Peacenow00

I heard of alcoholics being homeless, losing jobs, being unable to hold a job long term, and more but didn’t think it would catch me. I’ve decided to strongly pursue sobriety after a horrible night and being homeless until recently. I was a high paid professional and functional addict for years, but it (I) finally dragged myself down.

I will write down what alcohol has done to my life and the pain of hurting others while intoxicated and without a clear mind. Sleeping in my car while having to navigate being homeless due to my dumb decisions was very bad. I’m sure I have light PTSD or self-inflicted trauma from doing my best to survive.

Unfortunately the person I live with is an alcoholic and drug user, but I am committed. Alcoholism is a disease and by not treating it I let it consume and destroy my life. No amount is good even if it starts with a cocktail or social drink. I’ve lost almost everything, am unemployed, lost a man I deeply cared for, and hate being in my skin.

Switching from liquor to wine years ago still caused problems. A bottle of wine a night turned into 2 or wild behaviors I did not know. I lost great people. Lost my relationship with myself and wasted potential. I am ashamed, demoralized, and almost hopeless.

I saw the train wreck happening, but didn’t stop. I wasn’t fully aware or in a dream world despite things crumbling around me for years. I wholly accept that I can’t drink. Interviewing for professional jobs again and appreciative of little things, but I feel broken and mentally disabled.

A part of me wonders if I should give up on life. This battle has been 11 years long. I am defeated. All I can do is try and not put alcohol in my body for any reason. I don’t know how I’m going to rebuild my life. My drinking ruined what I built and scarred me. It is painful, but must be done to live. I’m sad and disappointed in myself. Today it stops.

Dee74

Hi and welcome peacenow
you’re not defeated - and you’re not alone.

Thos is a great community. The folks here helped me turn things around after 15 years of drinking.

Let us help you too

D

Peacenow00

Thank you Dee. It’s just feels like a ginormous battle I haven’t been able to win no matter what. I need to get vitamins tomorrow to start addressing possible deficiencies. My body is feeling weird. Last time I attempted sobriety months ago I got to 20 days, but sweated and detoxed for 2 weeks..horrid

Dee74

It took me a while to get past the physical stuff too - I think its inevitable after years of drinking like we did - it's going to take a few weeks.

I found great comfort in knowing other people here had gone through this and come out the other side - I hope you'll find that too

D

Hevyn

It's great to have you with us, Peacenow.
Yes, it's hard to change our way of life & reclaim our sobriety, but we know you can do it.
I drank 30 yrs. & it was every day in the end - I was completely dependent on it. Never intended it to be anything but a fun way to relax on the weekends!
Reading & posting here will help with the anxiety. We all understand how you're feeling.

Peacenow00

Thank you both very much. I’m happy I found this community. I’ve been to 2 AA meetings today and will try to do 90 meetings in 90 days. I’ve tried naltrexone and other things that worked for some time, but the desire to quit and consistently has to be there.

I also know my roommate who drinks will make comments about me not drinking. That will be a fun conversation.

Peacenow00

Second day sober. Roommate is having beers since this afternoon but I went to a meeting and made it today so far. About to shower and rest. No big cravings physically, but mentally I’m thinking about a sober Christmas and cringing.

I dislike being sober on holidays. I desire being drunk until it’s over, but we’re turning a new leaf. My sanity and existence aren’t worth a few hours of drinking. I can’t even feel drunk anymore! It’s not pleasant then a hangover. Again and again. Lame.

Dee74

The new leaf will stick, peacenow - keep at it

D

Hevyn

How is it going today, Peacenow?

My first sober holidays were a challenge, but many years later I feel completely different. I'd never consider going back to the miserable times.

Thinking of you.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Peacenow. You have come to a very supportive site. We understand where you are, where you have been, and the journey ahead of you. We look forward to helping you achieve sobriety and recovery.

You can do this.

least

Welcome to the family, Peacenow. SR is a very supportive and informative site. Lots of useful info to help us, and families of addicts.

The only advice I'd give you to help strengthen your sobriety would be to practice Gratitude every day. Think it to yourself, just to put a positive thought in your mind, or, if it involves someone else, tell them of your gratitude to them for ?? whatever they did or said that was helpful to you. When I first started practicing gratitude every day, it was hard for me to think of things I was grateful for, since I was newly sober, still depressed, deeply in debt, and just feeling yucky. I was advised to give my thanks for anything, no matter how big or small. So I did. I found that I was very grateful just to wake up every morning, still alive and kicking, and NOT hungover.

Being grateful soon became a habit, and I started finding so many things/events/people to be thankful for. And it's a really good thing to let people know when you are grateful for them for whatever reason. Sometimes people might be having a bad day and a little thing like that, a compliment or thanks, might just make their day brighter and better.

Try it. It worked for me and still does.

We even have a special forum for gratitude.