Only God Was Listening
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Fort Woth, Texas
Posts: 20
Only God Was Listening
I was screaming for Help! Nobody was listening but God.
Prior to really hitting my bottom I thought I was living a "normal" life. I had a great job and excelled at it, was even recognized nationally. I had a wonderful girlfriend to whom I was about to propose to who my family and son from a previous marriage just adored. I believe we were madly in love. On the surface things could not be any more perfect. And I cherished every moment of it.
But the darkness of alcoholism was doing "push-ups" and waiting for a weak moment. My girlfriend had quite a bit of liquor in the house before I met her and at the time it was a fleeting thought of well thats cool. No biggie. Soon after I moved in I had a self-pity moment resulting from my past and opened a bottle of wine. Then it was off to the races. I literally could not stop as much as I wanted to. But became functional whatever that means. Hiding it, lying and delusional is more like it. Hurting the ones I love most.
Not too soon after I remember lying in bed in the mornings while she was in the shower getting ready. She would sing and laugh but I was shaking and sweating with anxiety thinking how am I going to drink today. Sick, sick, sick... And selfish, selfish, selfish. She thought she had the most perfect man. I resorted to stealing $5 here or $10 there out of her purse. As soon as that cash was in my hands my anxiety immediately went away. I could very well have asked her but felt guilty knowing what I was going to spend it on prevented me. I was so low I even pawned a few items but got them back eventually. Obviously we broke up and I went on a drinking tear. The vicious cycle.
I lived in a blackout for about 4 months. I honestly really dont know what I did or didnt do. I would wake up in my car not knowing how I got there. Lost about 30lbs because all I did was drink and not eat. I tried suicide because I truly hated alcoholism and myself for the things I had done. It seemed like the best resort. So I parked my car in the garage and started it up with the music going, a bottle of rum with diet coke and a pack of cigarettes. I combined sleeping pills and rum to help the process along. This is where a miracle happens. I went to light a cigarette but the lighter wouldnt light, got frustrated and went outside where I came to my senses a bit. I realize now that there was no oxygen in the garage. Maybe I was just a few short breaths away. Who knows...? That was May this year, 2011.
The drinking didnt stop. Although I was ready to quit, I wasnt willing to turn it to a Higher Power (mine is God). Again still in a blackout, drinking as soon as I woke up until I went to sleep, then do it all over again. I really have no idea what I was doing, saying or anything. No memory what-so-ever for about 4 months.
I was yelling for God to kill me or put me in jail. I soon found myself at a park in Burleson, TX drinking in my car listening to the radio. I finished off three 24oz beers and started to head back home at 8:30 am and I got pulled over by a police officer going less than 10 mph in a parking lot. I passed the field sobriety tests but failed the breathalyzer that I agreed to. Be careful for what you ask for. I got my second DUI. I told the police officer "Thank you" when I got arrested. And meant every word.
Today, I remain sober. I write this to help me stay sober and maybe to help someone else who understands. So working step 9 and making amends where possible and being of service to others. I go up to my old university to speak at fraternity and sorority meetings telling them my story. I'm pretty sure nobody listens but if I can help ONE person with a parent, sibling or themselves. It is a success. College is where my drinking career started and it has not happened to them YET.
I am so thankful I found this website to read experiences, strength and hope of other members. I feel like I am the better version of the person (just for today) that I was while growing up. Thats the person whom everyone loved. Not the maniac drunk that we turn into in the depths of the disease.
Prior to really hitting my bottom I thought I was living a "normal" life. I had a great job and excelled at it, was even recognized nationally. I had a wonderful girlfriend to whom I was about to propose to who my family and son from a previous marriage just adored. I believe we were madly in love. On the surface things could not be any more perfect. And I cherished every moment of it.
But the darkness of alcoholism was doing "push-ups" and waiting for a weak moment. My girlfriend had quite a bit of liquor in the house before I met her and at the time it was a fleeting thought of well thats cool. No biggie. Soon after I moved in I had a self-pity moment resulting from my past and opened a bottle of wine. Then it was off to the races. I literally could not stop as much as I wanted to. But became functional whatever that means. Hiding it, lying and delusional is more like it. Hurting the ones I love most.
Not too soon after I remember lying in bed in the mornings while she was in the shower getting ready. She would sing and laugh but I was shaking and sweating with anxiety thinking how am I going to drink today. Sick, sick, sick... And selfish, selfish, selfish. She thought she had the most perfect man. I resorted to stealing $5 here or $10 there out of her purse. As soon as that cash was in my hands my anxiety immediately went away. I could very well have asked her but felt guilty knowing what I was going to spend it on prevented me. I was so low I even pawned a few items but got them back eventually. Obviously we broke up and I went on a drinking tear. The vicious cycle.
I lived in a blackout for about 4 months. I honestly really dont know what I did or didnt do. I would wake up in my car not knowing how I got there. Lost about 30lbs because all I did was drink and not eat. I tried suicide because I truly hated alcoholism and myself for the things I had done. It seemed like the best resort. So I parked my car in the garage and started it up with the music going, a bottle of rum with diet coke and a pack of cigarettes. I combined sleeping pills and rum to help the process along. This is where a miracle happens. I went to light a cigarette but the lighter wouldnt light, got frustrated and went outside where I came to my senses a bit. I realize now that there was no oxygen in the garage. Maybe I was just a few short breaths away. Who knows...? That was May this year, 2011.
The drinking didnt stop. Although I was ready to quit, I wasnt willing to turn it to a Higher Power (mine is God). Again still in a blackout, drinking as soon as I woke up until I went to sleep, then do it all over again. I really have no idea what I was doing, saying or anything. No memory what-so-ever for about 4 months.
I was yelling for God to kill me or put me in jail. I soon found myself at a park in Burleson, TX drinking in my car listening to the radio. I finished off three 24oz beers and started to head back home at 8:30 am and I got pulled over by a police officer going less than 10 mph in a parking lot. I passed the field sobriety tests but failed the breathalyzer that I agreed to. Be careful for what you ask for. I got my second DUI. I told the police officer "Thank you" when I got arrested. And meant every word.
Today, I remain sober. I write this to help me stay sober and maybe to help someone else who understands. So working step 9 and making amends where possible and being of service to others. I go up to my old university to speak at fraternity and sorority meetings telling them my story. I'm pretty sure nobody listens but if I can help ONE person with a parent, sibling or themselves. It is a success. College is where my drinking career started and it has not happened to them YET.
I am so thankful I found this website to read experiences, strength and hope of other members. I feel like I am the better version of the person (just for today) that I was while growing up. Thats the person whom everyone loved. Not the maniac drunk that we turn into in the depths of the disease.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 1
wlaney,
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Trust me, we have all done those things, some even worse. Me included.
It sounds like God was looking out for you that day. He has bigger plans for you to be of service of others. Tell your story.
I know the feeling of anxiety and remember shaking so bad I could not even function. Although, what you did does not make it right. It does take a man of true strength and character to turn your life around like you are doing.
If you continue to ask for God's will, he will give you all the tools you need to succeed. And everything will work out in his plan.
Hang in there.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Trust me, we have all done those things, some even worse. Me included.
It sounds like God was looking out for you that day. He has bigger plans for you to be of service of others. Tell your story.
I know the feeling of anxiety and remember shaking so bad I could not even function. Although, what you did does not make it right. It does take a man of true strength and character to turn your life around like you are doing.
If you continue to ask for God's will, he will give you all the tools you need to succeed. And everything will work out in his plan.
Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Fort Woth, Texas
Posts: 20
Thanks Dee74, Lanceb and McFinn,
I'm learning through different sources what I did during those last few months. Pretty awful. And extremely selfish. Wow...
I grew up pretty normal and my parents raised me in a loving home and taught to never lie or steal. I did all those in my alcoholic ways. I completely lost my mind as alcohol took its hold. Something that I would NEVER even think of doing now.
As far as the girlfriend goes, I am thankful that she broke up with me. It sped the process up for me to accept my disease. It is not fair to her to see a person who she loved kill themselves slowly. And it would have been years of hurt for her. Someday, if I ever see her I will say "thanks" and mean it.
I just put my life into God's will. I dont want to ever feel that pure Hell ever again. It is complete dispair. I trust that God loves me to allow me to hurt just enough and recover so I can pass the word to others suffering.
I'm learning through different sources what I did during those last few months. Pretty awful. And extremely selfish. Wow...
I grew up pretty normal and my parents raised me in a loving home and taught to never lie or steal. I did all those in my alcoholic ways. I completely lost my mind as alcohol took its hold. Something that I would NEVER even think of doing now.
As far as the girlfriend goes, I am thankful that she broke up with me. It sped the process up for me to accept my disease. It is not fair to her to see a person who she loved kill themselves slowly. And it would have been years of hurt for her. Someday, if I ever see her I will say "thanks" and mean it.
I just put my life into God's will. I dont want to ever feel that pure Hell ever again. It is complete dispair. I trust that God loves me to allow me to hurt just enough and recover so I can pass the word to others suffering.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 133
You know what, even though you don't scream nor talk, GOD can already hear and and feels also what you feels. That is why God never fails to help us - but only we are the ones who fail to see the aid HE is constantly giving us in our daily life.
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