Where I was..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Earth... mostly
Posts: 43
Where I was..
I found this site just now, while sitting in the room next to the room where my wife is snoring loudly after passing out from another binge on wine. I was scanning websites searched under the title of "alcoholic wife" and somehow found SoberRecovery
We just celebrated our granddaughter's 5th birthday and she was reliably the one person who got drunk and passed out. She drinks to get drunk. She drinks 3-5 bottles of wine a week with usually 1 1/3 bottles a night on weekends. She has one or two nights out per week for unhappy hours and she has insistently told me that she has no intention of quitting.
She used to call me an alcoholic because I tried to keep up with her so I quit all alcohol drinking in one day about 6 years ago. When I did that she began to criticize me for being "no fun" and also for abandoning our friends whom she meets for unhappy hours. The fact is that I do avoid bars and I avoid being the designated enabler/driver.
We tried couple's counseling 10 years ago and she quit. The subject of drinking came up and she was out of there. I remained in counseling until this past spring when my counselor retired. I think that I came to understand what I need to do since I could not change my wife or stop her drinking, but I am married for the second time and the first wife also was /is an alcoholic and, as my name suggests, I NeverQuit: believing, or holding out for a different outcome, or ... being stupid???
I have met with our priest and have had counseling but have not tried Alanon. If she knew I was going there she would throw a major fit.
Since I will be driving for our 8 hr. trip home tomorrow I am thinking about telling her that she must get professional help or I am leaving. But I am not sure that I would have that conversation until we are nearly home. Actually having that discussion while she is hungover would probably not do much good.
So I am here because I have no one else to talk with just now. Maybe this will help, maybe not. I usually just write in a journal but there is absolutely no chance of feedback from that. So I'll give this a try.
We just celebrated our granddaughter's 5th birthday and she was reliably the one person who got drunk and passed out. She drinks to get drunk. She drinks 3-5 bottles of wine a week with usually 1 1/3 bottles a night on weekends. She has one or two nights out per week for unhappy hours and she has insistently told me that she has no intention of quitting.
She used to call me an alcoholic because I tried to keep up with her so I quit all alcohol drinking in one day about 6 years ago. When I did that she began to criticize me for being "no fun" and also for abandoning our friends whom she meets for unhappy hours. The fact is that I do avoid bars and I avoid being the designated enabler/driver.
We tried couple's counseling 10 years ago and she quit. The subject of drinking came up and she was out of there. I remained in counseling until this past spring when my counselor retired. I think that I came to understand what I need to do since I could not change my wife or stop her drinking, but I am married for the second time and the first wife also was /is an alcoholic and, as my name suggests, I NeverQuit: believing, or holding out for a different outcome, or ... being stupid???
I have met with our priest and have had counseling but have not tried Alanon. If she knew I was going there she would throw a major fit.
Since I will be driving for our 8 hr. trip home tomorrow I am thinking about telling her that she must get professional help or I am leaving. But I am not sure that I would have that conversation until we are nearly home. Actually having that discussion while she is hungover would probably not do much good.
So I am here because I have no one else to talk with just now. Maybe this will help, maybe not. I usually just write in a journal but there is absolutely no chance of feedback from that. So I'll give this a try.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
Welcome to SR, neverquit. Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, though. You will find a lot of support here. We understand what you're going through. We have a wonderful Friends and Family forum you might want to post in. Here's the link...
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Again, welcome to SR. You have found a place with wonderful, caring people who have been exactly where you find yourself. Stick around and read the "stickie" posts at the top of the F&F forum. You'll find a lot of helpful information there.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Again, welcome to SR. You have found a place with wonderful, caring people who have been exactly where you find yourself. Stick around and read the "stickie" posts at the top of the F&F forum. You'll find a lot of helpful information there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Welcome, Never quit!
I am sorry for your situation, but glad you are here , because
You will meet a lot of folks who have been in your shoes. You will find understanding, support, and experiences shared.
I am glad you found us. It has been a life saver for me.
And, al-anon would likely be the best thing in the world, as it has helped soooo many. Gives you the support you need in any situation.
We cant make them quit, but we can make our lives better. and sometimes it gets much, much better!
hugs,
Chicory
I am sorry for your situation, but glad you are here , because
You will meet a lot of folks who have been in your shoes. You will find understanding, support, and experiences shared.
I am glad you found us. It has been a life saver for me.
And, al-anon would likely be the best thing in the world, as it has helped soooo many. Gives you the support you need in any situation.
We cant make them quit, but we can make our lives better. and sometimes it gets much, much better!
hugs,
Chicory
One day at a time...
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Lansing, MI
Posts: 20
I don't have any great advice for you but I can empathize. My ex-girlfriend did the same thing to me, calling me an alcoholic while continuing to binge drink herself every weekend (in her defense, I was). But I understand the double-standard issue. Whenever I tried to slow down for a night/weekend I was "no fun" but if I partied like crazy I was a drunk.
I also have a weakness for women with substance abuse/body image/emotional issues. Now I'm only 24, and you have a granddaughter, so again I'm in no position to give advice...but for me, trying to play good guy or caregiver is a painful and soul sucking endeavor. Of course I understand that wife of 10+ years > my longest relationship of 6...but love does make you do some stupid things.
I also have a weakness for women with substance abuse/body image/emotional issues. Now I'm only 24, and you have a granddaughter, so again I'm in no position to give advice...but for me, trying to play good guy or caregiver is a painful and soul sucking endeavor. Of course I understand that wife of 10+ years > my longest relationship of 6...but love does make you do some stupid things.
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
'A family illness...'
Hi Welcome, I'm sure you'll get a lot of help and support here.....
Just on a practical point, from personal experience of people I've met, there is nothing wrong on those who may perhaps consider themselves 'alcoholics'; and then using the facilities of both SRC and the Fellowship of AA and Al-Anon, a wonderful organisation.
Also, it's not for nothing that alcoholism is called a ,'family illness', affecting all those around it, not just theperson who drinks it, as you obviously know, nieither are the 12 suggested Steps of AA, referred to as a ,'selfish programme', hard as it may be, and in your circumstances my heart goes out to you, but you must put your own sobriety first, otherwise you just become an ,'enabler', helping her NOT to get sober, but in real terms to die, that sounds terrible, but it's true.
The only person who stops an alcoholic drinking is an alcoholic, assisted, I believe by the suggested 12 Step programmeof recovery found here or in the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous' and if you wish, attending AA meetings...
May the god of your understanding, go with you...
Just on a practical point, from personal experience of people I've met, there is nothing wrong on those who may perhaps consider themselves 'alcoholics'; and then using the facilities of both SRC and the Fellowship of AA and Al-Anon, a wonderful organisation.
Also, it's not for nothing that alcoholism is called a ,'family illness', affecting all those around it, not just theperson who drinks it, as you obviously know, nieither are the 12 suggested Steps of AA, referred to as a ,'selfish programme', hard as it may be, and in your circumstances my heart goes out to you, but you must put your own sobriety first, otherwise you just become an ,'enabler', helping her NOT to get sober, but in real terms to die, that sounds terrible, but it's true.
The only person who stops an alcoholic drinking is an alcoholic, assisted, I believe by the suggested 12 Step programmeof recovery found here or in the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous' and if you wish, attending AA meetings...
May the god of your understanding, go with you...
orangutan
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5,970
Hi Neverquit and welcome to SR.
I am the alcaholic in my family , I would like to suggest that you bring your wife to this site to read some peoples stories of how alcahol has destroyed their health and lives in general and what it is doing to their families.
I want to wish you well .
I am the alcaholic in my family , I would like to suggest that you bring your wife to this site to read some peoples stories of how alcahol has destroyed their health and lives in general and what it is doing to their families.
I want to wish you well .
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