFUNCTION DOES,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
