Old 03-10-2007, 02:09 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Bloemfontein Free State
Posts: 7

ok lemme see i was doing quite fine for the past year - had a few relapses and a crazy binge here and there - but i went on clean after those incidents in a pretty reassuring way. most important thing seemed to be keeping the right company and always making sure there was something to look forward to.. until about two weeks ago after i went off with an old friend i shouldve avoided. problem is i havn't really stopped smoking since then and it feels like im on the same course of about a year and half ago. Since rehab and breaking up with my ex i took dramatic measures to avoid a tempting situations and make it safer for myself. In spite of many of these restrictictions i put up for myself, i would use whatever resources i have to get rocks
from my dealer. (I dont have direct access to my salary). This is really bad. Imagine if i had all my money to use. After a bout of smoking untill about 3 o clock this morning i thought i was gonna climb up the walls or just run away and throw away all hope. I'm pretty helpless - as in i have no idea what im going to do, as i seem to have absolutely NO controll over it. and it's going to stay like that forever. I actually forgot what that kind of paranoia felt like in the +- 18 months i've been going strong. Now it's all back. and I'm looking for ways to get my mind around it.
And since i believe most things in life are possible, I'll keep trying.

so ya - just now i thought of looking at some forums and seeing what ideas and tips other folks might have.
Glad to be part of a possitive community
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Old 03-10-2007, 03:17 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
grateful rca
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
crawling, welcome to sr. my husband and i are both crack addicts. good you are reaching out again, i like to think that you can't win the battle if you don't fight. glad you are here. i had 9 yrs once and relapsed, but like you, i had to struggle to find my way back. i know its not an easy thing to do.

remember, the first hit is the only one that you have to resist. you don't have to use unless you chose to. one minute at a time, you can do it. i had to remember that whatever happened, good or bad, i did not have an excuse to use. so whatever you do, don't pick up. if you can't do the day, try doing it 1 hr at a time. just don't use until the hr is up then see if you can make it another hr. this worked for me those first few days. i pray that god gives you all the strength that you need to make a clean break.
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Old 03-24-2007, 04:07 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Bloemfontein Free State
Posts: 7
thanks i'll try that. it usually helps me when i keep in mind that it will get easier (slowly) the longer i abstain. i was using earlier today and feeling pretty sh*tty right now. but luckily i stopped for a long enough period to start thinking about other stuff (mostly because i couldnt get anymore rocks) , like switching on my pc!
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Old 03-24-2007, 04:21 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hi Crawling - welcome back. I had no control either, when using. If I don't smoke that first rock/snort that first line/drink that first drink then I don't have to go through the misery that is sure to follow once a binge starts (and it was always a binge - no one rock/line/drink for me!). It's been close to four years for me and I have not forgotten that feeling you say you're feeling right now - I don't ever want to feel that way again. Anyway, it is possible to abstain - if you can do it for a minute, you can do it for an hour, a day, and those days keep piling up. And it does get easier with time. Have you thought about getting support from NA meetings or other support groups? Anyway, I'm glad you switched on your pc - check out the Substance Abuse or Drug Addiction forums - lots of support there too.

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Old 03-24-2007, 11:41 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
IO Storm
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Hi crawling, welcome.

I couldn't say it better than Teke and Margo with one

exception: Try rehab. It sounds like you may have

exhausted beating this on your own strength and will.

While AA save my life, I detoxed slowly under the care of a

friend. Same with speed. In the end, my desire for

recovery even if I lay in a bed and stared at a wall forever

rather than use was stronger than any craving or mental

desire to go back out. My health was gone. I was used up.

14 months now with no booze. Nine months no speed.

One day at a time. But you must have a lot of support.

Prayers for you.


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Old 04-10-2007, 05:45 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Bloemfontein Free State
Posts: 7
thanks an sorry for replying irregularly.
i've been to rehab twice (3 weeks each), though the 1st time
was 6 years ago and because i got caught smoking some weed
with friends. i didnt have any real problems then and only occasionaly
used chemicals like pills. the second time (Sept '05) i cwas forced to come out with everything when my ex-girlfriend (with who i lived) stayed away from work
and locked up at home, because she was too scared to go back to work after
the second day of staying away from work. this was because the smoking (rocks) got to a point where we were smoking through a weekend and into Thuesday the
following week - i cant exactly remember how we did it, except that after those 5 days there was nothing left in our flat except for our bed and some furniture that
the dealers didn't want. this was pretty bad because some people came looking for us when obviously only she was home and she didnt open for anyone. And of course we used up all our money before paying anything, etc. etc. so she was like
in a real bad state of paranoia and looking REALLY bad. i came home for lunch on Wednesday and on arrival two cops were coming down the stairs and escorted me back up. they thought i was hitting my girlfriend at first! anyway they phoned my parents and hers and my work (it turned out the 1 cop was a relative of one of her managers and that's why they were sent over.) Sorry this thread iprolly snt the proper place for this kind of post, but i guess what im getting at here is that i need an incident at the point of no return before i do something - or someone do somethign for me. i'd never go out and take serious steps on my own and that's really bad. im scared this thing might repeat itself! i went to an NA meeting(the first one ever in my town and a very small one), but found that it was actually quite dangerous for me because of some of the other members! Also been to the rehab's support groups which i really felt didnt mean much. i guess i should do the right and get a sponsor and the stepwork - something i always say il do. i heard that there's really difficult things in there you have to admit?! and that it's not easy..
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